One-shot: Tangles of what is left behind (part 2)

[sashjun]

Title: Tangles of what is left behind
Pairing: Jin, Yamapi and cameos of established Ryo,Ueda
Rating: NC 17
Warnings: future fic, features an OC - a child
Summary: After failing in the States, Jin decides not to continue his career in Japan. Instead, he turns his life upside down. Not everyone understands.
Notes: 22.508 words, written for ryogrande as a part of help_japan. Finally!
Dear ryogrande, I hope you like this and the fic themes don’t end up squicking you in any way. I haven’t read any PIN in ages, though I think someone used the Jin failing premise already. LOL I hope my perspective is different. Plus I really do not discuss it much. ♥

Thanks to Beth and Rei for all the cheerleading and Maia and Lee for beta and grammar advices. Yeah this really was a collective effort.

Part 1 // Part 2

“That’s it?” Ryo asks and Ueda elbows him in the stomach. It’s spring already, and they are sitting outside Jin’s house, watching the ocean. Ueda had bluntly asked about Yamapi, this time while everyone was completely sober. Ryo lit a cigarette and mumbled something about Pi never being home on the weekends.

“Well, he’s come back a few times since then,” Jin shrugs. He feels pretty stupid talking about this. There really is nothing to talk about. Unless he wants to mention the two accidental brushes of their hands as they watched a movie, the one time Yamapi decided to tickle Jin until Jin lost all of his breath and Yamapi froze on top of him and made it all awkward, and the time Ayano asked Jin why he was staring while Yamapi decided to strip down to his boxers and try the early spring ocean. They always sat pretty close together when the occasion rose and Jin felt way too warm in places that got close to Yamapi. Then there were those wondering looks. Yamapi was also basically living with Jin’s family when Jin came to visit for the first time that year, no one really commenting on him basically whisking both Jin and Ayano around. Really, he isn’t going to talk about that with those two.

“Jin. You know, you spacing out in the middle of the conversation is not helping your cause,” Ueda says loudly. Ryo sticks his tongue out at Jin when Jin looks at them in confusion (how Ueda can actually stand him all the time is a mystery).

“I don’t know what you want to hear from me. It’s all weird, and it’s Ueda’s fault. And even if I wanted for something to be there, it’s not like I could just say it and make it happen.”

“Why not?” Ueda muses. Ryo suddenly wraps his arms around him and Jin can’t look at them.

“Get a room, will you?” he asks and it comes out bitter.

For some reason he doesn’t get a snarky retort in return. Ryo lets go of Ueda and goes to get them some food, claiming to be suddenly hungry again.

“Jin,” Ueda starts.

“Don’t,” Jin stops him. “Don’t try to tell me what I should do. I don’t even know what to think. I don’t think I can sit here and listen to your old-wise-settled-down-man advice on this. I still blame you for even considering any of this.”

“No, you don’t,” Ueda retorts then looks a bit torn. In the end, he doesn’t press Jin anymore. “When are you coming back to Japan? I’ll take you to lunch.”

“Not until school gets out for the summer,” Jin replies. Ueda nods and Ryo comes back with food and a guitar. Jin doesn’t know what Ueda hoped to achieve or what he did achieve with this talk, but he feels oddly calm just knowing these two have been thinking about it; that the ideas swirling in his head aren’t completely insane.

*

Next time Yamapi comes for the weekend they almost kiss (or Jin thinks they almost do because he definitely almost closed his eyes and moved closer when Yamapi turned around to tell him off for disturbing his effort to make the best curry ever served on the Hawaiian Islands). However, the thing about having a first grader running around the house is that they are unpredictable and have no sense of privacy. In hindsight, Jin has no clue where the kiss would have taken them. They never ever talk about how things are completely insane, charged, and very much not normal. He doesn’t believe one kiss would change that. By now, Jin feels that maybe he’s not the only one that might have his head full of love songs about things that are near to impossible. But what would change if Yamapi actually felt anything remotely close to what is storming inside of Jin?

*

Yamapi doesn’t come to Hawaii for the next month thought they still email and call each other from time to time. Ayano keeps bugging Jin about it, and Jin keeps telling her it’s normal that Yamapi can’t be here practically every other weekend.

“He’s so much better at explaining kanji than Aka-kun is,” she whines.

“He has other friends than us, and he is very busy. You know, he’s a little famous,” Jin says and ruffles her hair.

“Is that what we are? His friends?” Ayano asks, and it takes Jin completely by surprise. He freezes half through fixing her hair and turns Ayano around.

“What kind of questions is that?” he asks.

Ayano blinks at him. “I thought he might be family,” she says plainly.

“Like my brother? Like Leo?” Jin asks slowly, but Ayano shakes his head, and Jin’s hands start trembling. “Ayano-chan, explain. Has anyone said anything to you?”

“I have a friend at school; she has two moms,” Ayano explains. “Is it wrong if I wanted two dads?”

Jin doesn’t know what to say. He is panicking so much on the inside and trying to wrap his mind around what Ayano is saying-around why she could be even thinking it.

“I’m not your dad,” he blurts out. Ayano’s face clouds over. “I mean, am I not enough?” he tries again, the option terrifying him the moment he thinks about it.

“You’re like my dad.” Ayano says stubbornly. “I love Aka-kun. You take care of me,” she insists. “That’s what parents do.”

“Then shouldn’t that be enough? Or maybe you want to have a mom like your friends have,” Jin tries again, still scared about where this is coming from.

“Pi-chan takes care of me the most after Aka-kun. And you like it when Pi-chan is here. He plays with you when he doesn’t play with me. I think he likes us the best.” Ayano says.

Jin shakes his head.

“Is it wrong to want Pi-chan to always come see us?” Ayano asks. “If he is my dad, maybe he’d come even more often.”

Jin’s mind is all boggled; all the questions and Ayano’s reasons are driving him to the wall. He doesn’t know what to say.

“Are you sure you don’t want a mom. You know another girl who would cook better than me or Pi. And she could braid your hair and help you pick out a new skirt and teach you how to sew the buttons back on, bake you a huge cake for birthday.”

“You can braid my hair. And I think they’ll teach us how to sew in our crafts club,” Ayano says. “I don’t want some girl I don’t know to be my mom. I’d rather have you and Pi-chan as my family.”

“You know, being a girl is about many more things than about braiding hair and sewing buttons,” Jin whispers.

In other circumstances, Jin would be touched by how Ayano thinks of him as her family, how she knows he is not her father but she still kind of thinks of him that way. But right now, the persistent question and the confusion in her voice chokes him completely, and he sits there mostly paralyzed.

