WE INTERRUPT YOUR DAILY PROGRAM TO BRING YOU THIS MESSAGE
I JUST SAW JOURNEY'S END
I THINK THAT WAS THE WORST HOUR OF TELEVISION I HAVE EVER SAT THROUGH.
SERIOUSLY I THINK I AM GOING TO FLY TO RUSSELL T DAVIES' HOUSE AND DEMAND A REFUND FOR THE TIME I SPENT ON IT AND THEN PROBABLY POOP ON HIS LAWN
IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T FIGURED OUT, PRETTY MUCH THIS ENTIRE POST IS GOING TO BE IN CAPSLOCK BECAUSE IT WAS JUST THAT FUCKING BAD.
WHERE TO EVEN START? EVEN BEYOND THE PLOTTING ITSELF THE WRITING WAS AS DULL AND OBVIOUS AS POSSIBLE. EVERY TIME THERE WAS ANY TROUBLE, A CHARACTER WOULD WAVE A MAGIC TECHNOBABBLE WAND AND INSTANTLY EVERYTHING WOULD BE SOLVED. I REALIZE THAT SCI-FI LOGIC IS NOT RTD'S STRONG SUIT, SO I AM ABLE TO MAKE ALLOWANCES. I WAS EVEN ABLE TO LOOK PAST THE ARCHANGEL NETWORK SHIT FROM SEASON THREE BECAUSE EVEN IF RTD DIDN'T HIT ON IT, THERE WAS A TOTALLY LOGICAL WAY TO MAKE THAT BELIEVABLY WORK. BUT THIS WASN'T EVEN TRYING.
SOMEWHERE AROUND THE POINT WHERE JACK AND MARTHA WERE SLIDING HELPLESS DALEKS AROUND THE FLOOR LIKE AIR HOCKEY PUCKS, I TURNED TO MY BROTHER AND SAID 'WOW, IT'S LIKE I'M REALLY WATCHING BATMAN AND ROBIN'. HE LAUGHED IN AGREEMENT.
WHICHEVER SIDE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE CONTROL AT A GIVEN MOMENT COULD EFFORTLESSLY DO WHATEVER THEY PLEASED WITH NO RESISTANCE WHATSOEVER. BUT THEN, THE INSTANT THE OTHER SIDE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN CONTROL, TOTAL POWER SWITCHOVER, AGAIN WITH NO RESISTANCE. IT MADE EVERYBODY LOOK LIKE CHUMPS, BUT ESPECIALLY THE DALEKS, WHO WENT FROM OMNIPOTENT WAR MACHINES TO THREE STOOGES REENACTORS AT THE DROP OF A FUCKING HAT
AND THEN THE 'EMOTIONAL' SCENES. OH GOD DO NOT EVEN GET ME STARTED. WHEN DID THESE CHARACTERS BECOME MOUTH-BREATHING CLICHE MACHINES?
BUT ACTUALLY YOU KNOW WHAT NO MATTER HOW STUPID IT WAS, NOT COUNTING THE SCENES WITH DONNA AND ROSE AT THE END, BECAUSE THOSE WERE SO BAD THAT THEY DEFY DESCRIPTION, NONE OF IT WAS AS STRAIGHT-UP DUMB AS THAT 'BLUHBLUH SYSTEM' THAT MARTHA TRIED BLUFFING DAVROS WITH. SERIOUSLY, UNIT BUILT A FUCKING SELF-DESTRUCT DEVICE INTO THE PLANET EARTH? REALLY? REALLY? YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK, PEOPLE!
AND TWENTY-FIVE NUCLEAR WARHEADS TO BLOW THE EARTH TO PIECES? UUUUUUUUH, NO. RTD DID YOU EVEN CONSULT GOOGLE BEFORE YOU WROTE THIS CRAP? BECAUSE IF YOU HAD YOU WOULD HAVE FOUND A WEBSITE DEDICATED TO NOTHING BUT EXPLAINING TO YOUR DUMB ASS THAT THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE. SERIOUSLY, GOOGLE 'HOW TO DESTROY THE EARTH' AND THIS IS THE FIRST FUCKING LINK.
