My Stardust Melody, Chapter 24
After the shock of sudden darkness had worn off, Reid found candles in the kitchen and lit a few to provide them light in addition to what filtered through the windows. He then went out to the front porch, gathered some logs, and followed Luke's instructions on how to light a fire since Luke wasn't steady enough on his ankle to do it himself. Well, Reid eventually agreed to listen to Luke anyways. First, the doctor insisted that he was intelligent enough to figure out how to set some wood on fire and then stubbornly refused to acknowledge that his feeble attempts were getting him nowhere. Then, after some smirking and mocking by Mr. Snyder, Reid finally agreed that he needed help. Five minutes later, the fire blazed and the two men were comfortable for the time being.
Reid was relieved that Luke hadn't pestered him for free medical advice thus far. Usually when a person had so much as a hangnail and found out Reid was a doctor, the complaints and questions started flowing nonstop. Luke had been surprisingly quiet about his injury, only smiling apologetically when he wasn't able to help around the cabin. For a guy who had been raised with the finer things in life, Luke was unusually accommodating. Reid knew better than to question it--he didn't want to open a can of worms and have to hear Luke bellyaching about some pang he felt in his lower back three years ago.
Luke suggested they continue their game of "Top Ten" lists. Reid had refused to do Top Ten Foods, and insisted on subcategories. He couldn’t understand why Luke had such trouble with Top Ten Pickles. After listing three, the blond had refused to go further, insisting that he didn’t know any other pickles besides dill, bread & butter, and cornichons. Reid couldn't fathom anyone so pathetically versed in pickles. Then Luke had staunchly refused to believe that there was such a thing as Kool-Aid pickles, or "koolickles." Reid tried hard not to see this as a grave deficiency of character.
Beyond the briny setback, however, most of the food categories progressed smoothly, although Reid thought Luke’s choice of favorite ice cream, Rocky Road, was ridiculous. Who on earth chose Rocky Road as their absolute favorite? A sillier ice cream had never existed. And Reid was not at all impressed by Luke pointing at number 7 on Reid’s list, Rainbow Sherbet, as being at least equally stupid. You couldn’t even compare the two in Reid’s estimation. Rainbow Sherbet was fantastic and refreshing, while Rocky Road was something Weird Al sang about.
The fact that Luke had never heard of Weird Al Yankovic was not worth comment. Reid suspected that it would not reflect well upon his more advanced years.
The ease with which Reid was able to talk to Luke amazed the doctor. While they were eating their lunch-cold tomato soup and more granola bars-Reid had time to reflect upon that astonishing finding. Luke seemed to "get" Reid to an almost disturbing degree. When it became evident that there was no way Nathan would be able to return that day--assuming he had made it to Oakdale--Luke picked up again on Reid's unease. Luke seemed to be worried, too, but Reid thought it a stretch that the younger man would fret so much over Nathan. Still, Reid couldn't figure out what else the spoiled blond would have to be concerned about otherwise. Surely Henry or that crazed barn-worker Andy would take care of the horses.
Reid reluctantly had to admit that Luke had made good on his effort to keep Reid distracted. Even if nothing had ever happened between him and Luke, it would have been surprising to discover someone with whom he felt so comfortable in conversation. He could admit that he actually enjoyed these debates with Luke. Even the little tidbits of Luke’s life that the blond had shared, Reid had found interesting. When people talked about their mundane lives, Reid's brain generally wandered, but he had no trouble focusing on Luke. The blond had lived on a farm growing up and had been expected to do chores, which perhaps explained why he seemed so down-to-earth. It was unfortunate that he’d been influenced by Damian as well. Reid wondered if the exposure to the opulent lifestyle of Damian Grimaldi had been too alluring and addicting for the naïve farmboy? Perhaps the comforts of Damian's plush lifestyle were too cozy for Luke to resist. Reid had to admit that Luke had appeared to fit in effortlessly into Damian's lifestyle. At the party in New York, Luke gleamed vividly above the other guests like a brilliant star. Back then, it had never occurred to Reid that Luke would cling to the avaricious world Damian offered.
Although Reid had noticed that Luke never once brought Damian up in any conversation. Between his notable absence in the discussion and the fact that Damian now seemed missing from Luke’s life, Reid had to wonder if the two had had some sort of falling out. He wondered if this made Luke lonely. All the fancy events and parties Luke likely attended, however, probably lessened any such desolate feelings.
