Big Bang Fic: Last Stop: Chicagoland | Part 3 | Jensen/Jared | Adult
Last Stop: Chicagoland, Part 3
They don't get to talk that night because Charlie is up with a stomach ache like Jensen knew she would be, and Jensen almost feels relieved about it. They talked enough for today, it's been a crazy day and he doesn't have this shit planned out. He didn't know he wanted to come out until he said it, or maybe he did, maybe he's known forever because this closet stuff sucks, as little as he even bothers, but he wasn't consciously planning it or whatever.
He wasn't consciously planning it, but now that he's doing the film (and fuck, is that strange to thing about, because he wasn't letting himself, but now he can, and yeah), he knows he can't go back to the way things were. Before Charlie, when they were still doing the show and it was all sneaking around and hiding and shit. Jared wouldn't tell his parents, didn't want to tell them at all but then Anne was officially pregnant and Jensen just said, "It's time, you have to or they'll never forgive you."
Jensen can't go back. He thinks about it while he's coaxing Charlie into drinking more ginger ale and rubbing her back in slow circles. Jared and Lizzie are asleep on the other bed, which would really piss Jensen off if it wasn't so ridiculously adorable. Jared shouldn't get to look that peaceful and, really, fucking sweet as hell with Lizzie starfished across his chest, not when it's his fault Charlie is sick in the first place.
"Daddy," Charlie whispers, takes a small sip of her ginger ale. "Daddy, I don't think I like McDonald's."
"That's because it's nasty and bad for you and it kills rainforests, baby," Jensen says.
"For real?"
"Yup. And it makes you sick." Sometimes Jensen wonders if he should feel guilty for telling his kids about shit like that. About rainforest depletion and why they're not allowed to have Barbie dolls or shop at the Gap, ever, even though Jared sometimes sneaks them in anyway because he's a sucker for cute little girl clothes that are way too expensive and made in sweatshops. So sometimes Jensen thinks about what they're telling their kids, but mostly he's just against lying to them, and sometimes there's not a kid-friendly way of saying, "Because Barbie is proportioned like an anorexic stripper." Also, the tiny little shoes and rings and shit get stuck in the carpet and hurt like a bitch when Jensen accidentally steps on them. Which is also why they don't have a Lite Brite, but he doesn't tell them that.
He tucks Charlie into bed and lies down on top of the covers next to her, waits for her to fall asleep against him before he gets up. He shakes Jared by the shoulder and they shuffle quietly into the hall, leaving the door open just a little because Charlie is still afraid of the dark even with the night-light on. Jensen sort of thinks Jared will say something once they're alone, but he just pulls Jensen onto the bed and they have slow, sleepy sex, Jared spooned up behind him, one long leg thrown over both of Jensen's. It's deep this way and almost perfect, but Jensen wants to see Jared, wants to touch him at least and he can't like this, not really. But it's good still and Jared whispers stupid sex things in Jensen's ear when he comes, god and jenny and love.
Jared falls asleep again after, but it's okay, Jensen thinks. It'll be okay.
*
This whole situation is a lot more fucked up than it needs to be, Jared thinks, and he knows he's making it harder on everyone and Jensen doesn't understand why, so he just keeps looking at Jared like. Like Jared just spoiled him for the end of Harry Potter, which he's been waiting to read until the girls are old enough, or. Or something, something really mean. Jared's no good at metaphors, he sucks at them like a giant sucking… thing that sucks (he fails at similes, too), but he knows when he's hurting Jensen, and he hates it.
He doesn't want to hurt Jensen, it's not like he's trying on purpose, but the thing about Jared is, well. He's not gay. He just isn't, and so this whole coming out thing is just as much a lie as anything else.
He's not gay. Bi, maybe, except even then, the only guy he's ever really wanted is Jensen. Jared fucked a lot of girls before Jensen, and a couple in the beginning, too, before they got serious. Jared likes women. He loves them, and sometimes he really misses them, but mostly he only ever wants Jensen now. It's just the way things are and Jared really doesn't feel like he needs to analyze the whole thing. The thing with Jensen happened and it's the most perfect thing in his life. Or, it's not, because, like, it's not easy and sometimes Jensen's a total bitch and neurotic and Jared doesn't even want to be around him, but mostly it's good. It's the best thing in Jared's life-Jensen and the girls-even if it's not exactly perfect, so he doesn't question it.
It's Chad's last free day in town so they meet at the Army Surplus store on Belmont that Chad loves because of all the old army crap-bags with Korean writing all over them, and those weird collapsible shovels marines use to dig trenches and latrines in the field. Chad has a collection of pins and medals and shit that he's bought off old war widows and sometimes at the surplus store, too. He has a Purple Heart. Jared thinks the whole thing is kind of gross and exploitative, but he never says anything because Chad would just laugh and tell him that Jensen's turning him soft. Still, making a collection out of the pain and suffering of guys who got, like, their legs blown off by car bombs in Iraq is pretty fucked up. Chad's a fucked up guy.
They've never really talked about the whole Jensen-gay thing before-like, sat down and had a heart-to-heart, what does it all mean kind of thing-because they're guys and they just don't need to talk about shit like that. It's just understood. Jared doesn't make fun of Chad for being an asshole incapable of maintaining a relationship and Chad doesn't question what Jared has with Jensen and the girls, aside from the occasional ass-fucking, cock-sucking jokes that were pretty much inevitable. Chad knows, though-he gets it. He's Charlie's godfather and he's good to her, too-her and Lizzie. Jared never thought he'd look at Chad and think he'd make a good dad, but he really would, maybe. He's an asshole and a fuck up, but he loves Charlie and he's just. He's a good friend. He's still Jared's best friend, after Jensen.
He finds Chad inside, surveying the rows of pumas and Docs, eyeing a pair of silver boots that Jared thinks must be a joke and Chad thinks are "totally fabulous, man." Jared is never surprised by the fact that Chad is ten times gayer than he is, despite Jared actually having gay sex on a regular basis. Chad is Chad, he tends to have the taste of a cheap hooker and he wears the clothes without even a tiny bit of irony.
"So the thing is," Jared starts, pauses to lick his lips and rifle through the racks of pre-distressed jeans. "It's. Uh. I just don't know, you know?"
"Uh, no, I don't. I have no fucking clue what you're talking about because, you know, you haven't actually said anything yet, dickwad. Oooh, collars!"
They drift over to the jewelry display case, which is mostly leather and faux-leather collars, studded bracelet cuffs, and for some reason, hair dye. Jared's not sure why the Army Surplus people think the hair dye needs to be protected, but whatever. It's Boystown; Jared wouldn't be surprised if magenta Manic Panic was the most stolen product in the store.
"It's just. Jensen got an offer. For, like, a really good role. But he's all. He only wants to do it if we can come out and be open and shit."
Chad laughs. "Bitch wants you to make an honest woman out of him. That's fucking great, dude."
Jared frowns. Of course Chad thinks this is hilarious. Jared's not sure what reaction he expected from Chad, but he sort of thought, well. He thought Chad would understand and be supportive and tell Jared what to do, which was clearly delusional thinking on his part. Obviously, Jared's an idiot. He needs to stop doing his own stunts, maybe. He's gotten too many concussions and it's clearly caused brain damage when he starts expecting Chad to help things make sense. Chad is still laughing at him. Jared sort of hates him, and also, he takes back all that nice stuff about Chad being a good godfather and friend. He's not. He sucks. Clearly.
"Shut up," Jared mutters. "It's not funny, okay? He wants, like. He wants us to come out. Formally, or whatever. Like an interview with The Advocate or something, and it's fucking ridiculous. I'm not even gay."
Chad snorts, loudly, and the fucker is still laughing at him. "You're doing a really good job of faking it, J."
"I'm not. I mean, look. I'm maybe bi. But I haven't. It's only ever been Jensen, I never really wanted any other guys, so."
"Not even me?" Chad grins. "Dude, I'm fucking insulted! I'm a good-looking guy and I have a fantastic body and great fashion sense. Even Pete Wentz thinks so. I refuse to believe you've never considered tapping this."
"I'm pretty sure 'this' has about ten VDs and I know for a fact that herpes does not have a cure." Jared makes a face. He really hasn't thought about it. Chad is Chad, he's not a sexual person in Jared's mind. The one time Jared walked in on Chad fucking some chick back when they were filming House of Wax pretty much traumatized Jared for life. He's just thankful the chick wasn't Paris Hilton. Now that? That probably would've made him full-on, one hundred percent gay for life.
"Aw, come on, baby," Chad says, grinning and shaking his hips a little, "it's just a little cold sore!"
"Gross. Fucker. Can we please stay on topic?"
"Which is what? So, like, you're maybe not all-the-way gay, but you're gay enough. You're with Jensen, you have kids. That's pretty fucking gay, dude."
"I guess."
"Believe me, it is. You're pretty gay. And, you know, you don't have to make some big declaration about who you like to fuck. You can just be, 'I love Jensen, we're in love,' and let people assume whatever shit they want from there."
"Huh." Jared stared at the t-shirts without really seeing them, fingers a red one with the words 'Porn Star' written in glittery silver across the chest. Jensen might like it, but then again, explaining it to the girls would be a really interesting thing Jared's not ready for yet. "That's um. That's actually kind of good."
