Fic: "Fade to Black", Buffy/Giles, chapter 7/10, STRONG ANGST! UNHAPPY ENDING!
The setting was familiar and neutral-their house in Cleveland-but she knew that didn’t necessarily make it safe. Still, when no immediate threat presented itself, and she spotted him sitting at the couch, relaxed and writing in one of his inevitable journals, she allowed herself to feel the relief. Anymore, she unconsciously found herself tensing, waiting to walk into another nightmare, like the few others she’d found herself involved in since the Angelus incident slightly less than a week ago. Things had continued to escalate, rapidly. He lost control more often, and, when he did, she almost certainly found him in scenes of violence, depression, or general horror.
She remembered when she’d told him what Willow had learned about their lack of options and his fate if they didn’t pull him out. He’d maintained the appearance of calm acceptance, nodding, but for a moment, she had seen his emotions plainly written on his face, fear and terror, and it haunted her still. It scared her, and forced her to realize just how serious things were when death was beginning to look like an unachievable blessing. Still, research had been all but given up and the attempts by the coven to excise the parasitic thing that possessed him had proven unsuccessful…the two were far too strongly linked. At least she could still visit him and help to make it a little more bearable.
Forcing a smile, she called out to him as she approached. “Hey, Giles.”
“Buffy.” He looked up and grinned back as he moved over on the couch and indicated she should sit. “You have no idea how much I love to see you walk through that door every night. Everything well in the world out there?” her Watcher asked, as he carefully laid the journal aside trying not to lose his pen as she flopped down.
“The same. Twelve hours.”
“Hmm?” he asked as he tossed an arm over her shoulders along the back of the couch.
“Since I was here last?” she poked him in reproach.
“Ah.” He wrinkled his brow. “Busy day for us both then. I’ve been writing longer than I thought. But I’m sure we can find ways to make up for the lost time, right, love?” Giles pulled her in and bent his head to capture her mouth with his own.
Buffy was in shock, as his lips brushed hers gently at first, and confusing thoughts surged. It wasn’t until she felt his tongue tracing the line of her mouth, requesting entrance, and his hand beneath her shirt cupping her breast, that she realized what was going on. “Giles!” she called out as she pulled away and let a hand fly up to where she still felt his kiss.
There was a moment of hurt and confusion in his expression before a third presence in the room announced itself.
“Giles! What’s going on?” the eerily familiar voice demanded, rather forcefully.
Buffy looked up from her position on the couch to see…herself, standing at the door she herself had entered, hands on hips. As Giles moved away from her as if she burned, the second Buffy took a moment to see whom exactly her Watcher had been making out with before she’d arrived. The shock of seeing her own face reflected back at her almost seemed to move her physically back toward the door.
“Buffy?” Giles asked, as he glanced from one to the other.
“Oh, no, she isn’t!” the illusory version said, as she marched toward the real Buffy and attempted to haul her from the couch. “I don’t know who this is, but it certainly isn’t me.”
Buffy quickly released the other’s grip on her arm as she silently cursed herself. She should have known it was just another false scene-a fantasy. There would be no reason for Giles to write in journals that would simply have disappeared the next time he lost himself, anyway.
“Damn it, Giles! This isn’t real.”
“Like hell it isn’t!” her duplicate responded, as she succeeded this time in her attempts to haul Buffy up from the couch.
“Giles! We’re in your mind…mmph!” she groaned as the other kneed her hard.
Giles knew better than to come between them and kept his distance as he stood. “Buffy!” he responded forcefully, addressing them both. “Don’t…don’t hurt each other. Not until we know what’s going on.”
They released their grip on one another as the one on his left responded. “You mean this might be like when Xander…”
The Watcher was had his glasses in his hand, clearly trying to think about it logically. “It’s worth considering before you rend one another apart, I’d think.”
“But she could be a demon too…”
Buffy’s mind raced as she heard the conversation between her other self and Giles. She knew she’d have to bring him to awareness soon or else simply leave the scene and come back when her other self wasn’t there…the thought made her swallow hard, as she was only able to guess what sort of relationship might have been going on between her mirror image and her Watcher. If he had to choose between the two Buffies in front of him, he’d probably choose the other-not only was she the one with whom he was currently more familiar, but…she was the one who fulfilled whatever fantasy of his this scene represented.
“Giles,” she said firmly, interrupting the current dialogue and causing the illusory Buffy to object. “Just…just listen to me. You and I? We’re in your mind, and this is all made up. We’ve had this conversation a dozen times, and I’m always right. Just…try to believe me. If I’m right, then you won’t have to worry which of us is real, because I’ll be the only one left, okay? If I’m wrong, what have you got to lose?”
“That’s the most ridiculous-I mean, in your mind?”
Giles continued to glance between them almost comically until his face suddenly fell, before he could hide his expression as he was overcome with his reality once more. The other Buffy continued to stand there, looking to him for a response, but he simply waved and winced as she disappeared.