Reid had been so lonesome for the past two years that it was particularly strange for it to lessen in the presence of the man responsible for much of the solitude. Since Reid had left Boston to move to New York, there hadn’t been anyone to drag him away from work. Making friends was difficult for Reid. He didn't set out to piss people off, well not all people, but usually the reaction to him was negative. For the most part, that didn't bother Reid. Hostile relationships were generally predictable, and he didn't have to worry about hurt feelings because no one had any expectations. He had had some friends over the years who had at some point gotten frustrated with Reid because they had expected something from him that he didn't quite understand. He felt like they were talking in one language and he another. Loneliness was a state he'd grown at ease with over time. To be honest, he was comfortable with who he was and if other people didn't like it, then Reid wasn't going to worry about it. Nathan, for some strange reason, seemed to stick to him no matter what.
As much as Nathan could drive him crazy, however, having at least one friend who accepted him wholeheartedly was a source of comfort. He had a few acquaintances back in Boston with whom he also got along, but he was generally too busy to want to develop those relationships into real friendships. Besides, Reid wouldn't have expected them to last anyway.
Then Reid had had to move to New York and he was alone. The only upside he'd seen prior to the move was being farther from Angus. His uncle and he hadn't spoken since Reid enrolled in college, but Reid somehow felt like he could sense Angus's presence in Boston. When Reid let himself think about it--which he rarely did-- it made him feel a little forlorn that he was estranged from his only living relative. Then when he moved away to New York, paradoxically, Reid felt even more alone without the specter of his uncle around. Reid could never wrap his brain around that one.
That Luke had been the unwitting catalyst of the two years Reid had spent in relative isolation and was now proving to be the first person in years with whom he'd felt relaxed other than Nathan was profoundly bizarre. Reid couldn't reconcile the two images he had in his mind of Luke: the first being the scheming fraud and the second being this witty and open guy. More and more, Reid found himself wishing that the liar might be gone for good. It was an oddly familiar feeling, one that he'd felt too often with his mother. Intellectually, he knew that not all people were as dependably unreliable as his mother, but he wasn't about to wager that Luke was a completely changed man either. As much as Reid might wish for Luke to be the guy he'd believed in years ago, the doctor was wary of getting bitten twice by the same snake.
So, here Reid was, sitting in front of a fire and on a sofa with the last man he thought he'd ever feel comfortable around again, exchanging barbs and jokes. Reid wasn't entirely sure how far down the rabbit's hole he'd fallen, but he was pretty sure that he was just around the corner from drinking tea with the Mad Hatter. He was sure he'd wake up and find himself in his own bed any moment.
"I fail to see how you can have Carl Lewis's last gold medal ahead of Michael Phelps winning eight gold medals in Beijing," Reid argued, pointing his finger accusatorily at Luke.
"That's on my list, too," Luke said in his defense, and continued, "But I think it's more impressive that a track and field athlete at the age of 35 was able to win gold in an event for the fourth time in a row. The kind of dominance Lewis had in such a physically-punishing sport was nothing short of amazing."
It was a fair point. Track-and-field was grueling on the athletes' bodies. "Hmmm, I may have to give you that one. So, what's your 'Top Olympic Moment' if it isn't Carl Lewis?" Reid asked, looking down at his own list that had Michael Phelps' victory at number one.
"When Derek Redmond injured himself in the 400-meter semi-final in Barcelona and his father came out onto the field to help him complete the lap."
"Wait, your favorite moment involves a guy who didn't even compete in the finals?" Reid asked incredulously.
"Oh, come off it, Reid. Who wasn't moved by that? The guy gets around the first bend looking great, and then suddenly he stops, grabs his leg and crouches down. Everyone thinks he's finished, but he gets up and starts trying to hobble on one leg to the finish line. With about 100 meters to go, his dad comes flying up to tell him he could stop. That would have been sad enough, but when Redmond feels his dad's arm around him, for a moment he buries his head in his dad's neck, from grief or gratitude or who-knows, and they say something to each other. Redmond wants to finish and his dad decides in an instant that that's exactly what they'll do. They go all the way to that finish line together with Redmond sobbing and his dad swatting away officials trying to make them quit."
Reid put his hands up in surrender. "Okay, okay. I remember it. I'll admit it was quite a moment. But why Redmond over Kerri Strug winning gold for the U.S. in gymnastics on an injured ankle? I'd think she'd be your idol right about now," Reid said, gesturing at Luke ankle.
Luke furrowed his brow in thought, and Reid tried to ignore how adorable the expression was. Finally, the younger man said, "I don't know. I guess because there was something moving about the fact that there wasn't a gold medal or any sort of reward on the line. He just wanted to do what he came there to do: Finish the race."
