I think you should begin the story with part of the lyrics to "Don't Stop Believin'" Like "Just a city boy born and raised in South Detroit took a midnight train going anywhere..." Barney took out his phone and realized it was Lyle.
The beginning's a little wonky. Like "This makes sense because that was the song assigned to Lyle in his phone." <-that sentence
weed, not week. Stoner. And your head of the school is your PAL... principal not principle. Both of them immediately duck down... Damn. I know your Mozilla has spell check.
It'd be kinda cool if you could incorporate the entire song throughout the narrative. As like headers or something, leading into the story. Like elaborate more about the chicken place, which happens to have a bar. "A singer in a smoky room smell of wine and cheap perfume" Blah, blah, blah chicken place.
I didn't know you wrote o-o; Guess there's a lot I dunno. lol it's very amusing though. I really feel for Mr. Dickens. pfft Pedophile teacher-man--appropriate.
The spelling isn't really something you should focus on in a story right off---at least I don't. Get the story down and the composition how you like it. Spelling is easy to take care of if you reread your work a couple of times. I doubt you crowded all the dialogue on purpose, but you can definitely use a bit of space here and there groups of dialogue and the actual writing. It makes it easier to read and might make it easier for you when looking over your work to find mistakes.
Anyways, I think the story is funny--how long are you planning to make it? Will you post progress or anything? I think I'm going to look forward to more just to see what happens and its nice to read something like this. ^.- Gimme more!
Comments 4
Like "Just a city boy
born and raised in South Detroit
took a midnight train going anywhere..."
Barney took out his phone and realized it was Lyle.
The beginning's a little wonky.
Like "This makes sense because that was the song assigned to Lyle in his phone." <-that sentence
weed, not week. Stoner.
And your head of the school is your PAL... principal not principle.
Both of them immediately duck down...
Damn. I know your Mozilla has spell check.
It'd be kinda cool if you could incorporate the entire song throughout the narrative. As like headers or something, leading into the story.
Like elaborate more about the chicken place, which happens to have a bar.
"A singer in a smoky room
smell of wine and cheap perfume"
Blah, blah, blah chicken place.
I don't know...
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The spelling isn't really something you should focus on in a story right off---at least I don't. Get the story down and the composition how you like it. Spelling is easy to take care of if you reread your work a couple of times. I doubt you crowded all the dialogue on purpose, but you can definitely use a bit of space here and there groups of dialogue and the actual writing. It makes it easier to read and might make it easier for you when looking over your work to find mistakes.
Anyways, I think the story is funny--how long are you planning to make it? Will you post progress or anything? I think I'm going to look forward to more just to see what happens and its nice to read something like this. ^.- Gimme more!
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