3 weeks... eh, that's long enough...
So, I realized today that's it been a fairly long time since I've written a meaningful post.
I don't even know where to start with the update on my life... I guess the first place to start with is generalities, and proceed into specifics... So, general information, here we go.
First off, I'm been named Co-Director of SEARCH for the next year. And I am perfectly fine with admitting that I was scared to death of it when I said yes. Not because I'm afraid that it is going to overwhelm me or anything, but... I love the Team, the Retreat, and what we stand for. It's why I have put so much into it in the past two years of being on it... no, I'm scared because I want to see it succeed. I kinda had the feeling when I first came on that this would be something that I was going to leave my mark on before I left UA. How, I don't know, but I know that, deep in my heart, this is the most important thing that I have ever done in my life.
So here I am. A Co-Director.
My entire view of my role on team, and at St. Francis, and how I approach things just took a radical turn. You see, for the longest time, I've been the guy that people turned to in order to make sure something gets done. It's what I do. It's what I've always done. But... in those cases, I always lead and exerted my influence from the inside of what I was doing, lead by example, and never ask anyone to do anything that you wouldn't do yourself. And often, doing it with them is the best way to do it. But... I'm not able to do that now. Now, I'm leading from the outside. At that is something that I am having to get used to, bit by bit. Which has lead to some other things...
So, as with anything, I began thinking about how honored I was about the whole thing, and how completely unworthy I was to do this. And I got to thinking... "wait. if I was unworthy, I wouldn't BE Co-Director." Which led to a further analysis of my thought processes and such things, how I react to compliments, and I came to a rather unsettling conclusion.
That was, namely, that I have very little (in fact, close to zero) self-esteem when it comes to my personality and my... eh... social worth, I think is a good way to put it. Now, I have all the confidence in the world when it comes to my ability to do something, anything, no matter what it may be. You put me in charge of something, and it will get done. Come hell or high water...
But... if you ask me what I think about myself, and I will not tell you anything great. So many people tell me how nice, kind, cute, funny, warm, intelligent, insert-compliment-here, and I shrug it off. The first reason being that I really don't like to even attempt to let my ego absorb that stuff. The second being... well, I'm me. All the things I get complimented on are all second nature to me. It's not like I wake up in the morning and have to make a conscious effort to be the way that I am... it's second nature. It's completely natural. It would be like getting an award for breathing. You just do it, you don't put any thought in it... so that's made me think recently. I've never compared myself to other people, and I don't really know why. I just know that's it is something that I don't do. Maybe because I've always been a little smarter, or a little better, or maybe because the only way to really mark your own improvement is against yourself, I don't know, but... I know now that I have to look at myself against the backdrop of society.
That's also part of why I don't have a girlfriend at the moment... and why I've been quite unsuccessful at it recently... because, sometimes, getting a girl requires that you feel absolutely invincible and have the complete self-confidence that you are the best guy on the planet and that she is going to fall for you immediately.
I don't have that.
I don't know if I ever have. Or will.
So, I'm making my way through it... it's weird to think of that, weird to think of myself and realize that I have this little self-esteem problem. Or what is more likely a big one. But, at least I'm aware of it now. And I'm working on it. Making sure to remind myself, when I get a little down on myself, when I get frustrated with things, that God made me special. Very special. That I have more blessings and more talents that I can count, and that I am here right now as His instrument for the students here on campus, for the Church, and for the Search team.
Where do I go from here? I don't know. Am I still a little lonely most days, when I see so many of my friends dating and happy? Yeah. Do I let it get to me? Eh, I try not to, but it still happens... not too badly, but, it would really be nice some days to have someone that I could just share my heart and soul with. But that will come, in time...
Right now, I have other things to tend to. Like class. Like team. Like the people who need me to be... well, me right now. My own troubles can wait for a little while... they'll get fixed in due time. But right now, God needs me to do some other things at the moment...
I don't even know where to start with the update on my life... I guess the first place to start with is generalities, and proceed into specifics... So, general information, here we go.
First off, I'm been named Co-Director of SEARCH for the next year. And I am perfectly fine with admitting that I was scared to death of it when I said yes. Not because I'm afraid that it is going to overwhelm me or anything, but... I love the Team, the Retreat, and what we stand for. It's why I have put so much into it in the past two years of being on it... no, I'm scared because I want to see it succeed. I kinda had the feeling when I first came on that this would be something that I was going to leave my mark on before I left UA. How, I don't know, but I know that, deep in my heart, this is the most important thing that I have ever done in my life.
So here I am. A Co-Director.
My entire view of my role on team, and at St. Francis, and how I approach things just took a radical turn. You see, for the longest time, I've been the guy that people turned to in order to make sure something gets done. It's what I do. It's what I've always done. But... in those cases, I always lead and exerted my influence from the inside of what I was doing, lead by example, and never ask anyone to do anything that you wouldn't do yourself. And often, doing it with them is the best way to do it. But... I'm not able to do that now. Now, I'm leading from the outside. At that is something that I am having to get used to, bit by bit. Which has lead to some other things...
So, as with anything, I began thinking about how honored I was about the whole thing, and how completely unworthy I was to do this. And I got to thinking... "wait. if I was unworthy, I wouldn't BE Co-Director." Which led to a further analysis of my thought processes and such things, how I react to compliments, and I came to a rather unsettling conclusion.
That was, namely, that I have very little (in fact, close to zero) self-esteem when it comes to my personality and my... eh... social worth, I think is a good way to put it. Now, I have all the confidence in the world when it comes to my ability to do something, anything, no matter what it may be. You put me in charge of something, and it will get done. Come hell or high water...
But... if you ask me what I think about myself, and I will not tell you anything great. So many people tell me how nice, kind, cute, funny, warm, intelligent, insert-compliment-here, and I shrug it off. The first reason being that I really don't like to even attempt to let my ego absorb that stuff. The second being... well, I'm me. All the things I get complimented on are all second nature to me. It's not like I wake up in the morning and have to make a conscious effort to be the way that I am... it's second nature. It's completely natural. It would be like getting an award for breathing. You just do it, you don't put any thought in it... so that's made me think recently. I've never compared myself to other people, and I don't really know why. I just know that's it is something that I don't do. Maybe because I've always been a little smarter, or a little better, or maybe because the only way to really mark your own improvement is against yourself, I don't know, but... I know now that I have to look at myself against the backdrop of society.
That's also part of why I don't have a girlfriend at the moment... and why I've been quite unsuccessful at it recently... because, sometimes, getting a girl requires that you feel absolutely invincible and have the complete self-confidence that you are the best guy on the planet and that she is going to fall for you immediately.
I don't have that.
I don't know if I ever have. Or will.
So, I'm making my way through it... it's weird to think of that, weird to think of myself and realize that I have this little self-esteem problem. Or what is more likely a big one. But, at least I'm aware of it now. And I'm working on it. Making sure to remind myself, when I get a little down on myself, when I get frustrated with things, that God made me special. Very special. That I have more blessings and more talents that I can count, and that I am here right now as His instrument for the students here on campus, for the Church, and for the Search team.
Where do I go from here? I don't know. Am I still a little lonely most days, when I see so many of my friends dating and happy? Yeah. Do I let it get to me? Eh, I try not to, but it still happens... not too badly, but, it would really be nice some days to have someone that I could just share my heart and soul with. But that will come, in time...
Right now, I have other things to tend to. Like class. Like team. Like the people who need me to be... well, me right now. My own troubles can wait for a little while... they'll get fixed in due time. But right now, God needs me to do some other things at the moment...