What my thoughts sound like right now
Old poems of mine are stuck in my head. These have all been posted on here before at some point, but I even the most recent was a year ago, so I don't think it will feel too repetitive. In the order they were written, all from memory...
"I'll loosen my mask up
You'll take off a glove
We'll smile at each other
And call this thing love
Though you don't speak Spanish
And I won't learn French
That shovel's familiar-
We've dug the same trench."
This one was written... probably about two years ago. When Overtones printed it, they changed "Spanish" to "German" - with my permission, of course, and I guess it sort of made more sense that way. But in my head it's still Spanish.
I worried then (as I do now) that relationships aren't actually about knowing and caring for other people. They're about having a hole in your life, and finding someone with a similar hole, and it doesn't matter who as long as they'll let you feel less alone. Originally for Lewis.
"I'm the girl who cried for Judas
Phony red-head, missed my bus
Picture pretty, thinks he built this
Maybe it's not worth the fuss.
"Eat an apple, pick some flowers,
I'm the girl who kissed Eve's snake.
Knows he's funny, talks for hours
Maybe it's a big mistake.
"Keep a secret, love a voyeur
Pseudo-hero, cut my hair
I'm the girl, Delilah's lawyer
Maybe he's not really there."
Laura actually wrote music for this one (which I found quite flattering; maybe I should poke her to record it). It's about trusting the wrong people, and about silence and compliance, and how in the end you're accountable to no one but yourself. It's also, in a way, about the "wrong" people being worthy of defense and/or compassion. Originally for Lewis.
"On days when breath is crystal vapor
Offer me a golden hoax.
For someone made of ink and paper
Saviors are just pencil strokes.
"You're pretty clever for a guru
Still I fear you'd let me down
So clear, and yet I can't see through you:
Save my life or let me drown?"
I remember when I first posted this one, Ian commented with "It's obvious what you're thinking about," and then, as far as I can tell, totally had no idea what I was actually thinking about. This one is about wanting to trust people, and to trust ideals, despite being a mess who is hard to reach. Originally for Chris. (Speaking of whom... I'm sad that I didn't get home one night sooner to see Poetry Night. He was probably reading, and he was probably awesome. Oh well.)
"We take a breath together and our exhalations mix-
Your exaltation fades within my eyes.
You're pulling on my kisses for a quick and dirty fix,
I'm tapping out the meter in grey skies.
"And did you ever know I like the raindrops
That whisper at my window through the night?
And have you guessed I don't know where this train stops,
Or whether this was ever worth the fight?
"You say that only one of us will make it out alive.
I smile because I know it won't be me.
I guess I never nurtured the right nature to survive,
But letting go is how you know you're free.
"And did I ever tell you I'm a liar?
I'll bet you never tasted my deceit.
And have you ever seen the woods on fire?
I'll raise my head, defiant in defeat."
This one is about being alone, and about being free to not be who people think you are, and about having been wrong and being okay with it, and being okay with everything. It's not worth the fight. Originally for Ian.
Sometimes I think my poetry has gotten worse over time. Maybe because Lewis was the best inspiration I've had, so things sounded better closer to that? Or maybe the newer ones aren't actually any worse. "shrug*
Maybe one day I'll start writing actual poems again.
"I'll loosen my mask up
You'll take off a glove
We'll smile at each other
And call this thing love
Though you don't speak Spanish
And I won't learn French
That shovel's familiar-
We've dug the same trench."
This one was written... probably about two years ago. When Overtones printed it, they changed "Spanish" to "German" - with my permission, of course, and I guess it sort of made more sense that way. But in my head it's still Spanish.
I worried then (as I do now) that relationships aren't actually about knowing and caring for other people. They're about having a hole in your life, and finding someone with a similar hole, and it doesn't matter who as long as they'll let you feel less alone. Originally for Lewis.
"I'm the girl who cried for Judas
Phony red-head, missed my bus
Picture pretty, thinks he built this
Maybe it's not worth the fuss.
"Eat an apple, pick some flowers,
I'm the girl who kissed Eve's snake.
Knows he's funny, talks for hours
Maybe it's a big mistake.
"Keep a secret, love a voyeur
Pseudo-hero, cut my hair
I'm the girl, Delilah's lawyer
Maybe he's not really there."
Laura actually wrote music for this one (which I found quite flattering; maybe I should poke her to record it). It's about trusting the wrong people, and about silence and compliance, and how in the end you're accountable to no one but yourself. It's also, in a way, about the "wrong" people being worthy of defense and/or compassion. Originally for Lewis.
"On days when breath is crystal vapor
Offer me a golden hoax.
For someone made of ink and paper
Saviors are just pencil strokes.
"You're pretty clever for a guru
Still I fear you'd let me down
So clear, and yet I can't see through you:
Save my life or let me drown?"
I remember when I first posted this one, Ian commented with "It's obvious what you're thinking about," and then, as far as I can tell, totally had no idea what I was actually thinking about. This one is about wanting to trust people, and to trust ideals, despite being a mess who is hard to reach. Originally for Chris. (Speaking of whom... I'm sad that I didn't get home one night sooner to see Poetry Night. He was probably reading, and he was probably awesome. Oh well.)
"We take a breath together and our exhalations mix-
Your exaltation fades within my eyes.
You're pulling on my kisses for a quick and dirty fix,
I'm tapping out the meter in grey skies.
"And did you ever know I like the raindrops
That whisper at my window through the night?
And have you guessed I don't know where this train stops,
Or whether this was ever worth the fight?
"You say that only one of us will make it out alive.
I smile because I know it won't be me.
I guess I never nurtured the right nature to survive,
But letting go is how you know you're free.
"And did I ever tell you I'm a liar?
I'll bet you never tasted my deceit.
And have you ever seen the woods on fire?
I'll raise my head, defiant in defeat."
This one is about being alone, and about being free to not be who people think you are, and about having been wrong and being okay with it, and being okay with everything. It's not worth the fight. Originally for Ian.
Sometimes I think my poetry has gotten worse over time. Maybe because Lewis was the best inspiration I've had, so things sounded better closer to that? Or maybe the newer ones aren't actually any worse. "shrug*
Maybe one day I'll start writing actual poems again.