"Because I'm a fucking genius, dude. I think you probably owe me a beer now. And can we never talk about your feelings again, please?"
"Fucker," Jared says and punches Chad in the arm.
"You wish, gay boy. Now come on. I want to try on those silver boots."
*
Jared's still not really sure about this whole coming out thing because he really isn't gay, but mostly he's afraid of what it'll do to his career. And okay, it's not like he's playing leading man type roles anymore. It's the twenty-first century, it's the second decade of the twenty-first century, and lots of actors have survived coming out. Some have even managed to keep playing straight guys. So it doesn't have to mean the end of anything, but that doesn't really make Jared feel any better about the whole thing.
Then he reads the script Jensen leaves for him on the kitchen table the next morning. Jensen's at yoga, the girls are at the co-op daycare thing with the lesbians and the one straight guy who lives in the next building over, a middle-aged divorced guy with a seven-year-old son and an ex-wife who used to be someone famous, but now does infomercials for drug money. Jensen leaves the script for him and Jared reads it while he's drinking his coffee and picking at the all-organic, vitamin-enriched bran muffin Jensen left for him.
He finishes off the pot of coffee while he's reading and only notices that Jensen is back when he presses a warm kiss on the back of Jared's neck. Jared sets the script aside and turns in his chair, wraps an arm around Jensen's waist and pulls him down onto his lap. Jensen smells like sweat and sun, sweet, and Jared smiles against his neck, pushes a hand up under Jensen's t-shirt to press his palm against the slick heat of Jensen's back.
"Don't," Jensen says, laughing. "Jared, I'm fucking gross. You don't wanna touch me right now, seriously."
"Seriously, I really do," Jared says, and licks Jensen's neck. Jensen shivers in his arms and Jared thinks, this is the best part. This is the part he loves, just little shit like this. The little everyday shit.
"The girls'll be back soon," Jensen says. "I really-" He breaks off with a low moan, probably because Jared shoves his hand down the front of his shorts and wraps his fingers around Jensen's dick.
"Shhh," Jared says, jacking him fast and a little rough, just the way Jensen likes it. Jared loves it like this, loves seeing the way Jensen's face goes soft and his mouth falls open just a little, like he can't really control it anymore. "Come on, baby," Jared says, rubbing the thumb of his free hand along Jensen's bottom lip, pushing it inside his mouth just a little. "Wanna see you come."
Jensen sucks his thumb in with a little whimpering moan that makes Jared wish they had a lot more time, grabs at Jared's wrist and makes him move faster, harder. His hips stutter, press up just so, and Jared knows he's close to coming, pulls his thumb away to bite at Jensen's lip, licks his way into Jensen's mouth and sucks at his tongue until he feels warmth rush over his fingers and wrist. Sometimes Jared likes it like this best, fast and nasty and sweaty and perfect. He always likes making Jensen come.
"God," Jensen says, still shivering a little. He laughs. "Now I'm really gross."
"I like you this way," Jared says, and licks his neck.
Jensen's eyes flick to the script lying open on the kitchen table, to Jared's empty coffee cup. "Oh. Hey. You found it." He sounds nervous, shifts a little on Jared's lap like he wants to get up, but Jared tightens his arms. "Did you. Um. You read it?"
"I, yeah. Mostly. And it's." Jared looks at him, looks away. "I still don't know about everything else. The, all the stuff you said, before. But you were right about the film. You have to do it, Jen. It's. You have to."
"Jared, man. We'll figure it out, okay?"
"Yeah, I know." Jared grins. "Now get off me, fucker. You stink."
*
A week goes by and they don't really talk about it at all. Jensen talks to his agent and tries to make plans, tries to think about where he's going to live during shooting. He could stay with Chris, he thinks, but he doesn't really want to. He doesn't want to be away from the girls for weeks at a time. Jared's used to it, maybe. Jared has always been okay with that, but Jensen wants them with him and he doesn't know how that's going to work.
They need to talk, clearly they need to have a discussion because Jensen starts filming in a month and it has to be settled by then, but every time he tries, Jared distracts him. Usually with sex, so Jensen doesn't really feel the overwhelming urge to make him talk, but it has to happen. Soon. Ish.
Anne comes over that Saturday to take the girls downtown to do girly stuff, go to high tea at the Drake and go shopping and shit. The girls know that Anne isn't their mother, that she just carried them and birthed them and things, but they love her and she's a good person, a fantastic person, really, so Jensen tries not to be jealous of the time they spend with her. She did them a huge favor, having the girls, and they're always going to be grateful. She's family, she'll always be in their lives.
The girls haven't asked who their real mothers are yet, and Jensen's not really sure what they're going to say when the inevitable questions start. He doesn't really want to tell them the truth, that their mothers were probably really poor college girl lab rats who offered up the contents of their ovaries to pay for their college degrees. He and Jared chose the egg donors based on SAT scores and personality profiles. They never knew what the donors looked like and they paid a small fortune to make sure that everything was done anonymously, so that ten years from now, no one would come looking for the girls, trying to claim them.
When people ask Charlie who her mother is, she always frowns a little, confused, and says Jensen. Jared thinks it's hilarious, but Jensen knows it's only because Jared works so much and Jensen is there, Jensen's the caretaker. He doesn't want to tell Charlie anything different, doesn't want to reinforce negative gender stereotypes or make her think that being a mother is somehow less than being a dad, but later he gets Jared back, teases him until he begs to be fucked. Sometimes Jensen thinks Jared does it on purpose now, but he doesn't say anything about that either. The sex is pretty amazing, that's never been their problem.
So Anne takes the girls for the day and Jared and Jensen decide to go out. They take the train to Wicker Park and spend the day trolling the crammed shelves and tables of Myopic Books. It's one of the few bookstores Jensen is willing to go into. Borders is so bright and the coffee costs enough to feed ten starving Africans for a year. Jensen doesn't want to contribute to that so it's always places like Myopic with its dusty shelves and weird musty smell and random cats lounging between the shelves, blocking the aisles.
It maybe smells strange here, but the clerks actually read books on occasion and usually know where to find things and what to recommend. A girl with a blue mohawk and about ten facial piercings helps Jensen find a few things for the girls. Jared has wandered off so Jensen finds the Ws, picks up Jeanette Winterson's latest novel and sits on one of the low wooden stools not currently being occupied by a cat to read until Jared finds him. Jared's getting three sports history books, pretty typical and boring, and makes fun of Jensen for being such a feminist. "For a guy who doesn't want to fuck women, you sure love them a lot," he says, grinning.
"Fuck you," Jensen says. "We have daughters, remember? I just like to, you know, to be on top of this shit and know what it's going to be like for them."
They get home before Anne and order in Thai food, eat it sitting on the living room floor watching South Park reruns because they can't when the girls are around, not even when the girls are sleeping because it's one thing for them to walk in on Doctor Who, but South Park is sort of in its own league of inappropriateness. Jensen thinks this is probably as good a time as any to talk.
"Jared. We-I talked to my agent yesterday and I need to make a decision about LA. We need to make a decision."
Jared frowns and jabs his chopsticks into his carton of noodles, pushes them around a little. "About LA. I don't. What do you mean, exactly? I thought you'd just, you'd come back on the weekends like I did. I can take care of the girls. You know that."
"No, I know. I just." Jensen sighs, rubs at his forehead. He's getting a headache. "I don't want to do that. Jared, we talked about this. I still want to come out. I want the girls with me. I want you with me."
"I thought." Jared stops, sets his carton on the coffee table in front of him and stares at the television. "I just need more time, I guess. It's not like this is some easy decision, Jensen. It's sort of a big deal, okay?"
"Yeah, it is a big deal." Jensen tries not to feel angry, because it's not Jared's fault and he knows Jared's just scared. He reaches over and grabs Jared's hand, squeezes it maybe a little too hard. "It's not, you know this isn't just about us, okay? It's about the girls. What are we going to tell them when they're old enough to understand the shit people say? Because I know you're not, um, you're not ashamed-"
"I'm not. Jensen, I'm not."
"No, I know. But that's what people are gonna think. And I don't give a shit about most of them, but the girls? I don't want them to think we're ashamed, ever."
"Yeah," Jared says, and rubs his fingers over Jensen's wrist. "Me neither. I just thought we'd have more time."
Jensen sighs and pokes at his food, looks at the television without really seeing anything. They haven't really decided anything, but they've maybe talked enough for today. Jensen feels tired, suddenly, just completely exhausted. He misses the girls.
*
Jared has to do some promo things, some red carpet things and he hates it but he goes because they tell him to and it's sort of his job. They set him up with a model, some girl who's probably still a teenager and smokes like a chimney, smells like it, too. She's gorgeous. She has dark hair and even darker eyes, looks like a live version of an anime character from one of those shows that involves school girls and gratuitous tentacle rape. Although really, Jared thinks, pretty much all tentacle rape is gratuitous.
Jared is not even slightly tempted.
And it's not like he hasn't been tempted before because he has, a lot. He loves Jensen but he misses women sometimes, misses their softness, their easiness. Jensen isn't easy except early in the mornings or very late at night after he's already gotten fucked. Hardly anything about Jensen is easy, but still. Jared isn't even tempted. Also, he's pretty sure the model is a lesbian.
