Just a TL;DR rant to get things off my chest and out of my head
Alright. I'm livid. Not just pissed off, I have officially reached the point of Livid.
To the person I'd believed to be my friend, I do not appreciate this silence.
At first, I wasn't mad you know. Oh, I was hurt - You damned well decided that I wasn't worth seeing on my birthday. I don't care if it's your boyfriend's birthday on the same day, it was my first one spent away from my parents. The first one I decided to spend with friends instead - To the point of saying to my Parentals that I can't see them for it because I wanted to spend it with you instead.
And then what do you go and do? Get your BF to inform me that I can't see you because he's taking you away. I wasn't alright with that, I was hurt by that. Hurt by the fact that you didn't want to even see me for my birthday, but I wasn't mad. Oh no, I was actually understanding about that. Hurt, but understanding ... Because I'd thought that I'd still see you soon after, I'd let you know that I was hurt by the callous way I was told I wouldn't be seeing my best friend for my birthday, hurt because it made me feel excluded, and hurt because I'd made a point to tell my Parents I couldn't see them on my birthday - Do you have any idea what your sudden decidal to not see me meant? It meant I spent my birthday alone. ALONE when I had been looking forward to seeing you - I was even gonna wear that cute dress you've been trying to convince me to wear.
The problem here isn't that you left me alone on my birthday anymore - I wasn't even mad about that. However, it's been over a month now and I'm yet to see you. Hell, I've hardly even HEARD from you, despite the fact that I've been messaging you. Aside from the times when I made a point to call you to let you know things I'd thought you'd want to know - Getting my license and then car - I haven't spoken to you at all. You haven't even messaged to se how things are going with the driving. Yet, you were meant to be my best friend.
So, yes, now, I am fucking pissed off with you. If I'd been in your shoes, I'd have been trying my damndest to see you after your birthday, not just going "Yeah, I'll let you know" and then not even bothering to update you on my plans for the weekend.
This isn't even about the birthday anymore, this is about my supposed best friend being "too busy" to meet up with me, and, apparently, too busy to even reply to my texts. And you know what the worst of all this is? The fact that you would abandon me like this after all the times I've been there for you without a moments hesitation. The second you told me you and your BF were having problems, what did I say? "Are you okay. Do you need to come over?" Each and every bloody time. Remember how there was that entire week when I met up with you so that I could help distract you from the fact that you were having problems? All I've done is be there for you when you need me ... And this is how you show how much you appreciated that? I might have bought the "I've been really busy" excuse for a week, or two. But, you're not even TRYING to get in touch with me - What am I supposed to make of that?
Do you have any idea of how hard it is to try and convince myself that I've got to get used to seeing movies alone again, or how frustrating it is that you're doing this - Not because it came as a complete surprise, but because I'd been afraid of it happening. You knew I have insecurities about this happening, but I'd actually thought our friendship had come to a point where I didn't have to be afraid of you abandoning me. I'd thought you'd come to care for me as much as I cared for you.
You know what really hurts about this? The fact that there wasn't even any warning. The fact that you haven't even given me a reason why you're not talking to me anymore, why you're distancing yourself. That you would even do this hurts, but the fact that there were no signs, no chance for me to prepare myself ... That is what kills me.
And worse, I can't even understand why. I've sat here for days upon days of trying to figure out what it was that I did wrong - What it was that made you suddenly decide you don't want to see me anymore - And I can't come up with ANYTHING. Even the whole birthday thing, I tried my hardest to not let your BF know that I was annoyed about what happened because I didn't want to spoil HIS birthday. Maybe that's the part that kills me. That I can't even think of anything that would cause this sudden distance, or maybe it's that you're abandoning me after all. That I'd finally come to trust that you wouldn't hurt me, and then you go and do this.
But, you know what? I've had enough of it. I've had enough of wondering what I've done wrong. I'm sick to death of trying to figure out why - It isn't an easy thing to do when you've got absolutely no idea what started it. For all I know, maybe you've been stewing over something I'd said off hand and you've been shitty about that without saying a word - and I wouldn't know because I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM YOU AT ALL.
So, this is it. This is me saying enough is enough - I'm not going to sit around waiting for you to wake the fuck up and realise how much you're hurting me with this silence - How much the silence from both of you is making me want to break down and cry every goddamn time I hear your names. I can't even drive without thinking of you - Do you have any idea of what that's like?! No, of course you wouldn't.
So, fuck you. I'm not going to mope around waiting for you anymore. I'm going to join a gym and do classes. I'm going to go to my parents more often. I'm going to throw myself into doing whatever it takes for me to not have to think of you and why you've decided I'm not good enough to be your friend anymore. Because I've had enough of the waiting.
