United Amidst A Great Divide Ch.13 - Better Left Unsaid

[phantom1015]

Hey! I know it’s been a long time between updates and I’m sorry for that, but school has started again so it cuts down on writing time. :( I also wanted to thank everyone for reviewing, favorite-ing, and putting this story on alert! I appreciate all of it and with writing multiple stories it has gotten harder to respond to all reviews individually! But thank you none the less!

This chapter brings in a big twist, and C and B are both sort of battling their own demons for different reasons…you’ll find out why! Thanks for reading!

Chapter 13 - Better Left Unsaid

Long, boring days passed in which nothing very significant happened. They walked along in the muggy weather until they couldn’t anymore, and collapsed in whatever shaded and soft grass they came across. But that was only until something significant did begin to happen.

After her first few bouts of dizziness, Blair and Chuck had both excused it as a side effect to the injury she had suffered some time before. But as it continued to worsen, instead of lessen with time, Blair began to fear that it was actually something much more serious. She hoped with everything she had that her worries were wrong, though she regrettably knew the odds were stacked against her and she felt it was entirely her fault.

As she lied awake with her head resting in the crook of Chuck’s arm, Blair absently watched the leaves rustling in the early morning breeze. They were still shadowed in dark green, she noticed; the sun was still buried beneath the horizon. She felt physically ill and the more she allowed herself to think, the more overwhelming it became. She berated herself on the inside, how could she have let this happen?

Chuck was resting his hand on her naked stomach and she just could not bear to imagine what the gesture could imply, if he had even known, so she carefully grasped his large fingers to move it to his chest. But even in his sleep he instinctively reached for her again, spreading his fingers wide over her skin.

Now she really felt sick. Chuck was a heavy sleeper and as Blair jostled around searching for his shirt to shrug on, he still did not wake. It made her escape from his side all the more easier.

Bile was rising in her throat as she tromped through the surrounding trees, trying to make it a fair distance away so as not to let Chuck hear her vomiting and retching. Soon Blair was crouching to her knees and heaving the contents of her stomach onto the dewy forest floor.

The act made her eyes tear, although it would have been just as easy for her to succumb to emotions and let them spill on her own. She was not going to let that happen though, because if she did Chuck would find out. She had been blindsided, but no, Blair thought to herself as she swiped at the moisture in her eyes, she would not - could not - tell him.

*****

Blair had thought that her first pregnancy would be expected, that she would be married to an adoring husband that she had captured with her feminine wiles, who would be overjoyed about the news of a child. She could have never imagined that she would be holding the father’s hand, a man she had only known a few weeks who had no idea of the fact, while she made an impromptu journey to New Orleans with him.

“You’re quiet this afternoon…” Chuck suddenly broke the silence that Blair hadn’t realized had been stretching on for so long.

“Oh, well, I guess I’m just feeling a bit tired is all.”

It was not a lie. Blair was tired, it was something that had been happening a lot as of late, but her mind was also churning with many different thoughts and that had left her little time to banter with Chuck.

He squeezed her hand lightly. “Are you feeling ill again?”

“No!” Blair swiftly interjected, sounding suspiciously defensive. “I mean, I feel fine, but I’m just tired.”

“Alright.” Chuck stated slowly. He was wearing an expression that showed that he probably knew more than Blair was letting on, but he would not pester her. “You’ll be sure to let me know if you need anything, won’t you?”

The simple statement immediately caused Blair’s throat to tighten with emotion. “Yes…” There were many things that she needed right now, but unfortunately, she was sure that Chuck could not give any of them to her. It was just touching to know that he was concerned.

One thing - no, one person - she desperately needed was her mother. Blair needed someone to confide in and the thought of having absolutely no one to do just that with, had her aching with an awful amount of stress. If her mother were there she would have wanted nothing more than to lay her head in her lap and cry out her fears, just as she used to do when she was only a young girl at Red Ridge. But back then her biggest crises had been whether to wear a blue gown or a red gown to the next dance, or how to best lure the county boys, or more importantly how to get rid of their clingy affections once she had tired of them.

