So Michael tells me if I want to write I need to begin with shortstories and get to it. If this were the beginning of a story, would you continue reading
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I'm going to be honest, cause that's...well...that's me.
I have two gripes with it, eventhough i'm amused by the hint of the plotline - both have to do with the language. I think that the language that you use is too...flat (to be blunt). I think you need more active verbs, and more description of the café (i know that seems to contradict itself, but i don't think it necessarily has to). I also really hate pronouns, so i would work it so you use less of them. Since René can also be a female name, i would suggest a name that's less ambiguous.
I don't really have any attachment to the story yet, there's nothing pulling me or driving me to continue reading besides knowing what's in the box. I think you should set up why René is at the café, give him a plan or soemthing for afterwards.
oh...and i love the bit about him tipping well. :)
how about "RD" for the name of the dude? hip, yet reminiscent at the same time. and it sounds overwhelmingly male (no other letter reminds me more of men than r for some reason).
while the cafe might not be important to the story, it is in a way. It lets the reader situate the story. if you're going to start off with a place, you have to be willing to describe it.
The delivery man was done well. i get what you're saying about making it surreal or something. you could even make the delivery man kinda curt with Rene in order to show a contrast between their personalities which will also help with the characterization of rene.
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I have two gripes with it, eventhough i'm amused by the hint of the plotline - both have to do with the language. I think that the language that you use is too...flat (to be blunt). I think you need more active verbs, and more description of the café (i know that seems to contradict itself, but i don't think it necessarily has to). I also really hate pronouns, so i would work it so you use less of them. Since René can also be a female name, i would suggest a name that's less ambiguous.
I don't really have any attachment to the story yet, there's nothing pulling me or driving me to continue reading besides knowing what's in the box. I think you should set up why René is at the café, give him a plan or soemthing for afterwards.
oh...and i love the bit about him tipping well. :)
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while the cafe might not be important to the story, it is in a way. It lets the reader situate the story. if you're going to start off with a place, you have to be willing to describe it.
The delivery man was done well. i get what you're saying about making it surreal or something. you could even make the delivery man kinda curt with Rene in order to show a contrast between their personalities which will also help with the characterization of rene.
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