My Stardust Melody, Chapter 21
Reid was lying on his back staring up at the creamy white ceiling and clutching a pillow as he tried to tame his emotions. He hated that Luke made him feel so vulnerable. In the space of five minutes, he had gone from annoyed to enthralled to aroused to enraged. No matter how hard Reid had tried to distance himself from Luke, feeling disengaged was an elusive concept where Luke was concerned. It was like Reid’s feelings were blood in the water and Luke was fucking Jaws.
Thinking back to two years ago, Reid could admit that everything about Luke Snyder surprised him. He had had no peace then, either. It had been a series of firsts for Reid from the moment they had met. He had thought that he never wanted to do a relationship, but when he saw Luke standing on the top of the staircase, he’d known that Luke was special. And by the end of the night, hadn’t Reid practically fallen in love? Not that he’d ever admit to such a thing, but through process of elimination, the only explanation for his feelings had to be love.
He’d thought a relationship would never be a part of the plan, but after making love to Luke, he’d realized that his blueprint for life was stupid. It was the first time he had thought he might be capable of being with someone else, having never really let himself hope that he’d find someone who might want to be with him in return. It was the first time since he’d met a gangly eight-old-old Nathan that he’d looked into someone else’s eyes and felt a connection. By the time of the party, Reid was thirty-years-old with one real friend, and the feeling of being completely accepted by someone else after all that time had been intoxicating.
And all the while that Reid had been reeling from these new feelings, Luke had been deceiving him. A sucker punch to Reid’s gut would have been kinder than what Luke had devised.
A knock on the door interrupted his thoughts. "Go away, Nathan," Reid barked. The last thing he needed was Nathan coming in here and trying to figure out what Reid was feeling. For a cold corporate lawyer, his friend seemed annoyingly versed in pop psychology.
The door opened slightly, and Reid realized he'd made a mistake. The last thing he needed wasn't Nathan. It was Luke. He couldn't believe the blond was poking his head into the room.
"It's me, Reid. Can I come in? There's something I'd like to talk to you about." Luke's voice seemed urgent and the look on his face was difficult for Reid to identify. Was it panic? Whatever it was it couldn't be good for Reid's sanity.
Reid sighed. "Could I stop you?"
As Luke hobbled in on his one good foot, Reid realized he probably could have kept Luke out with a long stick or a giant hook. Anything could have knocked Gimpy over.
When the blond stood at the foot of the bed, Reid looked up at him expectantly. He noticed that the big sorrowful eyes were back in action. Great, what now? Reid tried to brace himself for whatever was about to come out of Luke's mouth. He could almost hear the Jaws theme music begin, the beat simulating the rhythm of his heart. Dun…Dun Dun…Dun Dun Dun…
Luke took a deep breath before rushing out, "I didn't know you lost your job two years ago."
Reid blinked a few times and ran his fingers through his hair. He felt like his head was submerged in water and his brain couldn't process what Luke said. "What?" was his inelegant response.
Slower, this time, Luke repeated, "I said I didn't know you lost your job two years ago because of me."
"Well, now you know." He fluttered his hand toward the door in a gesture for Luke to leave.
The stubborn young man, however, remained staring at Reid who covered his face with his pillow. Maybe I'll pass out and miss whatever else he has to say, Reid thought.
"I'm so sorry, Reid. I didn't know Julian was your investor, and because of me, you lost your job," Luke said with earnestness. Reid could hear the self-recrimination dripping from Luke's voice.
Reid removed the pillow from his face. "You're just figuring this out now?" he asked incredulously.
Luke nodded, wobbling on his good foot.
"Oh, for the love of God, sit down. You're making me dizzy," Reid snapped.
Luke sat uncertainly on the foot of the bed and carefully stretched his legs out in front of him. Reid rolled his eyes and tossed a pillow at Luke for him to prop underneath his injured ankle. Then the doctor stared at the blond and found that most of his anger had deserted him. Of course, Luke didn’t know about Reid’s job because that would have been too simple and tidy. No, the cosmos was desperate to screw with Reid one last time, and how better than to concoct this farcical situation.
