Fic: Persistence of Memory 9/14
Chapter Nine
***
Thera made it to the bathrooms just as the lights shut off. She slumped down onto an empty bench, shivering in reaction, closing her eyes tightly and trying to forget the image of Jonah’s pained face as she had run away.
What had she done? She’d just lost the best friend she had. The best thing she had.
She wasn’t sure why she had kissed him, but seeing his adorable face as he admitted that it just felt right watching her had struck a chord inside her. She'd reached out to him almost in instinct, wanting to kiss him so badly that it had hurt. It had been wonderful, she’d lost herself in his warm arms and soft lips, she could still taste him on her tongue and smell him on her skin.
It had only been when Kaegan had interrupted them that Thera had noticed the feeling that what they had been doing was wrong. Very wrong. She wasn’t even sure why, but all of a sudden she knew that being so close to Jonah wasn’t right, and she'd bolted.
She pressed a trembling hand to her mouth, trying to hold back the tears that wanted to fall. She’d run away, she was the one to start everything and then left him alone and ran away. What kind of a person did that?
"Thera?”
She started softly at the sound of Jonah’s voice and the quiet knock on the entrance. She didn’t answer, not sure what she could say to make it better between them. When she didn’t respond, Jonah put his head around the door, eyes half closed as he sought her out. When he realized she was the only one in the room, he stepped inside fully, letting the door close softly behind him.
There was one light left on in the bathrooms after lights out. Thera hoped the relative darkness would hide her face, burning in shame and regret, from Jonah’s eyes.
"Are you okay?” Jonah didn’t sound mad. Thera thought he must be hiding it.
"I’m fine.” She tried to hide the tears in her voice, but even to her ears she sounded shaky and scared.
Jonah sat down on the bench next to her, leaving plenty of space between them. Thera still couldn’t look at his face, instead she concentrated on the floor.
“You’re not okay.” His voice still sounded soft and tender, not at all what she was expecting.
Thera just shook her head, “No,” she paused, “Are you okay?”
"I’m not mad if that’s what your thinking,” Jonah said truthfully, he knew her too well, “I’m worried about why you ran away. You have to know I wouldn’t do anything you didn’t want.”
Thera closed her eyes; he was a much better man than she deserved, “All of a sudden it felt like it was too much.” It had felt wrong, against the rules, but she didn’t say that, “I’m sorry.”
"Don’t be sorry,” Jonah said. He reached out a hand to touch her, but pulled back, putting it limply to his side, “What aren’t you telling me?”
He really did know her too well. Thera wasn’t sure how to tell him, “For a second I felt like I was doing something wrong…”
"Worker’s are allowed partners Thera,” Jonah said, “Almost everyone has one.” But us, his unspoken words echoed between them.
"I don’t think it was that…” Thera felt like there was something on the edge of her memory that she couldn’t quite grasp. Like her feelings were related to something else entirely.
"Do you not want this Thera?” Jonah asked, “We can still be friends can’t we?”
Thera looked up into his face, hearing the soft pain in his voice, the sacrifice he was willing to make so they could still be friends. She knew what he wanted; he may not have said it aloud, but he had burned it into her skin with every touch of his lips. And the looks he gave her were not the looks shared between friends. Looking into his face, Thera knew that she wanted to be with him. She always had. Something still felt like it was wrong but she ignored it.
"I do want this,” Thera said, she reached out her hand and grasped his, “I guess maybe I just freaked out a little, that’s all.”
"Freaked out?” Jonah looked hopeful, “Are you saying..?”
"Yeah, I’m saying…” Thera pulled his face down to hers and kissed him lightly, pulling away before the kiss could deepen, “But maybe we could go a little slow for awhile.”
"Anything you want Thera,” Jonah kissed the top of her head and pulled her into a warm hug, “Anything.”
***
Janet entered General Hammond’s office and closed the door, surprised to find that they were the only two present for the meeting about SG1’s return.