It was a good answer. For what felt like the hundredth time today but was surely a number much smaller, Reid felt at a loss about what made Luke tick. The blond admired people who do things for no reward? It seemed so far-fetched and yet Luke looked sincere. Wasn't reward precisely what had motivated Luke two years ago? Maybe Luke just didn't see the hypocrisy of it all.
Luke continued, "And it's because dads are supposed to help you to the finish lines in life."
Another sucker punch to Reid's gut. Reid didn't have a lot of memories of his own father. When he was very young, his dad, Brian, had come in and out of Reid's life while trying to make things work with his mom, Andrea. Andrea had told Reid that she'd thrown Brian out for cheating, which was what Reid had believed up until she died. She spent Reid's childhood blaming Brian for all their problems, and Reid initially believed her, though as he got older, he could see that many of their problems had nothing to do with his father. However, when she became sick, she finally admitted that Brian had walked out on her because he couldn't deal with her cheating. Once she died, Brian showed up oblivious to the sort of childhood Reid had had, having thought Andrea a competent mother.
After finding out the truth about Andrea, Reid's father died in a car wreck within two weeks of getting custody of his son. Reid never really got the chance to know him, but he did know that his father had not been there for him as a child. Reid almost couldn't fathom the idea of a father helping a son to the finish line. If it hadn't been for the influence of Nathan's parents, Reid doubted he would have any idea of what that looked like.
Luke shivered, bringing Reid back to the present. It was apparent to Reid that Luke was freezing despite the fire. The blaze had provided enough warmth for a while, but after lunch the temperature both inside and outside seemed to drop rapidly. Earlier, Reid had brought blankets from the bedroom to pile on top of Luke on the sofa, but they didn’t seem to be effective anymore.
Someone being a little cold wouldn’t normally worry Reid, but he knew that Luke’s immune system wasn’t precisely a well-oiled machine. Stress and cold could affect it. Reid could only imagine what Henry Coleman would believe and do if Reid brought Luke home with a compromised kidney.
"Luke, you’re too cold."
"No, I’m okay," Luke countered.
Reid rolled his eyes. "I can feel you shivering through the cushions. We’re going to have to get you closer to the fire and keep you warm on all sides."
"Meaning?"
"I’m going to hold you in front of the fire."
"That sounds like a threat," Luke replied.
Huffing, Reid said, "Look, I'm a doctor and you need to take your health seriously."
"So you're offering this out of some sort of professional duty?" Luke asked incredulously.
"Yes, what else would it be?" Reid said defensively. He certainly didn't want to admit to feeling a certain amount of personal worry.
"Just checking. I thought there might be a heart ticking in there," he said with a grin, taking the sting out of the comment. He paused, then said, "Before we do whatever you've got planned, I need to take some pills."
While Luke hobbled to the kitchen, Reid pulled the armchair in front of the fire so that he could lean against it. Unfortunately, it wasn’t big enough to hold both of them, and Reid wasn’t confident that Luke would be able to sit on his lap indefinitely anyway. Sitting between his legs on the floor seemed like a better decision on multiple levels.
Luke, made clumsy by his injury and the darkness in the kitchen, knocked over a bottle of his pills and spilled them across the counter and onto the floor. When Reid heard the sound, he walked over to help him clean up the mess.
"Why are some of these halved?" Reid asked, noticing that several of the pills he retrieved were cut in two.
Luke blushed and stammered, "Oh, I just have a hard time swallowing sometimes."
Reid didn't think the pills looked that big. "I'd hate to see what you do to a 1000-milligram pill. Do your servants sprinkle it into your foie gras?" Before Luke could reply, Reid spotted a pill lodged between the dishwasher and a cabinet. "Ha, got it!" he crowed.
"Thanks," Luke said, taking the pill from Reid's palm. Reid's fingers twitched up briefly to feel Luke's hand. Reid held his breath from embarrassment--he hadn't meant to do that, had he? Surprise and heat registered in Luke's brown eyes but he didn't remark upon Reid's action.
They walked back to the living room and settled back in front of the fire, on the rug, with Luke between Reid's legs and Luke's ankle propped on a pillow. Reid could feel every inch of Luke's back against his own torso and chest, and he realized this could be a very long afternoon and night.
Reid, shifting his weight against the base of the chair he leaned against, asked, "I know I probably shouldn't say anything, but how did you end up with that kidney transplant?" It seemed like a young age for a kid with no apparent hereditary or congenital issues.
