Multti Chapter fic - Because it was you Chapter 2
Sometimes, you want to hold on to the things you don’t love just because it would feel empty without them. On the other hand, not being able to get something you never had in the first place didn’t leave you as lost as losing something that had always belonged to you. Things like Koyama, Shige understood. Koyama was familiar to him; the blank space that he would have left if he was gone would be too much.
The phone call was shorter than he expected. The reactions, tamer.
“I understand, Shige. Ryo-Chan told me that he let it slip to Koyama last night. I saw this coming.”
“I’m so sorry, Yamashita Kun… I…”
“It’s fine, Shige. I’ll see you around then.”
Shige winced as he listened to the older boy’s voice crackle abit from the other side of the line. He wanted to say those 3 words, but with Koyama’s head lying on his lap, he couldn’t.
So he hung up, He hung up on their line. He watched as Koyama shifted a bit in his sleep and he watched as Nana-Chan stared at the door. He knew she was lonely; she missed the man she had come to love. The man he had come to love. He saw Wagahai shake his head slowly, disappointed.
His heart skipped a beat as he felt Koyama stir. Probably, even thinking of him was prohibited. Koyama uttered a soft ‘Ohaiyou.’ Shige nodded, not returning the smile properly, looking awkward, and not being himself. Koyama was not stupid.
“Are you okay?”
“I think I’m coming down with a Head cold.”
“You want me to come back another time?”
“You sure?” Koyama felt a little disappointed that Shige didn’t ask him to stay.
“I’ll come back when you’re better.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
Koyama left the room, he left the boy. Maybe it wasn’t his fault, but the guilt wouldn’t leave him. One thing’s for sure. He wasn’t about to lose.
Nana-Chan whined as she desperately tried to lick up her owner’s tears. But they were falling too fast, too quickly. Pouring out too much from the heart, leaving a shell. Shige told himself not to be stupid. It was right for Yamashita Kun to give up so easily, it was okay that Yamashita Kun had predicted this; it was okay because Yamashita Kun had never really been his.
“Ya...Yamapi.”
He chided himself. Silly boy, no attachments.
“Yamashita Kun.”
He felt Wagahai’s cold tongue gazed his cheek slightly, almost unfelt, fading almost instantly. Fading away were the times that never really belonged to him.
It felt so painful. Touch and go.
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Koyama held the cold hand in his as they walked into the room, the hand was shaking. Shige was shaking. As they took that first step inside, Yamapi turned. He looked away. Everyone said nothing and Shige shook off the hand that held him. He had provided the needed evidence for them. That was enough.
Ryo patted the older boy on the back and congratulated them, feeling neither happy nor sad about the situation. Tegoshi just sighed softly, spinning in his chair and addressing the oblivious Massu. Koyama smiled warmly, as much as he possibly could with the slight pain in his heart that he had attained the minute he saw the back of Yamapi’s head. Koyama probably wouldn’t have been able to face him any way; the younger boy just did the job for him. Shige shook harder beside him and continued to tremble as he saw Yamapi turn to face them. His heart leapt as he watched the boy approach them. He wished to be saved, or at least to be told that this was alright. But the boy just pat Koyama on the back and asked him about lunch that afternoon.
Lunch, he didn’t even amount to that. It was time to forget. Shige reminded himself that good byes could never be reversed. He chose the path he was walking down; there was no turning back with Koyama holding his hand.
He felt the older boy grip it. He gripped it tightly enough to hurt him. This wasn’t Koyama anymore. It wasn’t his best friend. He had already lost that.
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“Koyama, about those dance steps this afternoon, I…” Yamapi blinked as he was soon interrupted.
“Are you angry?”
“What?”
“Are you?”
“I’m not angry. It’s just my fault that things turned out this way.”
“But, I stole him from you.”
“You wouldn’t have been able to if I could have held on to him harder.”
Koyama stared in disbelief at the smile playing on the younger boy’s face. He watched as the boy rub at his eyes and grin back once again.
“It’s my fault. I prophesied it. “ Yamapi chuckled, turning away. “ I just wished that I could have gone back. So there wouldn’t be this pain.”
These were words that Shige remembered as he stood outside the door, listening. He knew those lyrics were still in his back pocket. He didn’t want to go back to forget. He wanted to go back to do the right thing, to do what would not result in his losing both things.
But, life never went that way.
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Koyama knew the younger boy was standing outside the door and didn’t stop him. Partly, he wanted to test the younger boy. Partly, he wanted to know what would happen, what would happen if Shige realized that Yamapi was human and that he still cared. What would happen?
When he saw the younger boy’s face after leaving the room, he didn’t want to know.
He just didn’t want to lose anymore. But he had already been defeated. So easily defeated.
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Yamapi drank excessively. He wanted to be alone, but he wanted to be alone with Ryo. Ryo just sat there, listened, threw him a wet tissue once in a while to wipe off the tears and most importantly didn’t leave until he said he could.
Ryo didn’t tell him to stop drinking like Shige would. Ryo didn’t cry listening to his heart ache like Shige did. Ryo just stared and listened. Because Ryo wasn’t Shige, Yamapi felt comfortable.
Ryo didn’t speak the entire night and Yamapi spoke, pain after pain he spoke. Ryo listened as he heard the boy shout in anger.
Ryo just listened, absorbing the heartache. Ryo did all this because Ryo loved him.
Yamapi did all this because he didn’t know.
Ryo drank excessively too, drinking the sight away. Drinking his presence away. Drinking the situation away. He couldn’t remain sober listening because he knew how he would react. He knew it would break the younger boy’s heart again.
They sat there drinking, bottle after bottle at the restaurant next to the sea which they both loved, at a restaurant named the ‘Horizon’, where the waves continued crashing against the shore and the empty sky. Where the sea was endless and could only continue on with the tears.