Questions in the darkness...
Note, that this is not a depressed post, or anything like that... I am still in this immense Search high; my spiritual level is through the roof, but... with that comes more quesitons about certain things in my life... things like ...
My vocation.
Yeah. I think about the priesthood a lot more than I let on to anyone that I talk to. Why do I not admit it? I don't really know... probably because I'm not sure about any of it right now... it makes me think of back in high school, where all of my teachers were pulling at me to major in something in their field; not because they had this weird ego trip thing going, but because I really was that damn good at everything that I did. Mrs. Keller was pulling very, very hard for me to go into medicine, because I knew Biology better than everyone at school except for her and the other biology teachers...
And I find it quite similar now. Could I be a priest? Yes... I feel that in my heart, and there are many, many people that tell me the same thing... and I know I could be a great one, and make a difference in my community, but... my heart just isn't in it. Where does my heart lie? Marriage, and family, and a wife and children.
Something else I don't ever let on to people? There is but one real thing that I want out of life, and I will be the happiest man on earth should I get it... and what is that? And loving wife, and a few loving children that she and I can raise in wonderful home. That's it. That's all I ask for. That's the bargain that I make with God... I will do anything, anywhere, any time for Him and for what He needs from me, and that is all I want.
Which makes contemplating the priesthood even stranger, because then I will be denied that dream... and yet, have it replaced by a Wife (the Church) and a family (my parishoners) of even greater size...
It's just... difficult... to now know what your heart is calling you too. (And I just gave a talk this weekend on the same subject! Blast!)...
There are other things afoot in my social life that I hesitate to even think about, given the events in that arena in the past six months... I don't know what to make of anything any more, and simply refuse to let it dominate my thoughts any more than it already does...
Also, concerning personality... have you ever had a day, a moment, a week, where you felt something within yourself change? I commented on it in a previous post, but... yes... something within me changed... and as the days pass, I'm learning more and more exactly what it is, but it still doesn't make much sense... to put simply, it's like I'm finally being called to be a public example of what I do, rather than a private one; like part of me is finally wanting to take that step and be the leader that people have been expecting from me since I was 10...
I don't know... there are so many thoughts and ideas and feelings flitting about right now, I don't know what to do about any of them... except go, pray, sleep, and see where they lead...
Good night everyone...
PAX CHRISTI
My vocation.
Yeah. I think about the priesthood a lot more than I let on to anyone that I talk to. Why do I not admit it? I don't really know... probably because I'm not sure about any of it right now... it makes me think of back in high school, where all of my teachers were pulling at me to major in something in their field; not because they had this weird ego trip thing going, but because I really was that damn good at everything that I did. Mrs. Keller was pulling very, very hard for me to go into medicine, because I knew Biology better than everyone at school except for her and the other biology teachers...
And I find it quite similar now. Could I be a priest? Yes... I feel that in my heart, and there are many, many people that tell me the same thing... and I know I could be a great one, and make a difference in my community, but... my heart just isn't in it. Where does my heart lie? Marriage, and family, and a wife and children.
Something else I don't ever let on to people? There is but one real thing that I want out of life, and I will be the happiest man on earth should I get it... and what is that? And loving wife, and a few loving children that she and I can raise in wonderful home. That's it. That's all I ask for. That's the bargain that I make with God... I will do anything, anywhere, any time for Him and for what He needs from me, and that is all I want.
Which makes contemplating the priesthood even stranger, because then I will be denied that dream... and yet, have it replaced by a Wife (the Church) and a family (my parishoners) of even greater size...
It's just... difficult... to now know what your heart is calling you too. (And I just gave a talk this weekend on the same subject! Blast!)...
There are other things afoot in my social life that I hesitate to even think about, given the events in that arena in the past six months... I don't know what to make of anything any more, and simply refuse to let it dominate my thoughts any more than it already does...
Also, concerning personality... have you ever had a day, a moment, a week, where you felt something within yourself change? I commented on it in a previous post, but... yes... something within me changed... and as the days pass, I'm learning more and more exactly what it is, but it still doesn't make much sense... to put simply, it's like I'm finally being called to be a public example of what I do, rather than a private one; like part of me is finally wanting to take that step and be the leader that people have been expecting from me since I was 10...
I don't know... there are so many thoughts and ideas and feelings flitting about right now, I don't know what to do about any of them... except go, pray, sleep, and see where they lead...
Good night everyone...
PAX CHRISTI