Thinking about the normalcy of her past made her feel better, if only for a few moments until her present reality rushed back. Her mother was dead and it seemed that every good thing she had ever had was continually slipping away with her. She was not sure how many more aspects of her life could go wrong, but she was almost certain that this situation was the icing on an expensive, well-frosted cake.

Just imagining what people would say about her when she arrived in a new city - unmarried and with child - was frightening enough, beyond that was nearly unfathomable.

That was exactly the reason why she would not tell Chuck; she could not do that to him. If the citizens of Charleston talked about her then the gossip would only be the truth, but she would not stand by and let Chuck be brought down with her. That was his home, where he grew up. He would be newly reunited with his father and the last thing he would need was an outlandish scandal.

As much as it hurt for Blair to walk beside Chuck and weave their fingers together like nothing was amiss, without revealing the situation to him or how she felt, she knew it was for the better. For him, at least, and to her that mattered most. She would just have to quietly leave Charleston comforted by the fact that the man that she adored - no, loved she admitted to herself - would remain unscathed by her mistake.

*****

Chuck was feeling a bit unproductive as he waited, lying in the sun with his forearm slung over his eyes. It had to have been close to noon and he was used to expending his excess energy throughout the day or with a certain passionate woman; who happened to be lying next to him. In his mind, he really could not have gotten more lucky, but she was the whole reason as to why he was trying to wait patiently and stave off his boredom.

During the night, Chuck could sense Blair’s restlessness. He was not sure what had caused it, but he knew that something seemed to be bothering her throughout the past days. So, when he had woken at dusk and found that she had eventually dozed off he could not bring himself to wake her, she just looked too much at ease.

Uncovering his face, Chuck rolled his head to the side to see Blair in the same position in which he had initially found her. Part of her tanned face was covered by her arm lying in the way and it helped to conceal the now pinkish lines on her brow. He liked it better that way, because it made him feel too guilty to study her scarred features and know that it was the outcome of his unwise decisions.

A deep sigh rushed past his parted lips and thoughts of how he really needed to get to Charleston assaulted his mind, of how he really needed to take Blair to a real home. These thoughts always seemed to come when he let himself ponder over everything that had happened - specifically to her - during the course of their travels.

But, there was only one way to reach that destination and Chuck squinted into the sunlight one last time, before deciding it was time to leave and reaching out his hand.

“Blair, sweetheart, wake up…” Chuck very lightly trailed his fingertips down her neck and Blair abruptly woke, seeming somewhat disoriented. Dark eyes flitted around nervously, almost as if she was searching for something, or more correctly, remembering.

“Why didn’t you wake me sooner?” Blair questioned, wanting to know why Chuck stood by while she lazed their day away. Any unordinary occurrence and she was jumping to conclusions, thinking that she had been found out.

His features went blank for a moment. “You just seemed…” Chuck’s concerned sounding tone was then interrupted by his own smirk. “Well, why should I have?”

It was painfully apparent that Blair was already hiding something, so as Chuck slid his body over hers he tried to act like nothing was wrong. That maybe all of the recent nonsense was just beginning to get to her, and that after a few teasingly gentle kisses she would be as giggly and capricious as ever.

“What are you doing?” Blair asked, her voice coming out strained and a bit surprised as Chuck let his weight settle against her. The turn of his lips fell at her words; normally she knew exactly what his intentions were and was not hesitant to return them.

“Can’t I kiss you anymore?” He said softly, while picking himself up with his forearms to watch over her out of the ordinary behavior.

The brunette beneath him visible relaxed, but her half-hearted smile was discouraging. “If that’s what you want.”

Chuck could only imagine what his face must have looked like after that statement. Blair was not the type to let him get away with anything and the fact that she had not returned his question with some clever remark was odd in itself.

Arching his brow, Chuck tried to keep the situation light despite the slight sting her words had caused. “You know what I want…”

Blair bit her bottom lip in concentration, most likely forming the witty response he had expected earlier, but then suddenly it seemed to pass and she gave up. “Chuck, it’s just…”

“It’s just what?”

Blair cast her eyes away from Chuck and her hands came up to run along the knotted muscles of his back. “Nothing, it’s nothing.”

