Of Faith, and Religion, and Life
This is just a collection of thoughts and feelings that have been floating around in my head recently... I am going to try and lay them out in an organized format, because they do follow a little bit of a path, but... we'll see...
I woke up this morning and continued reading in Wild at Heart, a great book by John Eldredge about what it means to be a good, Christian male. He's not Catholic, but... he's one of those guys that you read what he writes, and he gets it, and would be a great Catholic... he just... isn't.
I read that for a while and began to realize that, well... he talks in the book about men being broken, and having to work their way through their pain, their hurt, and to deal with their wound... and I realize that I did that, a year ago Christmas, when I had it out with my parents... that was the wound that I had, the feeling of inferiority that I always had- that no matter what I did, my parents were not going to let me grow up. That was the first step in becoming what I am now.
And what is that? I kept letting myself ponder it... and the best conclusion that I can come to, with the events of the past few weeks? I see myself a bit as Moses, leading the Jews through the desert... but not as Moses. Spiritual guide, yes, but... I see myself as a Knight (those of you that have been reading this journal for a loooong time know that I have this fascination with knighthood. Well, not fascination... on some level, it's part of what every man is called to be, but that's another post...).
I've had thoughts like that before... images, visions, visual representations of what is going on in my head, my heart, and my soul... but never before was there ever anyone else with me... It used to be me, standing on a cliff, looking out upon a city below. Now I see myself, standing in the desert, looking out into the sunset, an encampment behind me. Apparently, I am leading them... somewhere. Don't know where, but that's what it is. And as I stand there, looking out at the horizon, someone comes up behind me, wraps her arms my right arm and rests her head against my shoulder... yeah, that'd be Amanda. At some point, there was a transition, where I traveled from that cliff into that city, and took the lead. I am not sure what that city is... maybe Search Team? I don't know... but I know where I stand now, and it's just figuring things out from there... As for Amanda being there, that's just something that I have always longed for in my life... especially in a woman to love. Part of me always wanted that damsel-in-distress, the one that I could rush in and save and who would love her knight-in-shining-armor... but another part of me always knew that it wasn't what I needed. I needed a woman who would stand beside me and fight with me... who wouldn't necessarily need me to care for them, but could stand on her own and walk beside me in life... not being, and not ahead.
... this is all a part of the problem that, due to work, due to stress, due to too many things to do, my prayer life hasn't been as good as it should. And that is something that is unacceptable.
Prayer = good.
For anyone and everyone. And if you don't like thinking of it as prayer, call it meditation. Either way, it's healthy...
And yeah... I guess that's it... I just feel that this summer is finally the realization of something in my life that has been a long time coming, and that this is the first step into something... bigger. I just can't wait to find out what it is...
I woke up this morning and continued reading in Wild at Heart, a great book by John Eldredge about what it means to be a good, Christian male. He's not Catholic, but... he's one of those guys that you read what he writes, and he gets it, and would be a great Catholic... he just... isn't.
I read that for a while and began to realize that, well... he talks in the book about men being broken, and having to work their way through their pain, their hurt, and to deal with their wound... and I realize that I did that, a year ago Christmas, when I had it out with my parents... that was the wound that I had, the feeling of inferiority that I always had- that no matter what I did, my parents were not going to let me grow up. That was the first step in becoming what I am now.
And what is that? I kept letting myself ponder it... and the best conclusion that I can come to, with the events of the past few weeks? I see myself a bit as Moses, leading the Jews through the desert... but not as Moses. Spiritual guide, yes, but... I see myself as a Knight (those of you that have been reading this journal for a loooong time know that I have this fascination with knighthood. Well, not fascination... on some level, it's part of what every man is called to be, but that's another post...).
I've had thoughts like that before... images, visions, visual representations of what is going on in my head, my heart, and my soul... but never before was there ever anyone else with me... It used to be me, standing on a cliff, looking out upon a city below. Now I see myself, standing in the desert, looking out into the sunset, an encampment behind me. Apparently, I am leading them... somewhere. Don't know where, but that's what it is. And as I stand there, looking out at the horizon, someone comes up behind me, wraps her arms my right arm and rests her head against my shoulder... yeah, that'd be Amanda. At some point, there was a transition, where I traveled from that cliff into that city, and took the lead. I am not sure what that city is... maybe Search Team? I don't know... but I know where I stand now, and it's just figuring things out from there... As for Amanda being there, that's just something that I have always longed for in my life... especially in a woman to love. Part of me always wanted that damsel-in-distress, the one that I could rush in and save and who would love her knight-in-shining-armor... but another part of me always knew that it wasn't what I needed. I needed a woman who would stand beside me and fight with me... who wouldn't necessarily need me to care for them, but could stand on her own and walk beside me in life... not being, and not ahead.
... this is all a part of the problem that, due to work, due to stress, due to too many things to do, my prayer life hasn't been as good as it should. And that is something that is unacceptable.
Prayer = good.
For anyone and everyone. And if you don't like thinking of it as prayer, call it meditation. Either way, it's healthy...
And yeah... I guess that's it... I just feel that this summer is finally the realization of something in my life that has been a long time coming, and that this is the first step into something... bigger. I just can't wait to find out what it is...