Buffy breathed a sigh of relief, then launched into the question foremost on her mind. “Giles, tell me now. What was that?”
Recalling what he’d revealed to her, he felt his stomach clench. One more horror this world had prepared for him, it seemed. Not only was he dealing with the crushing loss of happiness, but now he would have to explain to this Buffy who didn’t love him just how much he loved her. He studied the floor, trying to think of what to say.
“Is that…do you have feelings for me Giles? Were we together? How together?”
“Buffy…I was hoping…”
“HOW together?” she repeated.
“Very. I believe that this time our relationship had been intimate for several months,” he admitted. “It varies.”
“So this is something you want? This was good fantasy?”
Giles studied her face and found it inscrutable. “You have to understand, I can’t control…I try to stop it before…”
“Yeah, I know. But please explain anyway; I need to hear.”
He took a step toward her, but she stepped back and crossed her arms in front of herself protectively, trying to ignore the thoughts roiling through her mind.
His hand was visibly shaking as he let it fall back to his side. “Y-you know you’re important to me, Buffy.” He spoke slowly to keep his words free of the painful stutter that had all but gone in remission the past few years but which suddenly threatened now. “I care for you a great deal, and I always ha-have. But somewhere along the line, you captured my heart as well. It isn’t something I intended; it just happened. It is what made losing you to Glory so hard…and…and what happened afterwards as well.”
Adrenaline raced through her and his words threatened to open doors in her own mind that she’d long since barred shut. “So what? You were never going to tell me?”
“The time was never right. I was afraid of losing you,” Giles admitted, still waiting for her reaction to this information. She was surprised and upset, but she hadn’t completely shut him out either.
“So this…THIS is better?”
“Bloody hell, Buffy!” He looked up at her, his anger briefly and irrationally triggered by her own before he let it drain out once more. “I didn’t mean for you to find out like this, and…and not now. Not when I have nothing to offer.”
She shook off the hand he’d clasped to her arm.
“Buffy…”
“No, Giles. Just…not now. I can’t do this; not now.”
Turning, she fled, calling up the exit as she ran, not even turning around to see him double up with the discomfort her manifestation of the way out always caused in him. When she reached the familiar old door, she slammed it open and threw herself through it.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
When she opened her eyes, she was panting, and Buffy could feel the hard knot in her chest, as her mind raced, horrified at what she had just done to him. That feeling was so intense, it drove out all thought of what had been revealed.
As much as she needed time to examine her own feelings and reactions, she also knew that somehow she had to get back in to apologize, but she’d have to wait…wait until it became safe again, and hope that he didn’t throw himself to the darkness before she had the chance to at least apologize and make things right again. Unfortunately, that would be at least a good ten or more hours from now.
Chapter 8
She remembered when she’d told him what Willow had learned about their lack of options and his fate if they didn’t pull him out. He’d maintained the appearance of calm acceptance, nodding, but for a moment, she had seen his emotions plainly written on his face, fear and terror, and it haunted her still. It scared her, and forced her to realize just how serious things were when death was beginning to look like an unachievable blessing. Still, research had been all but given up and the attempts by the coven to excise the parasitic thing that possessed him had proven unsuccessful…the two were far too strongly linked. At least she could still visit him and help to make it a little more bearable.
Forcing a smile, she called out to him as she approached. “Hey, Giles.”
“Buffy.” He looked up and grinned back as he moved over on the couch and indicated she should sit. “You have no idea how much I love to see you walk through that door every night. Everything well in the world out there?” her Watcher asked, as he carefully laid the journal aside trying not to lose his pen as she flopped down.
“The same. Twelve hours.”
“Hmm?” he asked as he tossed an arm over her shoulders along the back of the couch.
“Since I was here last?” she poked him in reproach.
“Ah.” He wrinkled his brow. “Busy day for us both then. I’ve been writing longer than I thought. But I’m sure we can find ways to make up for the lost time, right, love?” Giles pulled her in and bent his head to capture her mouth with his own.
Buffy was in shock, as his lips brushed hers gently at first, and confusing thoughts surged. It wasn’t until she felt his tongue tracing the line of her mouth, requesting entrance, and his hand beneath her shirt cupping her breast, that she realized what was going on. “Giles!” she called out as she pulled away and let a hand fly up to where she still felt his kiss.
There was a moment of hurt and confusion in his expression before a third presence in the room announced itself.
“Giles! What’s going on?” the eerily familiar voice demanded, rather forcefully.
Buffy looked up from her position on the couch to see…herself, standing at the door she herself had entered, hands on hips. As Giles moved away from her as if she burned, the second Buffy took a moment to see whom exactly her Watcher had been making out with before she’d arrived. The shock of seeing her own face reflected back at her almost seemed to move her physically back toward the door.
“Buffy?” Giles asked, as he glanced from one to the other.
