Fic: "Fade to Black", Buffy/Giles, chapter 10/10, STRONG ANGST! UNHAPPY ENDING!
“Miss? Miss, are you alright?” the attendant shook her worriedly. She knew the girl often slept here, and that the staff in general had grown accustomed to it and largely ignored it, but there was something unnatural about the way the blonde was slumped forward in the chair.
Buffy felt the hand on her shoulder and struggled to pull herself awake.
“You’re bleeding,” the other woman commented with concern as she indicated her own mouth to demonstrate where.
Buffy reached up a hand and scrubbed away the dried trickle at the corner. “It’s nothing.” Then the situation hit her. “How long have I been here?” she asked, voice shriller.
“Several hours. We didn’t want to bother you when we changed the bags.”
Several hours. Her mind raced as a glance at her watch confirmed it. She’d only been with him about thirty minutes, so the force of being expelled so violently must have knocked her out somehow. She had to get to him.
“Thank you. Anything else you need to do for him soon?” she asked, praying for the opportunity at some privacy.
The attendant shook her head. “Not that I know of.” The look she gave Buffy was sympathetic and she tried to make small talk, but Buffy did her best to usher the other woman out of the room as quickly as possible. Finally, she succeeded.
Desperately, the Slayer clutched the crystal and curled both their hands around it, willing for it to turn the blue that would signal she could visit her Watcher. At first, nothing happened. Then a wisp of smoke seemed to swirl around inside the crystal, faint and grey. Her heart raced and she gripped tighter, not even noticing that she was driving its ragged base into the palm of his hand and drawing blood. A slight trickle of sickly bluish green finally began to spread like a hairline crack and slowly dissipated outward. Buffy wasn’t sure exactly what it meant, but she decided it was going to have to be good enough.
Steeling herself, she began the chant that would let her enter his mind once more.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The door was there, waiting for her, and she flung it open throwing herself directly into the moonlit field that seemed to stretch endlessly. The shed from which she’d emerged seemed to have been an afterthought, thrown in strictly for the express purpose of providing her a way in. A gale howled around her and the long grass whipped at her legs, the dew quickly soaking through her jeans up to the knees. Buffy noticed none of these things, however, as her heart raced and she scanned the horizon for him. By the time she spotted her Watcher, he was already racing toward her, and she adjusted her trajectory slightly to meet him.
She heard him call out her name, and screamed his in return even as she saw the shadow demon bearing down on him, the storm echoing its shrieking, gleeful laughter as it recognized her.
Giles reached her, and their bodies slammed together as she wrapped her arms around him, facing up to the creature that had plagued him for so long now. It swirled down and dissipated its form around them to increase the darkness and bolster the wind as it whipped around them howling and shrieking, threatening to tear them apart. Desperately she clung to the man she loved, frantically trying to hold him close enough that she would never have to let go as she dug her head into his chest. “NO! You can’t have him!” she called out as forcefully as she could. “You CAN’T! I won’t let you. I WON’T LET YOU!” she screamed over and over again, letting the cutting air tear the words from her throat until it was raw.
Giles understood and used all of his own force to return her desperate embrace, ignoring the pain her strength was inflicting on him. The rueful thought that she was so physically strong, even in the power of his mind cut briefly through the panic and terror of it.
Leaning his head down to ear, he yelled her name even as the gale tried to blow her hair up into his mouth. “It’s alright, Buffy!”
She moved her head against his chest to stare up at him, eyes bright as much from the stinging wind as from her own pain. “No, it’s not! I can’t lose you! Not like this.”
The faint features of the world his mind had created around them continued to dim, fading to blank, even darkness as the wind consumed it all quite hungrily, tearing at their clothes, whipping their hair, burning them raw with its force as it attempted to throw them to the ground. Only the physical manifestation of Giles himself remained solid and visible, though Buffy found herself wondering how long he could last-and how long she could hold him into being.
“You can’t stop this…not now,” he shouted back to her over the roar.
She kept her arms around his lower waist, but pushed herself away from his chest enough to look at him fully. “NO! I can’t go on without you…or at least I don’t want to, anyway. I need you, and, and, Giles? I’m not afraid anymore. I love you, and I was so stupid…so afraid, because with you it really matters. I love you, Giles, and…” but Buffy never got to finish her sentence as he captured her lips with his own.