Oh sure, in my heart of hearts, I hope you'll realise what you've done and come back - And, chances are, the next time you and he have an argument, that's exactly what you'll do. Because at that moment you'll remember that I'm the kind of friend who was there for you no matter what time it was, no matter what you needed, and you'll want me to be there again. But you know something? Next time ... Don't expect me to be so giving. I might accept you again - But it is going to take me a hell of a long time to get over the hurt from what you're doing to me right now. And it's going to take me even longer to forgive - What? You think you could just come crawling back and everything would be all find and dandy again? Fuck no. I'm so mad at you right now that I don't even know if I would acknowledge your presence if I ran into you at the movies. I'm so upset by this silence that I don't know that I could ever let you into my heart again ...
I fucking well trusted you not to hurt me! And now you've gone and shoved a dagger right through me. I'm sure I'll be able to stitch the wound back together - I have before - but things like that leave a scar. I'm not likely to forget how easily you threw me away because you got "busy", and you'll just have to deal with the consequences of your actions. I'll still be there when you need me, because that's simply the kind of friend I am, but I'm not about to go out of my way for you anymore. I'm not going to drop everything I'm doing just because you need to talk. You've taken that part of me for granted and I just don't know how I can be so giving to you anymore.
The most annoying part is, I still love you, and so I want you to come back into my life. I want it so badly that I can't even begin to express... It's heartbreaking to realise that I'm probably going to be seeing The Lion King at the cinema's alone because I don't even know if you'll be talking to me by then. ... Maybe that's what hurts the most in all of this. Wanting to understand what went wrong and how I can fix it, but not knowing if you even want to be in my life anymore. Just when I finally do the things you've been wanting me to do ... You vanish.
In the end, I guess all I really can say is Fine. If that's the way you want it to be, I'll just have to find a way to deal with it. But I am so not okay with anything that's happening right now. I've been through hard times before, I've had people just walk away without explanation before but you ... You're the one that's hurting the most. I just wish you knew that - The sad part is, I don't think you do.
And so, maybe someday you'll wake up and realise something's missing. But, by that point, I'll be a mere shade of what I used to be. Then again, maybe you won't - Maybe to you, my friendship meant just that little. If you can abandom me so easily, it doesn't inspire the want to believe that you actually valued me at all.
I just ... don't know what to do. I want you in my life, but I need to somehow come to terms with the fact that, maybe ... You don't want to be there. And that right there is the most heartbreaking thing I've ever had to try to come to terms with. It's one thing to grow distant from a person, a complete other to have them suddenly cut you off completely.
Forgive the moroseness F-List. I don't expect a single one of you to read that, but I really needed to get all that out, or else I was likely to explode. FYI - Missing by Evanescence fits my thoughts about the situation perfectly right now.
... And THIS is why I needed uplifting/happy music.
To the person I'd believed to be my friend, I do not appreciate this silence.
At first, I wasn't mad you know. Oh, I was hurt - You damned well decided that I wasn't worth seeing on my birthday. I don't care if it's your boyfriend's birthday on the same day, it was my first one spent away from my parents. The first one I decided to spend with friends instead - To the point of saying to my Parentals that I can't see them for it because I wanted to spend it with you instead.
And then what do you go and do? Get your BF to inform me that I can't see you because he's taking you away. I wasn't alright with that, I was hurt by that. Hurt by the fact that you didn't want to even see me for my birthday, but I wasn't mad. Oh no, I was actually understanding about that. Hurt, but understanding ... Because I'd thought that I'd still see you soon after, I'd let you know that I was hurt by the callous way I was told I wouldn't be seeing my best friend for my birthday, hurt because it made me feel excluded, and hurt because I'd made a point to tell my Parents I couldn't see them on my birthday - Do you have any idea what your sudden decidal to not see me meant? It meant I spent my birthday alone. ALONE when I had been looking forward to seeing you - I was even gonna wear that cute dress you've been trying to convince me to wear.
The problem here isn't that you left me alone on my birthday anymore - I wasn't even mad about that. However, it's been over a month now and I'm yet to see you. Hell, I've hardly even HEARD from you, despite the fact that I've been messaging you. Aside from the times when I made a point to call you to let you know things I'd thought you'd want to know - Getting my license and then car - I haven't spoken to you at all. You haven't even messaged to se how things are going with the driving. Yet, you were meant to be my best friend.
So, yes, now, I am fucking pissed off with you. If I'd been in your shoes, I'd have been trying my damndest to see you after your birthday, not just going "Yeah, I'll let you know" and then not even bothering to update you on my plans for the weekend.
This isn't even about the birthday anymore, this is about my supposed best friend being "too busy" to meet up with me, and, apparently, too busy to even reply to my texts. And you know what the worst of all this is? The fact that you would abandon me like this after all the times I've been there for you without a moments hesitation. The second you told me you and your BF were having problems, what did I say? "Are you okay. Do you need to come over?" Each and every bloody time. Remember how there was that entire week when I met up with you so that I could help distract you from the fact that you were having problems? All I've done is be there for you when you need me ... And this is how you show how much you appreciated that? I might have bought the "I've been really busy" excuse for a week, or two. But, you're not even TRYING to get in touch with me - What am I supposed to make of that?