So Jared's gone for three days to do the red carpet stuff, get his picture taken, be seen and do two red carpet interviews that will probably never get aired unless it's a really slow week and no one's going into rehab or accidentally flashing their vaginas because, really, Jared isn't that big. He's never been that big and this is all so pointless. He hates being away when it feels like they've finally settled into some sort of rhythm. It finally feels normal to see the girls every day, to wake up every morning with Jensen's face pressed into his neck. It's finally normal and he has to leave and he hates it.
He's gone for three days and then they have a day at home before Jensen has to leave, has to fly out to LA to read with people because they still haven't cast for the part of the lover. Jared doesn't even remember the lover's name at this point, but mostly he just. He hates this. He finally got used to the whole being at home thing and now it's getting all fucked up again. Lizzie cries for an entire day straight when Jensen leaves and Charlie won't talk, it's pretty fucked up, but they've never really been away from Jensen before. Jared's worried Lizzie will make herself sick but when he calls his mom, she just tells him to let her cry it out, she'll get past it eventually. Jared doesn't say anything. He doesn't tell her that he sort of feels like crying, too, because. It just, it sucks. He can't even think about what it's going to be like when Jensen starts filming and he's gone all the time. He's never been the one who gets left behind before.
So yeah, it totally sucks and it's not something he really feels like he wants to get used to again, this being apart shit. He tells his mom that, too, and she just laughs.
"JT, that's been your life for the last six years. Why's it so different now, baby?"
"It just is. He was never the one leaving before." Jared knows he sounds like a selfish bitch, but he doesn't care. If there's one person he can be a selfish bitch in front of, it's his mom.
She just laughs. "You'll get used to it."
But Jared misses Jensen. He's only gone for a week and it's terrible, it feels like the longest they've been apart in years even though Jared knows it's not nearly. The girls get used to it, the girls adapt so quickly and yeah, they ask about Jensen and talk to him every night on the phone before they go to bed, but Jared's not a kid and he can't just. He can't just adjust like that. He doesn't want to.
*
"Jared?" Jensen answers the phone, voice thick with sleep. He sounds exhausted, he thinks, even to himself. He is exhausted. It's been a long week and he's not used to working like this. Van Sant is insane, he's already crazy as hell and they haven't even started filming yet.
"Yeah. 'S me. What're you. You busy?"
"Sleeping. What's wrong? Girls okay?"
"Yeah, no. They're. They're fine. Perfect. Lizzie yelled 'motherfucker' at the grocery store today. At the, actually, the woman who was showing me where the good cereal is."
Jensen laughs, rubs at his eyes a little. "Oh, fuck. That's. God, that's hilarious."
"It was so fucking funny, dude. But, you know, I couldn't laugh because that would only encourage her. I had to be all stern and, and mean. All, 'Young lady!' and shit. I sounded like my mom, it was sick."
The room is dark and Jensen curls on his side, presses the phone to his ear. If he closes his eyes it's almost like Jared's there. He lets out a breath, grins to himself. "Jared," he says, his voice low and still rough with sleep. "What are you wearing?"
"The jeans I got from Diesel last year, you know, the ones with the hole in the knee that you always say I need to throw away? And um, a t-shirt. It's green and-oh. You mean."
"Yeah. I mean."
"Are you." Jared pauses, clears his throat a little. "Are you, like, touching yourself?"
"No, I'm baking a cake." Jensen rubs himself a little through his boxers, shivers when his dick twitches against his palm. "Yeah, I'm touching myself."
"Don't," Jared says. He sounds breathless, hot. Jensen smiles into the phone. "You should save it. For when you come home."
"Yeah?" Jensen stops rubbing, tucks his fingers between his knees. "You want me to wait, baby?"
"Yeah," Jared says, but now he sounds. Weird, sort of sad. Not breathless or hot at all, and Jensen thinks, they should talk, they should have a serious discussion or something, but then Jared says, "Wait for when you come home" and Jensen thinks, yeah, it can wait.
*
Jensen comes home on a Tuesday night, so that day Jared takes the girls to Whole Foods to find something to make for dinner. Something organic and hormone-free and healthy because it's Jensen and that's what he likes. Jared's a pretty good cook and he decides to make calzones because he can make one with meat and one without, and that way Jensen won't get so fixated on the whole indigestible factor and actually enjoy his food for once. It's a good plan, Jared thinks. He's learning to compromise through calzones.
The girls are fine, they know Jensen's coming home so they're on their best behavior and it's not until they're standing in the checkout lane waiting for what seems like a fucking eternity for the old woman in front of them to pay that it happens.
"Daddy," Charlie says, frowning and tugging on his hand. "Daddy, why are you kissing that lady?"
Jared starts to say something about how it's not nice to make things up about people, but then he looks at the magazine rack Charlie is pointing to and sees it in an inset on the front page of the RedEye. A picture of him and the model from a week ago-Giselle or Gretta, something that sounds like she should be a Von Trapp-and yeah, they're kissing. Well, not really. Giselle-Brigitte, whatever-is kissing him and he's looking bored and tired and whatever, but still. Jared doesn't even remember that. It's pretty fucked up.
"Daddy?" Charlie says. She sounds really upset, like she might start crying, which is, whoa, because Charlie is not a crier. "Are you splitting up? Mary Jo's daddy left and never came back and-"
"Hey, no, baby." Jared picks her up, settles her on his hip and lets her twine her arms around his neck. He rubs her back in slow circles, looks from Charlie to Lizzie, sitting calmly in the shopping cart seat, and back again. "We're not splitting up. Jensen's coming home tonight, okay? I promise. We love each other and we love you, and we're not splitting up. Sometimes people in magazines make things up, but they don't mean anything, okay?"
Charlie rubs at her eyes a little and nods, shifts on his hip. She doesn't cry. His girl is strong, she's so strong, she doesn't cry hardly ever and she doesn't cry now. "Okay," she says finally. Lizzie nods too, like she understands, but she's still really little and Jared knows she doesn't get it, not really.
He maybe finally does. He gets it, finally, and when Jensen gets in that night, after dinner, after they put the girls to bed, after he sucks Jensen off in the bathroom before he can even finish brushing his teeth and then fucks him again on the bed, legs up over Jared's shoulders because Jared wants to look at him, see him when he comes. After all that, he takes a deep breath, brushes his hand over Jensen's stomach, says, "Do you think we could get The Advocate?"
"Mmm. For what?"
"For our big gay coming out thing. Because I don't want to go with, like, People or Life & Style or whatever. That's just tacky. I want it to be, you know. Classy. I want to do it right."
Jensen just looks at him with this soft expression, not quite a smile, and brushes the hair back from Jared's forehead. "Yeah," he says. "Yeah, I think we can. We'll do it right."
*
Jensen talks to his agent and Cameron and Van Sant and they get him set up with a publicist, one of those older women of indeterminable age with a cigarette-gravel voice and gigantic glasses with little rhinestones set in the frames. She's like a throwback to the sixties but she's a total hardass and she knows fucking everyone. He meets her the next time he's in LA for read throughs and immediately falls in love.
Gladys calls him 'doll' and 'honey' and 'sweetheart' like he's some chick from a noir film or something, but she gets them an interview with The Advocate so Jensen figures she actually knows what she's doing. It's not a cover, but Jensen doesn't really want a cover. They don't want to make it a big deal. It's not a big deal, lots of people are gay and it's not a big deal, they just happen to be sort of famous, so people might care. Jensen doesn't really care what people think, but he wants to be honest. He doesn't want to hide and he cares about the girls, what they think and what people think of them. Charlie's starting school soon, so he kind of has to care.
The Advocate sends an actual journalist and photographer to the house. They want pictures, of course they do, and at first Jared maybe freaks out a little. "Jensen," he says, "I'm not. Do you really think we should let them take pictures of the girls?"
"I. Yeah, I do. Because pictures are going to get out eventually and I'd rather, you know. We can control it this way."
The interview, Jensen thinks, goes all right. The journalist is nice, a youngish sort of guy, very gay and very green, but not a pushover or anything. Jared and Jensen sit on the couch while the girls attack their coloring book with crayons on floor. Jared is nervous, sitting rigid and bouncing his knee incessantly until Jensen reaches over and squeezes it once, leaves his hand there. This is hard, it's hard to talk about something so private and pretend like it doesn't matter, but it's important, too. It'll be worth it, Jensen thinks.
The first couple questions are easy, about the film and Jensen's role, how he feels about playing James Dean and what it's like to start working again after so many years off. The photographer snaps pictures as they talk, of them and the girls and the house. The girls are good, quiet, except for when Lizzie interrupts them to demand that they look at their coloring. "I made the sky pink," she tells the interviewer. John, Jensen thinks his name is. "Pink is my favorite and Daddy says I can be Stephanie for Halloween."
"She means Stephanie from Lazytown," Jared explains. "If Lizzie had her way, everything would be pink."
Then come the hard questions-when did they have the girls, how did they get together, why did they hide it for so long. Jensen thinks they answer everything the way they wanted to, but he's not sure, it all seems like a big blur. Charlie gets tired of coloring and crawls onto his lap, falls asleep right there and of course the photographer is snapping pictures like crazy. This shit is golden, Jensen is sure. Domestic Bliss.
*
Partners for Life
Story by John Winters
Photographs by Amy LaMont
You might remember the show. Two brothers, saving people, hunting things, riding around in a pimped-out old Impala fondly nicknamed the Metallicar by the show's bevy of mostly-female fans. And above all, fighting the evil forces at work in a war that pitted demons against people. But what really made the show were the actors who played the brothers-two young, attractive guys who had more chemistry with each other than any of the young women who played their various romantic interests. And now we know why.
Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki, former co-stars of the erstwhile horror-drama television show Supernatural, are married with kids. And before you ask, I'm not being euphemistic and I'm not joking. Jensen and Jared have been secretly married for the past six years and they have two daughters, Lizzie, age 3 ¾, and Charlotte, who is turning five next month.
"We're not really married," Padalecki tells me in an off-hand way. He seems nervous and jittery, looking to Ackles just a little too often for his cues, as if they're back on set playing roles again. "It's not, you know, legal here. Illinois passed civil unions a few years ago, but, yeah. It's only recognized in a handful of states so we don't say we're married."
"We're partners," Ackles adds. "I think that's a better word for it anyway."
Ackles, who is set to star in an upcoming biopic about the secret gay life of James Dean tentatively titled Rebel Rebel, seems much more at ease with "the whole big gay thing" as he calls it, than his partner.
"I haven't really been hiding," Ackles explains. "We moved here before the girls were born and I haven't been working, so it just wasn't an issue. Our friends all know, and our families. I never thought it was anyone else's business."
So why come out now?
"It's this film," Padalecki says. "Jensen just said, you know, that it's not a big deal and we can be honest about our lives. Things aren't how they were when I started working. I was seventeen, you know, and guys like Rupert Everett, really good actors, were being pigeon-holed into playing gay roles. Actors were afraid to come out because they wanted to work. There are some amazing gay roles out there, but for the most part, you know, straight culture is really dominant, so."
Lizzie interrupts us to tell a long, involved story about her favorite color (pink) and its relation to her favorite television show (Lazytown). Although younger than her sister by nearly a year, Lizzie is the more outgoing of the two. "She's an attention hog," Ackles says fondly. "She's just like Jared."
But when I ask about the girls' parentage, Ackles and Padalecki become suddenly quiet. "We don't think about it like that," Padalecki says. "We used anonymous egg donors, and uh, my cousin Anne was our surrogate. But we don't say, 'This is your kid and that one's mine.'"
The legal papers tell a different story, but Ackles is quick to explain that as soon as they make the move to California, they're going to push the adoption papers through. "Chicago's been good to us," he says, "but I won't do the long distance thing. I'm such a sap, man, but I can't be so far away from my girls."
Padalecki nudges him and gives him a look that makes me think Ackles might be in the dog house tonight. "Oh," Ackles says, rolling his eyes and flashing a dimpled smile, "and Jared's pretty great, too. I'd probably miss him."
Padalecki leans forward like he's telling me a secret. "This guy is full of it," he says. "Miss me? He can't live without me."
*
It's their last night in Chicago so they take the girls to Navy Pier for dinner and let them run around the upstairs garden area afterward, shrieking as they dodge the sprays of water from the jumping fountains and try to splash each other. Jensen feels like he's in shock, almost. They're leaving Chicago after almost six years and it's pretty surreal. They're moving back to LA, they have a house and everything. They were going to get a tutor for Charlie, but James pulled some strings and now she's going to some ritzy private place. Jensen's sort of worried about that because he's not really sure how he feels about his kid mixing with Hollywood kids, but it's a good school and Charlie's smart, she deserves it. It's only half-days, but it's still kind of scary. She still seems so little to him.
So they're leaving and it's just, it's pretty weird. Jensen watches the girls run underneath the arches of water that leap from fountain to fountain and tries not to think about it too much. Everything is changing and that's a good thing, but it's scary too. It's pretty fucking scary.
They head out to the pier and make their way towards the lake end, where there are bleacher seats set up to watch the fireworks display. Lizzie wants to climb as high as she can, but Jared just gives her a look and says, "Only three up, Lizzie. I mean it," and she doesn't go higher. She and Charlie sit back against the risers and whisper to each other. His girls, already sharing secrets. It's pretty great, he thinks as he turns around and takes a seat below them, next to Jared. It's, yeah, it's pretty great.
The fireworks start and Jensen leans back to watch as the sky lights up in blues and reds in front of them over the black surface of the water. The lake looks endless from here and Jared is warm against his side, their knees touching, Jared's hand on his thigh. It's pretty great, Jensen thinks. It's pretty perfect, actually.
"Man, I can't believe we're really fucking doing this," Jared says.
"I know. I just. It's sort of crazy, you know."
"I'm scared shitless."
Later, back at the house after the girls are asleep, they sit on boxes in their packed up living room, passing a bottle of Jack back and forth in the strange orange glow of the streetlights outside. The red line rumbles by three blocks away and Jensen thinks he's never going to get woken up by the train again. Chicago is more home to him than anywhere he's lived since leaving Richardson and it's just, it's not an easy thing, to pack up and leave like this. His girls have always lived here and their height markers are still on the kitchen wall next to the recycling bins because all they had the first time they started was a black sharpie. This is where their life started, the girls and him and Jared, and yeah, it's pretty scary that they're leaving.
"But it's gonna be great," Jared says, passing the bottle to Jensen. Jensen takes a long pull and makes a face, takes another. He'll probably be hung over tomorrow but all they're doing is flying, so it's not a big deal. He doesn't really want to be sober tonight.
"Yeah?" Jensen says.
"Yeah. Because we can work and be with the girls, and we don't have to do any of that flying back and forth shit. And, you know, the article comes out next week and it'll just be. It's not a big deal, right? So it'll just be us. And we can just be, like, normal and stuff."
Jensen laughs a little. "Dude, you are seriously deluded if you think anyone's ever gonna think you're normal. Just look at your hair, man."
"What's wrong with my hair?"
"It looks like it's about to fly off your head."
"It's cute," Jared says. "It's wispy, or something. Pixieish. My stylist says-"
"Oh my god, you really are gay! You have a stylist!"
"Fuck you."
"Yeah," Jensen says, grinning. "Yeah, let's do that."
In the bedroom it's a rush to get out of their clothes and Jensen is pretty drunk, he's feeling pretty good but his shirt buttons are a fucking bitch so he abandons them for his pants and then Jared's pushing him back onto the bed, shoving his shirt up as far as it'll go. Jared's mouth tastes like whiskey which isn't the best thing, but Jensen could really care less, just licks his way inside. It's sloppy, drunken sex, hot and fast and the feel of Jared pushing inside him, the slow stretch and burn of it, is pretty much the best thing ever. Jared makes these low, groaning noises that Jensen loves, presses his mouth against Jensen's neck as he thrusts inside, circles his hips before he pulls out and starts over again. And it's, Jensen wants it fast and this is too slow. He wants to feel this tomorrow, he wants to take it with him.
"J, come on. You have to just. Move."
"Like this?" Jared says, and fucks back in, slow, slow. Not like that, Jensen wants to say, but it feels like. It feels pretty perfect and then Jared wraps his hand around Jensen's dick and just squeezes a little, just resting there and it's fucking torture. He needs Jared to move, needs Jared to just.
"Just fucking jack me, come on."
Jared grinds his hips down, so deep inside, shudders a little. "No," he mumbles against Jensen's neck. "Wanna. Gotta wait for me, baby. Wanna suck you after."
Jared keeps his promises.
*
This is my beautiful life, Jared thinks, and stares at the empty living room. He's such a fucking sap, but really. It's all changing now. Everything is changing and Jared's not really sure where it's going, except west. Head west, young man, he thinks, and yeah, he's such a fucking sap.
The movers took the last of their stuff ten minutes ago, but Jared wanted to come back up and make sure they didn't leave anything behind. It's weird to see the place so empty and he's still trying to imagine what all their stuff is going to look like in the new house in LA. He wonders what kinds of roles he'll get offered now, or if he'll always have to play the gay guy now that he's officially out and everything. Hollywood has come a long way since he started and that probably won't happen, he thinks, but even if it does, he's trying really hard not to care. It's a double standard and unfair and all that, but he's okay with playing gay. He's okay with being gay, especially when it means being with Jensen and the girls.
"Daddy?" Charlie slips her hand into his and smiles up at him. "It's time to go now."
Jared runs his free hand over her dark curls and smiles. "Yeah? Did Jensen send you up here to get me, baby?"
"Yes, and he said to tell you it's okay to be sad and cry and he'll love you anyway."
"That's sweet." Jared grins. He doesn't feel sad, not really. He feels pretty good, actually. Because yeah, everything's changing and that's scary as hell, but there are some things that will stay the same. There are some things that'll never change.
"Isn't it, though?" Jensen says from behind him.
Jared turns and there he is, leaning in the doorway looking, Christ, like the first time they met for the read throughs back in the day. He has that same shy smile and he's still the only person Jared wants to be with like this. He looks the same, maybe better, except now he's got Lizzie wrapped around his leg, hanging on.
"It kind of is," Jared says, takes two steps toward the door, toward Jensen. Charlie giggles and tugs on his hand, says, "Ew, Daddy, don't do it," but Jared does anyway, leans forward and presses his lips to Jensen's, a soft, open kiss. And then Charlie is tugging on his hand with both of hers and Jared laughs and lets himself be tugged while Jensen pulls Lizzie off his leg and lifts her high in the air until she's shrieking to get put down. The door closes behind them, and they don't look back.
The End.
