Falling apart....
I feel like everything is weighing down on me right now and that I'm going to just lose it at any moment. I do not like this feeling. Tonight I went to my addictions recovery group, and they were talking about resentments. Well, let me tell ya, I've definately got some of those. And I hate it. I am about to sound like the most selfish horrible person in the world, but I'm going to just "spill" for a minute anyways. One of the resentments I have (really, I don't have many resentments...just a couple) is with my sister in law Kimberly and my brother Jeff. However, I feel more resentment and anger towards Kimberly than I do Jeff and it's probably because Jeff is my brother...I don't know. And this is where I really start to sound selfish and horrible, but I get so angry and pissed off at the way she's raising my nephews Ian and Connor. When she found out she had a brain tumor a few years ago, and they removed it, her whole personality changed. She was/is NOT an easy person to get along with. She would say things or do things that would just make me so mad, but the excuse was always "she has a hole in her head" so it's ok. Then when she started the chemo pills, she would feel bad for about a week and a half out of the month. I guess it made her feel bad all the time, but it was worse the week and a half she had to take the pills. So she just let her boys run wild in the neighborhood. Connor was only 3 when she was letting him have free reign of the neighborhood with Ian, who was only 5. She still does that...those boys get very little supervision, and it just scares me and it pisses me off, and I just hate it. Then, when the boys ARE home with her, her temper is so explosive (became that way after surgery) that THAT pisses me off too! So what I've done is just separate myself from them...which is probably really horrible of me. But I hate seeing them abused that way, I hate seeing Jeff make excuses for her and then even joining in that way of raising the boys when he KNOWS BETTER, and it just kills me. So now, Kimberly's surgery to remove the brain tumor that has come back is on Tuesday. She didn't even think of the boys. I mean, she did, but not the way I think she should have...which again, is probably very wrong of me. But, she wants Jeff to stay at the hospital with her all the time and have my mom take care of the boys and make sure that their homework is done, they're getting fed, and in bed. It makes more sense for Jeff to be the one to pick the boys up and do the night thing with them so that it's easier for the boys to cope. It's always easier on a kid to have their own parent with them during a crisis like this. So that just bothers me, but it's not my call so I just have to let it go. When I made plans to quit my job and just do school and watch Becca, Anna, Alex, and Kaitlynn a few days a week this summer I didn't know that Kimberly's tumor was back. None of us did yet. And I already assume that I'll probably have Ian and Connor a lot this summer also since Kimberly will be on IV chemo this time and radiation, and really won't be able to watch them well (like she did before...?!). So Kimberly asked me when my last day of work was. She hasn't asked me to watch them, but I will, and I know she's already assuming that I'm going to. But at the same time, I'm so angry at her for getting them to the point they're at now...out of control, major anger issues (they don't think counseling is important...Ian sees the school counselor a little bit, and that's it. The kids needs THERAPY) and now I'm the one who's going to have to deal with that. I know that's really selfish of me to be angry at her when she has cancer, and she's been dealing with this for a few years...I can't imagine how hard it would be to raise 2 kids while battling that at the same time. But, there are plenty of days (and the whole past year) where she feels great and she still sleeps in until noon, then takes a nap later, has no idea where the boys are, and goes looking for them when it gets dark....and I just hate that. So ya. There are some definite resentments that I'm having to face right now so that I can get past it and not have it affect my relationship with the boys, even though it already has. Blah. I feel like I'm not even making any sense now.
Then there's the normal anxiety that comes with the whole surgery and cancer thing (even though I'm royally pissed at her, I still love her), and the anxieties of quitting my job and feeling like I'm never going to make it and going back to school full time in the fall is a mistake and that I'll just fail. Everyone is so proud of me for making the decision to go back to school full time, but I am scared out of my mind. I haven't coped well with school EVER (college, anyhow). And I haven't been "full time" since my first semesters out of highschool, and that landed me in treatment for my eating disorder. I just feel completely overwhelmed and like I'm starting to just lose it....I cried in my group which makes me feel like an idiot, and I had to fight back the tears the entire stinkin' meeting. When it was over I just bolted for the door and left. If anyone had even tried to say anything to me, I would have lost it and I can't have that....not now. I've got to get a grip and just deal with life.
That's all for now.