Ayano pulls at his sleeve and pouts when he is not answering.

“Let’s finish your hair,” Jin finally says and makes Ayano face away from him again. He takes a few deep breaths, combs through her hair more than it is really needed to earn some time.

“You know, having two dads is not wrong. But it’s not usual either. Pi, he’s not like us, he’s on TV a lot and he can’t come and be with us any time he wants or any time we want it. He likes his work. It might hurt him, and most of all it might hurt you because not all people are as nice as my friends or your friends.”

“So Pi-chan can’t be my dad?” Ayano asks again.

Jin hugs her and realizes that it might be the best to tell her the truth.

“I don’t know. I don’t know,” he repeats.

Ayano holds on to him and nods. When Jin composes himself a little, he lets her go and she turns around yet again.

“I’m sorry I made you sad,” she says and reaches out to pat Jin on his head. “Aka-kun is enough for me,” she adds.

“Ayano-chan? Can this be our little secret?” Jin asks her.

“Pinky promise,” she says, sticking out her pinky, and nods. It makes Jin laugh.

*

It’s pretty normal for Ayano to get a cold at least once before summer, so Jin doesn’t think much of it when he types Ayano is sick, so I’ve been super busy in reply to Yamapi’s uncharacteristically longer email.

She is almost completely well on Friday evening when Yamapi shows up in their doorway.

“How bad is it?” he asks, face completely gloomy. Ayano runs from her armchair in the living room and jumps up to hug him. Yamapi looks completely lost looking at the lively girl twirling around him.

“Oh,” Jin says. He’s mostly amused that Yamapi would finally get over whatever embarrassment or uneasiness he might have felt in the past weeks and fly across the world because of one stuffy nose. On the other hand, he feels an insanely unreasonable twinge of jealousy because Yamapi is here for Ayano, or so Jin concludes. He doesn’t care how Jin may feel about him starting to withdraw again, but the moment something seems a little wrong with the girl, he is on their doors step yet again. He wouldn’t even look at her three years ago.

Jin squashes the feelings in favor of keeping the atmosphere light. It’s silly to be jealous of a seven year old girl. He takes Yamapi’s carry-on and closes the door behind him.

“You said she was sick. I thought you might need help,” Yamapi blurts out. Jin perks up at that. Maybe it is Jin, not Ayano, who drew Yamapi here again after all.

“It was just a child’s cold, nothing big,” Jin shrugs. “Sorry to worry you,” he says, smiling lightly when Yamapi looks at him still a bit bewildered.

“Oh.”

Yamapi says he has a few days of break, and Jin makes him stay. “Since you are here, you might as well,” he reasons and dismisses any protests or ‘but’s Yamapi could have.

Then Monday rolls around and the lady from social services arrives for the regular checkup. Jin had completely forgotten about her. Yamapi panics for whatever reason and leaves the house for the entire day. Ayano is still out of school so she spends the day with the lady, and Jin is worried about what she might talk about for the first time.

When they sit at lunch together and Ayano runs off to help in the kitchen, Jin comes to the conclusion that it is better if he breaches into the subject himself.

“Sometimes I wonder if I give Ayano a proper concept of a family,” he says, “because she doesn’t have a mother,” he adds when the woman stays silent.

“Ayano-chan says Yamashita-san has been teaching her how to read in Japanese,” the lady says to that without missing a beat.

“It’s not like that,” Jin says but he keeps his voice in check. “I mean, yes he does teach her, but . . .” he trails off.

“You’re not living a scandalous life as far as I can tell,” the woman continues. “I can’t speak for my colleagues, but I personally would be much more worried if you brought a different woman home every week, or if pictures of you in some incriminating situations were appearing in tabloids or if you drank yourself stupid every weekend. As far as I can tell that is all behind you.” She pauses as if considering her next words.

Jin snorts. It’s never been that bad.

“You would probably never be able to truly adopt Ayano-chan if you decided to live with a man,” the woman says slowly after a moment. “But I would not see a reason for you to stop being her guardian just because the next person that becomes like family to her is also a man.”

Jin’s head spins. He never thought he could adopt Ayano for real. Yes, Kato did say that if everything went well, they might consider him as a suitable candidate after some time. But he thought he would have a wife eventually, and then there would not be a problem. He was mostly fine with them being how they were until now anyway.

“I haven’t thought that far in the future,” he says in the end. “I really don’t know if there is even a chance,” he stops realizing he might be pushing it a bit too much after all if he started to discuss his still only hypothetical love life with her.

“If I may give you a piece of advice though,” the woman says, allowing herself a light chuckle. She seems to have realized whatever Jin is not saying anyway. “Stay here and don’t go shouting from the top of the mountains if some of the possibilities become reality. At least not until she’s old enough for Japanese authorities to respect her opinions the way she voices them.”

Jin knows what the woman is saying and he feels oddly lightheaded. “Do you want dessert?” he asks her, almost too cheerfully. Then he realizes it might sound quite odd.

“I mean, we just have a really good one today. And Ayano didn’t help decorating for once.”

The woman laughs and they have cake together, Ayano joining them. Jin wishes Yamapi would answer his phone as he spends the rest of the day busying himself in order to not think too much, not about Yamapi, not about how he basically came out of the closet to a complete stranger before fully admitting the possibility of liking another man-liking Yamapi-to himself, not about where this all could lead him (really the only option is some kind of breathtaking catastrophe).

Yamapi comes home when Ayano’s already asleep. Jin is pacing up and down his house, and when Yamapi knocks on the door, he is about to make a scene. But Yamapi looks pretty miserable and Ayano is sleeping already, so Jin silently lets him in and finally goes to get himself a beer.

“Where have you been all day long?” Jin asks when he comes back and Yamapi is still standing awkwardly in the middle of the living room.

“Just here and there,” Yamapi says quietly. “I didn’t want to cause any trouble.”

“What trouble?” Jin asks, stepping closer. Yamapi is not looking at him.

“I was afraid that she would . . . that she wouldn’t like it-me being around,” Yamapi says. Jin keeps quiet, so Yamapi throws his hands in the air. “Jin, stop acting like an idiot. I just didn’t want to be in the way or make things bad for you. Is that so hard to understand?”

“How can me having friends visiting make things bad? You know parents are allowed to have social lives even after having children,” Jin says impatiently.

Yamapi finally looks at him, angry because Jin is not letting the subject go, not wanting to understand.

“I’m going to sleep,” he says.