Studying Blair’s emotionless brown eyes, Chuck could not help but wonder what had transpired between them to cause such distance. When her expression did not change he lifted himself up, realizing that she was not having his advances and that she was going to keep pretending that whatever was bothering her, and now him, was just nothing.

*****

“You cannot be worn out already, Blair.” Chuck stated aloud, from his position several paces ahead.

Since their exchange that morning he could not shake the slight annoyance and aggravation he was feeling toward her and her slow gait was not aiding. He knew it was probably wrong of himself to feel that way, but having to carry on with a sullen, withdrawn Blair was frustrating beyond measure.

The brunette did not bother to answer; she just kept staring at her dust covered boots while counting the steps that her sore feet were taking. She was not just worn out, she was thoroughly exhausted, but she supposed that could only be expected under her circumstances. So, instead of voicing her complaints as she normally would, she continued to tally each footfall in her head while trying to ignore Chuck nagging her to catch up.

Chuck kept with his prodding and purposely walked faster, easily maneuvering over fallen logs and other obstacles. “Honestly, Blair. The war will be over by the time we ever arrive in New Orleans.”

“Will you leave me be!?” Blair suddenly shrieked, unable to listen to any more of Chuck’s chatter. Their surroundings seemed to hush under her outburst, while Chuck turned about in bewilderment. He only had time to take in her rigid stance and outraged face before her hand came up to bar any words he was about to spill.

“Don’t be angry with me over something that’s your own fault, Charles!” She spat the words with a venom that Chuck had yet to experience from her, and his face immediately darkened with indignation. But now that the dam had been broken, Blair was not going to be stopped so easily. “I don’t know why we didn’t just march right into stupid Charleston in the first place!”

Chuck was practically seething; the only person who called him by his full name was his father. He heard the rest of what she had said, but just hearing Blair enunciate that word with the same pure disgust that the only male role model in his life usually threw at him was enough to rapidly send him into a state of ire.

“Blair…” Chuck hissed as he began to stomp towards her, callously wishing that he knew of something to say to cut her down like she had unknowingly just done him. It did not even matter that he had no reasoning for her turn of emotions. “You know exactly the reason why. There are risks in being a deserter, risks that I would rather not take!”

By the time the last syllables left his mouth they were face to face and Blair was doing something that Chuck would have thought impressively bold if she had not been doing it to him. She was laughing at him, in a humorless, mocking tone that made his fingers twitch, just itching to grab her jaw and shut her up. He had a violent streak, no doubt, but he never thought that Blair would be in danger of bringing it out of him.

“Well maybe if you weren’t such a coward you wouldn’t have to hide yourself!”

The statement started as a haughty laugh and finished in a serious shout, but either way, Blair knew she should not have said it even as the words passed her lips. An apologetic expression flashed over her face, but Chuck’s hand was already in a vice around her wrist, making her reflexively move to put her elbow into his chest before an event from her still fresh memories could be repeated.

“Chuck, I -”

A hard shake from the other hand tightly gripped on her shoulder and Blair forgot what she had been trying to say. Chuck’s face was so close to hers that she could feel the warm puffs of breath escaping through his gritted teeth. She could also see the icy coldness in his eyes, which had never been present there before.

“I hope you never have to experience the horrors I’m running from, Blair…” Chuck whispered, sounding frighteningly calm as he moved his mouth close to her face, stirring her loose hair. Somewhere in a clearer part of his mind he knew she did not deserve to see this menacing side of him. “But maybe you still could.” His lips slowly brushed the shell of her ear and Blair’s heart began to thrum for all of the wrong reasons.

“If I’m honest, there’s really no place for you in Charleston anyway…”

Too late. She had seen it now, and shocked into stillness, Blair examined the harsh lines of Chuck’s face while his fingers dug into her arm. After all of the promises he made to her, she could not believe that of all things, he would hang that over her head. She was caught between varying emotions; vengeful of the underlying threat, helpless, and undeniably defeated. If he did not want her now, then there was no way he would want her if he knew of the secret she was carrying.