Silence was the answer he received, and Reid thought Luke wasn't going to say anything. He could feel the tension in Luke's back and Reid resisted the urge to squeeze his arms around Luke for comfort. Just as he was about to tell Luke to forget the question, he was startled by the sound of Luke's low voice. If Reid's face hadn't been so close to Luke's, he was not even sure he would have been able to hear the other man.
Luke sounded forlorn as he explained, "I was really unhappy as a fifteen-year-old. My parents never had a stable relationship. A lot of my memories of my dad, Holden, involve him not even remembering me because he had amnesia. But leading up to the year of my transplant, first my dad cheated, and then my parents agreed to divorce, an idea that I hated. Then mom started dating the brother of the woman my dad had been seeing. That part is really complicated. While this was going on, I started drinking and my parents were too busy to notice. Then I ended up in Mexico and got an infection in my kidney. By the time my parents found me, I needed the transplant. In the midst of all this, I was a teenager who was scared to death of telling anyone he was gay. I was dumb--other people probably would have handled it better than me."
"It seems like you handle it now pretty well," Reid commented. He was surprised how hard Luke was on himself about this. Luke had been little more than a kid when all this had happened.
Luke shrugged. "I grew up. Back then, though, I continued drinking even after the transplant. What an idiot I was."
"You were young, and it sounds like you didn't have much support. Parents cheating on each other and not paying attention to you can have pretty harsh effects on a child," Reid reflected.
Luke seemed to want to lighten the mood, and asked, "Is that some pop psychology, Doctor?" The blond couldn't quite pull off a jovial tone, and it didn't fool Reid.
Reid snorted. "No, in this case, I can speak from experience."
"Oh?" Luke asked curiously, returning to his serious demeanor.
Reid sighed and supposed it couldn't hurt to mention a little bit about his past. "Yeah, my parents weren't great. Mom couldn't stay faithful to save her life. But that's all I'm going to say about it. I don't like dredging up old history, and I certainly don't see a point in talking about it."
Luke turned his head to look at Reid and said, "Sometimes finding out someone else went through something similar can make you feel better."
"I think you've already said that to me." Luke smiled in return, and Reid was struck again by just how nice Luke seemed. At this close range, Reid could see the gold flecks in Luke's eyes shimmer in the firelight, and no matter how hard the doctor looked, he couldn't see a trace of guile in those brown pools.
Finally, Reid asked the question that had haunted him for over two years. With Luke lying between his arms, warm and relaxed, Reid was sure he would be able to tell if the blond was lying in his response. Without over-thinking it, Reid asked, "Did you have that guy attack me so that you could look like a hero?" He watched Luke intently for any sign of deception.
The answer was and wasn’t what Reid expected.
Surprise followed by dismay passed over Luke’s expressive face. "God, no!" But before Reid could make a comment, Luke had put his hand on Reid’s arm. His face the perfect illustration of self-recrimination, Luke continued, "I could see how you would think that of me. Everything else about me must have seemed so fake back then, but I promise Reid that the only lies were about Julian and Grimaldi. And while it may seem like I’d set out to hurt you in every way that I could, I would never do something like that."
Cautiously, Reid looked at Luke's strained face and then down at the hand that was squeezing his bicep. He closed his eyes and wished he had never asked the question. Life was simpler when Luke was evil incarnate. But now, he was left with the choice he dodged last night: Believe Luke and possibly have his heart broken, or don’t believe him and potentially be wrong. It seemed stupid to believe him, but every instinct in Reid’s body was screaming that Luke was being honest. And if that were true, what did that make Damian Grimaldi? Had Damian just made some bad assumptions? Or did Damian have some sort of private agenda that night? And why would Damian even feel the need to throw in that information about Luke paying Tom to attack him when it was clearly damaging enough that Luke was using Reid to make Julian jealous? Kicks? Extra insurance?
When Reid didn’t respond immediately, Luke said quietly, "It must have been awful for you to think that guy might rape you. I can’t even imagine. I was kidnapped by my uncle when I was a child and taken to Malta, but I had my dad, Holden, with me, so I never really felt alone. It must have been terrible for you to think you were the only one who could fight off that guy."
It took a moment for Reid's brain to assimilate the information Luke had just divulged. Thoughts of Damian were instantly forgotten. "Wait, you were kidnapped?" he asked, his arms tightening unconsciously around the younger man.
"Yeah, when I was eight, my uncle kidnapped my dad and me and tried to get his hands on my inheritance."