'IF EVER THE SUFFERING WAS SO BAD' OH MY FUCKING GOOOOOOOD I LOVE YOU MARTHA I REALLY DO, BUT YOU NEED TO SHUT YOUR MOUTH BECAUSE WHEN YOU OPEN IT RIGHT NOW, SOME MORE OF RTD'S MORONIC BULLSHIT FALLS OUT. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT BUT PLEASE. FOR MY SANITY.
AND THEN THE ENDING. OH MY FUCKING GOD THE ENDING. IT WAS EXACTLY AS BAD AS I'D HEARD AND WORSE. THE SCENE WITH ROSE WAS BAD - IT WAS UNBELIEVABLY BAD, HE DIDN'T EVEN GIVE HER A CHOICE, HE JUST DECIDED 'DURP DURP YOU GET TO SIT IN THIS PARALLEL UNIVERSE REFORMING OTHER!ME' AND THEN RAN OFF WHILE THEY WERE SNOGGING - BUT THE ONE WITH DONNA WAS EVEN WORSE, BECAUSE IT COMES OUT OF NOWHERE AND ADDS NOTHING OF VALUE TO THE EPISODE. AND THEN HE WIPES HER MIND WHILE SHE BEGS HIM NOT TO. WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THAT, APART FROM MAKING IT CLEAR THAT NO MERE HUMAN WOMAN COULD EVER HANDLE THE DOCTOR'S MAGNIFICENT BRAIN, AND THAT THE DOCTOR APPARENTLY MUST FOREVER BE A MORE FLAMBOYANT BATMAN. FUCK THIS FOREVER.
WHICH REMINDS ME. EVER SINCE MOFFAT WAS ANNOUNCED AS NEW POINT MAN FOR THE SHOW, THE BLOGOSPHERE HAS BEEN BUZZING WITH CRIES OF 'SHOW'S RUINED, IT'S RUN BY A SEXIST NOW'. I'M NOT GOING TO GET INTO AN ARGUMENT ABOUT HIS SEXISM CREDENTIALS EITHER WAY, BUT MY RESPONSE TO THAT HAS ALWAYS BEEN HOW WOULD YOU TELL THE DIFFERENCE? AND AMONG THIS EPISODE'S FEW SAVING GRACES IS A STARK REMINDER OF WHY: THAT CONVENIENT FLASHBACK COLLECTION OF ALL THE PEOPLE WHO DIED FOR THE DOCTOR'S SAKE.
THERE WAS LIKE A HUNDRED OF THEM, AND ALL OF FOUR HAD A PENIS. THANKS FOR PUTTING ALL OF THAT IN PERSPECTIVE, RTD. BRING ON MOFFAT, I SAY, THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS THAT ONE OF THEM GROKS SCIENCE FICTION AND THE OTHER DOESN'T.
(FOR THE RECORD I HAVE NOT ACTUALLY WATCHED ANY OF SEASON FIVE, AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED IT IS STILL A HYPOTHETICAL. IT WILL LIKELY REMAIN THAT WAY FOR A LONG WHILE, AS THIS FESTERING PIECE OF SHIT HAS, I THINK, KILLED THE LAST VESTIGES OF ENTHUSIASM FOR THIS SERIES)
AND JUST IN CASE YOU THOUGHT THE WRITING WAS MY ONLY BEEF, OH NO, NOBODY'S GETTING OFF EASY ON THIS ONE, EXCEPT FOR THE POOR ACTORS WHO I THINK FOR THE MOST PART DID THE BEST THEY COULD WITH THE MATERIAL THEY WERE GIVEN. THE DIRECTING AND EDITING WERE NOTHING SHORT OF ABYSMAL. I REALIZE THAT PUTTING TOGETHER AN EPISODE CONTAINING TWO CHARACTERS PLAYED BY THE SAME PERSON CANNOT BE AN EASY TASK, BUT THEY FAILED. MISERABLY.
