Reply
I was writing a reply to a comment, but I realized I was saying everything I had meant to say in a post anyway. This is kind of unorthodox but I'm too lazy to make it elegant; I'll just reply here.
Original comment
We're on the same page with that, but this situation isn't a matter of "waiting for God to change me". I do want to change, and if I saw a goal worth my while I would jump at it with all my strength, but I see no such goal. For the first time I feel like I'm starting to understand what Devon says about looking in the mirror and not recognizing himself, but I'm at a loss for what to do about it.
The last time I seriously thought about life in the year 2010, I was a child. It was 15 years ago - my brother was putting together a time capsule that we'll be opening in a few days - and all I remember thinking was that I'd be an adult by now. But here I am, an adult in theory, and I have no idea what that means or how it happened. The only things I've held onto from then until now are my family, (presumably) my intelligence, and (the fundamentals of) my faith. It just doesn't seem like enough to build an identity on.
I'll try not to despair my situation too much, because I know it gets old fast. But the source of the despair I do have is that I feel like my options are limited, and that no course of action that would expand my options would introduce anything preferable to what I already have.
I can't recall ever being bummed about a new year before. I guess in light of the time capsule thing, compounded with the things I've already been struggling with, it feels like an indictment.
~~~
Lyric dump:
When the bus-shelter windows and napkin dispensers surprise
With distorted reflections, it's never the someone you're hoping to recognize;
When the rent is too high living here between reasons to live,
Where you can't sleep alone, and your memories groan, and the borders of night start to give;
When you can't save
Cash or conviction -
You're broke and you're breaking,
A tired shoelace or a wave.
So long past past-due.
A new name for everything.
Original comment
We're on the same page with that, but this situation isn't a matter of "waiting for God to change me". I do want to change, and if I saw a goal worth my while I would jump at it with all my strength, but I see no such goal. For the first time I feel like I'm starting to understand what Devon says about looking in the mirror and not recognizing himself, but I'm at a loss for what to do about it.
The last time I seriously thought about life in the year 2010, I was a child. It was 15 years ago - my brother was putting together a time capsule that we'll be opening in a few days - and all I remember thinking was that I'd be an adult by now. But here I am, an adult in theory, and I have no idea what that means or how it happened. The only things I've held onto from then until now are my family, (presumably) my intelligence, and (the fundamentals of) my faith. It just doesn't seem like enough to build an identity on.
I'll try not to despair my situation too much, because I know it gets old fast. But the source of the despair I do have is that I feel like my options are limited, and that no course of action that would expand my options would introduce anything preferable to what I already have.
I can't recall ever being bummed about a new year before. I guess in light of the time capsule thing, compounded with the things I've already been struggling with, it feels like an indictment.
~~~
Lyric dump:
When the bus-shelter windows and napkin dispensers surprise
With distorted reflections, it's never the someone you're hoping to recognize;
When the rent is too high living here between reasons to live,
Where you can't sleep alone, and your memories groan, and the borders of night start to give;
When you can't save
Cash or conviction -
You're broke and you're breaking,
A tired shoelace or a wave.
So long past past-due.
A new name for everything.