Thoughts on a great book
I just finished reading one of the best books I've read, Unhooked Generation: The Truth About Why We're Still Single by Jillian Straus. The book hit on so many good points I don't know where to begin. It also had a few quotes that really summed things up beautifully and told some powerful stories.
In talking about affairs, one story I probably won't forget is one she told of Evan and Amanda. The couple was engaged and approaching their wedding day, with everything looking right. Then, 11 days before the wedding, she went on a business trip. She comes home, walks into the bedroom... and finds condoms all over the bed. I was speechless at that point - there were no words, especially when he was unapologetic about it. It goes without saying that the relationship ended and Amanda was livid, but I just couldn't find the words for this. Even worse, Evan later tried to get the ring back from her!
Much of what the book covers, I at least had an inkling of before reading it. But I never had it all in one place, with stories that powerfully illustrate the many issues in romantic relationships among men and women of my generation.
One thing that stood out for me is how she showed the fallacies of having a checklist, which is thought of as a must-have item for finding a mate among those in my generation. I've long since eschewed that approach, which I have discussed in this space before. But in the book, Straus does a terrific job of showing it to be a bad idea, especially in showing couples who threw out the checklist and found wonderful marriages.
I also thought of a friend when Straus talks in the book about how no one really knows what anything means anymore in dating, although it hit home for me, too. A few months back, my friend said she doesn't really know what she has with the man she was dating at the time, because nothing seems clear and she's found that out through her experiences. Nowadays, just because a person calls the next night or doesn't call for a month seems to mean nothing about their interest; the same goes for many other actions. Moving in together? Doesn't mean marriage is right around the corner. Going on an overnight trip with the person you're dating? That doesn't mean you're a couple.
This hit home for me because it's practically the story of my life to get signals that seem to mean one thing, but later appear to mean something else entirely. Time and time again I've had a woman show very real signs of interest in me as more than just a friend, only to get shot down in a bad way later on. They range from the time a woman gave me both her phone numbers and we had a great conversation, only to tell me a few days later she only wants to be "friends over e-mail", to the time a woman and I traveled to see each other several times and spend multiple days together each time before she was practically ready to marry a guy she barely knew less than a month after I last saw her. (That same guy was nowhere to be found a few months later, by the way - call it karma.) Needless to say, I've adopted a very cautious approach to dealing with women now, because I don't know what anything means anymore.
I'm very cynical on this matter, as readers of this space know, and reading this book furthered my cynicism. Where it certainly helped is that I got the feeling that I have many of the right ideas and also saw some of myself in some of these stories and close friends in some others. As I read the final chapter, talking about how happy couples got to where they are, I was reminded of how I've long felt about this, especially regarding how I connect with a woman. Notably, I thought about how these couples reflected on what it was like to be with that person - they didn't run down a list of items from a checklist when talking about what makes their life mate special. And a few of these relationships were born out of friendship first - although I think very few really go for that nowadays. It's been my experience that once you're friends with a woman, it's not going any further because very, very rarely does someone want to take a further step from it. Telling a female friend how I felt about her has just about halted friendships on a few occasions, and I was never the one halting things.
I can't say I'm any less cynical about relationships after reading this book, and chances are the book I'll start reading on Sunday (Unhooked by Laura Sessions Stepp) won't reduce it either. But this was an excellent read and I highly recommend it.
Some quotes that stood out:
"The search for love without gender roles, clear goals or signs of progress, but with premature sex, is destined to be an angst-ridden journey. Social cues right now are as hard to read as tea leaves."
"Beating yourself up because you can't use your body without involving your soul is quite the twenty-first-century dilemma."
"We need to find a level of comfort with whatever choice we make; to be happy, we need to learn not to focus on what we are giving up, but rather on what we are gaining with each choice we make."
In talking about affairs, one story I probably won't forget is one she told of Evan and Amanda. The couple was engaged and approaching their wedding day, with everything looking right. Then, 11 days before the wedding, she went on a business trip. She comes home, walks into the bedroom... and finds condoms all over the bed. I was speechless at that point - there were no words, especially when he was unapologetic about it. It goes without saying that the relationship ended and Amanda was livid, but I just couldn't find the words for this. Even worse, Evan later tried to get the ring back from her!
Much of what the book covers, I at least had an inkling of before reading it. But I never had it all in one place, with stories that powerfully illustrate the many issues in romantic relationships among men and women of my generation.
One thing that stood out for me is how she showed the fallacies of having a checklist, which is thought of as a must-have item for finding a mate among those in my generation. I've long since eschewed that approach, which I have discussed in this space before. But in the book, Straus does a terrific job of showing it to be a bad idea, especially in showing couples who threw out the checklist and found wonderful marriages.
I also thought of a friend when Straus talks in the book about how no one really knows what anything means anymore in dating, although it hit home for me, too. A few months back, my friend said she doesn't really know what she has with the man she was dating at the time, because nothing seems clear and she's found that out through her experiences. Nowadays, just because a person calls the next night or doesn't call for a month seems to mean nothing about their interest; the same goes for many other actions. Moving in together? Doesn't mean marriage is right around the corner. Going on an overnight trip with the person you're dating? That doesn't mean you're a couple.
This hit home for me because it's practically the story of my life to get signals that seem to mean one thing, but later appear to mean something else entirely. Time and time again I've had a woman show very real signs of interest in me as more than just a friend, only to get shot down in a bad way later on. They range from the time a woman gave me both her phone numbers and we had a great conversation, only to tell me a few days later she only wants to be "friends over e-mail", to the time a woman and I traveled to see each other several times and spend multiple days together each time before she was practically ready to marry a guy she barely knew less than a month after I last saw her. (That same guy was nowhere to be found a few months later, by the way - call it karma.) Needless to say, I've adopted a very cautious approach to dealing with women now, because I don't know what anything means anymore.
I'm very cynical on this matter, as readers of this space know, and reading this book furthered my cynicism. Where it certainly helped is that I got the feeling that I have many of the right ideas and also saw some of myself in some of these stories and close friends in some others. As I read the final chapter, talking about how happy couples got to where they are, I was reminded of how I've long felt about this, especially regarding how I connect with a woman. Notably, I thought about how these couples reflected on what it was like to be with that person - they didn't run down a list of items from a checklist when talking about what makes their life mate special. And a few of these relationships were born out of friendship first - although I think very few really go for that nowadays. It's been my experience that once you're friends with a woman, it's not going any further because very, very rarely does someone want to take a further step from it. Telling a female friend how I felt about her has just about halted friendships on a few occasions, and I was never the one halting things.
I can't say I'm any less cynical about relationships after reading this book, and chances are the book I'll start reading on Sunday (Unhooked by Laura Sessions Stepp) won't reduce it either. But this was an excellent read and I highly recommend it.
Some quotes that stood out:
"The search for love without gender roles, clear goals or signs of progress, but with premature sex, is destined to be an angst-ridden journey. Social cues right now are as hard to read as tea leaves."
"Beating yourself up because you can't use your body without involving your soul is quite the twenty-first-century dilemma."
"We need to find a level of comfort with whatever choice we make; to be happy, we need to learn not to focus on what we are giving up, but rather on what we are gaining with each choice we make."