Home alone...
... but without Macauly Culkin (thank GOD).
So, I'm at home this morning... kinda bored.... no, not kinda. Yeah, I'm bored. Waiting for 10:00 or so to roll around so I can call my grandmother and see what she's doing today so I can drop by and visit. Well, not drop by, because that implies that she lives somewhere nearby (I do not call at 45 minute drive to Baker, LA nearby).
In the meantime I've been passing the time since I have been home by doing... well... very little. Reading a bit, watched a couple movies, been shopping and to the dentist (I have a cavity and another thing that have to be sealed), and to the orthodontist this afternoon. Went out to dinner last night with the parents and the other grandmother...
And it's weird being home again, but for a different reason this time around. It's not that this isn't home any more... it's still home, it will always be home, but... I realized in the past few days that the me that exists back here isn't the me that I am any more. I've grown so very much since I've been in Tuscaloosa, and have now become something that my parents don't know about and don't see anything of. In Tuscaloosa, I'm a top student, helping out any and everyone with schoolwork, Co-Director of Search, extremely active in the campus ministry at St Fran, Mr. Dependable, Superman... etc, etc.
At home? I'm not. I'm just plain me... the unfulfilled, unremarkable me that went through high school with relative obscurity. It's... kind of depressing... because this time around, I really don't mind being home. The point of this trip was to come home, be bored, visit the family, and then go back to Tuscaloosa with an entertainment center that isn't being used at the moment... well... not really. And I'm bringing a TV too. Nonetheless...
Other than that... I'm really missing everyone back there... especially a certain someone ;o)
and I've come to a certain conclusion about that, too... or maybe a realization is a better way to term it... because I've been thinking, again, and me thinking is sometimes a very dangerous thing, but, moving on...
There exists a line between the idea of Love and the emotion of Infatuation; in reality, it is a very distinguishable line. Viewed from the side of Love, there is no misunderstanding what the difference is. Viewed from the side of Infatuation, the line seems to not exist in the first place. I believe this is a problem that I fell in a few relationships in my past, and probably many other people as well. The difficulty lies in picking apart what Infatuation is and what Love is.
Test #1: How do you feel when you part? When one of you leaves, either at any given night, or for a trip or something (gee, this sounds awfully familiar...).
Infatuation: a piece of you dies. You actually feel like a part of your heart has been removed and is in another place (I think this most likely applies to myself and Jenny when we started college... I think it faded over time, but...).
Love: you're at peace. You may not exactly like leaving, but you know that, no matter where you are, a piece of them is with you and a piece of you with them.
Before I go on, let me explain a little about what I'm getting at here, before I completely confuse everyone and do more harm than I would ever want to... I am simply pointing out the differences and trying to warn against the confusing of the two. Confusing Infatuation as Love is a very, very bad thing, and is, in my opinion, quite commonplace in society, and has lead to many, many unhappy endings. Let's define Infatuation, as I view it... I think of it as a step above a Crush. You're amazingly elated and happy to be with the person, and being with them puts you in an instant emotional high... but when they leave, you're equally likely to crash because they aren't there. Now, let me point out that when you are in Love, then this also happens... but not to the same degree. There is a difference between missing someone while they are gone and wanting to cry when they leave you in the evening (that's an extreme, I know, but you get the point...).
Also let me say that Infatuation sometimes grows into Love; in reality, you cannot have Love without a bit of Infatuation; but you can have a lot of Infatuation without the slightest bit of Love. So that's the catch that we find ourselves in... trying to figure out whether what we're feeling is real, truthful Love, or its cousin, Infatuation, that loves to borrow Love's clothing and parade around in disguise.
As for myself? I'm in Love... I don't doubt that right now. It's odd to think about it, how it happened, then why's of it, and how quickly it's progressed... it's amazing, and so amazing that part of me wants to doubt it.
But most of me doesn't. Not in the least.
I guess it's just that a small part of me remembers those last few relationships that fell apart on me, and I simply afraid of it happening again... even though I have no reason to doubt it in the least, because my girlfriend loves me more than anything else on the planet and would never leave me ;-)
[EDITED]
I forgot to add the thought that was the basis of this little exposition... a thought on how love differs from Infatuation when you're away...
with Love... you miss then when they aren't there not because they simply aren't there... but because everything is better when they are.
There. That's that. And I'm driving home Thursday night instead of Friday (yay employment!)
