wandering thoughts
I recently found out that an ex of mine's dad is dying. So she is an ex but she is not the 'oh, we were in love and then it ended, that's all well and good' ex. This was more of an 'oh, I think I may have broken a peice of your spirit when I left- ex'. We met and fell in love very quickly. She captured me in a way that I can't really find words to describe. Anyway, her dad, who is no saint, si dying of lung cancer. He has had a hard life. He had an abusive dad and a mom who really was too mentally ill to be a good mom, but she tried. He drinks, way too much, and smokes more then anyone I know. He was diagnosed with metastatic and advanced lung cancer and is terminal. He is one of those rare men who really believes he is responsible for his own shit. In an almost dysfunctional, yet oddly admirable way. He takes no help from anyone and feels great resentment in being asked to pay taxes to help fund those that need help from him. He is a working class guy, and has worked from the age of 13 years old.
So when I found out he is dying, I spent some time trying to figure out why I care- at all. I have not seen my ex in years and likely won't. I have not seen her dad in even longer and have no relationship with him or the rest of the family- but I did for a few years. I used to work with death and dying people alot. I am oddly comfortable around death and end of life. I was actually there when his mother died (she was home on hospice and happened to stop breathing while I was visiting with my ex- the dad and mom were there too). I looked into the dad's eyes and said to him "she is gone" when I knew she has stopped breathing. I checked her pupils and knew she was gone, wrote down the time, handed it to him as he stood in the kitchen doorway. He was present, but distant. Kind of dissociated from the moment- as I think we all do when we loose a parent. I called the undertaker and helped my ex and her mom wash and dress the woman. It was sobering and normal. other then what I think was normal nervousness, I had little thought or reaction. I fumbled with the phone number abit as I dialed the hospice nurse and the undertaker, but that's all.
He thanked me later- in his quiet way, after a few drinks.
So I journal here at times to try to move through things that somehow don't sit right in my head and this is one of those times. I have no intention of reaching out to my ex as she has made it clear that she does not want me in her life. I really don't have any place to reach out to this man that I have not seen or spoken to in 5 years. I think I am just momentarily stuck in trying to gain some closure or maybe some way of letting myself be at peace with this guy who I connected to even though we had so little in common and shared no similar belief system.
Death is weird, it rocks even the most at peace, of us.
So when I found out he is dying, I spent some time trying to figure out why I care- at all. I have not seen my ex in years and likely won't. I have not seen her dad in even longer and have no relationship with him or the rest of the family- but I did for a few years. I used to work with death and dying people alot. I am oddly comfortable around death and end of life. I was actually there when his mother died (she was home on hospice and happened to stop breathing while I was visiting with my ex- the dad and mom were there too). I looked into the dad's eyes and said to him "she is gone" when I knew she has stopped breathing. I checked her pupils and knew she was gone, wrote down the time, handed it to him as he stood in the kitchen doorway. He was present, but distant. Kind of dissociated from the moment- as I think we all do when we loose a parent. I called the undertaker and helped my ex and her mom wash and dress the woman. It was sobering and normal. other then what I think was normal nervousness, I had little thought or reaction. I fumbled with the phone number abit as I dialed the hospice nurse and the undertaker, but that's all.
He thanked me later- in his quiet way, after a few drinks.
So I journal here at times to try to move through things that somehow don't sit right in my head and this is one of those times. I have no intention of reaching out to my ex as she has made it clear that she does not want me in her life. I really don't have any place to reach out to this man that I have not seen or spoken to in 5 years. I think I am just momentarily stuck in trying to gain some closure or maybe some way of letting myself be at peace with this guy who I connected to even though we had so little in common and shared no similar belief system.
Death is weird, it rocks even the most at peace, of us.