"Were you hurt?" Reid asked, horror-struck by this story. This was not the sunny past Reid had pictured for Luke.
"Not much. I got this cut on my wrist when the men first grabbed me and I struggled." Luke extended his left arm and presented the inside of his wrist for Reid to see. There was about a two-inch, angry scar running diagonally across the skin.
"God, you could have bled to death if this was positioned just a little differently." Without realizing it, Reid took Luke's hand in his and gently ran a fingertip across the length of healed wound. Reid was stunned. The idea of an eight-year-old being kidnapped, injured, and surviving the ordeal with any shred of normalcy was shocking. Reid could imagine how terrifying the ordeal would have been.
"But it wasn't," Luke said, swallowing.
They stared at each other for many uncounted seconds when something struck Reid. "Whatever happened to me in the garden really doesn't compare to you getting kidnapped. I mean, I was frightened for less than a minute. He didn't leave a mark on me. And I was a grown man."
Luke gave Reid a tremulous smile. "I'm glad he didn't. And I don't mean to compare what happened; it's just that I get what it's like to feel trapped."
Reid supposed this was true. If Reid were honest, he knew that he had a much better idea of what being trapped felt like, too. Of course, Reid had been about four years old when he'd learned that lesson. He still remembered those days clearly.
"Reid, it won't be so bad. I've left plenty of food, and I'll be back tomorrow," his mom had said, petting Reid on his head.
"But Mommy, I don't want to stay by myself."
"Don't be silly. You've done it before." She threw some more silk nightgowns in her suitcase.
"And I don't like it."
"Just be Mommy's Big Boy, and I'll be back before you know it. And I promise, I'll come back with plenty of gifts."
Reid wasn't impressed. She'd made those promises before and not brought so much as a doughnut for him. And most gifts she did buy, she'd return in a week to scrape together more money anyway.
"Just promise me that you'll be back," Reid pleaded, realizing that he couldn't talk her out of leaving him.
Andrea smiled broadly. "I will, honey. And I'll lock you in, and you'll be safe and sound."
But she didn't come back for days. And the "food" she had left in their apartment were cans of soup that he couldn't open because he couldn't work a can opener. For four days, Reid had struggled to scrounge on some cereal and canned fruit that opened with a pop lid.
Reid watched cartoons and read some of his mom's magazines, Cosmo's and Redbooks, but he was increasingly nervous about his mom's whereabouts. She had promised she'd be back, so where was she? He tried to distract himself by reading an old encyclopedia volume that a former resident had left in the apartment. It covered topics between letters "L" and "N." He didn't always understand it, but he found learning about things like "lizards" and "neurons" much more interesting than the women's fitness tips he found in Redbook. What he read about it Cosmo seemed plain gross and Reid couldn't figure out why any adult would want to do those things..
On day three, he'd eaten through everything he could and tried to open the cans of soup again. He managed to get one open, but then had to figure out how to heat it. He put the liquid in a bowl like he had seen his mother do and put it in the microwave. He must have pressed the wrong buttons, however, because he burnt his fingers badly when he pulled the bowl out.
Once it cooled, the soup was fine, but it was his only meal for over a day. He tried banging on the front door, but none of his neighbors heard him. He was trapped in the small apartment with no food and no way out. When his mom came back late the fourth night, she found Reid curled up in a ball on his bed, shaking from his panic. She started crying when she realized Reid hadn't known how to open the soup cans. She cried and cried, begging Reid's forgiveness, and promising never to leave again.
Reid, like an idiot, believed her.
He had never shared that story with anyone and wasn't about to now. By the time he met Nathan, he was used to being on his own in the apartment. It was still frightening, but his mom, thankfully, had left enough food after that one time. Reid was scared that if anyone found out, he'd be taken away from his mother. In retrospect, Reid realized that being removed from his mother might have been for the best, but as a little boy, he'd loved his mother despite everything.
Hearing about Luke's kidnapping made Reid realize that Luke might very well understand the feeling of being trapped and alone. Finally, he traced a finger down Luke's jaw and said gently, "It's okay if you want to compare experiences. From what you and Nathan tell me, that's how people relate to each other."
Reid could feel Luke's breath catch in his chest for a moment before the normal rise and fall returned. In the space of that moment, something warm and sensual had sparked behind Luke's eyes. He flicked a glance to Reid's lips, and closed his eyes, seeming to settle upon some new course of action. Turning away from Reid's stare, Luke faced the fire again and leaned back into Reid. Reid was confounded by his own disappointment. Never had he felt such frustration from the want of a kiss.