I love my writings when I'm in the sky
Written 2:24 AM Friday 12/10/2005
"...With eyes closed, I slowly pulled my arms above my chest and swayed dreamingly with the music. I let my body drop onto my bed and layed there, the pillows almost swallowing me. Drifting deeper and deeper into the echoing, the eternal goosebumps, the tsunamis, not waves, of exciement. Barbie's lamp glowed on my desk. I wanted to kiss it for being so vivid. Then of course, the word 'vivid' reminded me of "You Are A Metaphore".
And just one word or number or 610 makes feel like a child who ate all the cookies and forgot that his/her cancer stricken sibling loved cookies.
That's just how I am and I just don't fucking get it.
Then follwed that ws the meanng of hysteria. I just sat there and I wanted to killmyself. No fucking emotional drug overwhelmed breakdown, but I fucking wanted to die. I touched reality and realized how depressed I really am. Not the fact that I was so unsober but with the uncanny slideshows that played in my eyes, on my closet doors, under the tumbling flower curtains. Actually, I love being unsober. I feel like a girl who cannot get enough of the state of high despite the fact that people constantly judge you for what you indulge in. It's not a bad thing.
I don't expect anyone to understand.
Now, I feel dreadful. THe feeling of liking someoe. Well, this is my second time, and it's hurting. Eternal Butterflies 2. Whatever I'm going to fucking call it. I'm so upset with myslf. I'm so just so so so annoyed with my thoughts lately and the becoming of my (a)sexuality.
Lately, I havent want anyone to touch me. I havent wanted to let someone like me. I avoid flirting. I attempt to flirt with the only person I'm attracted to, but I feel like a ..i dont know. I dont know how I see myself as. I really don't know who I am. Who am I? =(
Don't you think dying is fucked up beacuse after you die, that is it, you can't go to "Heaven" or float around like a bleach white sheet and scare people. It's fictional. Sometimes I'm the only person that feels that way. The concept of dying doesn't scare me because the feeling of dying, my body tells me this would feel soothing. But, after the last breath, like, what happens? Just nothing. Dead body. Stiff joints, organ rott. Brain inactivity.
Think deeper. You can't take a walk in the wombs of nature or maybe just sit in your bathroom and smoke herbs and enjoy almost geting lost in it. No building sand castles, latenight talks with the ones who make you laugh so much you snort and feel comfortable with it... no.
I think I'm asexual.
So I found the Oxy in mum's dresser. I wonder if her fucked up behavior has to do with maybe, abusing drugs. Or maybe she just swallows one a day and really does feel pain on her whatever. I can't even say "No" because I don't know her. I know of her stupid ways. But not her..."
~~~
Todays Entry;
So today I didnt go to school.
I woke up and I stared at my ceiling for ten minutes before drifting back to sleep. I dont remember what I was thinking. Though I remember waking up to a telephone ring, and seeing that the caller ID read Cadavid. So I smiled and picked it up. I love it when he calls me when I miss school, I really do.
I had nothing really to do this afternoon, So I looked at Gemma Ward, my favorite high fashion model.
I'm going to promise myself that one day I'll be on the set of Dolce & Gabonna<333
So I was looking in my "Writings" folder, and I read some random poems or qoutes I've written and 2 made me giggle;
11/23/2005 2:23 PM
Hallways are shortcuts for air faces-
There is too much air in her head.
Molecules and bloody cells taste like sparkling orbs;
Her body says.
She doesn’t even know what a phenomenon is.
She knows what an exploding psychology is.
Her fingers trace the bumpy grain of parallel walls.
Leading for a sigh unknown.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
If I was a snake, I would eat you.
Every time I look at you, I want to swallow you
and feel you dance inside. And your breathe would not be excitement,
but a desire that I don’t yet know of.
Lol. what is that?
I love my writings when I'm in the sky.