Poly vs. Mono: Which One Is Harder?

[petite_lambda]

My good friend, emi_ka, told me once: “You know, I suspect that people who are not like you or Danny only attempt open relationships to please their partner, which brings them a lot of suffering and usually ends very badly”.

By “like you or Danny” my friend meant people to whom open relationships are natural - people who were seemingly born without the

Comments

[leosapiens]

It's a lot harder, im sure. I know it would never work for me, as I considered it. My own, very natural desire for other ppl is easily solved by looking but not touching, without much suffering. But letting someone else at your partner is met with a growling "don't touch what's mine" primal instinct, and is entirely unbeatable.

[petite_lambda]

Yes, exactly. From what I've seen of other people I can say, though: this instinct is beatable, but it takes some fucking HARD work to beat it! And so for most people it's just not worth it.

[heliotropicfire]

Very thought provoking post.

[petite_lambda]

Thank you!

very well put

[anonymous]

who knew a random link on a facebook page can be this interesting?

as a devoted monogomist (is that even a word) i give you two thumbs up. this post is a great read, especailly for people who don't know people in long lasting open realtionships.

cheers!

Re: very well put

[petite_lambda]

Wow, thanks!

[vicariance]

I don't know if I qualify as a natural or not, but I expect what happened with me is that at a very young age, I adopted a philosophy of noninterference that has pervaded my every civil interaction with people. Being in love for me has never been a way or reason to control someone. On the contrary, I always believed that the more I loved someone, the more I should respect their sovereignty. Interestingly, the pattern holds in reverse: if I hate someone terribly, I have far less of a problem trying to control him, or otherwise interfere with his life and choices.

But what leosapiens talks about, the instinct to growl "don't touch what's mine" was never an instinct I felt, because I never thought of anyone as "mine". (BTW, this idea is in line with the ancient Greek philosophical school Stoicism, if you're interested)

[petite_lambda]

That's very interesting! Yes, I would qualify you as a natural, definitely. I'm not sure your explanation of your lack of jealousy is correct -- for two reasons. One: this feeling is irrational anyway, even in those who do have it. To explain its absence by logical arguments is no good -- we're biologically wired to feel jealousy, and if you never felt it, I think it means that your wiring (and mine) is just different than most people's. I know some really great monogamists, who are very secure and not possessive at all, and they still feel that horrible, piercing pain when imagining their loved one with someone else (as you can imagine, I had many discussions with them on this topic). And the funny thing is: they (at least the friends whom I talked to) understand that the feeling is illogical. But it's still there! I believe that if they worked on it, they could eventually get rid of it (exactly like it's possible to rid of other irrational phobias), but it's a lot of very hard work (emotionally hard

[vicariance]

this is not an explanation for my lack of jealousy. this is an explanation for my lack of willingness to exert control upon the actions of a lover, specifically her choices regarding lovers :)

I do feel jealousy, although rarely. It is not the ubiquitous, imo ridiculous, response to every iota of desire felt by my partner for someone else. You know how brilliantly Dan Savage ranted on the subject: people are retarded for not accepting that basic fact, no matter their romantic plurality.

I only really feel jealousy when either of two conditions are met: First, that I sense my lover is rejoicing in some aspect of another I that I feel particularly proud of about myself. Fortunately alot of my most prized aspects are unusual :) And second, that my lover is being drawn away from me during times that I desire her presence. Though, I am a fairly independent person, and do not often feel needy of anyone else's presence. It does happen. Say, when I am sick

[petite_lambda]

An example: think of a man who upon realizing he has been cheated on by his girlfriend, takes no action against the cheating girlfriend, but instead is only furious at the perhaps innocent man with whom the girlfriend was involved. [...] That attitude makes me so angry.

I agree totally! I suspect that this means you're on my side in that one-sided argument against tacit.

I would not let myself be comforted by a lie. That way lies madness and worse.

Right. Although it's a stab at my direction. Unintentional, of course, I never wrote about that, I only intend to... but I'm kind-of like that with lack of belief in an afterlife. I can't let go of the hope -- despite the fact that I'm pretty sure it's a false hope :-(

I only really feel jealousy when either of two conditions are met: First, that I sense my lover is rejoicing in some aspect of another I that I feel particularly proud of about myself. Fortunately alot of my most prized aspects are unusual :) And second, that my lover is being drawn away from me during times that I desire her