Musings, Part 1
I’ve been in a rather serious mood since Monday. While I was at work, one of the guys I talk to came downstairs. On the side of his face, it looked like he had road burn. When I asked him about it, he said that he’d had another seizure. It made me begin to wonder what a life with seizures would be like. I had no idea how to respond to him, and it made me feel really callous. I didn’t want to say, “I’m sorry” or any variation of that; it would have sounded insincere, even though I really would have meant it.
Now I’m wondering what it would be like to have a disability. If you’re blind, you miss out on the sights all around you. But, if you’ve never been able to see before, is it really missing out? I mean, colors would have no meaning to you, an object having no shape. I can think about a tree and picture one. A car and see one. I can see someone who went blind due to some accident coping, but someone who’s been blind all their life has never had to change their lifestyle. Or, would it be an adjustment when these people come in contact with those who’ve never been around someone who’s blind?
I can remember a guy at GSA (Governor School for the Arts) who had been blind all his life. He was a really sweet guy. I talked to him and was telling him of the “story” I’m working on. He could understand all of it, even the strange plot twists I have planned, but when I tried to explain it to another GSA friend, she didn’t follow all of it, at all. The guy who was blind was an absolutely amazing violin player. I had a chance to listen to him play. If I remember, he was second chair or something like that. Absolutely impressive.
So, how does someone who ends up blind due to an accident or for whatever reason after birth cope? I just remember the movie, Wild Hearts Can’t Be Broken and how the horse diving girl ended up blind because of a diving accident. You could see the difficulty she had in adjusting to this change. Is this the kind of reaction all have when faced with a similar situation? By the end of the movie, she overcame it and returned to horse diving. I just wonder what it would be like to end up blind due to some sort of trauma. What would it be like not to know color? A tree? Light?
I wonder that with all the senses. What about if you don’t have more than one sense? Is it more of a disadvantage? The same? Do people born without these senses feel at a disadvantage if it’s never mentioned? Do they feel inadequate and somehow like they have less? What’s it like to be without?
New Tangent
Women in the workplace. They have to make sacrifices. I think about my mother and how she worked and raised a family. She’s raised five and worked a full-time job, sometimes two or three jobs. She did it, but she sacrificed a lot for us in the process. She used to work nightshift when we were all little. She never got a lot of sleep, a sacrifice. She also sacrificed really having a social life. All her time was spend with her children or working.
I can remember summers. She would sleep for a few hours during the day then be up the rest of the day with us, only to go back into work that night. She did this for years. I wonder if that’s why I never want to have a family. I don’t have to have to choose between family and a career; I would slight one or the other, and I know it. There would never be as much time for family because I would throw myself into work. I will end up like my mother and be a workaholic.
I have already noticed that I am like my mother in many ways. I have a dominant personality and need to be in control. Yet, I’m passive-aggressive. I have a hard time standing up for myself, let people walk all over me. I know I have and continue to allow it to happen. Then, I get angry and take it out on others who’ve done nothing wrong. I try not to, but I know I do so. I know I end up hurting others or being mean to them because of my anger at others or other situations.
This has turned away from women and work. All this started with a comment from my professor about how women can’t maintain a profession, make a large sum of money, and have a family. As true as it may be, I don’t appreciate it. I know it’s true, just as I know women usually make seventy-five cents to a man’s dollar. *sighs* I just wish it wasn’t true. I mean, I don’t have a family, but what if I did? Would I have to marry a man who has no interest in a “real” career?
What about those women who already have children and not in a steady career yet? Will they ever be able to have a real career? If they have a partner, would the partner have to be willing to raise the child? Does the woman ever have time with her children, then? I mean, I have a cousin who got married when she was twenty. She had been in college, but I don’t think she ever finished it. I know she had a daughter about a year later. Most of her life has been spent raising her daughter.
Maybe my cousin isn’t a good example because I’ve never seen her as one to go far in life. But, she had wanted to get a degree in business management and become a manager in a hotel chain. I’m pretty sure that never happened because of how young she got married. I have to wonder about Sarah now (not my sister). Will she be able to go into the career she wants to now that she has a child? I know she can do it. She’s Sarah. Yet, I still wonder how far she’ll be able to go in her field of choice with a child to look after. How much will Tommy help? Not because he doesn’t want to but because he has a career of his own?
New Tangent
Relationships. I want a relationship. I really do. I want to be in a loving, caring relationship where I’m respected and my partner and I communicate effectively. I want to go out and do stuff with the person. I don’t want a relationship built on sex. Sure, that might be nice, eventually, but I’m not ready for it right now. There’s no, “I’m going to wait until I’m married,” because I have no clue if I’ll ever marry. That kind of commitment scares me.
I suppose I’m old fashioned, but if I marry someone, then I want it to be for life. I don’t want marriage, divorce, marriage, et cetera. Call it the inner romantic in me coming out, but I do want to find love. Do I believe it will happen? Not likely. I just don’t see love coming to me. I know, I know; I’m young and have years of my life left. I realize that, but it doesn’t diminish my desires for romantic love.
I want to be able to cuddle with someone, to curl up and talk quietly to my partner. I’m not a big fan of touch usually, but I want someone to be able to just give me a hug, one that will brighten my day because it was from them. I want to date someone where I don’t feel odd holding their hand in public. Someone to hold me as we sleep.
Usually I come off as dominant in a relationship, but I would like someone who can dominate me at times. I don’t even mean in the sexual sense, even. A mutual give and take. I suppose I miss the feel of skin on skin contact. It’s rather odd, as I usually don’t feel that way, but that’s what I want. Maybe I really want someone who can read my mind. I want to be touched and held, but not all the time. I don’t want someone who obsessively calls me or obsessively wants to be around me (although this could be nice at times). Yet, I want someone to come home to, to kiss and hug. I want to comfort of that in my life.
I want stability and security. I don’t like major changes in my life, especially when I have no warning for them. I know none of this makes sense as the past three relationships were two months each. I want a lasting relationship. Whether that is possible with me has yet to be determined. My longest has been seven or eight months, depending on how you look at it. I have no way of knowing if it’s possible, but I would like it a lot. Josh knows down to the minute (probably even the second) how long he’s been with his girlfriend. I find that one of the sweetest things ever. He really seems to be in love with her, too. I think that’s absolutely wonderful.
I want a relationship like that. I’m not so delusional as to think that there wouldn’t be fights, but isn’t that part of a relationship?-the good and the bad?