Awkwa~a~a~ard...
So, I've been getting IMs from this mystery screen name for a few days, but since they're not on my official Buddy List (just in recent buddies), their IMs don't come right through. They get caught up in the "Knock Knock" function, and since my AIM's sound is iffy at best, I rarely notice them until after the sender's long gone. Up until today, the IMs have been along the lines of "Who are you, and why are you on my buddy list?" Today, he caught me, and we uncovered who this person was... and now I kind of wish I hadn't. It was a boy that I'd had a falling out with back in the fall of '06. But, we were bored, so we talked for a bit... and then things got uncomfortable (for me at least).
He told me that, back in Freshman year ('05), he had a crush on me. Oh, haha, okay... I'm willing to let that slide on by. I'm a nice person (or at least soft hearted), and I wasn't about to tell him that well, I didn't really share his sentiments. Besides, he mentioned it himself, my best friend had a thing for him back then, so I was strictly preying on others, if ya know what I'm say sayin'. But no. He wouldn't let me let it slip on by. After a quiet bit, he asks me flat out, did I like him back then. I skipped around the question, saying he was, you know, a nice guy, but that's pretty much it. I didn't really hang out with him, unless my friend was around, you know? And then the real discomfort comes. He tells me that he'd always thought I was pretty, but then during the camping trip we'd taken, he saw me in a bathing suit and '"Whoa"'. I... hate... how I look in bathing suits. Ever since I went to Texas, and had a picture taken of me at the beach next to my skinny track-runner cousin, and was twice as wide as her, I've realized that skin-tight isn't the way for me to go. At least not yet. I'm really curvy, and some of those curves are very nice, but others, especially the ones that the bathing suit accentuates, aren't. And it doesn't help that the lack of support in a bathing suit detracts from the nice curves. Besides that, I'm in no way 'hot', as he said. I have very fair skin, so I tend to avoid the sun, therefore my leg and chest skin is luminescent. I'm also really sensitive, so I don't... like... shave often, if I can help it. But my skin's so light that you can still see the hair roots even after the leg is smooth!
Ugh, I feel neurotic. And like I'm self-loathing. Eww, I'm fitting into the stereotype of women who hate their bodies! I don't, really!
What makes all of this even more uncomfortable, is before he admitted this stuff to me, he'd asked if I'd ever kissed a boy yet, since back when we'd hung out, that was what my buds tended to tease me about. I have kissed a boy now, but it was a bad experiance, and I'm a bit scarred now. It was very late, and it was a sort of blind date, and my friend abandoned me to sleep with her boyfriend (and I do mean just sleep). I didn't know what was expected of me, really, and I let the guy... carry on a bit. I should have said no, I know I should have, but I didn't, and my friend was shocked, I know and... I don't know. I don't want to die a virgin, but now I don't want to be alone with the opposite sex again. I'm shy, and I'll tease my few male friends and flirt with them... but never seriously. And I think I am, in some ways, afraid of men. Which is retarded, but I am.
I don't feel well.
He told me that, back in Freshman year ('05), he had a crush on me. Oh, haha, okay... I'm willing to let that slide on by. I'm a nice person (or at least soft hearted), and I wasn't about to tell him that well, I didn't really share his sentiments. Besides, he mentioned it himself, my best friend had a thing for him back then, so I was strictly preying on others, if ya know what I'm say sayin'. But no. He wouldn't let me let it slip on by. After a quiet bit, he asks me flat out, did I like him back then. I skipped around the question, saying he was, you know, a nice guy, but that's pretty much it. I didn't really hang out with him, unless my friend was around, you know? And then the real discomfort comes. He tells me that he'd always thought I was pretty, but then during the camping trip we'd taken, he saw me in a bathing suit and '"Whoa"'. I... hate... how I look in bathing suits. Ever since I went to Texas, and had a picture taken of me at the beach next to my skinny track-runner cousin, and was twice as wide as her, I've realized that skin-tight isn't the way for me to go. At least not yet. I'm really curvy, and some of those curves are very nice, but others, especially the ones that the bathing suit accentuates, aren't. And it doesn't help that the lack of support in a bathing suit detracts from the nice curves. Besides that, I'm in no way 'hot', as he said. I have very fair skin, so I tend to avoid the sun, therefore my leg and chest skin is luminescent. I'm also really sensitive, so I don't... like... shave often, if I can help it. But my skin's so light that you can still see the hair roots even after the leg is smooth!
Ugh, I feel neurotic. And like I'm self-loathing. Eww, I'm fitting into the stereotype of women who hate their bodies! I don't, really!
What makes all of this even more uncomfortable, is before he admitted this stuff to me, he'd asked if I'd ever kissed a boy yet, since back when we'd hung out, that was what my buds tended to tease me about. I have kissed a boy now, but it was a bad experiance, and I'm a bit scarred now. It was very late, and it was a sort of blind date, and my friend abandoned me to sleep with her boyfriend (and I do mean just sleep). I didn't know what was expected of me, really, and I let the guy... carry on a bit. I should have said no, I know I should have, but I didn't, and my friend was shocked, I know and... I don't know. I don't want to die a virgin, but now I don't want to be alone with the opposite sex again. I'm shy, and I'll tease my few male friends and flirt with them... but never seriously. And I think I am, in some ways, afraid of men. Which is retarded, but I am.
I don't feel well.