AND THE MUSIC. OH MY GOD, I'VE NEVER SEEN SUCH NAKED EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION IN MY LIFE. I'M A SUCKER FOR A SWELLING ORCHESTRAL SCORE, BUT THIS WAS SO OBVIOUSLY AND HAMHANDEDLY TELLING YOU WHAT TO FEEL, EVEN I COULDN'T GET INTO IT.
AND THE EFFECTS GUYS CAN GO FUCK THEMSELVES TOO, EXCEPT FOR THE GUYS WHO DID DAVROS' FACE, THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD. EVERYTHING ELSE, THOUGH, WAS A DISASTER. I KNOW, I KNOW, COMPLAINING ABOUT SPECIAL EFFECTS IN A WHO EPISODE, BUT EVEN FOR WHO, THIS WAS BAD. THE STUPID SCORPION MONSTER IN THE FUCKING LAZARUS EXPERIMENT LOOKED MORE CONVINCING THAN THIS.
THIS EPISODE SUCKED ENORMOUS DONKEY BALLS. THE BBC SHOULD ISSUE A PUBLIC APOLOGY FOR INFLICTING IT ON US. IT MAKES ME THINK THAT GOVERNMENT CENSORSHIP OF THE ARTS MIGHT NOT BE SUCH A BAD IDEA AFTER ALL. YOU PROBABLY THINK I AM PULLING AN ANGRY VIDEO GAME NERD AND EXAGGERATING HOW MUCH I HATE IT FOR COMEDIC EFFECT, BUT I'M NOT. I HATE IT THE WAY DALEKS HATE EVERYTHING. I SPENT THE ENTIRE HOUR GOING THROUGH VARIOUS ITERATIONS OF THIS FACE:
PUNCTUATED OCCASIONALLY BY SHOUTS OF 'ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!?'
IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THIS EPISODE, DON'T. SPARE YOURSELF. IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY-BAD, IT'S JUST BAD-BAD.
Davros was all right, I guess. The one shining star of crazy in the middle of...whatever the fuck you want to call the rest of this mess.
I THINK THAT WAS THE WORST HOUR OF TELEVISION I HAVE EVER SAT THROUGH.
SERIOUSLY I THINK I AM GOING TO FLY TO RUSSELL T DAVIES' HOUSE AND DEMAND A REFUND FOR THE TIME I SPENT ON IT AND THEN PROBABLY POOP ON HIS LAWN
IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T FIGURED OUT, PRETTY MUCH THIS ENTIRE POST IS GOING TO BE IN CAPSLOCK BECAUSE IT WAS JUST THAT FUCKING BAD.
WHERE TO EVEN START? EVEN BEYOND THE PLOTTING ITSELF THE WRITING WAS AS DULL AND OBVIOUS AS POSSIBLE. EVERY TIME THERE WAS ANY TROUBLE, A CHARACTER WOULD WAVE A MAGIC TECHNOBABBLE WAND AND INSTANTLY EVERYTHING WOULD BE SOLVED. I REALIZE THAT SCI-FI LOGIC IS NOT RTD'S STRONG SUIT, SO I AM ABLE TO MAKE ALLOWANCES. I WAS EVEN ABLE TO LOOK PAST THE ARCHANGEL NETWORK SHIT FROM SEASON THREE BECAUSE EVEN IF RTD DIDN'T HIT ON IT, THERE WAS A TOTALLY LOGICAL WAY TO MAKE THAT BELIEVABLY WORK. BUT THIS WASN'T EVEN TRYING.
SOMEWHERE AROUND THE POINT WHERE JACK AND MARTHA WERE SLIDING HELPLESS DALEKS AROUND THE FLOOR LIKE AIR HOCKEY PUCKS, I TURNED TO MY BROTHER AND SAID 'WOW, IT'S LIKE I'M REALLY WATCHING BATMAN AND ROBIN'. HE LAUGHED IN AGREEMENT.