Well, fate had messed with him one too many times because Reid felt momentarily numb and didn’t rise to the bait. There was no anger left. Perhaps it was because this announcement of Luke's was so unexpected or perhaps it was because Reid was tired of being angry all the time. Whatever the case, he wanted to understand Luke for just one moment, as if that somehow would bring Luke’s whole life into clarity. He never seemed to fathom the young man up until now, so maybe this could be a first. "You didn't think it was weird that I was taking a job in Oakdale?" he asked.
Luke blushed and shrugged. "I just assumed things hadn't worked out in Boston."
"Short of a force of nature, things always work out for me in medicine."
With a tremulous smile, Luke asked, "I qualify as a force of nature?"
And then some. "At least a gale-force wind. Maybe even a hurricane," Reid replied. It was probably the most honest thing Reid had said to Luke in the past few weeks. Luke naturally seemed to wreak havoc wherever he went.
Luke's voice turned small again. "When Julian walked into that room, did you know he'd pull your funding?"
Reid puffed out his cheeks and widened his eyes before he replied, "Once I figured out you were dating and maybe marrying him." Reid was glad to see that Luke had the good grace to wince. At least he's not completely insensitive.
"Did you lose your job after the party?" Luke asked.
The bark of laughter Reid let out was unstoppable. "No, I didn't last that long. I didn't even make it to the ballroom. After I left you, my chief of staff found me in the hallway. Julian had already told him the deal was over."
Luke closed his eyes and sighed, "Oh, god. And that's why you…"
Reid cocked his head when Luke stopped himself short. "Why I--?"
Luke shook his head and paused before he answered, "Why you’re so angry."
Reid had the impression that Luke was going to say something else but couldn't imagine what that would have been. "That is a big reason," Reid responded. "Loss of employment and moving out-of-state does tend to make me a bit touchy." And while the comment was steeped in sarcasm, the sentiment was more than true. Only two things mattered to Reid: his career and Nathan. And when he had lost the former, he had had to move away from the latter for the first time in his life. The pampered guy in front of him now could never imagine the kind of pain he had caused.
Luke leaned over and put his hand on Reid's outstretched leg, causing the doctor to stiffen as heat spread up his body. "Reid, I am so sorry. I never imagined that kind of outcome. I'm not making excuses for what I did, but I want you to know that I wasn't trying to hurt you."
Luke's lip trembled as Reid regarded him. Perhaps in Luke's own warped way, he was telling the truth. When Reid looked at the life Luke had had--raised with a silver spoon, a crime lord for a biological father, and who knows what else--he recognized a possibility that Luke had been thoughtless enough not to realize that he had been playing with fire. Maybe Luke hadn't tried to hurt Reid; he probably had just never given much consideration to his actions. Why would he when his father was usually left to clean everything up?
Reid finally said, "I suppose the chances were slim that Julian would be the same man funding me, not that that excuses it. You were thinking about marrying him. From the moment I met you, you were lying."
Luke squeezed Reid's shin and said fervently, "Reid, I swear I planned to tell you about Julian that night."
Reid snorted. "That's convenient." And easy to say now.
"I know you have no reason to believe me, but think back. Don't you remember me trying to talk to you, telling you there were things you didn't understand about me?"
Reid thought about it. There was a memory of Luke trying to push Reid off saying that there were things Reid needed to know. Then Luke caved and swore they'd talk later. That discussion never happened, though, because Julian and Damian interrupted. Is it possible that Luke had had a change of heart that night? That he realized I deserved to know he was involved with someone else?
"I remember that you wanted to talk," Reid allowed, not wanting to give away his thoughts.
Luke wet his lips and looked hopefully into Reid's eyes. "It was about Julian, Reid. And about who I was. I was planning to come clean and hoping you'd forgive me for not telling you in the first place."
"Why?" Reid asked. If Luke was interested in Julian's money, why tell Reid anything at that point? Why did Luke feel like he needed forgiveness?
