(no subject)
you're all just in my head. why should i be intimidated?
"there is no inside; there is no outside, for what's outside is inside."
(he says and he says and he says)
i'm a pro at self-isolation and avoidance of everyone everywhere
i'm never lonely left to my own devices but i yearn for social interaction without anxiety, and that's something i haven't known since i was 10 years old.
i never want to say it, but i am afraid of being judged for who i am. i am afraid of rejection. i know i can't control or know what anyone thinks anyway, but all i get out of being the person who shies away from interaction is a shrug of an acknowledgement that yes, i've been met. yes, i'm an okay person. quiet, keeps to self.
i am more than that.
all i can know is what i think.
you're all me. i can never know you separate from myself.
what reason have i to be afraid of you?
what reason have i to hold back my opinions and hide myself?
i know who i am. i know it's not who you think i am because i pretend to be someone i'm not every day. this is why social interaction is so draining for me. i won't allow myself to be myself in a crowd. and i hate that, so i avoid crowds. i avoid risks. i avoid fun. i avoid life because i'm too scared to live.
i hate that.
i hate that i always find excuses not to go out and not to take the initiative and not to speak up and not to ask questions.
i'm so afraid.
even here, sometimes.
i can't even be myself with you guys and i've never even met any of you.
i censor myself.
why?
i don't want to censor myself around anyone. any friends, i mean.
i want people to like me for who i am, not this person quiet boring i project.
i get myself super involved with school to keep busy. i keep busy so i don't have to think about how frustrated i am with myself for keeping this person i am kept in a cage.
and despite all i've learned about the human mind and behaviour
and all these things i know
i feel as though i'm standing in front of a huge brick wall that keeps me from dialing a number
or even going upstairs in the house and chatting with the people i live with.
i'm hiding, i'm too safe.
i hate it.
it's not a job for SSRIs, and it's not a job for psychiatrists.
this is about the will to make mistakes and the will to be embarrassed and get past it.
to learn that life's not over if someone actually thinks i'm not a worthwhile person to be around
to know that the right people will love me no matter what
and to hold on to those friends.
to not withdraw out of self-consciousness.
to approach rather than avoid.
to allow people in.
you're all a part of me already. a reflection in some ways.
even if you don't like me, i have something to learn from you about who i am.
i think i'll stop censoring myself. here, and around people i want to be friends with.
if you don't like me, you don't have to read my journal or talk to me.
and that's really okay, because if you don't like me i've learned something about myself
and maybe i'll change and maybe i won't and will just better understand who i am.
i can't be someone for everyone.
i don't even want to say these things.
i don't want to admit that i'm so afraid of the opinions of others that i hide from them.
but to acknowledge that weakness is to start to get beyond it.
i have to allow myself to be vulnerable.
i need to learn how to deal with rejection because as it stands if someone rejected me now i'd probably come home and cry about it.
and it seems ridiculous to type out and i have all kinds of advice for people who say these things, and i know the cognitive techniques, and i know about needs and rewards and phobias and all of these things.
my problem is taking initiative. no one is going to do it for me. i hold the keys to my own happiness, but i've kept myself in isolation.
you know what else i'll admit?
i troll facebook out of a desire to want to be in the lives of all these people i know but who i'm too scared to contact. i get a boost of self-esteem anytime anyone 'likes' something i post because my sense of self-worth is so low a positive interaction from anyone makes me feel like i'm not a total waste of everyone's time. i've quit facebook several times in an attempt to be more social in the real world, but denying myself that shadow of socialization does not increase my outward social behaviour. i just get more depressed.
people always said to me "find one friend, and you'll find many friends"
but that only works if you accept invites and get to know new people.
there's no trick to any of this.
it's simple. say hello. smile. ask how people are.
talk about something.
i've done it before.
i was a overbearingly extroverted kid, in everyone's face about everything all the time.
maybe i've been making up for it.
not that introversion is a bad thing, but i don't feel like i'm living. i feel like i'm surviving.
i am half-sick of shadows.
how do i be?
i've been reading a book on buddhism
and have been trying to think more about others than myself in interactions
because that is honestly a problem. as much as i would not like to admit that either.
i'm not perfect.
i have a shit ton of issues when it comes to interaction.
i don't believe i'm a worthwhile person to know.
part of what scares me is growing into a person who is not compatible with matty.
that could happen.