"Where is Doctor Mackenzie sir?” Janet asked after the lead psychiatrist. They didn’t see eye to eye, but Janet grudgingly accepted him as being a contributor to the SGC.
"I’ve postponed the psychiatric evaluations. This is a private meeting, Janet,” Janet raised her eyebrows at the use of her first name, “Take a seat.”
"Are we still here to discuss SG1?” Janet asked, confused. General Hammond rarely held private conferences in his office. That she knew of anyway.
"Yes, part of SG1. I got a late night visit from Colonel O’Neill.” The General’s voice was hesitant and Janet felt her stomach drop. He already knew, and by the shadows beneath his eyes and the haggard look on his face, Janet guessed he had been told everything.
"I see,” Janet shifted, “What did he want to discuss sir?”
General Hammond gave her a shrewd look, “He informed me that he and Major Carter had an intimate relationship when they were not themselves. And that Sam is pregnant.” Hammond’s voice softened on the last sentence and Janet could see the concern he held for the two officers. He was a good commanding officer, he didn’t play favourites, but Janet knew that he had more to do with SG1 than any other team. They were his flagship team and he was proud of them.
"Yes sir,” Janet nodded, “That’s what I was informed of as well, by Major Carter.” She hadn’t admitted in so many words as to O’Neill’s involvement, but Janet didn’t need it spelt out for her.
"Jack came to me last night and asked if I could find them options,” Hammond’s voice lowered, “He mentioned Major Carter was considering an abortion.”
Janet grimaced. Whatever Jack had said to Sam in the room last night, it had changed Sam’s mind. Whether it had been the good night's rest, finally regaining all of her memories, or her confrontation with the colonel, Janet wasn’t sure. But this morning when she had brought Sam breakfast, Sam had been in control, and had changed her mind about her hasty decision.
"Major Carter hasn’t made a formal decision as of yet, sir,” Janet said, trying to pick her words carefully.
"Janet, please, this isn’t an official discussion.” It was George who was asking her, not the General, and Janet knew she could tell him.
"Sam is scared sir. Part if it’s the regulations, but I think most has to do with her relationship with the colonel. Pregnancy was not something Sam considered before this incident, it's been a shock to her and I think she defaulted to what she knew best to deal with that shock; the rules.” Janet thought that Sam had completely blocked out the part of her that wanted the baby, instead focusing on the only part of herself that she understood, her military self. It was possibly the only part of herself that hadn’t been a large part of the more free Thera.
Hammond nodded, “I have some options for both Sam and Jack to consider. Not ideal, but I won’t punish them for what they did when they didn’t know who they were.”
"Does this mean they are going to be free to pursue a relationship sir?” Janet asked, thinking that even if she was given the option, Sam might not take it. Not when so much was changing in her life at the present.
"That will be up to them to decide,” Hammond said, “If Sam wants to keep the baby, I will have to remove her from active field status, transfer her to the labs. She’s too much of an invaluable member of this command to lose.”
"And the colonel?”
"Jack will be allowed to stay on the team if he chooses,” George gave her a long look, “You know his history with Charlie, I’m not sure he would stay if given a second chance to have a child.”
"Yes sir.” Janet knew the colonel loved kids; he would undoubtedly give up his career to have his own again.
"However, if Major Carter decides to have the abortion,” Hammond looked uncomfortable, “I will probably transfer her from SG1.”
"General?”
"Can you really see Colonel O’Neill and Major Carter being able to work together afterwards Janet… honestly? Jack is no saint,” Hammond said truthfully, and Janet agreed. They wouldn’t be able to be on the same team, it wasn’t fair to either of them.
"Yes,” Janet paused, “You seem to have thought all the decisions out sir, what do you need me for?”
"I’m going to tell Jack his options,” Hammond said, “Whether or not they raise a child together, do it as friends or don’t have one at all is their decision. But there is no decision where Major Carter can remain a part of SG1.”