Jin ignores that. He grabs Yamapi’s arm. “Unless she would for some reason think we are more than friends.” Jin says, as if continuing his previous sentence. “Then maybe that could be a problem.”

Yamapi tries to shake Jin’s hand, not looking at him again. Jin just grips him more tightly. “But why would she think something like that, Pi? Why would you even worry about her thinking something like that when we’re nothing like that? I don’t ever remember us holding hands or kissing or anything that could be interpreted as more than friendly behavior.”

Yamapi looks at him, eyes pleading. “Jin.”

“Pi.” Jin says, and he knows Yamapi must have a bruise forming where he is holding his arm. “Why would she think that? Why would you assume she might think that?”

Yamapi’s eyes darken when he looks up at Jin and tugs his arm away, this time successful. Jin doesn’t look away nor does he make any move to grab Yamapi again, mostly because the other is not running away. A heartbeat and then another passes. Finally Yamapi reaches over to Jin, pulls at his t-shirt and leans in, kissing him. Jin keeps his eyes open, and Yamapi does too. Their lips are pressed firmly together, and Yamapi’s eyes are swimming with so many emotions that Jin can’t read him at all. When Jin blinks, Yamapi pulls away.

“There. Is my worry justified now?” Yamapi asks. That really is not what Jin wanted to hear.

“No,” Jin replies anyway and grabs Yamapi’s arm again. When Jin leans in, it is to pull at Yamapi’s lower lip until the other gives in and opens his mouth with a gasp. Then Jin is licking his way inside Yamapi’s mouth and Yamapi struggles again. Jin just drags him closer, one hand sliding into the middle of Yamapi’s back to hold him in place. Yamapi stops fighting him when Jin swipes his tongue across the roof of his mouth. Jin’s hand moves higher and into Yamapi’s hair, and that’s when Yamapi finally kisses Jin back. Jin moans at that because suddenly Yamapi is pushing Jin’s tongue back into his own mouth and follows with his. Yamapi takes control of the kiss completely, bringing both of his arms up and looping his hands behind Jin’s neck. They stand there in the middle of Jin’s living room, just kissing and holding each other close until Jin’s heart pounds in his ears so much he needs to pull away, needs the break to grasp what has just happened. He still runs his fingers through Yamapi’s hair. A flash of fear crosses Yamapi’s eyes at that and he steps back, untangles himself from Jin.

“Please stop it,” he mutters and practically runs into his bedroom. Jin stands in front of his door for a good half an hour but eventually goes to bed. He lies in it wide awake for a few more hours, the past year, more like the past decade or two flashing through his head. He can’t deny that he feels something for Yamapi anymore. He’s known that for some time now. But this burn inside him and the cold feeling of rejection that washes over him when he remembers the tone of Yamapi’s voice as Yamapi asked him to stop, that all feels so much deeper than what he is ready for. Then there is the want that now coils in his stomach and that is mostly completely new, the desire that is almost touchable now, way more impatient because Jin knows how it feels to be pressed against Yamapi, how it feels to kiss him, not just look at him and occasionally randomly brush against him.

When Jin wakes up in the morning, it is to Ayano shaking him and telling him they’ll be late for the bus. She is mostly dressed already, and there’s breakfast on the kitchen table, so Jin rushes to change out of his pajamas and doesn’t care about his hair, only grabs Ayano’s bag, and they run to the bus stop.

“Pi-chan had to leave earlier. He woke me up and gave me a new story book,” Ayano says, gasping for air while the bus stops in front of them. Jin only manages to nod. He feels like kicking the nearest trash can when the bus is gone, but resists the urge, remembering the lady from the social services still in his hotel. He goes back and manages to make himself presentable before meeting with her over some formalities after breakfast. He is left to wallow in all his new feelings and regrets once she gets into the taxi going to the airport. Well he hasn’t written a love song in over three years.

*

It doesn’t come as a surprise anymore that Yamapi doesn’t write, call or appear in their lives anymore for the next few weeks. At first Jin too is glad to get a break so that he can sort out his thoughts. But he isn’t going to let Yamapi just run away again, leave him torn and with no explanation and not talking to Jin for another two years. Besides, now it’s not just Jin who is getting hurt by the silence on Yamapi’s end. Yamapi should realize that you can’t just lead a small child on like that, play her best friend, let her think you’ll always be there and then disappear. He has to face what he’s gotten himself into.

Theory is great, but Jin can’t just pick up and chase Yamapi around Japan. He has made a few friends, has a good relationship with his neighbors and couple of mothers from Ayano’s school in Hawaii, but leaving her somewhere for an afternoon or a one night sleepover is very different from leaving her alone for a week or however long it would take him to go to Japan, make Yamapi see some sense and come back. He is not willing to do that.

Eventually, Jin calls his mom. He doesn’t say much, but she seems to know and offers before he even asks.

“I admit it’d be much easier if babysitting for you didn’t mean I have to get used to a different time zone, but I’ll come.”

*

A week later, Jin is sitting in Ueda’s car as he’s being driven from the airport.

“So you just called up your mother and she dropped everything and went to look after Ayano?” Ueda asks, eyes on the road, voice amused.

“So what? She loves us and offered to help.”

“My mother would send me to hell,” Ueda mutters. “I wouldn’t blame her.”

“Well it’s your problem if you like your family all dysfunctional. It only makes sense then that your thing with Ryo actually works. My family is happy and supportive”

“It’s not a thing. I like to call it a relationship. And it’s much happier and functional than anything you and Yamapi have,” Ueda replies.

Jin wants to smack him, but Ueda is driving, so it’s probably not a good idea.

“Can’t you just make up for good already? It’s tiring to be scraping up Yamapi from the floor all the time.”

“How is this my fault? He’s the one that keeps running away and hiding and not saying anything and pretending he doesn’t want anything to do with me.”

Ueda only tsks in annoyance. “Just fix it already. At least you seem to know what you want.” Then Ueda grins. ”Wait, does this mean you are finally okay with being gay for Yamapi?”

Jin at least kicks the upholstery of Ueda’s car door.

“Okay, I guess it’s still a sensitive spot,” Ueda continues happily. “But if you need some explaining, just call me. Or Ryo, you know. But he’s an idiot so I’d prefer you call me.”

“I am not asking either of you for sex advice, you are both freaks,” Jin huffs.

Ueda laughs. “It’s official. Jin Akanishi wants some ass. Who said anything about sex?”

“You are fifteen. Seriously Ueda, Ryo has ruined you and you reverted to his mental age,” Jin says, pouting.