it could also not happen.
but would i really like to be with someone around whom i could never be myself anyway?
i would say i hold back, even around him.
around everyone.
and that's a sickening thought.
buddhism also teaches you to go easy on yourself when you think such things.
i like buddhism. lots of good stuff in the teachings, though i don't think i'd ever meditate the way they like to.
a huge part of this is crohn's. TMI, but while we're here..
it's really hard to feel comfortable around people when you have uncontrollable gas and you have to run to the bathroom every five minutes. i haven't had a flareup like that in a long time, but the fear's still there. like. how can you be a likable person if you can't even control your own bodily functions?
things are better now though.
my skin is a lot better now too.
i don't know what happened.
i haven't had a breakout in two months.
maybe my body realized i'm not a teenager anymore.
that's a confidence boost though.
i always think about trying make-up to be more comfortable in public. i think i would be more comfortable conforming like that, but it goes against everything i am. i want to be comfortable just as i am. but i'm not yet. and it's obvious.
i'm aware that i'm obviously uncomfortable around some people.
not all people.
the dojo is an uncomfortable place for me for some reason.
during class it's fine, but before and after, where i have to interact with people i don't know but see all the time. i say have to like it's a chore, but it's only a chore because i get so anxious about it. if i saw it as an opportunity..
i'd like to get out of this cage.
i want to go out and meet people and have conversations and experience all different types of personalities. i want to be blatantly rejected and disagreed with. i want to learn how to deal with that.
but maybe i'm afraid i can't take it.
maybe i'm afraid of crying in front of people.
i am extraordinarily sensitive. i generally cry first and figure out what my problem was later. that's a problem. how do i deal with that? buddhism says sit with the emotion and experience it but don't react to it. it's hard not to react to it when the thoughts bring on the emotional response. i don't want to not think about it either.
anyway.
so.
that was me being straightforward and open and honest about some faults.
i need to go study stats somewhere because my exam is first thing in the morning.
fuck man.
fuck it.
just be.
i want to stop thinking about doing things
and actually do things!
life is what happens when you're busy making plans.
i have nothing to hide from anyone.
there's no reason for this to be locked
or to disallow comments
or anything
why? to protect myself from myself?
bring it on.
"there is no inside; there is no outside, for what's outside is inside."
(he says and he says and he says)
i'm a pro at self-isolation and avoidance of everyone everywhere
i'm never lonely left to my own devices but i yearn for social interaction without anxiety, and that's something i haven't known since i was 10 years old.
i never want to say it, but i am afraid of being judged for who i am. i am afraid of rejection. i know i can't control or know what anyone thinks anyway, but all i get out of being the person who shies away from interaction is a shrug of an acknowledgement that yes, i've been met. yes, i'm an okay person. quiet, keeps to self.
i am more than that.
all i can know is what i think.
you're all me. i can never know you separate from myself.
what reason have i to be afraid of you?
what reason have i to hold back my opinions and hide myself?
i know who i am. i know it's not who you think i am because i pretend to be someone i'm not every day. this is why social interaction is so draining for me. i won't allow myself to be myself in a crowd. and i hate that, so i avoid crowds. i avoid risks. i avoid fun. i avoid life because i'm too scared to live.
i hate that.
i hate that i always find excuses not to go out and not to take the initiative and not to speak up and not to ask questions.
i'm so afraid.
even here, sometimes.
i can't even be myself with you guys and i've never even met any of you.
i censor myself.
why?
i don't want to censor myself around anyone. any friends, i mean.
i want people to like me for who i am, not this person quiet boring i project.
i get myself super involved with school to keep busy. i keep busy so i don't have to think about how frustrated i am with myself for keeping this person i am kept in a cage.
and despite all i've learned about the human mind and behaviour
and all these things i know
i feel as though i'm standing in front of a huge brick wall that keeps me from dialing a number
or even going upstairs in the house and chatting with the people i live with.
i'm hiding, i'm too safe.
i hate it.
it's not a job for SSRIs, and it's not a job for psychiatrists.
this is about the will to make mistakes and the will to be embarrassed and get past it.
to learn that life's not over if someone actually thinks i'm not a worthwhile person to be around
to know that the right people will love me no matter what
and to hold on to those friends.
to not withdraw out of self-consciousness.
to approach rather than avoid.
to allow people in.
you're all a part of me already. a reflection in some ways.
