I know it's been a while since I posted. Life has been pretty hectic. It's also been a very tough year or so for all of us.
My mother got Covid last year. I think because of it she had a heart attack and then late last year, doctors thought she had fluid around her heart - which I read is another symptom brought on by Covid.
Yesterday I was at her house when she had an episode where she couldn't breathe. This has been happening a lot lately, but this is the worst one I've witnessed. And I'm scared. I hate seeing her in this state. She gets herself into a panic state as well, which doesn't help the situation. We ended up calling the ambulance and it turned out her oxygen levels and her blood pressure was really low. She's in hospital at least until Monday.
I was talking with her neighbour, who used to be a nurse and she says when she looks at Mum, she feels like Mum isn't going to be around much longer. I'm feeling the same way.
I don't want to lose my mum, but on the other hand, it would be almost a relief because there wouldn't be the constant visits to hospital etc. I know there's no cure for what's going on with her.
But I do think there is a big reason why this is happening to her. And it's not Covid. It's smoking. She smoked until well into her 40s. If there is one thing I hate, it's that.
Here's the thing: Mum had bronchitis when she was 18 months old that almost killed her. Both her parents smoked. I don't know if my great-grandparents also smoked, but she grew up around it. Many years later a doctor would tell Mum she didn't have bronchitis, she had asthma. But of course, they didn't know much about asthma in the late 1940s.
She started smoking in her teens. She was officially diagnosed with asthma in her early 50s and COPD as well.
Both my parents smoked. I never did. I hated it then, and I hate it even more now. I feel like it has robbed me of my mother. Cancer already robbed me of my father, but as some of my friends know, that had less of an impact on me. The thing is, I know I wouldn't be where I am today without my Mum, firstly to run interference with my dad when he was trying to control me, and then to keep going when I wanted to give up on myself.
Of course, I also had my friends here, and I'm so grateful to you all for that. But Mum's had to put up with a lot where I'm concerned and I don't know what I'm going to do without her.