“Well better than behaving like a sixty year old man, like someone else we both know,” Ueda shrugs. “It helps process the aging.”

Jin is really glad when he is dropped off at the hotel at last.

*

Jin practically camps in front of Yamapi’s apartment. According to Ryo, he should be in Tokyo, so he should get home at some point. Jin wants to make sure that Yamapi lets him in when that happens. Yamapi arrives at midnight, clearly a little tipsy. He stares at Jin and eventually pokes his cheek, like he doesn’t believe he’s standing there.

“Let’s go inside,” Jin mutters. Yamapi looks pretty bad, dark circles under his eyes, pale skin, skinny yet again. Yet, Jin feels a sudden urge to push hair off his face and kiss him, hold on to him. It still scares him a little, all those emotions and all that need, but he’s getting better at not being stunned into complete stillness by it, if he says so himself.

Yamapi giggles a little but opens the door.

“Are you going to go “pooooof” right before the best part again?” he asks.

“You’re not dreaming,” Jin points out.

Yamapi waves a hand dismissively and collapses onto his couch. “Right, right,” he says.

Jin flops next to him on the couch. Yamapi slings an arm around him, and somehow Jin ends up lying with his head in Yamapi’s lap.

“So far, it’s a pretty good dream,” Yamapi mutters, weeding fingers through Jin’s hair yet again.

“I came to talk to you. You ran away like an idiot, and you can’t do that,” Jin says, struggling not to lean into the touch, to not forget Yamapi has been a coward yet again. “And you’re not dreaming,” he adds when Yamapi still smiles at him, a goofy disbelieving smile.

Yamapi only hums at that, so Jin pokes him in the stomach. Yamapi squirms and tries to keep Jin still. Jin twists in his hold, despite Yamapi’s hand now painfully pulling on his hair. He ends up with his mouth full of Yamapi’s shirt as he tries to bite him.

“Prove it,” Yamapi says, suddenly completely breathless. Jin tries to push away but he’s pulled down back into Yamapi’s lap. Then Yamapi makes this strangled noise and stiffens beneath Jin. Jin looks up and finds Yamapi staring down at him, eyes hard, biting his lip. When Jin puts his hand on Yamapi’s thigh, trying to get up again, he sees a hint of want behind the hard mask Yamapi’s wearing and feels Yamapi tremble just a little.

Now it’s Jin’s breath that catches. He moves again, a bit uncertain about what he’s going to do. Yamapi’s fingers tighten in his hair, and Jin ends up pressing his face into Yamapi’s stomach, slowly kissing across it when Yamapi lets him move a little, mouthing the warm skin he feels underneath the thin shirt.

“Jin,” Yamapi whines, and it feels like maybe he wants to push him away yet again, but Jin doesn’t let him, his hand sliding up Yamapi’s thigh and pushing his shirt up. It’s exhilarating, the feel of Yamapi’s skin against Jin’s lips. Then Yamapi makes another strangled noise, clearly fighting not to show what Jin’s causing, and Jin stops thinking. Yamapi wants this, whatever it is, it’s Jin who’s making Yamapi tremble and grip his hair and push his hips just a little.

Before Jin knows what has hit him, he has slid down from the couch and is kneeling between Yamapi’s spread legs. Yamapi’s eyes are big and burning with want now, mask thrown away completely, and he moans when Jin’s fingers grab his belt, unbuckling it. Then Jin’s sliding the zipper open and pulling Yamapi’s jeans and briefs out of the way.

It’s only then that Jin realizes where things seems to be going. He’s never done anything like this, and he looks up, a bit panicked. Yamapi doesn’t seem to even notice Jin’s hesitation, his chest heaving, but he brushes the hair that has fallen into Jin’s eyes away, his hand resting on the back of Jin’s neck and squeezing it a little.

“You’re beautiful,” he whispers.

“You’re not dreaming,” Jin says in return, running a finger up Yamapi’s already hard cock. “Do you get it now?”

Yamapi half chuckles, half moans. “You feel so real,” he breathes out. His head falls back against the backrest soon after that because Jin gets bold enough to close his fist around Yamapi’s cock and drag it up. When Yamapi pushes up and moans, Jin figures he can go by whatever he personally likes.

Yamapi feels heavy and thick in Jin’s palm, and his fist opens and closes in Jin’s hair as he continues to moan. He whispers Jin’s name with the next upstroke, and Jin becomes very aware of how hard he is, how he’s basically rubbing against one of Yamapi’s legs. He reaches down and palms himself then just deftly pulls his jeans down.

“More,” Yamapi groans then, hips pushing up. Jin leans down and brushes his lips against Yamapi’s hipbone. Yamapi practically keens against him at that, and Jin is suddenly kissing closer and closer to Yamapi’s cock. He sees a drop of wetness on the tip of it, and he finds himself moving up to lick it off. He’s only had this done to him by a girl before, but when Yamapi moans and pulls at his hair viciously, Jin closes his lips around the head completely. He moves down a bit, one hand still around Yamapi’s cock, the other one around his own.

Soon enough Yamapi is falling apart, and Jin can feel it, can tell how his muscles tense and tremble as Jin bobs his head up and down and moves his tongue like he remembers he likes it himself. Jin isn’t much better off, his knees are starting to hurt and he’s thrusting into his own hand, trying hard not to choke, to keep breathing through his nose when Yamapi tries to thrust up again. Then Yamapi’s hand tilts Jin’s head up a little and he looks down, their eyes meeting.

“Don’t leave now,” Yamapi drags out. Jin can’t imagine how he could when Yamapi is gripping him like that. Next time, right after his tongue laps over the head of Yamapi’s cock, he sucks at it. Yamapi moans hoarsely and comes without any warning. Jin almost chokes but tries to suck Yamapi through it. He’s still hard when he pulls away, panting and trembling. Yamapi’s eyes are hazy, but he leans down, tilts Jin’s head up again and kisses him, tasting himself, stealing the rest of Jin’s breath, and Jin comes that moment, all the strain and want draining out of his body with his orgasm. Yamapi pulls away after a moment, slumping back onto the couch. Jin grabs some tissues from the box on Yamapi’s table, wipes his hand and climbs up, all shaky.

Yamapi’s breath has already even out, and Jin has no strength left to try and wake him. He curls against his side and falls asleep as well.

*

Jin wakes up to Yamapi trying to push him off and get up.

“Hey,” he mumbles.

“I need to shower,” Yamapi says quickly and ducks into the bathroom.