So, I'm at home this morning... kinda bored.... no, not kinda. Yeah, I'm bored. Waiting for 10:00 or so to roll around so I can call my grandmother and see what she's doing today so I can drop by and visit. Well, not drop by, because that implies that she lives somewhere nearby (I do not call at 45 minute drive to Baker, LA nearby).
In the meantime I've been passing the time since I have been home by doing... well... very little. Reading a bit, watched a couple movies, been shopping and to the dentist (I have a cavity and another thing that have to be sealed), and to the orthodontist this afternoon. Went out to dinner last night with the parents and the other grandmother...
And it's weird being home again, but for a different reason this time around. It's not that this isn't home any more... it's still home, it will always be home, but... I realized in the past few days that the me that exists back here isn't the me that I am any more. I've grown so very much since I've been in Tuscaloosa, and have now become something that my parents don't know about and don't see anything of. In Tuscaloosa, I'm a top student, helping out any and everyone with schoolwork, Co-Director of Search, extremely active in the campus ministry at St Fran, Mr. Dependable, Superman... etc, etc.
At home? I'm not. I'm just plain me... the unfulfilled, unremarkable me that went through high school with relative obscurity. It's... kind of depressing... because this time around, I really don't mind being home. The point of this trip was to come home, be bored, visit the family, and then go back to Tuscaloosa with an entertainment center that isn't being used at the moment... well... not really. And I'm bringing a TV too. Nonetheless...
Other than that... I'm really missing everyone back there... especially a certain someone ;o)
and I've come to a certain conclusion about that, too... or maybe a realization is a better way to term it... because I've been thinking, again, and me thinking is sometimes a very dangerous thing, but, moving on...
There exists a line between the idea of Love and the emotion of Infatuation; in reality, it is a very distinguishable line. Viewed from the side of Love, there is no misunderstanding what the difference is. Viewed from the side of Infatuation, the line seems to not exist in the first place. I believe this is a problem that I fell in a few relationships in my past, and probably many other people as well. The difficulty lies in picking apart what Infatuation is and what Love is.
Test #1: How do you feel when you part? When one of you leaves, either at any given night, or for a trip or something (gee, this sounds awfully familiar...).
Infatuation: a piece of you dies. You actually feel like a part of your heart has been removed and is in another place (I think this most likely applies to myself and Jenny when we started college... I think it faded over time, but...).
Love: you're at peace. You may not exactly like leaving, but you know that, no matter where you are, a piece of them is with you and a piece of you with them.
Before I go on, let me explain a little about what I'm getting at here, before I completely confuse everyone and do more harm than I would ever want to... I am simply pointing out the differences and trying to warn against the confusing of the two. Confusing Infatuation as Love is a very, very bad thing, and is, in my opinion, quite commonplace in society, and has lead to many, many unhappy endings. Let's define Infatuation, as I view it... I think of it as a step above a Crush. You're amazingly elated and happy to be with the person, and being with them puts you in an instant emotional high... but when they leave, you're equally likely to crash because they aren't there. Now, let me point out that when you are in Love, then this also happens... but not to the same degree. There is a difference between missing someone while they are gone and wanting to cry when they leave you in the evening (that's an extreme, I know, but you get the point...).
Also let me say that Infatuation sometimes grows into Love; in reality, you cannot have Love without a bit of Infatuation; but you can have a lot of Infatuation without the slightest bit of Love. So that's the catch that we find ourselves in... trying to figure out whether what we're feeling is real, truthful Love, or its cousin, Infatuation, that loves to borrow Love's clothing and parade around in disguise.
As for myself? I'm in Love... I don't doubt that right now. It's odd to think about it, how it happened, then why's of it, and how quickly it's progressed... it's amazing, and so amazing that part of me wants to doubt it.
But most of me doesn't. Not in the least.
I guess it's just that a small part of me remembers those last few relationships that fell apart on me, and I simply afraid of it happening again... even though I have no reason to doubt it in the least, because my girlfriend loves me more than anything else on the planet and would never leave me ;-)
[EDITED]
I forgot to add the thought that was the basis of this little exposition... a thought on how love differs from Infatuation when you're away...
with Love... you miss then when they aren't there not because they simply aren't there... but because everything is better when they are.
There. That's that. And I'm driving home Thursday night instead of Friday (yay employment!)