Janet nodded, “I understand sir”
"I tried to find another way…” George sighed, “If there hadn’t been a pregnancy in the first place, I would have been willing to overlook their relationship and keep the team together.”
"You want me to tell Major Carter sir?” Janet guessed that that was why she was here, not just to be a sounding board but to tell Sam she was no longer going to be on SG1. Janet wasn’t sure giving her the consolation prize of a relationship with Jack and a baby would be enough; she wasn’t sure Sam was ready to deal with this, even with her newfound control this morning. As calm as Sam had appeared, Janet knew that she had not dealt with the wider considerations that having a baby would bring to her life, both the good and the bad.
"Yes,” George sighed, “I don’t think I am the best one to tell her. I will talk with her later, but Janet… it will be better coming from you than myself or even Jack… or rather, especially Jack.”
"You’re worried she’ll blame him?” Janet guessed.
"I don’t mind if she blames me,” Hammond said dryly, “But Jack doesn’t deserve to be the bad guy.”
Janet winced, that meant she was the bad guy, “No sir.”
"I’m sorry Janet, if you’d rather I do it…”
"No sir,” Janet shook her head, “I’d rather do this myself.”
"Okay,” General Hammond nodded, “I have told Jack I’ll meet him in an hour.”
"I’ll tell Sam at the same time,” Janet paused, “Can I have permission to take her off base?”
Hammond nodded, “I’ll clear it with the gate.”
"Thank you sir,” Janet stood up, she stopped in front of his desk and said quietly “She isn’t going to hate you for this sir.”
"Sam Carter has a stellar career Janet,” George said, “I hate to have to take that away from her.”
Janet thought of Cassandra, of having a loving child to come home to at night, “You’ll be giving her much more in return sir.”
"I’m not sure she’ll see it that way.”
"Maybe not now sir,” Janet said knowing that it was probably true, “But she will.”
General Hammond nodded, “Good luck Janet.”
"You too sir.”
***
Previous Chapters
Chapter Ten
***
Thera made it to the bathrooms just as the lights shut off. She slumped down onto an empty bench, shivering in reaction, closing her eyes tightly and trying to forget the image of Jonah’s pained face as she had run away.
What had she done? She’d just lost the best friend she had. The best thing she had.
She wasn’t sure why she had kissed him, but seeing his adorable face as he admitted that it just felt right watching her had struck a chord inside her. She'd reached out to him almost in instinct, wanting to kiss him so badly that it had hurt. It had been wonderful, she’d lost herself in his warm arms and soft lips, she could still taste him on her tongue and smell him on her skin.
It had only been when Kaegan had interrupted them that Thera had noticed the feeling that what they had been doing was wrong. Very wrong. She wasn’t even sure why, but all of a sudden she knew that being so close to Jonah wasn’t right, and she'd bolted.
She pressed a trembling hand to her mouth, trying to hold back the tears that wanted to fall. She’d run away, she was the one to start everything and then left him alone and ran away. What kind of a person did that?
"Thera?”
She started softly at the sound of Jonah’s voice and the quiet knock on the entrance. She didn’t answer, not sure what she could say to make it better between them. When she didn’t respond, Jonah put his head around the door, eyes half closed as he sought her out. When he realized she was the only one in the room, he stepped inside fully, letting the door close softly behind him.
There was one light left on in the bathrooms after lights out. Thera hoped the relative darkness would hide her face, burning in shame and regret, from Jonah’s eyes.
"Are you okay?” Jonah didn’t sound mad. Thera thought he must be hiding it.
"I’m fine.” She tried to hide the tears in her voice, but even to her ears she sounded shaky and scared.
Jonah sat down on the bench next to her, leaving plenty of space between them. Thera still couldn’t look at his face, instead she concentrated on the floor.
“You’re not okay.” His voice still sounded soft and tender, not at all what she was expecting.
Thera just shook her head, “No,” she paused, “Are you okay?”