Do you have any idea of how hard it is to try and convince myself that I've got to get used to seeing movies alone again, or how frustrating it is that you're doing this - Not because it came as a complete surprise, but because I'd been afraid of it happening. You knew I have insecurities about this happening, but I'd actually thought our friendship had come to a point where I didn't have to be afraid of you abandoning me. I'd thought you'd come to care for me as much as I cared for you.
You know what really hurts about this? The fact that there wasn't even any warning. The fact that you haven't even given me a reason why you're not talking to me anymore, why you're distancing yourself. That you would even do this hurts, but the fact that there were no signs, no chance for me to prepare myself ... That is what kills me.
And worse, I can't even understand why. I've sat here for days upon days of trying to figure out what it was that I did wrong - What it was that made you suddenly decide you don't want to see me anymore - And I can't come up with ANYTHING. Even the whole birthday thing, I tried my hardest to not let your BF know that I was annoyed about what happened because I didn't want to spoil HIS birthday. Maybe that's the part that kills me. That I can't even think of anything that would cause this sudden distance, or maybe it's that you're abandoning me after all. That I'd finally come to trust that you wouldn't hurt me, and then you go and do this.
But, you know what? I've had enough of it. I've had enough of wondering what I've done wrong. I'm sick to death of trying to figure out why - It isn't an easy thing to do when you've got absolutely no idea what started it. For all I know, maybe you've been stewing over something I'd said off hand and you've been shitty about that without saying a word - and I wouldn't know because I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM YOU AT ALL.
So, this is it. This is me saying enough is enough - I'm not going to sit around waiting for you to wake the fuck up and realise how much you're hurting me with this silence - How much the silence from both of you is making me want to break down and cry every goddamn time I hear your names. I can't even drive without thinking of you - Do you have any idea of what that's like?! No, of course you wouldn't.
So, fuck you. I'm not going to mope around waiting for you anymore. I'm going to join a gym and do classes. I'm going to go to my parents more often. I'm going to throw myself into doing whatever it takes for me to not have to think of you and why you've decided I'm not good enough to be your friend anymore. Because I've had enough of the waiting.
Oh sure, in my heart of hearts, I hope you'll realise what you've done and come back - And, chances are, the next time you and he have an argument, that's exactly what you'll do. Because at that moment you'll remember that I'm the kind of friend who was there for you no matter what time it was, no matter what you needed, and you'll want me to be there again. But you know something? Next time ... Don't expect me to be so giving. I might accept you again - But it is going to take me a hell of a long time to get over the hurt from what you're doing to me right now. And it's going to take me even longer to forgive - What? You think you could just come crawling back and everything would be all find and dandy again? Fuck no. I'm so mad at you right now that I don't even know if I would acknowledge your presence if I ran into you at the movies. I'm so upset by this silence that I don't know that I could ever let you into my heart again ...
I fucking well trusted you not to hurt me! And now you've gone and shoved a dagger right through me. I'm sure I'll be able to stitch the wound back together - I have before - but things like that leave a scar. I'm not likely to forget how easily you threw me away because you got "busy", and you'll just have to deal with the consequences of your actions. I'll still be there when you need me, because that's simply the kind of friend I am, but I'm not about to go out of my way for you anymore. I'm not going to drop everything I'm doing just because you need to talk. You've taken that part of me for granted and I just don't know how I can be so giving to you anymore.
The most annoying part is, I still love you, and so I want you to come back into my life. I want it so badly that I can't even begin to express... It's heartbreaking to realise that I'm probably going to be seeing The Lion King at the cinema's alone because I don't even know if you'll be talking to me by then. ... Maybe that's what hurts the most in all of this. Wanting to understand what went wrong and how I can fix it, but not knowing if you even want to be in my life anymore. Just when I finally do the things you've been wanting me to do ... You vanish.
In the end, I guess all I really can say is Fine. If that's the way you want it to be, I'll just have to find a way to deal with it. But I am so not okay with anything that's happening right now. I've been through hard times before, I've had people just walk away without explanation before but you ... You're the one that's hurting the most. I just wish you knew that - The sad part is, I don't think you do.
And so, maybe someday you'll wake up and realise something's missing. But, by that point, I'll be a mere shade of what I used to be. Then again, maybe you won't - Maybe to you, my friendship meant just that little. If you can abandom me so easily, it doesn't inspire the want to believe that you actually valued me at all.
I just ... don't know what to do. I want you in my life, but I need to somehow come to terms with the fact that, maybe ... You don't want to be there. And that right there is the most heartbreaking thing I've ever had to try to come to terms with. It's one thing to grow distant from a person, a complete other to have them suddenly cut you off completely.
Forgive the moroseness F-List. I don't expect a single one of you to read that, but I really needed to get all that out, or else I was likely to explode. FYI - Missing by Evanescence fits my thoughts about the situation perfectly right now.
... And THIS is why I needed uplifting/happy music.