WHICHEVER SIDE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE CONTROL AT A GIVEN MOMENT COULD EFFORTLESSLY DO WHATEVER THEY PLEASED WITH NO RESISTANCE WHATSOEVER. BUT THEN, THE INSTANT THE OTHER SIDE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN CONTROL, TOTAL POWER SWITCHOVER, AGAIN WITH NO RESISTANCE. IT MADE EVERYBODY LOOK LIKE CHUMPS, BUT ESPECIALLY THE DALEKS, WHO WENT FROM OMNIPOTENT WAR MACHINES TO THREE STOOGES REENACTORS AT THE DROP OF A FUCKING HAT
AND THEN THE 'EMOTIONAL' SCENES. OH GOD DO NOT EVEN GET ME STARTED. WHEN DID THESE CHARACTERS BECOME MOUTH-BREATHING CLICHE MACHINES?
BUT ACTUALLY YOU KNOW WHAT NO MATTER HOW STUPID IT WAS, NOT COUNTING THE SCENES WITH DONNA AND ROSE AT THE END, BECAUSE THOSE WERE SO BAD THAT THEY DEFY DESCRIPTION, NONE OF IT WAS AS STRAIGHT-UP DUMB AS THAT 'BLUHBLUH SYSTEM' THAT MARTHA TRIED BLUFFING DAVROS WITH. SERIOUSLY, UNIT BUILT A FUCKING SELF-DESTRUCT DEVICE INTO THE PLANET EARTH? REALLY? REALLY? YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK, PEOPLE!
AND TWENTY-FIVE NUCLEAR WARHEADS TO BLOW THE EARTH TO PIECES? UUUUUUUUH, NO. RTD DID YOU EVEN CONSULT GOOGLE BEFORE YOU WROTE THIS CRAP? BECAUSE IF YOU HAD YOU WOULD HAVE FOUND A WEBSITE DEDICATED TO NOTHING BUT EXPLAINING TO YOUR DUMB ASS THAT THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE. SERIOUSLY, GOOGLE 'HOW TO DESTROY THE EARTH' AND THIS IS THE FIRST FUCKING LINK.
'IF EVER THE SUFFERING WAS SO BAD' OH MY FUCKING GOOOOOOOD I LOVE YOU MARTHA I REALLY DO, BUT YOU NEED TO SHUT YOUR MOUTH BECAUSE WHEN YOU OPEN IT RIGHT NOW, SOME MORE OF RTD'S MORONIC BULLSHIT FALLS OUT. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT BUT PLEASE. FOR MY SANITY.
AND THEN THE ENDING. OH MY FUCKING GOD THE ENDING. IT WAS EXACTLY AS BAD AS I'D HEARD AND WORSE. THE SCENE WITH ROSE WAS BAD - IT WAS UNBELIEVABLY BAD, HE DIDN'T EVEN GIVE HER A CHOICE, HE JUST DECIDED 'DURP DURP YOU GET TO SIT IN THIS PARALLEL UNIVERSE REFORMING OTHER!ME' AND THEN RAN OFF WHILE THEY WERE SNOGGING - BUT THE ONE WITH DONNA WAS EVEN WORSE, BECAUSE IT COMES OUT OF NOWHERE AND ADDS NOTHING OF VALUE TO THE EPISODE. AND THEN HE WIPES HER MIND WHILE SHE BEGS HIM NOT TO. WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THAT, APART FROM MAKING IT CLEAR THAT NO MERE HUMAN WOMAN COULD EVER HANDLE THE DOCTOR'S MAGNIFICENT BRAIN, AND THAT THE DOCTOR APPARENTLY MUST FOREVER BE A MORE FLAMBOYANT BATMAN. FUCK THIS FOREVER.