"I’m not mad if that’s what your thinking,” Jonah said truthfully, he knew her too well, “I’m worried about why you ran away. You have to know I wouldn’t do anything you didn’t want.”
Thera closed her eyes; he was a much better man than she deserved, “All of a sudden it felt like it was too much.” It had felt wrong, against the rules, but she didn’t say that, “I’m sorry.”
"Don’t be sorry,” Jonah said. He reached out a hand to touch her, but pulled back, putting it limply to his side, “What aren’t you telling me?”
He really did know her too well. Thera wasn’t sure how to tell him, “For a second I felt like I was doing something wrong…”
"Worker’s are allowed partners Thera,” Jonah said, “Almost everyone has one.” But us, his unspoken words echoed between them.
"I don’t think it was that…” Thera felt like there was something on the edge of her memory that she couldn’t quite grasp. Like her feelings were related to something else entirely.
"Do you not want this Thera?” Jonah asked, “We can still be friends can’t we?”
Thera looked up into his face, hearing the soft pain in his voice, the sacrifice he was willing to make so they could still be friends. She knew what he wanted; he may not have said it aloud, but he had burned it into her skin with every touch of his lips. And the looks he gave her were not the looks shared between friends. Looking into his face, Thera knew that she wanted to be with him. She always had. Something still felt like it was wrong but she ignored it.
"I do want this,” Thera said, she reached out her hand and grasped his, “I guess maybe I just freaked out a little, that’s all.”
"Freaked out?” Jonah looked hopeful, “Are you saying..?”
"Yeah, I’m saying…” Thera pulled his face down to hers and kissed him lightly, pulling away before the kiss could deepen, “But maybe we could go a little slow for awhile.”
"Anything you want Thera,” Jonah kissed the top of her head and pulled her into a warm hug, “Anything.”
***
Janet entered General Hammond’s office and closed the door, surprised to find that they were the only two present for the meeting about SG1’s return.
"Where is Doctor Mackenzie sir?” Janet asked after the lead psychiatrist. They didn’t see eye to eye, but Janet grudgingly accepted him as being a contributor to the SGC.
"I’ve postponed the psychiatric evaluations. This is a private meeting, Janet,” Janet raised her eyebrows at the use of her first name, “Take a seat.”
"Are we still here to discuss SG1?” Janet asked, confused. General Hammond rarely held private conferences in his office. That she knew of anyway.
"Yes, part of SG1. I got a late night visit from Colonel O’Neill.” The General’s voice was hesitant and Janet felt her stomach drop. He already knew, and by the shadows beneath his eyes and the haggard look on his face, Janet guessed he had been told everything.
"I see,” Janet shifted, “What did he want to discuss sir?”
General Hammond gave her a shrewd look, “He informed me that he and Major Carter had an intimate relationship when they were not themselves. And that Sam is pregnant.” Hammond’s voice softened on the last sentence and Janet could see the concern he held for the two officers. He was a good commanding officer, he didn’t play favourites, but Janet knew that he had more to do with SG1 than any other team. They were his flagship team and he was proud of them.
"Yes sir,” Janet nodded, “That’s what I was informed of as well, by Major Carter.” She hadn’t admitted in so many words as to O’Neill’s involvement, but Janet didn’t need it spelt out for her.
"Jack came to me last night and asked if I could find them options,” Hammond’s voice lowered, “He mentioned Major Carter was considering an abortion.”
Janet grimaced. Whatever Jack had said to Sam in the room last night, it had changed Sam’s mind. Whether it had been the good night's rest, finally regaining all of her memories, or her confrontation with the colonel, Janet wasn’t sure. But this morning when she had brought Sam breakfast, Sam had been in control, and had changed her mind about her hasty decision.
"Major Carter hasn’t made a formal decision as of yet, sir,” Janet said, trying to pick her words carefully.
"Janet, please, this isn’t an official discussion.” It was George who was asking her, not the General, and Janet knew she could tell him.
