Comments | phal_ken: c a r n i v a l

phal_ken

c a r n i v a l

Jun 28, 2006 10:38

c a r n i v a l
Drabbles 100 | #25: Strangers | 185 words
you're caught in this merry-go-round

( and you reach for the moon in hope that you’ll never have to land among the stars )

drabbles100

Comments 8

koriaena June 28 2006, 15:05:22 UTC

Seems really good to me! ^^

You asked for constructive criticism, so, um... "few times so long" sounds a little bit awkward, as in, I'm not quite sure what "so long" is meant to imply there. The only other thing I can think of is I'm not sure if that one tense change in the middle of the second paragraph, "They had tried" sounds right, as the rest of the drabble isn't in that tense.

phal_ken June 28 2006, 16:43:51 UTC

"few times so long" was meant to be awkward sounding in the sense that... it hasn't been a long time but it seems like a long time to him. Like.. the number is few but to him the time is long, does that make sense? And with regards to tense, the entire drabbl eis in present tense which you don't often see in stories, which is why it might sound a bit awkward to you ^^; The "had tried" in past show that their attempts are in the past and they aren no longer trying. I think. @__@ I hope the rest of the story is in present tense vecause it's supposed to be .__.;;

-GLOMPATTACKS- YAY for constru crit =D <3

koriaena June 28 2006, 16:49:00 UTC

That sorta makes sense now that you explain it. ^^; It wasn't the present tense that sounded awkward, just those two places, mostly. And with those explanations, its less awkward, I guess. Eh, whatever. Is good. ^-^

yoonhozo June 28 2006, 17:23:01 UTC

I love how you write long sentences. ^^ I was always harshly criticised by one of my English teachers for writing with long sentences, but I've never seen anything wrong with it. T.T You can get so much more out of what you're describing with long sentences.

To me short ones seem so elementary and lazy.

pho7be June 28 2006, 18:16:47 UTC

in my personal opinion (and if you don't have different opinions in writing, then what's it for?), there are perfect short sentences.

phal_ken June 28 2006, 19:34:41 UTC

Personally, I'm a big fan of long sentences too xD;; As you can see from this >>; But I also do agree with Perla unnie that there are a few PERFECT short sentences I've seen during comm stalking that make me go -GASPENVYSAVES- xD

I love long descriptions hands down though xDD they're so much fun to play with :D

*steps on your english teacher's head* >__> Boo.

pho7be June 28 2006, 18:19:03 UTC

ANYWAY

stacy i really liked this. this wasn't just blatant factual sentiments: the metaphors you used were really fitting. i liked how you took the idea of the stars and moon and compare the two to overachieving and a feeling of familiarity. i liked this ^^

phal_ken June 28 2006, 19:38:56 UTC

ZOMG you caught the metaphor Ilubbchu♥

It's been a while since Ilast wrote and I wasn't sure if I could get the point across anymore @_@ But it's summer-- if I don't practice my writing now when will I? xD

LSKJGA;-- SQUEE. I love love love your writing and you have no idea how much it means to me to see that you liked it =DDD ShouldIpostthesedrabblesonMiracle? >.