“Oh, no, she isn’t!” the illusory version said, as she marched toward the real Buffy and attempted to haul her from the couch. “I don’t know who this is, but it certainly isn’t me.”
Buffy quickly released the other’s grip on her arm as she silently cursed herself. She should have known it was just another false scene-a fantasy. There would be no reason for Giles to write in journals that would simply have disappeared the next time he lost himself, anyway.
“Damn it, Giles! This isn’t real.”
“Like hell it isn’t!” her duplicate responded, as she succeeded this time in her attempts to haul Buffy up from the couch.
“Giles! We’re in your mind…mmph!” she groaned as the other kneed her hard.
Giles knew better than to come between them and kept his distance as he stood. “Buffy!” he responded forcefully, addressing them both. “Don’t…don’t hurt each other. Not until we know what’s going on.”
They released their grip on one another as the one on his left responded. “You mean this might be like when Xander…”
The Watcher was had his glasses in his hand, clearly trying to think about it logically. “It’s worth considering before you rend one another apart, I’d think.”
“But she could be a demon too…”
Buffy’s mind raced as she heard the conversation between her other self and Giles. She knew she’d have to bring him to awareness soon or else simply leave the scene and come back when her other self wasn’t there…the thought made her swallow hard, as she was only able to guess what sort of relationship might have been going on between her mirror image and her Watcher. If he had to choose between the two Buffies in front of him, he’d probably choose the other-not only was she the one with whom he was currently more familiar, but…she was the one who fulfilled whatever fantasy of his this scene represented.
“Giles,” she said firmly, interrupting the current dialogue and causing the illusory Buffy to object. “Just…just listen to me. You and I? We’re in your mind, and this is all made up. We’ve had this conversation a dozen times, and I’m always right. Just…try to believe me. If I’m right, then you won’t have to worry which of us is real, because I’ll be the only one left, okay? If I’m wrong, what have you got to lose?”
“That’s the most ridiculous-I mean, in your mind?”
Giles continued to glance between them almost comically until his face suddenly fell, before he could hide his expression as he was overcome with his reality once more. The other Buffy continued to stand there, looking to him for a response, but he simply waved and winced as she disappeared.
Buffy breathed a sigh of relief, then launched into the question foremost on her mind. “Giles, tell me now. What was that?”
Recalling what he’d revealed to her, he felt his stomach clench. One more horror this world had prepared for him, it seemed. Not only was he dealing with the crushing loss of happiness, but now he would have to explain to this Buffy who didn’t love him just how much he loved her. He studied the floor, trying to think of what to say.
“Is that…do you have feelings for me Giles? Were we together? How together?”
“Buffy…I was hoping…”
“HOW together?” she repeated.
“Very. I believe that this time our relationship had been intimate for several months,” he admitted. “It varies.”
“So this is something you want? This was good fantasy?”
Giles studied her face and found it inscrutable. “You have to understand, I can’t control…I try to stop it before…”
“Yeah, I know. But please explain anyway; I need to hear.”
He took a step toward her, but she stepped back and crossed her arms in front of herself protectively, trying to ignore the thoughts roiling through her mind.
His hand was visibly shaking as he let it fall back to his side. “Y-you know you’re important to me, Buffy.” He spoke slowly to keep his words free of the painful stutter that had all but gone in remission the past few years but which suddenly threatened now. “I care for you a great deal, and I always ha-have. But somewhere along the line, you captured my heart as well. It isn’t something I intended; it just happened. It is what made losing you to Glory so hard…and…and what happened afterwards as well.”
Adrenaline raced through her and his words threatened to open doors in her own mind that she’d long since barred shut. “So what? You were never going to tell me?”
“The time was never right. I was afraid of losing you,” Giles admitted, still waiting for her reaction to this information. She was surprised and upset, but she hadn’t completely shut him out either.
“So this…THIS is better?”
“Bloody hell, Buffy!” He looked up at her, his anger briefly and irrationally triggered by her own before he let it drain out once more. “I didn’t mean for you to find out like this, and…and not now. Not when I have nothing to offer.”
She shook off the hand he’d clasped to her arm.
“Buffy…”
“No, Giles. Just…not now. I can’t do this; not now.”
Turning, she fled, calling up the exit as she ran, not even turning around to see him double up with the discomfort her manifestation of the way out always caused in him. When she reached the familiar old door, she slammed it open and threw herself through it.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
When she opened her eyes, she was panting, and Buffy could feel the hard knot in her chest, as her mind raced, horrified at what she had just done to him. That feeling was so intense, it drove out all thought of what had been revealed.
As much as she needed time to examine her own feelings and reactions, she also knew that somehow she had to get back in to apologize, but she’d have to wait…wait until it became safe again, and hope that he didn’t throw himself to the darkness before she had the chance to at least apologize and make things right again. Unfortunately, that would be at least a good ten or more hours from now.
Chapter 8