Jin sighs. He pads into the bathroom as well, grabbing a spare towel and a toothbrush from where he knows Yamapi keeps them and washing up a little while Yamapi is in the shower. The other is startled when he gets out of it but eventually just silently brushes his own teeth.

“You can use the shower now,” he murmurs

“I’d rather not risk you being gone by the time I get out of it.” Jin says dryly.

“Hey,” Yamapi starts protesting but he shuts up when Jin gives him a raised eyebrow.

“For the record, I was drunk and I really thought I was dreaming,” Yamapi mutters, sounding like he’s sorry he actually wasn’t.

“You couldn’t be that drunk. You got it up just fine,” Jin doesn’t know why this is what he is telling Yamapi. “Also does this mean that you’ve been dreaming about me?” Then Jin remembers what Yamapi said last night. “Wait you’ve been having wet dreams about me, and I’ve always left you hanging, haven’t I?” He wants to laugh, but Yamapi is looking at him all terrified.

“Shut up,” he says, rubbing his face with his hand. “Just shut up.”

“My dream self is awesome; he’s totally getting back at you for all the times you run away from me,” Jin says smugly. “Do you have some coffee?” he adds, suddenly inexplicably in a much better mood, and he moves into Yamapi’s kitchen.

“Top left drawer,” Yamapi mutters, watching Jin move around.

“Stop sulking. When do you need to be at work?” Jin asks, fighting to get the coffee machine started. In the end, Yamapi pushes him away and does it himself.

“I just have one interview in the afternoon,” Yamapi mutters. Jin knew that, but he wondered if Yamapi would tell the truth.

“Good, so we have plenty of time to talk things through.” he says and grabs two cups, fishing for some food to go with the coffee.

“I don’t want to talk to you,” Yamapi says, not meeting Jin’s eyes as he sits down.

“Well then I’ll do the talking,” Jin decides. Yamapi stares. Jin feels himself getting a little shaky, but he’s thought about it so much. He’d spent an entire plane ride coming up with possible speeches for the occasion. He just didn’t expect he’d have trouble meeting Yamapi’s eyes while saying things due to the fresh memory of how that face looks when Yamapi comes. Not to mention the heat that spreads through Jin’s body just at the thought of it.

“I’m not sure I want to hear you out,” Yamapi says. Jin hits the table with his palm.

“Well you will just have to. You owe me that much, Pi. As my best friend. As a person who keeps hiding secrets from me for god knows how long. As the person that comes waltzing back into my life, who crashes into my daughter’s life and then disappears without a word like a coward. That is not something you can do. You probably think you can come and leave as you please, and that might be true when it comes to me seeing I come crawling back to you every time-one way or another, but she is a little child and you will not toy with her.”

Yamapi stares. “This has nothing to do with Ayano-chan,” he says feebly and he can probably hardly believe that himself.

“Yeah right? Then why did you leave without a word just because of a little kiss?”

Yamapi stays silent after that, clutching his cup.

“Look,” Jin starts. “I don’t know what you feel, or how long you felt that way or what is holding you back. But I think by now, it’s pretty clear we are attracted to each other. I’m still pretty freaked out about feeling like that towards another man, towards you of all people. But I know I still want to hang out with you, I want to be close to you and I want to also touch you, kiss you, just be near you, anything.” Jin pauses for a breath but continues before Yamapi can stop him.

“I don’t know why, since you keep acting like a complete jerk, and I don’t know when everything changed, but I miss you when you go into hiding. I don’t want to constantly worry about when you’re going to disappear again. I don’t know what this all means, but I warn you, you can’t toy with me and my family anymore. Whatever it is that we might have is affecting not just me but Ayano as well. So I am laying the cards down on the table, and you better decide what it is you’re going to do.” Jin’s shoulders are heaving, and he didn’t want to put an ultimatum down.

“You say it like it’s so simple,” Yamapi says.

Jin sighs. “It’s not simple, but it’s not that difficult either. All you need to do is talk to me so we can figure this out.”

“I don’t think I can do that. Not now anyway,” Yamapi looks Jin in the eyes. “Jin, is it worth all the things we could lose?”

Jin licks his lips, then reaches across the table and kisses Yamapi, hard on the lips, keeps on kissing him until Yamapi is panting and clutching into him, all the resistance gone.

“You tell me. It’s your turn to figure out what you want,” Jin says. He stands up and grabs his jacket. He can’t stay here. He doesn’t know what he’ll do if he does. He might yell and shout at Yamapi to just look at them both, to finally understand that Jin just wants a little piece of Yamapi, that not everything has to crumble. He’d probably kiss him again, and he probably wouldn’t be able to stop. He’d hug him and cling to him and maybe beg. But he can’t do that. He’s done enough, and he can’t do this by himself. It’s time Yamapi decides what happens next.

“I won’t be chasing you like a teenage girl anymore,” he whispers from the doorway.

Jin stays in Japan for two more days, spends them mostly in Ueda and Ryo’s apartment. They say nothing about the fact Jin is kind of wallowing, only watch stupid movies and eat pizza with him. It’s Ryo who drives him to the airport this time.

“Whatever Ueda says, he thinks what you did was pretty cool,” Ryo says when they’re saying good bye.

Jin looks at him confused. “What did I do?”

“You held on to Yamapi,” Ryo murmurs. “That’s not easy. Well that’s what Ueda says anyway. I’m not such a girl.” Ryo looks a bit in his own world for a moment, so Jin doesn’t really believe him. He doesn’t ask more either, feels like the story might be too much for him now. Ryo squeezes his hand and Jin has the sudden urge to never fly again. He’s been spending so much time in the airport halls lately.

*

Two weeks after Jin comes back home, Yamapi books a room in his hotel for the typical two nights, barely two days stay. Ayano is ecstatic. Jin barely sees him the entire time.

Another two weeks later, Yamapi does it again, only this time he calls before making the reservation, asking if they’ll be home that weekend.

As the whole thing repeats another two weeks later, Jin wonders how much more he can take. In a way this means things are slowly mending-again, but Jin is still left in the middle of nowhere, with no answers, no refusal or reassurance.

One night, Yamapi joins them by the hammock. Summer’s coming, and Ayano spends her evenings there, reading books by the outside lamp. She tries both English and Japanese ones, and Jin is proud of her because she’s one of those smart kids. Part of it is Yamapi’s doing because he’s been showing her books interesting enough to keep her going, and that thought makes Jin smile at him when he approaches that night. They help her out when she asks, but spend most of the time in a somewhat calm, somewhat tense silence, Jin nursing a beer and Yamapi sipping on some pinkish drink.