Her words had been a gift to him, filling his heart and erasing the terror of the moment with a joy so overwhelming it was almost painful, made infinitely moreso by the crushingly devastating knowledge that it could never truly be, simply because there wasn’t time…not now. Provided Buffy’s statements were true, Giles meant to take advantage of the few seconds they had left.
Frenetically, they both sought as if to truly meld two into one, as their bodies continued to press together and their mouths met each other openly. Together they drew from each other as deeply as they could, each knowing the other was doing the same, even as both realized that their first true kiss would also be the last. Their lips grew accustomed quickly and welcomed each other as old friends, their tongues touching in greeting.
As the bruising, violent passion of their embrace continued, Buffy noticed his outline start to dim, and the sorrow washed over her as she closed her eyes so she wouldn’t have to watch as they continued to do all they could to make the last moments count. Now, she was truly vulnerable to him, and to herself. They said ‘better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all,’ but whoever they were, they lied, she knew. The problem was, she did love him, and had for quite some time, even if she was just now allowing herself to realize it. Even as she felt the joy in their desperate last moments, she felt the despair as well-and it hurt like hell, tearing her world at its very base.
Slowly, Giles began to lose substance, the force of his physical love for her growing softer and softer until it whispered against her and she opened her eyes just in time to hear the last of the wind ceased its raging tempest to blow itself quietly out across the blank emptiness that met her.
“I love you,” Buffy whispered, allowing her words to be swallowed by the very silence they broke.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Buffy leaned over the bed and hugged its occupant as the sobs wracked her body. It was the first time since she’d first found a way to contact him that she’d let herself cry, but even letting it bubble up to the surface did nothing to dispel the pain and grief of letting him go.
Her world seemed grey now, devoid of the life and color it had previously held, and Buffy resolved that it always would. If the man whom she loved and who loved her with all his heart in return could no longer live in the real world, partaking in its light and joy, she didn’t deserve to either.
Where he was…the joys had been hollow, but the pain and the suffering so very real. It haunted her to think that he might still be there now, still there but beyond her reach, waiting forever in hopeless, empty torment for the moment he would wake up, though in all likelihood, now he never would. Now his soul’s fate was sealed, and whether the empty body lived or died made no appreciable difference. The most she could hope for was that his hell had not followed him and that his world truly had faded to black, as it had for her; that he could rest, safe from the agony and loneliness, embraced by the oblivion forever.
END: 05/23/04
Buffy felt the hand on her shoulder and struggled to pull herself awake.
“You’re bleeding,” the other woman commented with concern as she indicated her own mouth to demonstrate where.
Buffy reached up a hand and scrubbed away the dried trickle at the corner. “It’s nothing.” Then the situation hit her. “How long have I been here?” she asked, voice shriller.
“Several hours. We didn’t want to bother you when we changed the bags.”
Several hours. Her mind raced as a glance at her watch confirmed it. She’d only been with him about thirty minutes, so the force of being expelled so violently must have knocked her out somehow. She had to get to him.
“Thank you. Anything else you need to do for him soon?” she asked, praying for the opportunity at some privacy.
The attendant shook her head. “Not that I know of.” The look she gave Buffy was sympathetic and she tried to make small talk, but Buffy did her best to usher the other woman out of the room as quickly as possible. Finally, she succeeded.
Desperately, the Slayer clutched the crystal and curled both their hands around it, willing for it to turn the blue that would signal she could visit her Watcher. At first, nothing happened. Then a wisp of smoke seemed to swirl around inside the crystal, faint and grey. Her heart raced and she gripped tighter, not even noticing that she was driving its ragged base into the palm of his hand and drawing blood. A slight trickle of sickly bluish green finally began to spread like a hairline crack and slowly dissipated outward. Buffy wasn’t sure exactly what it meant, but she decided it was going to have to be good enough.
Steeling herself, she began the chant that would let her enter his mind once more.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The door was there, waiting for her, and she flung it open throwing herself directly into the moonlit field that seemed to stretch endlessly. The shed from which she’d emerged seemed to have been an afterthought, thrown in strictly for the express purpose of providing her a way in. A gale howled around her and the long grass whipped at her legs, the dew quickly soaking through her jeans up to the knees. Buffy noticed none of these things, however, as her heart raced and she scanned the horizon for him. By the time she spotted her Watcher, he was already racing toward her, and she adjusted her trajectory slightly to meet him.
