The Secret World of Scathach
I was talking with a friend on-line today and for reasons that don’t bear going into a sentence drifted through my head that I can’t let go of at this moment. So I’m writing it out of my head. Lucky readers! I wanted to cheer up a friend today. It reminded me of that same sentence, another night that I wanted to cheer up a friend.
I may or may not have mentioned here before that my second has-been was a demon straight from hell. No, let me back up a teeny bit. The marriage to mini-me’s father (has-been #1) had been a failure start to finish. He was lazy and useless. I could give data and statistics here, but why bother. Just take my word for it… lazy and useless. Add unimaginative and not overly bright, to boot. It was also a D/s relationship turned vanilla. It (the switch to vanilla) was his decision, but I agreed to it. I/We thought that with parenthood looming, we had a responsibility to set aside such fringe “hobbies” as youth had afforded us the opportunity to explore. So while that relationship went to hell, I still had it in my mind at the end of it all that I should not return to my submissive self… that I should reject such notions entirely.
Enter New Man: tall, handsome, older, mature, strong, driven, motivated, purposeful, humorous, creative, artistic… essentially everything that has-been #1 was NOT. Picture me: 21 years old, a newly made single mother, truly on my own for the first time in life, and a frustrated submissive lurking inside desperate for release. Like a knight in shining armor this older man swoops me up to take care of me, to provide for me, to teach me and direct me. In return, I get to dote on him night and day, cater to his whims, defer to him in all things. If he hadn’t been a certifiable nut bag it might have worked, too.
Anyway, before he had me, when I was still frighteningly alone, he was just a dream. When I had no idea what lurked inside him, he just seemed like the antithesis of has-been #1… in other words, exactly what I wanted. But surely such a man was out of my reach! So I pined in silence. (very melodramatic, ain’t it?) I might mention that has-been #2 was my boss and quite the “player.” So while I pined, I also resigned myself to being merely his co-worker and friend. I knew that his innuendos were only jokes. Any flirting was just because the relationship was safe… after all, I was his subordinate and he had plenty of action elsewhere.
And then he went back to the states for a two-week-long class. When he came back to share what he’d learned with the rest us, I took one look at the slide show of his classmates and said to myself “That’s the girl he slept with for THAT assignment.” There was always one, always the prettiest and/or the smartest. Further evidence he was out of my league. But that was over and he was back to business as usual… laughing and joking and flirting mildly. I could tell he was a little bummed, missing her. After the 2nd or 3rd day, we were working late - as usual - and the pivotal moment happened. It was about 11pm, the base was quiet and dark. The lights were out in the office - as was our custom - except for the monitors of the computers on which we worked. He stopped talking for a moment, stopped joking. I looked over and saw how sad he looked. He didn’t say anything, but I knew he was thinking of her again.
I wanted to cheer him up, so I said (duh-duh-DUH) “Would it help if I sat in your lap?” That one sentence was the door through which he stepped into my heart and onto my soul. It was the beginning of the saddest, most painful period in my life… that terrible period’s end began with the passing of my grandfather several years later. That night was the night that he stopped being my boss and stopped being safe. The night his jokes weren’t just jokes, the flirting wasn’t harmless. The night I parted with sanity and reason.
“Would it help if I sat in your lap?”