When Ayano falls asleep, it’s Yamapi who gets up to take her inside.

“You don’t need to,” Jin says. Yamapi gives him a cautious look.

“You don’t want me to?” he asks.

“That’s not what I said,” Jin sighs, and lets Yamapi carry her inside.

“I’ve always known how important she’s for you. It was pretty clear right from the beginning. When I saw the woman from the social services, all I could think of was how she could misunderstand. How maybe she wouldn’t be that far away from the truth and how that could be a disaster,” Yamapi blurts out right before he leaves Jin’s house.

Jin understands the worry. Yet it means Yamapi was getting so ahead of himself-themselves. Jin also wants to tell Yamapi how it might not be so dramatic after all. He decides against it, against going after Yamapi that evening.

*

Summer finally arrives and Ayano is out of school, but they just had a bunch of juniors in the hotel, and they can’t go to Japan right away, even if Jin would like that. So Yamapi comes again. This time when Jin sees him sitting on the terrace in the evening, he comes closer.

Yamapi looks up, eyes hopeful, and Jin decides to sit down. They talk about how great the waves were that day and how many new kanji Ayano’s learned, and then somehow slip into talking about Yamapi’s next single and Jin’s last gig at the bar. They bitch about how annoying Ryo can get, especially when he’s all smug about him and Ueda, and Jin finds himself laughing and moving closer. Much later, Yamapi’s head falls onto Jin’s shoulder, and Jin doesn’t move to push Yamapi away.

“I hadn’t thought we could be more than friends when you came back to Japan. Back then I didn’t want to admit I wanted more in the first place. But when you changed everything about your life, I felt heartbroken.” Jin is surprised Yamapi is actually, finally talking about it. “That’s a pretty lame way to find out you might’ve been in love,” Yamapi mutters.

Jin can’t really say anything to that. There’s not much breath left in him for an answer. But no matter how much longer he holds it or stays still, it seems that’s all Yamapi is going to say that day.

*

Jin and Ayano stay in Japan for a month that summer, traveling a bit, lazing around, being fed nice homemade food, being spoiled by their friends and Jin’s family, and spoiling them back the best way they can. Jin goes out a few times, but makes sure to still wear sunglasses and a hat and walk a few steps behind when he’s with anyone who could attract the paparazzi’s attention. He makes it into the newspapers, just once though, and his face is blurred out.

Kusano texts him to welcome him in the club of forgotten idol-wanna-be’s.

“It’s still complicated,” Yamapi mutters as they are swinging on too small swings in the park while Ayano is playing with the family dogs. “Next time they might get it right. If we are around each other, they might get interested again.”

“You know that my hotel is the place with the highest concentration of Johnny’s in recreational facilities ever, right? And like the entire You&J generation comes to stay all the time. I’ve been fine until now. Plus you practically spent more weekends there than home in the past year, and no one cares.”

“Are you . . .?” Yamapi grabs Jin’s swing and stops it. “Are you persuading me?”

Jin wouldn’t call it that just yet. The ball is on Yamapi’s side of the court still. He’s been trying to get it over to Jin’s side for some time, but the net seems to be still too high for him.

“You keep telling me why things are impossible. I don’t even know what it is that you find so impossible.” Jin says.

Yamapi doesn’t say more that evening, and Jin doesn’t press him. It’s terribly frustrating this walking on the line, balancing and trying not to fall through to either side, but Jin feels like he’s been doing it for so long that soon he might not be able to do anything else.

*

The month passes and they come back home to school starting soon, to the need of a new uniform and bigger shoes and a pencil case that can hold more than just two black pencils and one simple pen.

The week before Ayano goes back to school, they take a trip, traveling around their island, going to an amusement park, having a bonfire on a different beach, staying at hotels like proper guests then camping in a tent on a beach, having a blast. Jin probably needs it more than Ayano, the inner preparation for her second year at school, for him slipping into the routine surrounding the process again.

They come back to the hotel on Sunday evening and find Yamapi just as he is getting out of the water. Jin has to check himself to make sure his mouth isn’t hanging open due to Yamapi being here again, on Sunday evening even-the time he’s usually on the plane back already, losing against the time zones. Then there’s the fact he is all deliciously wet and the setting sun might be kind of glowing on his skin and he’s smiling, still a little shyly, still not that full and brilliant smile, but it is a bit charming this way too . . . Basically Jin has to fight the urge to jump Yamapi right then and there. Well his daughter is already running to Yamapi and doing a pretty good job of getting herself all over him anyway. It’s a totally inappropriate comparison, so of course it makes Jin snort a little.

“What’s so funny?” Yamapi asks.

“What are you doing here?” Jin asks instead of an answer.

“Didn’t want to miss you getting all teary this year either,” Yamapi shrugs.

Jin’s mind flies to the last year, to how Yamapi was actually there-for Jin on Ayano’s first day at school, and he feels like a sappy teenager overcome with emotion. But Ayano and Yamapi don’t give him any time to dwell on it or to compose himself, already dragging him back to the hotel and planning dinner and a good night fairytale.

Jin almost dozes off before Ayano does while Yamapi reads to them, and it makes Yamapi chuckle.

“Shut up. It was a long day,” Jin mutters before leading Ayano to bed.

“You old man,” Yamapi shouts after him.

“Aren’t you two the same age?” Ayano asks Jin. Jin hopes Yamapi heard that. He’s planning to tell him they should start acting it sometimes soon. This teenage angst is pretty silly.

When Jin comes out of Ayano’s room, he has to search for Yamapi. He finds him in his entry way, already leaning against the door.

“You should have checked if we’re going to be here,” Jin tells him. “You do have my phone number and e-mail, if I remember correctly.”

“Well, I knew you’d be here tonight and tomorrow morning,” Yamapi says.

“How do you get all these free weekends anyway?” Jin asks. It’s not the first time he wondered, but he never really found it in him to ask.

“I have my ways.” Yamapi actually winks at Jin, and Jin’s pretty sure this time his jaw hangs a little. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning,” Yamapi is saying in the meantime. Before Jin can finally kiss him or just stop him, he’s gone.

*

Yamapi’s waiting by the bus stop when Jin and Ayano arrive, running yet again.

“I need my own alarm clock,” Ayano is saying, panting. “I bet Pi-chan is better at getting up in the mornings.”

Jin snorts and even Yamapi laughs. “Not really,” he assures her. “Besides, I can’t be here on most of the school days’ mornings,” he adds as an afterthought.

“That’s fine, making one more breakfast would probably mean I’d miss the bus all the time,” Ayano reasons.