The blond turned his face away for a long moment. Reid had almost given up hope that he would reply when Luke whipped his face back to Reid and said, "Honestly? Because I wanted to be with you, but I knew I couldn't do that without you knowing about Julian and Grimaldi."
Reid sat up against the wooden headboard and pulled his knees to his chest, removing Luke's hold on his leg. He needed some space to think. Could this be true? Could Luke have changed course that night, and decided that money wasn't worth everything? Could he have wanted to tell me about Julian? About his Grimaldi family?
He stared at Luke, trying to glean anything from Luke's expression. The other man's face was flushed and his large brown eyes were full of sincerity. Luke seemed to stop breathing as he waited for Reid to reply. Still hesitant to believe anything Luke said, Reid responded slowly as his mind raced. "That seems like a major change in plans, particularly when you slept with me the night before without saying a word about those things. Without saying much of anything that was true." Like about Tom, or the identity of your father, or your need for money, or your boyfriend….
With a minute nod of his head, Luke affirmed emotionally, "I-I should have. I was just…I was just so struck by you. And I know it seems pathetic to say that now, and I know you didn't feel that way, but I have nothing to gain or to lose by telling you now." In fact, Luke’s voice shook with a mixture of embarrassment and sorrow.
It was the siren's song all over again. Reid could feel the tug on his chest, the desire to swim straight into danger. Luke wasn't denying any of the things he was--someone who manipulated, a taker, greedy--but he seemed to feel legitimate remorse. And most of all, Reid couldn't figure out a reason why Luke would be lying now. Luke was right: What could he possibly have to gain or lose by telling Reid these things now?
When Reid didn't reply, Luke said remorsefully, "I've never cost anyone so much as I have you, and I don't know how to live with that." There was a tremor in Luke's hand as he pushed his hair back off of his handsome face. “You have to believe Reid that I am sorry for everything I did back then. I am not the same person any more. The things I did for money then, I wouldn’t do now.”
Reid sensed that Luke was barely holding himself together, and he struggled with what to say. Luke looked like a freaking angel, his skin pale and his eyes shimmering, sitting at the foot of the bed. Could Luke really be that good of an actor? He certainly wasn’t denying the fact that he was with Julian for money or that Reid lost his job because of the lies. For two years, Reid had believed the blond to be conniving and malicious. Now, the decency that had once attracted Reid shone through again, and Reid wasn't sure what to believe. But Luke certainly appeared to be telling the truth.
Could he forgive Luke? Reid didn’t know. Luke had hired some guy to pretend to attack Reid, and Reid had a difficult time believing that anyone who was that cruel could really change so much. But Luke seemed so damned remorseful. “For everything,” he had said. Did that include Tom? Would Luke now admit to it?
And what did Luke’s revelations tonight say about Luke’s relationship with Henry? Perhaps the relationship had more substance than it would seem.
Christ, there were always so many damned questions where Luke Snyder was concerned, Reid thought severely.
He wondered when he’d become such an idiot that he’d even contemplate that Luke might be sincere. As he sat there warily looking at this tearful version of Luke, he couldn’t stop himself from thinking that Luke’s pleas seemed eerily similar to his mother’s. “I’m so sorry, Reid. Things will be better, and I promise it won’t happen again,” she had said. But it did, again and again, and Reid kept wanting to believe her. As much as he wanted Luke to have changed and be what he seemed, was this just Reid’s childish weakness playing out again? He closed his eyes and silently cursed Nathan again for bringing up his mother. Those days were best left forgotten.
Reid sat up straighter, trying to fight against the invisible weight that was pulling him down. Luke sat quietly and stared at his hands now resting in his lap. Reid opened his mouth to ask one of the many questions that had darted through his head, but he couldn’t grasp which one should come first. And if he did ask questions, he wasn’t sure he was ready for the answers. Reid felt small and trapped-his own uncertainties about the past, both from his childhood and more recently, hindering him from asking the most important thing: Were Luke’s feelings real two years ago ?