She heard him call out her name, and screamed his in return even as she saw the shadow demon bearing down on him, the storm echoing its shrieking, gleeful laughter as it recognized her.
Giles reached her, and their bodies slammed together as she wrapped her arms around him, facing up to the creature that had plagued him for so long now. It swirled down and dissipated its form around them to increase the darkness and bolster the wind as it whipped around them howling and shrieking, threatening to tear them apart. Desperately she clung to the man she loved, frantically trying to hold him close enough that she would never have to let go as she dug her head into his chest. “NO! You can’t have him!” she called out as forcefully as she could. “You CAN’T! I won’t let you. I WON’T LET YOU!” she screamed over and over again, letting the cutting air tear the words from her throat until it was raw.
Giles understood and used all of his own force to return her desperate embrace, ignoring the pain her strength was inflicting on him. The rueful thought that she was so physically strong, even in the power of his mind cut briefly through the panic and terror of it.
Leaning his head down to ear, he yelled her name even as the gale tried to blow her hair up into his mouth. “It’s alright, Buffy!”
She moved her head against his chest to stare up at him, eyes bright as much from the stinging wind as from her own pain. “No, it’s not! I can’t lose you! Not like this.”
The faint features of the world his mind had created around them continued to dim, fading to blank, even darkness as the wind consumed it all quite hungrily, tearing at their clothes, whipping their hair, burning them raw with its force as it attempted to throw them to the ground. Only the physical manifestation of Giles himself remained solid and visible, though Buffy found herself wondering how long he could last-and how long she could hold him into being.
“You can’t stop this…not now,” he shouted back to her over the roar.
She kept her arms around his lower waist, but pushed herself away from his chest enough to look at him fully. “NO! I can’t go on without you…or at least I don’t want to, anyway. I need you, and, and, Giles? I’m not afraid anymore. I love you, and I was so stupid…so afraid, because with you it really matters. I love you, Giles, and…” but Buffy never got to finish her sentence as he captured her lips with his own.
Her words had been a gift to him, filling his heart and erasing the terror of the moment with a joy so overwhelming it was almost painful, made infinitely moreso by the crushingly devastating knowledge that it could never truly be, simply because there wasn’t time…not now. Provided Buffy’s statements were true, Giles meant to take advantage of the few seconds they had left.
Frenetically, they both sought as if to truly meld two into one, as their bodies continued to press together and their mouths met each other openly. Together they drew from each other as deeply as they could, each knowing the other was doing the same, even as both realized that their first true kiss would also be the last. Their lips grew accustomed quickly and welcomed each other as old friends, their tongues touching in greeting.
As the bruising, violent passion of their embrace continued, Buffy noticed his outline start to dim, and the sorrow washed over her as she closed her eyes so she wouldn’t have to watch as they continued to do all they could to make the last moments count. Now, she was truly vulnerable to him, and to herself. They said ‘better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all,’ but whoever they were, they lied, she knew. The problem was, she did love him, and had for quite some time, even if she was just now allowing herself to realize it. Even as she felt the joy in their desperate last moments, she felt the despair as well-and it hurt like hell, tearing her world at its very base.
Slowly, Giles began to lose substance, the force of his physical love for her growing softer and softer until it whispered against her and she opened her eyes just in time to hear the last of the wind ceased its raging tempest to blow itself quietly out across the blank emptiness that met her.
“I love you,” Buffy whispered, allowing her words to be swallowed by the very silence they broke.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Buffy leaned over the bed and hugged its occupant as the sobs wracked her body. It was the first time since she’d first found a way to contact him that she’d let herself cry, but even letting it bubble up to the surface did nothing to dispel the pain and grief of letting him go.
Her world seemed grey now, devoid of the life and color it had previously held, and Buffy resolved that it always would. If the man whom she loved and who loved her with all his heart in return could no longer live in the real world, partaking in its light and joy, she didn’t deserve to either.
Where he was…the joys had been hollow, but the pain and the suffering so very real. It haunted her to think that he might still be there now, still there but beyond her reach, waiting forever in hopeless, empty torment for the moment he would wake up, though in all likelihood, now he never would. Now his soul’s fate was sealed, and whether the empty body lived or died made no appreciable difference. The most she could hope for was that his hell had not followed him and that his world truly had faded to black, as it had for her; that he could rest, safe from the agony and loneliness, embraced by the oblivion forever.
END: 05/23/04