“Ayano-chan,” Jin scolds her, “that’s pretty mean.”

“I’m just saying that it’s kind of fun the way it’s now,” she manages.

“Figures the bus would be late,” Jin mutters, slightly embarrassed. Just as he says it, it finally comes and Ayano doesn’t look like the bag is bigger than she is, like she will fall over on her back climbing the stairs this time around. She waves, and Jin’s shoulders finally relax when the bus is gone from their sight.

“That felt pretty much like family,” Yamapi muses. He probably doesn’t realize what he’s saying until it is out of his mouth. It makes him startle and he blushes.

“I have work, so . . .” Jin points back in the direction of the hotel.

“Yeah,” Yamapi nods and they set back. Just before they reach the back yard, Yamapi stops walking. Jin turns around to look at him.

“Anything wrong?” he asks.

“No. Yes. No.” Yamapi looks up. “Ueda says I think too much,” Yamapi gets out.

“That, coming from him, really.” Jin rolls his eyes.

“So if I were to stop. To not think about all the catastrophic scenarios.” Yamapi is stalling again, still Jin’s eyes widen because even if he is taking his sweet time, he’s still looking right into Jin’s eyes and they are swimming with emotions, only this time, Jin can almost read them.

“If I were to do that, then this, now, feels like home.” Both Yamapi and Jin take a deep breath. “And I love you,” Yamapi finishes.

Jin’s speechless yet again, and he really hates that, because this is something he’s been hoping to hear for such a long time. Yet none of the things he had planned to say come out. Not the fact that Yamapi took so fucking long, not that he might feel the same, not how he is angry, not how he is happy, nothing.

“I have a meeting,” he says in the end, because unfortunately, yes, he does have one, in exactly seven minutes, and he hasn’t even looked in the mirror yet, nor did he change out of the shorts in which he sleeps. So he runs away.

Well, that was smooth.

It’s pretty clear to Jin that the meeting will be torture, or at least the parts on which he will manage to concentrate. Who is he kidding; no way he’ll be of any use. Still he goes, changes into some presentable clothes, combs his hair back and arrives breathless and apologizing. It’s the longest hour ever and his secretary rolls his eyes at him after they’re done.

“Really Akanishi-san, I would think you’d be much less affected by the first school day this time around. Get used to it.”

Jin grins at him. ”Right, right. So I’ll just go and get over myself before she comes back,” he says and he’s running again.

It only occurs to Jin that Yamapi might not be in his hotel room when he knocks on the door and there’s no answer for a moment. He knocks again, just in case, and the door actually opens. Clearly Yamapi wasn’t at all on top of his game this morning either, as it seems he just took his morning shower now. His hair is still a bit wet, and while he is mostly dressed, his shirt is open. Might as well be, it won’t stay on for much longer.

“Me too,” Jin says, kicking the door closed behind himself and not giving any time for Yamapi to figure out what he’s talking about before he pulls him in for a kiss. Yamapi stumbles back, so Jin even has an excuse (not that he needed one) to wrap his arms around Yamapi’s waist and pull him closer.

The kiss is not gentle. It’s not skillful either, all the rush and shock and desperation poured into a slide of tongue against tongue, into a hint of teeth and some strange angles. Jin keeps pushing Yamapi back and holding him close at the same time, and he doesn’t even manage to pull his shirt off before they fall into bed.

“Jin,” Yamapi gasps out when Jin’s mouth finally lets him, moving to his neck and lightly biting his way down towards Yamapi’s shoulder. Jin ignores him. For now, they’re really done talking. Yamapi grabs a handful of Jin’s hair to stop him and bring him back to his eye-level.

“Jin,” he tries again.

“If it helps, then don’t think,” Jin breathes out, fast and impatient and dives back into Yamapi’s mouth.

It seems to work because the next kiss is much more charged and that much better. It feels like the entirety of Yamapi’s being is concentrated in it. At least until Jin shifts, and Yamapi moans against Jin’s mouth and grabs Jin’s ass to pull him down. Jin spreads his legs more, knees properly falling on each side of Yamapi’s. Jin is pretty content to just let Yamapi grind against him, pull and tug at him, while Jin’s arms frame Yamapi’s head and he kisses him on the mouth, everywhere on his face, lips dragging behind his ear, tongue lapping over Yamapi’s pulse line, practically feeling it thrumming under his skin.

Yamapi’s nails digging into Jin’s sides under his shirt remind Jin they’re still mostly dressed and that he was planning to do something about it. He lifts up, and Yamapi watches him, his fingers never leaving Jin’s hips, eyes narrowed, lips red and bitten. Jin makes a short work of his own shirt and just pushes Yamapi’s more down his shoulders. His hand trembles only when he grabs Yamapi’s belt, and he hesitates for a moment at the sound Yamapi makes. Jin knows about all this in theory only. He’s dreamt about it far too much, he’s looked up the logistics of anything and everything that can happen between him and Yamapi, but suddenly he feels like he really is seventeen, like this is the very first time he’s undressing someone.

Yamapi can definitely tell this time, lifting up onto his elbows and gently running his hand through Jin’s hair. He doesn’t stop there, his fingers brushing down Jin’s shoulder, arm, all the way to where Jin’s gripping Yamapi’s belt.

“Are you sure about this?” he asks, voice deep, but relatively even, calming. Jin manages to nod his head, pulling at the belt a little more.

“Okay,” Yamapi whispers, and suddenly Jin is toppled over, bouncing against the mattress. “I think it’s my turn this time,” Yamapi says. It’s Jin’s trousers that are pulled off, along with his underwear, and Yamapi leans down to suck at Jin’s nipple.

Jin arches but reaches for Yamapi’s hips. “You too,” he whispers, and Yamapi tries to get rid of his jeans one handed. Jin helps, and when his fingers brush against Yamapi’s thigh, the other shudders. It’s a cue for Jin to keep touching Yamapi, reaching out and caressing any skin he finds, tracing Yamapi’s back muscles as he leans over Jin, dipping his fingers into his abs.

Eventually, one of Jin’s hands settles in Yamapi’s hair and the other grips the sheet as Yamapi’s tongue laps over his other nipple then moves lower until Jin can feel hot breath against his cock. Yamapi doesn’t even pause though and kisses the tip of Jin’s cock, finger running up the underside. Jin arches into the touch, feeling like his back might snap.