Because if he asked that, and Luke said they were, Reid wasn’t sure he had the strength to keep Luke away. After all this time and despite all the deceptions, when Reid looked at Luke, he felt more alive than he had in two years. And it was hell. Reid didn’t think he could take it if Luke turned out to be a conniving impostor yet again.
Reid was saved from making any decisions by a knock on the door.
"Hey Luke, I brought you some soup. Those pills didn't look like the sorts of things you'd want to take on an empty stomach," Nathan said from the doorway. As he walked into the room, he gave Reid a questioning look that the doctor took to mean, "Are you okay?"
Nathan’s presence brought a warm rush of comfort to Reid, taking the edge off his near panic. Reid nodded his head slightly at the unasked query. He took a few breaths, calming himself. Nothing had to be decided now, he reasoned. He didn’t have to decide Luke Snyder’s guilt or innocence in one night, and he certainly didn’t have to decide whether he should forgive the younger man. One thing was certain, however: He was softening toward Luke Snyder, and he didn't like it. Not that his perpetual state of ire had been cozy, but it was at least familiar. He hated this gnawing sensation that was currently lodged in his stomach. The only thing his belly needed to experience was being full of food as far as he was concerned.
"Oh, thank you," Luke said politely as he took the bowl from Nathan. Reid felt his stomach growl.
Nathan smiled down at Luke and announced, "I wanted to apologize for being hard on you out there before I went to bed. Obviously, you didn’t know about Reid’s job.” As he made the last statement, he looked pointedly at Reid, clearly indicating his belief that Luke was telling the truth. If Nathan believed him, Reid was forced to admit that as a point in Luke’s favor. His friend had always been a good judge of character.
“That’s okay,” Luke replied kindly. “You’re obviously a good friend.” Luke’s face was still drawn and pale, but he managed to flick a smile toward the tall brunette.
Mild surprise registered across Nathan’s face, and Reid realized that whatever had been said out in the living room, Nathan wasn’t expecting Luke’s easy forgiveness. In fact, Reid realized that he had also been cruel to Luke as well, but in all the time spent in here, Luke hadn’t once used it to guilt Reid or try to win sympathy. If Luke were the same person he was two years ago, Reid imagined that the blond would have used Reid’s unkindness as some sort of weapon to make Reid feel bad. But Luke hadn’t, and Reid again pondered if Luke was truly different.
“Only because Reid is such a good friend to me,” Nathan responded to Luke and then winked at Reid.
That nonsense brought Reid a bit closer to feeling normal. “Oh, Christ. Knock the sweet stuff off. It’s disgusting.” Reid gave a little shiver. His heart wasn’t really in the banter, but he felt grateful that he was possibly going to escape the heavy emotional stuff. Better to pretend that he had moved away from thinking about it than risk Luke messing further with Reid’s emotions. He had learned the lesson long ago that he could keep people from manipulating him if he pretended not to care.
“See? Who wouldn’t love that?” Nathan laughed. “Anyway,” he drawled while glaring mockingly at Reid before saying, “I want to get up as soon as it's dawn. I'll sleep on the sofa; Luke, you take the bed-that thing is going to be way too uncomfortable for your leg with all the lumps. Reid, there's a nice chair out there for you."
"Gee, thanks," Reid replied. He looked out the window and realized it was dark outside and probably had been for quite a while. He wondered if the snow had stopped.
Nathan shrugged, obviously unconcerned by his friend's sarcasm. "Well, I don't see you planning to hike five miles in the snow tomorrow."
"Only because you wouldn't let me," Reid growled. And he really didn't need the reminder that he was going to spend the morning alone with Luke. If he were unlucky, it could be the afternoon, too. And where luck and Luke were concerned, the odds never seemed stacked on Reid’s side.
Nathan shrugged. "Well, I didn't mean to interrupt. I'll see you guys tomorrow." And with that, he hurried out of the room.
Leave it to Nathan to butt in, be nosy, and then run out and make things more awkward.
Reid was relieved when Luke didn't say anything but seemed to focus unnaturally on his soup. He looked over at the table by the bed and saw two books. Leaning over, he picked up one called, "Oakdale Confidential," and seeing the title promptly tossed it to the side. He grabbed the other book without looking, figuring anything would be better.
