Gotta get these thoughts out into the open...
Simply so that they don't sit and fester in my mind...
I've been thinking a lot about what happens after next May. I graduate, to begin with. And then what? Job? Grad school?
I really would rather not head straight into grad school, I would much prefer to get a job, but, can I do that? Everyone is always saying how great co-ops are, how great internships are, and it doesn't look like I'll be doing either (the first is already eliminated, the second is looking less and less likely...).
I suppose part of this stems from the fact that, as confident as I am in my abilities, I have little to no confidence in how I am in various other things. (Yes, that was a major revelation I had over Christmas... I have infinite confidence in my abilities, but the lowest self-esteem that I could possibly have... it's rather depressing...) I mean, I have a bloody 4.00 + [latest check, 4.15] in aerospace engineering, not exactly an easy course, and yet I still sit here worrying about whether or not I'm going to get hired after college.
*sigh*
Hell, I'll even be damn near fluent in German by the time that I graduate, which would be a nice foot-in-the-door at Mercedes or BMW, but... I still have this innate fear and worry that I am going to go through four years of college and NOT do what I want to with my life afterwards.
What else? There's a little voice in the back of my mind that keeps telling me that I should be something better than what I am now, but I don't know what. What else could I do? What else could possibly have filled my life to make it more complete? Anything else that I could have added would have meant sacrificing something else that I dearly enjoy doing. I've almost killed myself with work the past two semesters as it stands, and there needs to be something else?
I'm loved and respected by pretty much every single person that I know.
Every one of the adults at St. Francis that has gotten to know me thinks I'm a "wonderful, upstanding young man" (quoting Dorothy).
Most of my classmates turn to me for help in class, because they know that I understand what is going on and that I am willing to help...
Should I be a president of some club that doesn't do much of anything? Say, AIAA? Or in a bunch of relatively pointless honors societies?
Something in my head keeps harassing me about not having a girlfriend, and not having had one for, oh, 20 months. Why? Am I supposed to be married at this point? Or is it just trying to egg on my self esteem... "See, if you have a girlfriend, that would be proof positive that you're at least a decent human being..."
Hmph.
So I sit here in my room, alone, typing into LJ about the things that drive me mad, because I know that they are all false, all unreal, and just tricks of the unhappy side of my self into making me think things to make it worse.
No, my life is just as it should be. Nothing could be different, because everything that has happened has been meant to happen.
Things will turn out all right. But it's going to drive me crazy until it all does...
I've been thinking a lot about what happens after next May. I graduate, to begin with. And then what? Job? Grad school?
I really would rather not head straight into grad school, I would much prefer to get a job, but, can I do that? Everyone is always saying how great co-ops are, how great internships are, and it doesn't look like I'll be doing either (the first is already eliminated, the second is looking less and less likely...).
I suppose part of this stems from the fact that, as confident as I am in my abilities, I have little to no confidence in how I am in various other things. (Yes, that was a major revelation I had over Christmas... I have infinite confidence in my abilities, but the lowest self-esteem that I could possibly have... it's rather depressing...) I mean, I have a bloody 4.00 + [latest check, 4.15] in aerospace engineering, not exactly an easy course, and yet I still sit here worrying about whether or not I'm going to get hired after college.
*sigh*
Hell, I'll even be damn near fluent in German by the time that I graduate, which would be a nice foot-in-the-door at Mercedes or BMW, but... I still have this innate fear and worry that I am going to go through four years of college and NOT do what I want to with my life afterwards.
What else? There's a little voice in the back of my mind that keeps telling me that I should be something better than what I am now, but I don't know what. What else could I do? What else could possibly have filled my life to make it more complete? Anything else that I could have added would have meant sacrificing something else that I dearly enjoy doing. I've almost killed myself with work the past two semesters as it stands, and there needs to be something else?
I'm loved and respected by pretty much every single person that I know.
Every one of the adults at St. Francis that has gotten to know me thinks I'm a "wonderful, upstanding young man" (quoting Dorothy).
Most of my classmates turn to me for help in class, because they know that I understand what is going on and that I am willing to help...
Should I be a president of some club that doesn't do much of anything? Say, AIAA? Or in a bunch of relatively pointless honors societies?
Something in my head keeps harassing me about not having a girlfriend, and not having had one for, oh, 20 months. Why? Am I supposed to be married at this point? Or is it just trying to egg on my self esteem... "See, if you have a girlfriend, that would be proof positive that you're at least a decent human being..."
Hmph.
So I sit here in my room, alone, typing into LJ about the things that drive me mad, because I know that they are all false, all unreal, and just tricks of the unhappy side of my self into making me think things to make it worse.
No, my life is just as it should be. Nothing could be different, because everything that has happened has been meant to happen.
Things will turn out all right. But it's going to drive me crazy until it all does...