*
Links: Part 1 | Part 2 | Chicagoland Music | Table of Contents
They don't get to talk that night because Charlie is up with a stomach ache like Jensen knew she would be, and Jensen almost feels relieved about it. They talked enough for today, it's been a crazy day and he doesn't have this shit planned out. He didn't know he wanted to come out until he said it, or maybe he did, maybe he's known forever because this closet stuff sucks, as little as he even bothers, but he wasn't consciously planning it or whatever.
He wasn't consciously planning it, but now that he's doing the film (and fuck, is that strange to thing about, because he wasn't letting himself, but now he can, and yeah), he knows he can't go back to the way things were. Before Charlie, when they were still doing the show and it was all sneaking around and hiding and shit. Jared wouldn't tell his parents, didn't want to tell them at all but then Anne was officially pregnant and Jensen just said, "It's time, you have to or they'll never forgive you."
Jensen can't go back. He thinks about it while he's coaxing Charlie into drinking more ginger ale and rubbing her back in slow circles. Jared and Lizzie are asleep on the other bed, which would really piss Jensen off if it wasn't so ridiculously adorable. Jared shouldn't get to look that peaceful and, really, fucking sweet as hell with Lizzie starfished across his chest, not when it's his fault Charlie is sick in the first place.
"Daddy," Charlie whispers, takes a small sip of her ginger ale. "Daddy, I don't think I like McDonald's."
"That's because it's nasty and bad for you and it kills rainforests, baby," Jensen says.
"For real?"
"Yup. And it makes you sick." Sometimes Jensen wonders if he should feel guilty for telling his kids about shit like that. About rainforest depletion and why they're not allowed to have Barbie dolls or shop at the Gap, ever, even though Jared sometimes sneaks them in anyway because he's a sucker for cute little girl clothes that are way too expensive and made in sweatshops. So sometimes Jensen thinks about what they're telling their kids, but mostly he's just against lying to them, and sometimes there's not a kid-friendly way of saying, "Because Barbie is proportioned like an anorexic stripper." Also, the tiny little shoes and rings and shit get stuck in the carpet and hurt like a bitch when Jensen accidentally steps on them. Which is also why they don't have a Lite Brite, but he doesn't tell them that.
He tucks Charlie into bed and lies down on top of the covers next to her, waits for her to fall asleep against him before he gets up. He shakes Jared by the shoulder and they shuffle quietly into the hall, leaving the door open just a little because Charlie is still afraid of the dark even with the night-light on. Jensen sort of thinks Jared will say something once they're alone, but he just pulls Jensen onto the bed and they have slow, sleepy sex, Jared spooned up behind him, one long leg thrown over both of Jensen's. It's deep this way and almost perfect, but Jensen wants to see Jared, wants to touch him at least and he can't like this, not really. But it's good still and Jared whispers stupid sex things in Jensen's ear when he comes, god and jenny and love.
Jared falls asleep again after, but it's okay, Jensen thinks. It'll be okay.
*
This whole situation is a lot more fucked up than it needs to be, Jared thinks, and he knows he's making it harder on everyone and Jensen doesn't understand why, so he just keeps looking at Jared like. Like Jared just spoiled him for the end of Harry Potter, which he's been waiting to read until the girls are old enough, or. Or something, something really mean. Jared's no good at metaphors, he sucks at them like a giant sucking… thing that sucks (he fails at similes, too), but he knows when he's hurting Jensen, and he hates it.
He doesn't want to hurt Jensen, it's not like he's trying on purpose, but the thing about Jared is, well. He's not gay. He just isn't, and so this whole coming out thing is just as much a lie as anything else.
He's not gay. Bi, maybe, except even then, the only guy he's ever really wanted is Jensen. Jared fucked a lot of girls before Jensen, and a couple in the beginning, too, before they got serious. Jared likes women. He loves them, and sometimes he really misses them, but mostly he only ever wants Jensen now. It's just the way things are and Jared really doesn't feel like he needs to analyze the whole thing. The thing with Jensen happened and it's the most perfect thing in his life. Or, it's not, because, like, it's not easy and sometimes Jensen's a total bitch and neurotic and Jared doesn't even want to be around him, but mostly it's good. It's the best thing in Jared's life-Jensen and the girls-even if it's not exactly perfect, so he doesn't question it.
It's Chad's last free day in town so they meet at the Army Surplus store on Belmont that Chad loves because of all the old army crap-bags with Korean writing all over them, and those weird collapsible shovels marines use to dig trenches and latrines in the field. Chad has a collection of pins and medals and shit that he's bought off old war widows and sometimes at the surplus store, too. He has a Purple Heart. Jared thinks the whole thing is kind of gross and exploitative, but he never says anything because Chad would just laugh and tell him that Jensen's turning him soft. Still, making a collection out of the pain and suffering of guys who got, like, their legs blown off by car bombs in Iraq is pretty fucked up. Chad's a fucked up guy.
They've never really talked about the whole Jensen-gay thing before-like, sat down and had a heart-to-heart, what does it all mean kind of thing-because they're guys and they just don't need to talk about shit like that. It's just understood. Jared doesn't make fun of Chad for being an asshole incapable of maintaining a relationship and Chad doesn't question what Jared has with Jensen and the girls, aside from the occasional ass-fucking, cock-sucking jokes that were pretty much inevitable. Chad knows, though-he gets it. He's Charlie's godfather and he's good to her, too-her and Lizzie. Jared never thought he'd look at Chad and think he'd make a good dad, but he really would, maybe. He's an asshole and a fuck up, but he loves Charlie and he's just. He's a good friend. He's still Jared's best friend, after Jensen.
He finds Chad inside, surveying the rows of pumas and Docs, eyeing a pair of silver boots that Jared thinks must be a joke and Chad thinks are "totally fabulous, man." Jared is never surprised by the fact that Chad is ten times gayer than he is, despite Jared actually having gay sex on a regular basis. Chad is Chad, he tends to have the taste of a cheap hooker and he wears the clothes without even a tiny bit of irony.
"So the thing is," Jared starts, pauses to lick his lips and rifle through the racks of pre-distressed jeans. "It's. Uh. I just don't know, you know?"
"Uh, no, I don't. I have no fucking clue what you're talking about because, you know, you haven't actually said anything yet, dickwad. Oooh, collars!"
They drift over to the jewelry display case, which is mostly leather and faux-leather collars, studded bracelet cuffs, and for some reason, hair dye. Jared's not sure why the Army Surplus people think the hair dye needs to be protected, but whatever. It's Boystown; Jared wouldn't be surprised if magenta Manic Panic was the most stolen product in the store.
"It's just. Jensen got an offer. For, like, a really good role. But he's all. He only wants to do it if we can come out and be open and shit."
Chad laughs. "Bitch wants you to make an honest woman out of him. That's fucking great, dude."
Jared frowns. Of course Chad thinks this is hilarious. Jared's not sure what reaction he expected from Chad, but he sort of thought, well. He thought Chad would understand and be supportive and tell Jared what to do, which was clearly delusional thinking on his part. Obviously, Jared's an idiot. He needs to stop doing his own stunts, maybe. He's gotten too many concussions and it's clearly caused brain damage when he starts expecting Chad to help things make sense. Chad is still laughing at him. Jared sort of hates him, and also, he takes back all that nice stuff about Chad being a good godfather and friend. He's not. He sucks. Clearly.
"Shut up," Jared mutters. "It's not funny, okay? He wants, like. He wants us to come out. Formally, or whatever. Like an interview with The Advocate or something, and it's fucking ridiculous. I'm not even gay."
Chad snorts, loudly, and the fucker is still laughing at him. "You're doing a really good job of faking it, J."
"I'm not. I mean, look. I'm maybe bi. But I haven't. It's only ever been Jensen, I never really wanted any other guys, so."
"Not even me?" Chad grins. "Dude, I'm fucking insulted! I'm a good-looking guy and I have a fantastic body and great fashion sense. Even Pete Wentz thinks so. I refuse to believe you've never considered tapping this."
"I'm pretty sure 'this' has about ten VDs and I know for a fact that herpes does not have a cure." Jared makes a face. He really hasn't thought about it. Chad is Chad, he's not a sexual person in Jared's mind. The one time Jared walked in on Chad fucking some chick back when they were filming House of Wax pretty much traumatized Jared for life. He's just thankful the chick wasn't Paris Hilton. Now that? That probably would've made him full-on, one hundred percent gay for life.
"Aw, come on, baby," Chad says, grinning and shaking his hips a little, "it's just a little cold sore!"
"Gross. Fucker. Can we please stay on topic?"
"Which is what? So, like, you're maybe not all-the-way gay, but you're gay enough. You're with Jensen, you have kids. That's pretty fucking gay, dude."
"I guess."
"Believe me, it is. You're pretty gay. And, you know, you don't have to make some big declaration about who you like to fuck. You can just be, 'I love Jensen, we're in love,' and let people assume whatever shit they want from there."
"Huh." Jared stared at the t-shirts without really seeing them, fingers a red one with the words 'Porn Star' written in glittery silver across the chest. Jensen might like it, but then again, explaining it to the girls would be a really interesting thing Jared's not ready for yet. "That's um. That's actually kind of good."
"Because I'm a fucking genius, dude. I think you probably owe me a beer now. And can we never talk about your feelings again, please?"