WHICH REMINDS ME. EVER SINCE MOFFAT WAS ANNOUNCED AS NEW POINT MAN FOR THE SHOW, THE BLOGOSPHERE HAS BEEN BUZZING WITH CRIES OF 'SHOW'S RUINED, IT'S RUN BY A SEXIST NOW'. I'M NOT GOING TO GET INTO AN ARGUMENT ABOUT HIS SEXISM CREDENTIALS EITHER WAY, BUT MY RESPONSE TO THAT HAS ALWAYS BEEN HOW WOULD YOU TELL THE DIFFERENCE? AND AMONG THIS EPISODE'S FEW SAVING GRACES IS A STARK REMINDER OF WHY: THAT CONVENIENT FLASHBACK COLLECTION OF ALL THE PEOPLE WHO DIED FOR THE DOCTOR'S SAKE.
THERE WAS LIKE A HUNDRED OF THEM, AND ALL OF FOUR HAD A PENIS. THANKS FOR PUTTING ALL OF THAT IN PERSPECTIVE, RTD. BRING ON MOFFAT, I SAY, THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS THAT ONE OF THEM GROKS SCIENCE FICTION AND THE OTHER DOESN'T.
(FOR THE RECORD I HAVE NOT ACTUALLY WATCHED ANY OF SEASON FIVE, AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED IT IS STILL A HYPOTHETICAL. IT WILL LIKELY REMAIN THAT WAY FOR A LONG WHILE, AS THIS FESTERING PIECE OF SHIT HAS, I THINK, KILLED THE LAST VESTIGES OF ENTHUSIASM FOR THIS SERIES)
AND JUST IN CASE YOU THOUGHT THE WRITING WAS MY ONLY BEEF, OH NO, NOBODY'S GETTING OFF EASY ON THIS ONE, EXCEPT FOR THE POOR ACTORS WHO I THINK FOR THE MOST PART DID THE BEST THEY COULD WITH THE MATERIAL THEY WERE GIVEN. THE DIRECTING AND EDITING WERE NOTHING SHORT OF ABYSMAL. I REALIZE THAT PUTTING TOGETHER AN EPISODE CONTAINING TWO CHARACTERS PLAYED BY THE SAME PERSON CANNOT BE AN EASY TASK, BUT THEY FAILED. MISERABLY.
AND THE MUSIC. OH MY GOD, I'VE NEVER SEEN SUCH NAKED EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION IN MY LIFE. I'M A SUCKER FOR A SWELLING ORCHESTRAL SCORE, BUT THIS WAS SO OBVIOUSLY AND HAMHANDEDLY TELLING YOU WHAT TO FEEL, EVEN I COULDN'T GET INTO IT.
AND THE EFFECTS GUYS CAN GO FUCK THEMSELVES TOO, EXCEPT FOR THE GUYS WHO DID DAVROS' FACE, THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD. EVERYTHING ELSE, THOUGH, WAS A DISASTER. I KNOW, I KNOW, COMPLAINING ABOUT SPECIAL EFFECTS IN A WHO EPISODE, BUT EVEN FOR WHO, THIS WAS BAD. THE STUPID SCORPION MONSTER IN THE FUCKING LAZARUS EXPERIMENT LOOKED MORE CONVINCING THAN THIS.
THIS EPISODE SUCKED ENORMOUS DONKEY BALLS. THE BBC SHOULD ISSUE A PUBLIC APOLOGY FOR INFLICTING IT ON US. IT MAKES ME THINK THAT GOVERNMENT CENSORSHIP OF THE ARTS MIGHT NOT BE SUCH A BAD IDEA AFTER ALL. YOU PROBABLY THINK I AM PULLING AN ANGRY VIDEO GAME NERD AND EXAGGERATING HOW MUCH I HATE IT FOR COMEDIC EFFECT, BUT I'M NOT. I HATE IT THE WAY DALEKS HATE EVERYTHING. I SPENT THE ENTIRE HOUR GOING THROUGH VARIOUS ITERATIONS OF THIS FACE:
PUNCTUATED OCCASIONALLY BY SHOUTS OF 'ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!?'
IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THIS EPISODE, DON'T. SPARE YOURSELF. IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY-BAD, IT'S JUST BAD-BAD.
Davros was all right, I guess. The one shining star of crazy in the middle of...whatever the fuck you want to call the rest of this mess.