The end and then the beginning that ended almost as bad as the end ended
At the end I suppose. The end was difficult. It was a second ending. In some ways not as bad. In many ways worse. I've had few experiences of being so present as when we broke up. Both times actually. But this time being nearer chronologically makes it a more vivid recollection. Parts of me expected things to get a little easier. Trivial things. Like time for myself. And true, now I have time.
Parts of me expected things to get a little worse. Sadness or loneliness. And they both came.
Why are we such poor predictors of our own futures? It's a sad comment about the state of our own personal biases. Maybe it's not sad, maybe it's just what it is.
We haven't talked since it ended. That's been hard. Several times I've wanted to call. But I haven't. If things are bad I don't want to make them worse. I certainly miss her. But I think insane if I didn't.
It's been a while now. Over a month. What would I even say?
"Did you hear what I did at the beginning of April?"
And then I'd tell her what I'm about to tell you now...
Sometimes my level of stupid surprises me. And all for the sake of being clever and cute. That makes it even more stupid.
Here was my train of thought. Try to see if you can find where the train leaves the tracks.
I'm turning 30 very soon. I want to have a birthday party. April Fool's day is coming up. Turning 30 is like dying. OMG I SHOULD TOTALLY MAKE A BIRTHDAY INVITE OUT OF A JOKE MESSAGE SAYING I DYED!
A misfired neuron I'm guessing.
I made friend's cry. People called other people. Some aren't talking to me. I found out that one of my high school friend's younger brother died "recently" and that it was in bad form for me do that joke. Bad bad bad bad bad idea.
I even convinced myself I was being good by warning my mom. I did not want it getting back to her and her not know it was a joke. And one other friend who had a friend pass recently.
The letter was created to seem both real and have a few signs of fakery.
It didn't matter. I should not have done it. My mom did try to warn me. She told me not to do it. Mom's are good for that.
So that is the state of things. Well, plus or minus a few details I'll add soon.