Not really paying attention to what he was doing, he flipped open the cover and pretended to read. After spending a solid minute trying to ignore Luke and keep his eyes glued on the page, he heard snickering.
"Yes, Mr. Snyder?" he inquired.
Luke gave Reid an amused grin. "You're really reading that?"
"Of course. Who wouldn't be interested in," he paused as he flipped to the cover and read aloud the title, "Taming the Cougar?"
"Are you going to stick with that response?" Luke asked, eying the picture of a tawdrily dressed woman in the embrace of a younger and firmer man.
"Shut up," Reid replied, but he couldn't hide his small smile. That cover really was pretty damn awful. Why was that man dressed in what looked like a leather thong while this “cougar” was dressed in some sort of formal gown slit down to her navel? Reid never did understand why some people were drawn to these overly muscular and stupid-looking sorts of men. Of course, that woman in the picture didn’t look too bright either.
"You know," Luke said thoughtfully, pointing his spoon at Reid, "I think that's the nicest thing you've said to me in weeks."
Reid smirked. "Don't let it go to your head."
Luke batted his eyelashes and said, “Oh gee, Dr. Oliver, I bet you have to beat the guys off with a stick with all that perty talk.”
And there it was, Luke’s uncanny ability to lighten Reid’s mood without effort. Luke hadn’t been affronted by Reid telling him to shut up, whereas most people in Reid’s experience expected that Reid would certainly mean that statement. But Luke, who had borne the brunt of Reid’s sincere ire for weeks, hadn’t even hesitated to take it as playful. Luke’s comments had been without any recrimination; they were quite simply jokes that made Reid feel somehow better and safer.
Luke looked at him and smiled. Reid noticed that some of the tension seemed to ease further from the room. That grin was truly infectious. Maybe a truce was a good idea after all, Reid considered. He didn’t have to “forgive” Luke to make things more pleasant. And if he were cautious, and he would be, he could surely survive the next twelve hours or so without falling under Luke’s spell. This wasn’t so bad, right?
They sat in amicable silence. Luke slowly ate his soup while Reid had nothing better to do than watch. He certainly wasn’t about to pick up Taming the Cougar. Luke seemed nervous now that Reid's eyes were on him, so he appeared to stare into the bottom of the bowl of corn chowder. It was clear that Luke was trying to decide whether to bring up their earlier conversation whenever he flicked a nervous glance toward the doctor. Reid was glad, however, that Luke chose to remain quiet as it gave him a chance to calmly observe the other man. Reid noticed that Luke never scraped the bottom with his spoon. Not once did he drag it. In fact, he'd never seen anyone eat so quietly. It was kind of fascinating and weird at the same time.
Unfortunately, while Reid tried to figure out this trick, it brought attention to the way Luke put the spoon in his mouth and sipped the liquid. As Luke progressed through the bowl, his actions got slower as if he weren't too hungry and was just trying to force himself to eat. At one point, Reid was almost sure Luke was teasing him as the blond turned the spoon upside down and just seemed to suck on it for a few seconds. The suspicion increased when Luke pulled the spoon from his mouth but left his lips in a perfect pout. Reid nearly groaned in response. When Luke tossed the spoon in the bowl and frowned, the doctor realized it had been wishful thinking. Luke just didn't like the soup.
"I can finish that for you," Reid offered. No sense in good food going to waste.
"You want to eat this?" Luke asked dubiously.
"Not everyone is so finicky," Reid replied, trying not to stare at the tiny bit of chowder at the corner of Luke's mouth. The fact that he wanted to start with that particular bit of soup was best left unsaid.
"I'm not sure our barn cats would eat this, but here you go," Luke responded and handed the bowl to Reid.