“Let me go.” Blair said, the utterance coming out in a much softer and timid voice than she had imagined in her mind. But she was trying so hard to appear unfazed, even while seconds away from falling apart.

When the grip on her wrist failed to release and she could not stand to feel Chuck’s dark eyes boring into her any longer, she became frantic. “I said let me go!”

With a quick disgusted motion, Chuck shoved himself away allowing Blair to stumble out of his grasp. She held her wrist against her chest, not even feeling the slight throb beneath her skin as she watched Chuck’s tense figure briskly walking away.

The trembling of her lower lip was happening of its own accord, and as her pulse began to slow and the reality of the situation began to set in, she really could not find the sense in trying to stop it. Her eyes were burning warmly with unshed tears and since all she could see through her blurred vision was Chuck continuing to move further away, she did not bother to hold those back either.

The very tangible fear of being left alone wormed its way into her head and although she might have thought it better to never follow Chuck again, her feet would not obey.

He was some distance ahead and showing no signs of slowing down, instead using his pounding adrenaline to crash his way through the thick forest. All of the noise he was creating made it easy for Blair to keep him in sight, while at the same time not letting him hear all of the gasping and crying she was doing.

Thinking about the words repeating in her head, Blair almost did not realize when Chuck abruptly stopped and dropped down against the trunk of a weathered, moss covered tree.

“What are you doing?” Blair asked, nearing him and delicately trying to swipe the liquid coating her cheeks with the heel of her hand. Her voice was obviously thick and rasped with emotion and even though it was not difficult to detect she would have rather not given Chuck the satisfaction of seeing what he had done.

From beneath his lowered brows, Chuck deliberately pointed his hardened eyes to the woman standing in front of him before sweeping them towards his extended limb. At the end of his arm his hand was casually gesturing to the beaten down road cutting the dense vegetation only some yards away. It would have been noticeable to anyone of sound mind, but Blair was not denying that at the present she could care less about her surroundings.

“You might take care in composing yourself,” stated Chuck with an air of detachedness about him, “I’d rather not be any more conspicuous than we unfortunately already are.”

He knew it was cruel and that was exactly why he decided to study a small knick on his finger instead of Blair’s reaction. It had always been second nature to push people away and act like nothing affected him. He thought he had shed that aspect of his persona; at least he had tried very hard to do so around Blair. She had been a fresh start, someone who knew nothing of his crass behavior from before he enlisted in the military. But it seemed that it only took time before he disappointed her and himself.

Her voice could not be trusted to work properly and she feared saying the wrong thing, so Blair decided to say nothing at all. She would have liked to collapse on the ground, close her eyes, and will all existence of Chuck Bass from her head. But he had other plans, plans that she was surprised that she was included in.

“Come on, Bl-” Chuck stopped himself and let her name die on his lips. Blair’s senses perked when his fingertips brushed past her own, but that was all it had been - a fleeting touch. It was just meant to get her attention and nothing more.

Blair wondered where her stubborn independence had gone. Normally, she would have never let someone - especially a man - treat her so poorly. She was the one who broke the hearts and sweetly grated on everyone’s nerves. This was not Blair Waldorf, or was it? She felt so lost amongst everything that she could not even be sure anymore.

The road wound under their feet and then led into a clearing, where it became apparent that it was not a road, but in fact, the overgrown drive of a once beautiful and ornate manor. Spanish moss clung to its columns where it spilled from the trees and years of neglect had left it unshorn. Every window lining the veranda had been stripped of its panes, the evidence lying on the floorboards. Sliver-like shards of glass were strewn around, and they squealed and crunched under the weight of Chuck’s boots.

“Give me your hand.” Chuck demanded, breaking into Blair’s visual exploration of the house’s pitiful outsides.

Stepping forward, she forgot for a moment how upset she was and let him assist her over the broken stairs. “Why are we here?” She questioned, not even looking at Chuck, but at the grayish soot that had collected on some of the window sills.

“No reason…”

Chuck let go of her hand and Blair’s face fell, only not from the loss of contact. She was horrifyingly fascinated by the shell of a house around her. She walked carefully around the brittle pieces below; she did not want to hear it breaking. It felt like she had no right to disturb the quietness with such harsh noises.