"Fucker," Jared says and punches Chad in the arm.
"You wish, gay boy. Now come on. I want to try on those silver boots."
*
Jared's still not really sure about this whole coming out thing because he really isn't gay, but mostly he's afraid of what it'll do to his career. And okay, it's not like he's playing leading man type roles anymore. It's the twenty-first century, it's the second decade of the twenty-first century, and lots of actors have survived coming out. Some have even managed to keep playing straight guys. So it doesn't have to mean the end of anything, but that doesn't really make Jared feel any better about the whole thing.
Then he reads the script Jensen leaves for him on the kitchen table the next morning. Jensen's at yoga, the girls are at the co-op daycare thing with the lesbians and the one straight guy who lives in the next building over, a middle-aged divorced guy with a seven-year-old son and an ex-wife who used to be someone famous, but now does infomercials for drug money. Jensen leaves the script for him and Jared reads it while he's drinking his coffee and picking at the all-organic, vitamin-enriched bran muffin Jensen left for him.
He finishes off the pot of coffee while he's reading and only notices that Jensen is back when he presses a warm kiss on the back of Jared's neck. Jared sets the script aside and turns in his chair, wraps an arm around Jensen's waist and pulls him down onto his lap. Jensen smells like sweat and sun, sweet, and Jared smiles against his neck, pushes a hand up under Jensen's t-shirt to press his palm against the slick heat of Jensen's back.
"Don't," Jensen says, laughing. "Jared, I'm fucking gross. You don't wanna touch me right now, seriously."
"Seriously, I really do," Jared says, and licks Jensen's neck. Jensen shivers in his arms and Jared thinks, this is the best part. This is the part he loves, just little shit like this. The little everyday shit.
"The girls'll be back soon," Jensen says. "I really-" He breaks off with a low moan, probably because Jared shoves his hand down the front of his shorts and wraps his fingers around Jensen's dick.
"Shhh," Jared says, jacking him fast and a little rough, just the way Jensen likes it. Jared loves it like this, loves seeing the way Jensen's face goes soft and his mouth falls open just a little, like he can't really control it anymore. "Come on, baby," Jared says, rubbing the thumb of his free hand along Jensen's bottom lip, pushing it inside his mouth just a little. "Wanna see you come."
Jensen sucks his thumb in with a little whimpering moan that makes Jared wish they had a lot more time, grabs at Jared's wrist and makes him move faster, harder. His hips stutter, press up just so, and Jared knows he's close to coming, pulls his thumb away to bite at Jensen's lip, licks his way into Jensen's mouth and sucks at his tongue until he feels warmth rush over his fingers and wrist. Sometimes Jared likes it like this best, fast and nasty and sweaty and perfect. He always likes making Jensen come.
"God," Jensen says, still shivering a little. He laughs. "Now I'm really gross."
"I like you this way," Jared says, and licks his neck.
Jensen's eyes flick to the script lying open on the kitchen table, to Jared's empty coffee cup. "Oh. Hey. You found it." He sounds nervous, shifts a little on Jared's lap like he wants to get up, but Jared tightens his arms. "Did you. Um. You read it?"
"I, yeah. Mostly. And it's." Jared looks at him, looks away. "I still don't know about everything else. The, all the stuff you said, before. But you were right about the film. You have to do it, Jen. It's. You have to."
"Jared, man. We'll figure it out, okay?"
"Yeah, I know." Jared grins. "Now get off me, fucker. You stink."
*
A week goes by and they don't really talk about it at all. Jensen talks to his agent and tries to make plans, tries to think about where he's going to live during shooting. He could stay with Chris, he thinks, but he doesn't really want to. He doesn't want to be away from the girls for weeks at a time. Jared's used to it, maybe. Jared has always been okay with that, but Jensen wants them with him and he doesn't know how that's going to work.
They need to talk, clearly they need to have a discussion because Jensen starts filming in a month and it has to be settled by then, but every time he tries, Jared distracts him. Usually with sex, so Jensen doesn't really feel the overwhelming urge to make him talk, but it has to happen. Soon. Ish.
Anne comes over that Saturday to take the girls downtown to do girly stuff, go to high tea at the Drake and go shopping and shit. The girls know that Anne isn't their mother, that she just carried them and birthed them and things, but they love her and she's a good person, a fantastic person, really, so Jensen tries not to be jealous of the time they spend with her. She did them a huge favor, having the girls, and they're always going to be grateful. She's family, she'll always be in their lives.
The girls haven't asked who their real mothers are yet, and Jensen's not really sure what they're going to say when the inevitable questions start. He doesn't really want to tell them the truth, that their mothers were probably really poor college girl lab rats who offered up the contents of their ovaries to pay for their college degrees. He and Jared chose the egg donors based on SAT scores and personality profiles. They never knew what the donors looked like and they paid a small fortune to make sure that everything was done anonymously, so that ten years from now, no one would come looking for the girls, trying to claim them.
When people ask Charlie who her mother is, she always frowns a little, confused, and says Jensen. Jared thinks it's hilarious, but Jensen knows it's only because Jared works so much and Jensen is there, Jensen's the caretaker. He doesn't want to tell Charlie anything different, doesn't want to reinforce negative gender stereotypes or make her think that being a mother is somehow less than being a dad, but later he gets Jared back, teases him until he begs to be fucked. Sometimes Jensen thinks Jared does it on purpose now, but he doesn't say anything about that either. The sex is pretty amazing, that's never been their problem.
So Anne takes the girls for the day and Jared and Jensen decide to go out. They take the train to Wicker Park and spend the day trolling the crammed shelves and tables of Myopic Books. It's one of the few bookstores Jensen is willing to go into. Borders is so bright and the coffee costs enough to feed ten starving Africans for a year. Jensen doesn't want to contribute to that so it's always places like Myopic with its dusty shelves and weird musty smell and random cats lounging between the shelves, blocking the aisles.
It maybe smells strange here, but the clerks actually read books on occasion and usually know where to find things and what to recommend. A girl with a blue mohawk and about ten facial piercings helps Jensen find a few things for the girls. Jared has wandered off so Jensen finds the Ws, picks up Jeanette Winterson's latest novel and sits on one of the low wooden stools not currently being occupied by a cat to read until Jared finds him. Jared's getting three sports history books, pretty typical and boring, and makes fun of Jensen for being such a feminist. "For a guy who doesn't want to fuck women, you sure love them a lot," he says, grinning.
"Fuck you," Jensen says. "We have daughters, remember? I just like to, you know, to be on top of this shit and know what it's going to be like for them."
They get home before Anne and order in Thai food, eat it sitting on the living room floor watching South Park reruns because they can't when the girls are around, not even when the girls are sleeping because it's one thing for them to walk in on Doctor Who, but South Park is sort of in its own league of inappropriateness. Jensen thinks this is probably as good a time as any to talk.
"Jared. We-I talked to my agent yesterday and I need to make a decision about LA. We need to make a decision."
Jared frowns and jabs his chopsticks into his carton of noodles, pushes them around a little. "About LA. I don't. What do you mean, exactly? I thought you'd just, you'd come back on the weekends like I did. I can take care of the girls. You know that."
"No, I know. I just." Jensen sighs, rubs at his forehead. He's getting a headache. "I don't want to do that. Jared, we talked about this. I still want to come out. I want the girls with me. I want you with me."
"I thought." Jared stops, sets his carton on the coffee table in front of him and stares at the television. "I just need more time, I guess. It's not like this is some easy decision, Jensen. It's sort of a big deal, okay?"
"Yeah, it is a big deal." Jensen tries not to feel angry, because it's not Jared's fault and he knows Jared's just scared. He reaches over and grabs Jared's hand, squeezes it maybe a little too hard. "It's not, you know this isn't just about us, okay? It's about the girls. What are we going to tell them when they're old enough to understand the shit people say? Because I know you're not, um, you're not ashamed-"
"I'm not. Jensen, I'm not."
"No, I know. But that's what people are gonna think. And I don't give a shit about most of them, but the girls? I don't want them to think we're ashamed, ever."
"Yeah," Jared says, and rubs his fingers over Jensen's wrist. "Me neither. I just thought we'd have more time."
Jensen sighs and pokes at his food, looks at the television without really seeing anything. They haven't really decided anything, but they've maybe talked enough for today. Jensen feels tired, suddenly, just completely exhausted. He misses the girls.
*
Jared has to do some promo things, some red carpet things and he hates it but he goes because they tell him to and it's sort of his job. They set him up with a model, some girl who's probably still a teenager and smokes like a chimney, smells like it, too. She's gorgeous. She has dark hair and even darker eyes, looks like a live version of an anime character from one of those shows that involves school girls and gratuitous tentacle rape. Although really, Jared thinks, pretty much all tentacle rape is gratuitous.
Jared is not even slightly tempted.
And it's not like he hasn't been tempted before because he has, a lot. He loves Jensen but he misses women sometimes, misses their softness, their easiness. Jensen isn't easy except early in the mornings or very late at night after he's already gotten fucked. Hardly anything about Jensen is easy, but still. Jared isn't even tempted. Also, he's pretty sure the model is a lesbian.