Reid started eating the soup. It was a little on the gelatinous side, but it was sweet and didn't taste that bad in his estimation. Luke was probably just used to meals prepared by professional chefs every night and too spoiled to eat canned soup. Reid hurriedly took a few sips from his spoon, closing his eyes and sighing in pleasure as the warmth hit his insides. Since he was young, the sensation of food in his belly always brought him a certain amount of peace. When he opened his gaze, he caught Luke looking fixedly at his mouth before hurriedly glancing away. Ha, I'm not alone, Reid thought with no small amount of self-satisfaction and pleasure. He decided to eat the rest of the soup very slowly. If the little bastard was lying, Reid might as well torture him a bit.
When Reid put the bowl down on the small table next to the bed, Luke said, "You don't have to sleep on the floor or a chair. There's more than enough room on this bed that we shouldn't get in each other's way."
This is the punishment I get for trying to torture him with slow soup eating. Reid wasn't about to let it slip that he might have a problem sleeping near Luke because he was afraid he'd try to touch the seductive blond. Just because Luke had somewhat apologized didn't mean that Reid would literally jump in bed with him anytime soon. There was no way that could lead anywhere good for Reid.
Then Reid looked at Luke and saw the innocent and friendly expression had returned to the young man's face. If Reid had to guess, Luke didn't have anything more on his mind than sleep. Luke looked like a puppy hoping to make a new friend. It was kind of lowering. Reid wasn't sure if he should be insulted, disappointed, or overjoyed. But, he did need to set one thing straight. "So we're clear: Just because we shared soup and you had some sort of epiphany doesn't mean I want to suddenly be besties. There will be no braiding each other’s hair or having sleepovers."
Luke wrinkled his nose. "You got all that from me asking if you wanted half of this bed?"
"I prepare for all occasions, and I saw that eager look in your eye." Okay, so it hadn’t been the kind of eager look Reid had half-heartedly wanted to see, but it could definitely be characterized as “eager.”
Folding his arms over his chest, Luke replied, "It's called 'I want to sleep,' and I thought I'd be nice to you. You do know what being nice is, don't you?"
Reid ignored the barb. "You probably snore."
"You tell me, Reid. I believe we've shared a bed before."
From the smug look on Luke's face, Reid could tell the blond thought he might unnerve Reid with the mention of their past. "I don't recall a lot of sleeping," Reid sniped, hoping he'd unsettle Luke in return.
With a false cheesy grin, Luke said, "Well, that's all there will be this time, Reidyboy."
Reidyboy? "Nathan has loose lips, I see," Reid ground out.
"Not your favorite nickname?" Luke asked with a note of superiority in his voice.
"No." I should go out there and shoot Nathan. What else did he tell Luke?
Luke gave an exaggerated yawn. "So, what shall it be, Reid? Chair or bed?" He asked it like he was daring Reid.
Reid huffed. He wasn't going to let on that he felt nervous about being in a bed with Luke Snyder. Reid was made of sterner stuff and could master his emotions when needed. "Bed," he replied with a nod. "But you stay on your side, or I'll kick you and your bad ankle to the floor. No trying to steal any body heat to keep warm."
“Deal.”
Getting ready for bed took little time. Luke slipped off his sweater and wore his tight grey T-shirt and black boxers to bed. Reid slept in his midnight blue boxers. There was no sense in sleeping in the exact same clothes he would have to wear for most of tomorrow. Each man crawled under the covers on separate sides of the double bed. Reid shut off the light on the table, and then all that was left was silence. At first, Reid had trouble becoming sleepy because of all the questions he had racing across his brain. But eventually, tiredness from the strain of the day won out and all Reid could do was listen to the stillness of the darkened room. He could hear Luke's breathing and knew he was still awake thirty minutes after the light had gone out. Slowly, Luke's breaths turned more rhythmic, and Reid thought the blond had finally nodded off. But just as Reid closed his eyes, he heard Luke whisper, "I am so sorry."
Moments later Reid drifted asleep, feeling strangely warmer than he had in two years.
A/N I apologize for the delay in posting. Lemondrop34, Franchop, and I have been busily trying to get this story into better shape, and I'm intentionally trying to build up a stockpile of chapters. So....the next couple chapters may be released on a slower basis until I've written through a particular point in the plot.