even if you don't like me, i have something to learn from you about who i am.
i think i'll stop censoring myself. here, and around people i want to be friends with.
if you don't like me, you don't have to read my journal or talk to me.
and that's really okay, because if you don't like me i've learned something about myself
and maybe i'll change and maybe i won't and will just better understand who i am.
i can't be someone for everyone.
i don't even want to say these things.
i don't want to admit that i'm so afraid of the opinions of others that i hide from them.
but to acknowledge that weakness is to start to get beyond it.
i have to allow myself to be vulnerable.
i need to learn how to deal with rejection because as it stands if someone rejected me now i'd probably come home and cry about it.
and it seems ridiculous to type out and i have all kinds of advice for people who say these things, and i know the cognitive techniques, and i know about needs and rewards and phobias and all of these things.
my problem is taking initiative. no one is going to do it for me. i hold the keys to my own happiness, but i've kept myself in isolation.
you know what else i'll admit?
i troll facebook out of a desire to want to be in the lives of all these people i know but who i'm too scared to contact. i get a boost of self-esteem anytime anyone 'likes' something i post because my sense of self-worth is so low a positive interaction from anyone makes me feel like i'm not a total waste of everyone's time. i've quit facebook several times in an attempt to be more social in the real world, but denying myself that shadow of socialization does not increase my outward social behaviour. i just get more depressed.
people always said to me "find one friend, and you'll find many friends"
but that only works if you accept invites and get to know new people.
there's no trick to any of this.
it's simple. say hello. smile. ask how people are.
talk about something.
i've done it before.
i was a overbearingly extroverted kid, in everyone's face about everything all the time.
maybe i've been making up for it.
not that introversion is a bad thing, but i don't feel like i'm living. i feel like i'm surviving.
i am half-sick of shadows.
how do i be?
i've been reading a book on buddhism
and have been trying to think more about others than myself in interactions
because that is honestly a problem. as much as i would not like to admit that either.
i'm not perfect.
i have a shit ton of issues when it comes to interaction.
i don't believe i'm a worthwhile person to know.
part of what scares me is growing into a person who is not compatible with matty.
that could happen.
it could also not happen.
but would i really like to be with someone around whom i could never be myself anyway?
i would say i hold back, even around him.
around everyone.
and that's a sickening thought.
buddhism also teaches you to go easy on yourself when you think such things.
i like buddhism. lots of good stuff in the teachings, though i don't think i'd ever meditate the way they like to.
a huge part of this is crohn's. TMI, but while we're here..
it's really hard to feel comfortable around people when you have uncontrollable gas and you have to run to the bathroom every five minutes. i haven't had a flareup like that in a long time, but the fear's still there. like. how can you be a likable person if you can't even control your own bodily functions?
things are better now though.
my skin is a lot better now too.
i don't know what happened.
i haven't had a breakout in two months.
maybe my body realized i'm not a teenager anymore.
that's a confidence boost though.
i always think about trying make-up to be more comfortable in public. i think i would be more comfortable conforming like that, but it goes against everything i am. i want to be comfortable just as i am. but i'm not yet. and it's obvious.
i'm aware that i'm obviously uncomfortable around some people.
not all people.
the dojo is an uncomfortable place for me for some reason.
during class it's fine, but before and after, where i have to interact with people i don't know but see all the time. i say have to like it's a chore, but it's only a chore because i get so anxious about it. if i saw it as an opportunity..
i'd like to get out of this cage.
i want to go out and meet people and have conversations and experience all different types of personalities. i want to be blatantly rejected and disagreed with. i want to learn how to deal with that.
but maybe i'm afraid i can't take it.
maybe i'm afraid of crying in front of people.
i am extraordinarily sensitive. i generally cry first and figure out what my problem was later. that's a problem. how do i deal with that? buddhism says sit with the emotion and experience it but don't react to it. it's hard not to react to it when the thoughts bring on the emotional response. i don't want to not think about it either.
anyway.
so.
that was me being straightforward and open and honest about some faults.
i need to go study stats somewhere because my exam is first thing in the morning.
fuck man.
fuck it.
just be.
i want to stop thinking about doing things
and actually do things!
life is what happens when you're busy making plans.
i have nothing to hide from anyone.
there's no reason for this to be locked
or to disallow comments
or anything
why? to protect myself from myself?
bring it on.