So Jared's gone for three days to do the red carpet stuff, get his picture taken, be seen and do two red carpet interviews that will probably never get aired unless it's a really slow week and no one's going into rehab or accidentally flashing their vaginas because, really, Jared isn't that big. He's never been that big and this is all so pointless. He hates being away when it feels like they've finally settled into some sort of rhythm. It finally feels normal to see the girls every day, to wake up every morning with Jensen's face pressed into his neck. It's finally normal and he has to leave and he hates it.
He's gone for three days and then they have a day at home before Jensen has to leave, has to fly out to LA to read with people because they still haven't cast for the part of the lover. Jared doesn't even remember the lover's name at this point, but mostly he just. He hates this. He finally got used to the whole being at home thing and now it's getting all fucked up again. Lizzie cries for an entire day straight when Jensen leaves and Charlie won't talk, it's pretty fucked up, but they've never really been away from Jensen before. Jared's worried Lizzie will make herself sick but when he calls his mom, she just tells him to let her cry it out, she'll get past it eventually. Jared doesn't say anything. He doesn't tell her that he sort of feels like crying, too, because. It just, it sucks. He can't even think about what it's going to be like when Jensen starts filming and he's gone all the time. He's never been the one who gets left behind before.
So yeah, it totally sucks and it's not something he really feels like he wants to get used to again, this being apart shit. He tells his mom that, too, and she just laughs.
"JT, that's been your life for the last six years. Why's it so different now, baby?"
"It just is. He was never the one leaving before." Jared knows he sounds like a selfish bitch, but he doesn't care. If there's one person he can be a selfish bitch in front of, it's his mom.
She just laughs. "You'll get used to it."
But Jared misses Jensen. He's only gone for a week and it's terrible, it feels like the longest they've been apart in years even though Jared knows it's not nearly. The girls get used to it, the girls adapt so quickly and yeah, they ask about Jensen and talk to him every night on the phone before they go to bed, but Jared's not a kid and he can't just. He can't just adjust like that. He doesn't want to.
*
"Jared?" Jensen answers the phone, voice thick with sleep. He sounds exhausted, he thinks, even to himself. He is exhausted. It's been a long week and he's not used to working like this. Van Sant is insane, he's already crazy as hell and they haven't even started filming yet.
"Yeah. 'S me. What're you. You busy?"
"Sleeping. What's wrong? Girls okay?"
"Yeah, no. They're. They're fine. Perfect. Lizzie yelled 'motherfucker' at the grocery store today. At the, actually, the woman who was showing me where the good cereal is."
Jensen laughs, rubs at his eyes a little. "Oh, fuck. That's. God, that's hilarious."
"It was so fucking funny, dude. But, you know, I couldn't laugh because that would only encourage her. I had to be all stern and, and mean. All, 'Young lady!' and shit. I sounded like my mom, it was sick."
The room is dark and Jensen curls on his side, presses the phone to his ear. If he closes his eyes it's almost like Jared's there. He lets out a breath, grins to himself. "Jared," he says, his voice low and still rough with sleep. "What are you wearing?"
"The jeans I got from Diesel last year, you know, the ones with the hole in the knee that you always say I need to throw away? And um, a t-shirt. It's green and-oh. You mean."
"Yeah. I mean."
"Are you." Jared pauses, clears his throat a little. "Are you, like, touching yourself?"
"No, I'm baking a cake." Jensen rubs himself a little through his boxers, shivers when his dick twitches against his palm. "Yeah, I'm touching myself."
"Don't," Jared says. He sounds breathless, hot. Jensen smiles into the phone. "You should save it. For when you come home."
"Yeah?" Jensen stops rubbing, tucks his fingers between his knees. "You want me to wait, baby?"
"Yeah," Jared says, but now he sounds. Weird, sort of sad. Not breathless or hot at all, and Jensen thinks, they should talk, they should have a serious discussion or something, but then Jared says, "Wait for when you come home" and Jensen thinks, yeah, it can wait.
*
Jensen comes home on a Tuesday night, so that day Jared takes the girls to Whole Foods to find something to make for dinner. Something organic and hormone-free and healthy because it's Jensen and that's what he likes. Jared's a pretty good cook and he decides to make calzones because he can make one with meat and one without, and that way Jensen won't get so fixated on the whole indigestible factor and actually enjoy his food for once. It's a good plan, Jared thinks. He's learning to compromise through calzones.
The girls are fine, they know Jensen's coming home so they're on their best behavior and it's not until they're standing in the checkout lane waiting for what seems like a fucking eternity for the old woman in front of them to pay that it happens.
"Daddy," Charlie says, frowning and tugging on his hand. "Daddy, why are you kissing that lady?"
Jared starts to say something about how it's not nice to make things up about people, but then he looks at the magazine rack Charlie is pointing to and sees it in an inset on the front page of the RedEye. A picture of him and the model from a week ago-Giselle or Gretta, something that sounds like she should be a Von Trapp-and yeah, they're kissing. Well, not really. Giselle-Brigitte, whatever-is kissing him and he's looking bored and tired and whatever, but still. Jared doesn't even remember that. It's pretty fucked up.
"Daddy?" Charlie says. She sounds really upset, like she might start crying, which is, whoa, because Charlie is not a crier. "Are you splitting up? Mary Jo's daddy left and never came back and-"
"Hey, no, baby." Jared picks her up, settles her on his hip and lets her twine her arms around his neck. He rubs her back in slow circles, looks from Charlie to Lizzie, sitting calmly in the shopping cart seat, and back again. "We're not splitting up. Jensen's coming home tonight, okay? I promise. We love each other and we love you, and we're not splitting up. Sometimes people in magazines make things up, but they don't mean anything, okay?"
Charlie rubs at her eyes a little and nods, shifts on his hip. She doesn't cry. His girl is strong, she's so strong, she doesn't cry hardly ever and she doesn't cry now. "Okay," she says finally. Lizzie nods too, like she understands, but she's still really little and Jared knows she doesn't get it, not really.
He maybe finally does. He gets it, finally, and when Jensen gets in that night, after dinner, after they put the girls to bed, after he sucks Jensen off in the bathroom before he can even finish brushing his teeth and then fucks him again on the bed, legs up over Jared's shoulders because Jared wants to look at him, see him when he comes. After all that, he takes a deep breath, brushes his hand over Jensen's stomach, says, "Do you think we could get The Advocate?"
"Mmm. For what?"
"For our big gay coming out thing. Because I don't want to go with, like, People or Life & Style or whatever. That's just tacky. I want it to be, you know. Classy. I want to do it right."
Jensen just looks at him with this soft expression, not quite a smile, and brushes the hair back from Jared's forehead. "Yeah," he says. "Yeah, I think we can. We'll do it right."
*
Jensen talks to his agent and Cameron and Van Sant and they get him set up with a publicist, one of those older women of indeterminable age with a cigarette-gravel voice and gigantic glasses with little rhinestones set in the frames. She's like a throwback to the sixties but she's a total hardass and she knows fucking everyone. He meets her the next time he's in LA for read throughs and immediately falls in love.
Gladys calls him 'doll' and 'honey' and 'sweetheart' like he's some chick from a noir film or something, but she gets them an interview with The Advocate so Jensen figures she actually knows what she's doing. It's not a cover, but Jensen doesn't really want a cover. They don't want to make it a big deal. It's not a big deal, lots of people are gay and it's not a big deal, they just happen to be sort of famous, so people might care. Jensen doesn't really care what people think, but he wants to be honest. He doesn't want to hide and he cares about the girls, what they think and what people think of them. Charlie's starting school soon, so he kind of has to care.
The Advocate sends an actual journalist and photographer to the house. They want pictures, of course they do, and at first Jared maybe freaks out a little. "Jensen," he says, "I'm not. Do you really think we should let them take pictures of the girls?"
"I. Yeah, I do. Because pictures are going to get out eventually and I'd rather, you know. We can control it this way."
The interview, Jensen thinks, goes all right. The journalist is nice, a youngish sort of guy, very gay and very green, but not a pushover or anything. Jared and Jensen sit on the couch while the girls attack their coloring book with crayons on floor. Jared is nervous, sitting rigid and bouncing his knee incessantly until Jensen reaches over and squeezes it once, leaves his hand there. This is hard, it's hard to talk about something so private and pretend like it doesn't matter, but it's important, too. It'll be worth it, Jensen thinks.
The first couple questions are easy, about the film and Jensen's role, how he feels about playing James Dean and what it's like to start working again after so many years off. The photographer snaps pictures as they talk, of them and the girls and the house. The girls are good, quiet, except for when Lizzie interrupts them to demand that they look at their coloring. "I made the sky pink," she tells the interviewer. John, Jensen thinks his name is. "Pink is my favorite and Daddy says I can be Stephanie for Halloween."
"She means Stephanie from Lazytown," Jared explains. "If Lizzie had her way, everything would be pink."
Then come the hard questions-when did they have the girls, how did they get together, why did they hide it for so long. Jensen thinks they answer everything the way they wanted to, but he's not sure, it all seems like a big blur. Charlie gets tired of coloring and crawls onto his lap, falls asleep right there and of course the photographer is snapping pictures like crazy. This shit is golden, Jensen is sure. Domestic Bliss.
*
Partners for Life
Story by John Winters
Photographs by Amy LaMont
You might remember the show. Two brothers, saving people, hunting things, riding around in a pimped-out old Impala fondly nicknamed the Metallicar by the show's bevy of mostly-female fans. And above all, fighting the evil forces at work in a war that pitted demons against people. But what really made the show were the actors who played the brothers-two young, attractive guys who had more chemistry with each other than any of the young women who played their various romantic interests. And now we know why.
Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki, former co-stars of the erstwhile horror-drama television show Supernatural, are married with kids. And before you ask, I'm not being euphemistic and I'm not joking. Jensen and Jared have been secretly married for the past six years and they have two daughters, Lizzie, age 3 ¾, and Charlotte, who is turning five next month.
"We're not really married," Padalecki tells me in an off-hand way. He seems nervous and jittery, looking to Ackles just a little too often for his cues, as if they're back on set playing roles again. "It's not, you know, legal here. Illinois passed civil unions a few years ago, but, yeah. It's only recognized in a handful of states so we don't say we're married."
"We're partners," Ackles adds. "I think that's a better word for it anyway."
Ackles, who is set to star in an upcoming biopic about the secret gay life of James Dean tentatively titled Rebel Rebel, seems much more at ease with "the whole big gay thing" as he calls it, than his partner.
"I haven't really been hiding," Ackles explains. "We moved here before the girls were born and I haven't been working, so it just wasn't an issue. Our friends all know, and our families. I never thought it was anyone else's business."
So why come out now?
"It's this film," Padalecki says. "Jensen just said, you know, that it's not a big deal and we can be honest about our lives. Things aren't how they were when I started working. I was seventeen, you know, and guys like Rupert Everett, really good actors, were being pigeon-holed into playing gay roles. Actors were afraid to come out because they wanted to work. There are some amazing gay roles out there, but for the most part, you know, straight culture is really dominant, so."
Lizzie interrupts us to tell a long, involved story about her favorite color (pink) and its relation to her favorite television show (Lazytown). Although younger than her sister by nearly a year, Lizzie is the more outgoing of the two. "She's an attention hog," Ackles says fondly. "She's just like Jared."
But when I ask about the girls' parentage, Ackles and Padalecki become suddenly quiet. "We don't think about it like that," Padalecki says. "We used anonymous egg donors, and uh, my cousin Anne was our surrogate. But we don't say, 'This is your kid and that one's mine.'"
The legal papers tell a different story, but Ackles is quick to explain that as soon as they make the move to California, they're going to push the adoption papers through. "Chicago's been good to us," he says, "but I won't do the long distance thing. I'm such a sap, man, but I can't be so far away from my girls."
Padalecki nudges him and gives him a look that makes me think Ackles might be in the dog house tonight. "Oh," Ackles says, rolling his eyes and flashing a dimpled smile, "and Jared's pretty great, too. I'd probably miss him."
Padalecki leans forward like he's telling me a secret. "This guy is full of it," he says. "Miss me? He can't live without me."
*
It's their last night in Chicago so they take the girls to Navy Pier for dinner and let them run around the upstairs garden area afterward, shrieking as they dodge the sprays of water from the jumping fountains and try to splash each other. Jensen feels like he's in shock, almost. They're leaving Chicago after almost six years and it's pretty surreal. They're moving back to LA, they have a house and everything. They were going to get a tutor for Charlie, but James pulled some strings and now she's going to some ritzy private place. Jensen's sort of worried about that because he's not really sure how he feels about his kid mixing with Hollywood kids, but it's a good school and Charlie's smart, she deserves it. It's only half-days, but it's still kind of scary. She still seems so little to him.
So they're leaving and it's just, it's pretty weird. Jensen watches the girls run underneath the arches of water that leap from fountain to fountain and tries not to think about it too much. Everything is changing and that's a good thing, but it's scary too. It's pretty fucking scary.
They head out to the pier and make their way towards the lake end, where there are bleacher seats set up to watch the fireworks display. Lizzie wants to climb as high as she can, but Jared just gives her a look and says, "Only three up, Lizzie. I mean it," and she doesn't go higher. She and Charlie sit back against the risers and whisper to each other. His girls, already sharing secrets. It's pretty great, he thinks as he turns around and takes a seat below them, next to Jared. It's, yeah, it's pretty great.
The fireworks start and Jensen leans back to watch as the sky lights up in blues and reds in front of them over the black surface of the water. The lake looks endless from here and Jared is warm against his side, their knees touching, Jared's hand on his thigh. It's pretty great, Jensen thinks. It's pretty perfect, actually.
"Man, I can't believe we're really fucking doing this," Jared says.
"I know. I just. It's sort of crazy, you know."
"I'm scared shitless."
Later, back at the house after the girls are asleep, they sit on boxes in their packed up living room, passing a bottle of Jack back and forth in the strange orange glow of the streetlights outside. The red line rumbles by three blocks away and Jensen thinks he's never going to get woken up by the train again. Chicago is more home to him than anywhere he's lived since leaving Richardson and it's just, it's not an easy thing, to pack up and leave like this. His girls have always lived here and their height markers are still on the kitchen wall next to the recycling bins because all they had the first time they started was a black sharpie. This is where their life started, the girls and him and Jared, and yeah, it's pretty scary that they're leaving.
"But it's gonna be great," Jared says, passing the bottle to Jensen. Jensen takes a long pull and makes a face, takes another. He'll probably be hung over tomorrow but all they're doing is flying, so it's not a big deal. He doesn't really want to be sober tonight.
"Yeah?" Jensen says.
"Yeah. Because we can work and be with the girls, and we don't have to do any of that flying back and forth shit. And, you know, the article comes out next week and it'll just be. It's not a big deal, right? So it'll just be us. And we can just be, like, normal and stuff."
Jensen laughs a little. "Dude, you are seriously deluded if you think anyone's ever gonna think you're normal. Just look at your hair, man."
"What's wrong with my hair?"
"It looks like it's about to fly off your head."
"It's cute," Jared says. "It's wispy, or something. Pixieish. My stylist says-"
"Oh my god, you really are gay! You have a stylist!"
"Fuck you."
"Yeah," Jensen says, grinning. "Yeah, let's do that."
In the bedroom it's a rush to get out of their clothes and Jensen is pretty drunk, he's feeling pretty good but his shirt buttons are a fucking bitch so he abandons them for his pants and then Jared's pushing him back onto the bed, shoving his shirt up as far as it'll go. Jared's mouth tastes like whiskey which isn't the best thing, but Jensen could really care less, just licks his way inside. It's sloppy, drunken sex, hot and fast and the feel of Jared pushing inside him, the slow stretch and burn of it, is pretty much the best thing ever. Jared makes these low, groaning noises that Jensen loves, presses his mouth against Jensen's neck as he thrusts inside, circles his hips before he pulls out and starts over again. And it's, Jensen wants it fast and this is too slow. He wants to feel this tomorrow, he wants to take it with him.
"J, come on. You have to just. Move."
"Like this?" Jared says, and fucks back in, slow, slow. Not like that, Jensen wants to say, but it feels like. It feels pretty perfect and then Jared wraps his hand around Jensen's dick and just squeezes a little, just resting there and it's fucking torture. He needs Jared to move, needs Jared to just.
"Just fucking jack me, come on."
Jared grinds his hips down, so deep inside, shudders a little. "No," he mumbles against Jensen's neck. "Wanna. Gotta wait for me, baby. Wanna suck you after."
Jared keeps his promises.
*
This is my beautiful life, Jared thinks, and stares at the empty living room. He's such a fucking sap, but really. It's all changing now. Everything is changing and Jared's not really sure where it's going, except west. Head west, young man, he thinks, and yeah, he's such a fucking sap.
The movers took the last of their stuff ten minutes ago, but Jared wanted to come back up and make sure they didn't leave anything behind. It's weird to see the place so empty and he's still trying to imagine what all their stuff is going to look like in the new house in LA. He wonders what kinds of roles he'll get offered now, or if he'll always have to play the gay guy now that he's officially out and everything. Hollywood has come a long way since he started and that probably won't happen, he thinks, but even if it does, he's trying really hard not to care. It's a double standard and unfair and all that, but he's okay with playing gay. He's okay with being gay, especially when it means being with Jensen and the girls.
"Daddy?" Charlie slips her hand into his and smiles up at him. "It's time to go now."
Jared runs his free hand over her dark curls and smiles. "Yeah? Did Jensen send you up here to get me, baby?"
"Yes, and he said to tell you it's okay to be sad and cry and he'll love you anyway."
"That's sweet." Jared grins. He doesn't feel sad, not really. He feels pretty good, actually. Because yeah, everything's changing and that's scary as hell, but there are some things that will stay the same. There are some things that'll never change.
"Isn't it, though?" Jensen says from behind him.
Jared turns and there he is, leaning in the doorway looking, Christ, like the first time they met for the read throughs back in the day. He has that same shy smile and he's still the only person Jared wants to be with like this. He looks the same, maybe better, except now he's got Lizzie wrapped around his leg, hanging on.
"It kind of is," Jared says, takes two steps toward the door, toward Jensen. Charlie giggles and tugs on his hand, says, "Ew, Daddy, don't do it," but Jared does anyway, leans forward and presses his lips to Jensen's, a soft, open kiss. And then Charlie is tugging on his hand with both of hers and Jared laughs and lets himself be tugged while Jensen pulls Lizzie off his leg and lifts her high in the air until she's shrieking to get put down. The door closes behind them, and they don't look back.
The End.
*
Links: Part 1 | Part 2 | Chicagoland Music | Table of Contents