The distinct sound of wood splintering into pieces assaulted her ears as she moved through the threshold that should have contained a door. Chuck was standing on the upper landing of a staircase and breaking out the banisters with downward kicks of his foot, then throwing the scraps of wood over the rail to the floor below.

“Chuck…stop.” Blair called to him lightly. It was unsettling to see how he could go about destroying what was once someone’s home without a care, even though the previous damage was already irreparable.

“I want to make a fire. Why should I stop?” Chuck asked with a poignant look, before busting out another rung.

As she took in the sight of the blackened areas on the no longer gleaming hardwood floors where other small fires had been lit, Blair nodded in understanding. She knew it might be a failed attempt but she wanted to try anyway. “Because, I want you to.”

Chuck snorted in sarcastic amusement and continued his task with renewed ferocity. “Well, that’s too bad.”

“Please…”

He gave one last kick before dramatically ceasing his actions, and then glaring at Blair all the way down the stairs until he shrugged past her and walked out the doorway. His patience was already drawn taut and he would rather traipse through the forest looking for firewood than listen to Blair’s whining.

Once Chuck had so animatedly excused himself, Blair breathed out a sad sigh and ventured further into the empty house. The first room on her left was a large drawing room; at least that was what she pictured it had been before it was abandoned to the elements, soldiers, and stray wanderers, because aside from the dust and debris of broken furniture, there was nothing in the room that would make it identifiable with a proper title.

It was all too depressing to take in the situation around her and deciding that she did not wish to see any more than the gutted drawing room, Blair quietly sat against a wall on the scraps of an unraveling rug.

She brought her knees to her chest and crossed her arms over them. There was so much to think about, yet she would rather sit numbly than conjure up the strength to do so. She could hardly comprehend all of what had happened that day.

To distract herself, Blair allowed something not far from her side to catch her eye. A shattered plate of glass. Gently, she grasped one of the larger pieces between her fingertips, being careful so as not to let the sharp edges slice into her skin. If she angled its surface just right she could see an image of her face reflecting back, and it was none too pleasing.

This was the first time Blair had seen herself since her injury had taken place and it was not as serious as she was imagining it to be. But combined with her bloodshot, red rimmed eyes and the streaky trails from tears running down her face, it was enough for her to send the glass skittering and fragmenting across the floor; breaking just like she was.

Outside, Chuck’s guilt was beginning to push his initial anger out of his thoughts. How could he not have known the reason why she did not want to see him dismantle someone else’s house? Of course it reminded her of her own home! And he wanted to tear out his own traitorous tongue after he had let so many hurtful words slip past it! Blair had set him off, but the entire culmination of his stress and worries had provoked an intense, unnecessary reaction.

None of the things he had told her were true. They were the complete opposite, and that was frightening for Chuck. The last thing he would ever want was for her to be alone again and she most definitely had a place in Charleston - with him. Emotions like this did not come naturally for him, actually he had never felt emotions like this at all and he was struggling against another part of himself to not push Blair away.

The air was beginning to chill and as the mocking birds called eerily from the trees, Chuck realized that he was already leaving Blair alone. He broke into a sprint across the unkempt lawn, easily hoisting himself onto the porch and through the doorway. He was going to fix his mistakes before it was too late and he was going to find what was bothering Blair, because if he was really honest, he wanted nothing more than to help her and be with her.

“Blair…” Chuck called softly and his voice sounded hollow in the openness of the house.

When he received no answer he made his way to the nearest room and with the little amount of light still left in the dusky sky he found Blair lying on the floor on her side, fast asleep with one arm wrapped around her stomach.

“Blair…” He tried again as he lowered himself down beside her. He wanted to apologize right away, but when she did not stir it seemed that it would have to wait. First thing, when she wakes in the morning, he told himself.

Chuck worked open the buttons of his jacket and pulled his arms from the sleeves, before laying the thick cloth over the sleeping brunette’s torso. Then his fingers buried themselves in the silky waves spilling behind her shoulders and he rested his head on the wall, closing his eyes.