"Sam is scared sir. Part if it’s the regulations, but I think most has to do with her relationship with the colonel. Pregnancy was not something Sam considered before this incident, it's been a shock to her and I think she defaulted to what she knew best to deal with that shock; the rules.” Janet thought that Sam had completely blocked out the part of her that wanted the baby, instead focusing on the only part of herself that she understood, her military self. It was possibly the only part of herself that hadn’t been a large part of the more free Thera.
Hammond nodded, “I have some options for both Sam and Jack to consider. Not ideal, but I won’t punish them for what they did when they didn’t know who they were.”
"Does this mean they are going to be free to pursue a relationship sir?” Janet asked, thinking that even if she was given the option, Sam might not take it. Not when so much was changing in her life at the present.
"That will be up to them to decide,” Hammond said, “If Sam wants to keep the baby, I will have to remove her from active field status, transfer her to the labs. She’s too much of an invaluable member of this command to lose.”
"And the colonel?”
"Jack will be allowed to stay on the team if he chooses,” George gave her a long look, “You know his history with Charlie, I’m not sure he would stay if given a second chance to have a child.”
"Yes sir.” Janet knew the colonel loved kids; he would undoubtedly give up his career to have his own again.
"However, if Major Carter decides to have the abortion,” Hammond looked uncomfortable, “I will probably transfer her from SG1.”
"General?”
"Can you really see Colonel O’Neill and Major Carter being able to work together afterwards Janet… honestly? Jack is no saint,” Hammond said truthfully, and Janet agreed. They wouldn’t be able to be on the same team, it wasn’t fair to either of them.
"Yes,” Janet paused, “You seem to have thought all the decisions out sir, what do you need me for?”
"I’m going to tell Jack his options,” Hammond said, “Whether or not they raise a child together, do it as friends or don’t have one at all is their decision. But there is no decision where Major Carter can remain a part of SG1.”
Janet nodded, “I understand sir”
"I tried to find another way…” George sighed, “If there hadn’t been a pregnancy in the first place, I would have been willing to overlook their relationship and keep the team together.”
"You want me to tell Major Carter sir?” Janet guessed that that was why she was here, not just to be a sounding board but to tell Sam she was no longer going to be on SG1. Janet wasn’t sure giving her the consolation prize of a relationship with Jack and a baby would be enough; she wasn’t sure Sam was ready to deal with this, even with her newfound control this morning. As calm as Sam had appeared, Janet knew that she had not dealt with the wider considerations that having a baby would bring to her life, both the good and the bad.
"Yes,” George sighed, “I don’t think I am the best one to tell her. I will talk with her later, but Janet… it will be better coming from you than myself or even Jack… or rather, especially Jack.”
"You’re worried she’ll blame him?” Janet guessed.
"I don’t mind if she blames me,” Hammond said dryly, “But Jack doesn’t deserve to be the bad guy.”
Janet winced, that meant she was the bad guy, “No sir.”
"I’m sorry Janet, if you’d rather I do it…”
"No sir,” Janet shook her head, “I’d rather do this myself.”
"Okay,” General Hammond nodded, “I have told Jack I’ll meet him in an hour.”
"I’ll tell Sam at the same time,” Janet paused, “Can I have permission to take her off base?”
Hammond nodded, “I’ll clear it with the gate.”
"Thank you sir,” Janet stood up, she stopped in front of his desk and said quietly “She isn’t going to hate you for this sir.”
"Sam Carter has a stellar career Janet,” George said, “I hate to have to take that away from her.”
Janet thought of Cassandra, of having a loving child to come home to at night, “You’ll be giving her much more in return sir.”
"I’m not sure she’ll see it that way.”
"Maybe not now sir,” Janet said knowing that it was probably true, “But she will.”
General Hammond nodded, “Good luck Janet.”
"You too sir.”
***
Previous Chapters
Chapter Ten