The Rules of Love According to Andreas Capellanus: 2. He who is not jealous can not love.

[philophrosyne]

Fandom Young Avenges
No warnings needed
Marvel owns the characters
Word count 1443
Betaed by fullofmetal (Many Thanks!)

Comments

You need more dialogue to break up the narrative

[jazzypom]

You're not observing a science experiment for controls, nor are you paraphrasing a comic book for class. You need dialogue, because it makes the reader 'hear' the characters speak, as well as pushing your story along. Normally, a rule of thumb is no more than four paragraphs before you get into dialogue. You've done *counts * eleven.

But the story reads so much better. Your betas are whipping you into shape. Well done.

Re: You need more dialogue to break up the narrative

[ayawinner]

I was assuming the no dialogue thing was some kind of stylistic device (you get all sorts of them nowadays, it's like the Renaissance of stylistic devices in fanfiction - or maybe that's just me), but if it's philophrosyne not knowing better, I'm totally with you there, jazzypom :)

Other than that, I really liked the idea, but got a little confused because Jenny was introduced as Greg's girlfriend so late. The revelation that she's making out in the bus with another guy would have been much more shocking if the reader'd known before that she's Greg's girlfriend.

Re: You need more dialogue to break up the narrative

[jazzypom]

I was assuming the no dialogue thing was some kind of stylistic device (you get all sorts of them nowadays, it's like the Renaissance of stylistic devices in fanfiction - or maybe that's just me)

Gosh, yeah, tell me about it. Present tense in fics everywhere (I have nothing against present tense, per se, but it doesn't work for everything, you know? And yet...)

But yeah, in comics, what makes the characters is their dialogue. From Billy's gentle rebukes coached in humour ("I'd have done it magically. With magic."), to Eli's stroppiness at everything- "So who will be leading this team to Doom?" to Magneto's sly put downs, "I'd think it would be Hawkeye, if she were still speaking to you" to Tommy's sly, cynical bite, "Gee unc, you must be bummed because I'm prettier, faster, have thicker hair" - it's the dialogue that actually delineates the characters for the reader, in as much as visuals. Heinberg is such a good writer in the sense that, if someone read the comic to you, and you couldn't see the visuals, you'd know who was talking

Re: You need more dialogue to break up the narrative

[philophrosyne]

It was a stylistic choice, so as to connect it with "An Outsider's Inside P.O.V." which uses the same format and is also about Greg.

Present tense is bad. (Why?)
Dialogue is good. (I'll add a lot more in my next fic!)

Thank you both for your helpful comments!

Best OCs Ever!

[alluring_a]

I LOVE your stories with Greg and the team. I like the fact that Teddy has friends outside the YA, and that he and Billy have been accepted by them. I really REALLY hope you write more stories like this.

Re: Best OCs Ever!

[philophrosyne]

Thank you, I'm glad you like them. I have a FULL back-story for most of them, but I just haven't been bit by a plot-bunny yet. A little nibbling, but never a full scene.

I happen to like it dialogue-free

[milliondreams]

We really see Greg's point of view. There is the issue of only knowing what Greg knows, but this is Greg's story. It's nice exposition on his character.