“Relax,” Yamapi murmurs before he takes Jin into his mouth, one hand spread low across Jin’s stomach to hold him down, the fingers of the other rubbing the tension out of Jin’s thighs. Jin spreads his legs a little more, moaning with no care of where he is, or who might hear. Yamapi’s fingers move to his balls next, playing with them, and Jin pulls at his hair to make him stop because it’s already becoming too much. He doesn’t want to come, not yet, not like this.

Yamapi looks up at him, chin resting on Jin’s hip and Jin opens his mouth but only a low groan comes out. He realizes he’s shivering, his cock twitching at the closeness of Yamapi’s hands that are not touching, not at the moment.

“You could come like this,” Yamapi says gently, and it makes Jin embarrassed. He throws his arm over his eyes for a second, trying to compose himself. He feels Yamapi move, and his hands leave Jin’s body completely. Jin looks back down to search for him at that. Yamapi’s rummaging in the bag by his bedside, and Jin grabs his arm, a bit disoriented.

At the touch, Yamapi jerks away and moves back, kissing Jin on the lips, urgent and a bit more aggressive. When he pulls away, he grabs Jin’s hand, clasps his fingers around Jin’s.

“I want to fuck you. I’ve wanted to for a long time now,” Yamapi whispers, looking straight into Jin’s eyes. “I . . .”

Jin squeezes Yamapi’s hand, and they just stay like that for a moment before Yamapi kisses Jin. He then moves down again and settles between Jin’s legs. Jin would feel ashamed at how easily he spreads them, but he wants Yamapi too much, anything Yamapi can give him, as long as he doesn’t stop touching him, looking at him, being there with him.

Yamapi kisses Jin’s inner thigh at first. Then his mouth is around Jin’s cock again, taking Jin completely by surprise. Jin’s breath hitches, and just when he’s about to gasp for some air, he feels cold fingers rubbing in places where no one has touched him before. He bites his lip, and Yamapi’s mouth around him tightens just when the first finger slips inside him, slowly, almost painfully so. Yamapi’s head bobs up and down, and Jin is stuck, wanting to thrust up and hold still all at once. Yamapi’s free hand pushes Jin’s right leg further to the side and up and his finger moves, mimicking Yamapi’s mouth.

Jin can’t hold still for much longer. He clutches at the sheet as his hips rock up and then down, surprising even Yamapi. Jin’s cock slips from between Yamapi’s parted lips, and Jin whines wanting more even if he felt like it was all too much just seconds ago. Then he feels another finger pushing inside him along with the first one, and Yamapi closes his fist around Jin’s cock, moving in synch yet again.

Soon enough, Jin writhes and moans and almost begs, eyes shut tightly while Yamapi’s fingers rub his inside, stretch him and press deeper.

“Just a little longer,” Yamapi is muttering as he squeezes Jin’s cock a bit more. Jin arches again and Yamapi’s fingers brush against something that makes Jin’s eyes fly open. He almost comes just from that one touch, but manages to swat Yamapi’s hand away from his cock.

“Do it already,” he gasps out, each word punctuated with a roll of his hips, pressing himself more onto Yamapi’s fingers and feeling the burn in his entire body as the place in him is hit again and again.

He regrets saying anything for a second when Yamapi’s fingers disappear completely, but then Yamapi is hovering over him and pushing both of his legs up, knees almost touching Jin’s stomach. Yamapi’s clean hand touches Jin’s cheek and he looks right into Jin’s eyes as he pushes in, the intrusion making Jin gasp at first.

“Breathe,” Yamapi murmurs. “Just breathe,” he repeats as he sinks into Jin, deeper and deeper. Jin tries, but then Yamapi is kissing him and that is kind of counterproductive but also kind of amazing. Jin throws his arms around Yamapi’s neck and his legs wrap around Yamapi’s waist all on their own. The slight shift makes Yamapi moan, and he starts shuddering as he tries to hold still.

“Move,” Jin tells him. Yamapi practically growls as he does, pulling almost all the way out and sinking back into Jin, slowly at first, but soon snapping his hips faster and faster. Jin can’t do much more than hold onto him, drinking up Yamapi’s moans and whimpers, sucking on his lower lip as Yamapi pounds into him, the pleasure cruising through Jin’s veins.

When Yamapi slides his hands around Jin’s shoulders to hold him closer, the angle changes and Jin practically screams. Yamapi finds the right spot in him with each thrust after that. Jin feels the heat pulling at his every nerve and his cock aches, heavy on his stomach. Yamapi brushes against it, again and again as he moves with more strength and still faster. It’s all too good, Jin feeling completely engulfed by Yamapi, trembling in his embrace, and he knows he only needs a little push into perfection.

Yamapi turns out to be reading him like an open book yet again, because one of his hands slips from Jin’s shoulders and between them, and he starts stroking Jin right away, quick and firm movements until Jin throws his head back.

“Let go,” Yamapi whispers against Jin’s neck and Jin does, spilling all over Yamapi’s fingers and his stomach. It’s the best orgasm he can ever remember having. He rides it out while Yamapi continues to thrust into him, his own pace finally faltering and becoming jerky. The pleasure still pierces through Jin, little needles of it prickling his skin. He tightens his legs around Yamapi’s waist, and Yamapi comes inside him, a low groan tickling Jin’s collarbones, making him almost laugh.

It takes Yamapi a while to move again, but Jin doesn’t mind much, running his fingers through Yamapi’s damp hair until the other stirs and pulls out. He helps Jin stretch his legs and even gets up, grabbing a wet cloth and cleaning Jin. Jin watches him, wanting to remember every second, how Yamapi looks, smells, moves, how he is there.

“Stop staring,” Yamapi mutters.

Jin grabs Yamapi’s hand and pulls him back into bed and against his chest. He knows his heart is still pounding, and not only because he just had amazing sex. He knows he must look utterly cheesy and sentimental, but he holds Yamapi that much closer.

*

Yamapi has to leave that evening; he just barely manages to catch Ayano on her way back from school. They don’t properly talk things through until two months later, if it could be called talking properly. Jin feels like he is on a roller-coaster those two months, the two weeks between Yamapi’s visits always too long. They are a bit like crazed teenagers, and there’s sex texting and skype sexing involved, but also long phone calls about how things were that day, mails with silly links and stupid voice messages. When Yamapi stays over at their house again, for a change they spend the entire evening only watching movies, huddled on the couch, pressed against each other, Jin doesn’t even feel they need to say a thing.

“How long can we go on like this?” Yamapi still asks one evening.

“As long as you can take it,” Jin replies honestly. He doesn’t know what it would mean if Yamapi couldn’t take it any longer, but right now he is happy for every little thing they have.

“What does that mean?” Yamapi asks, a little cross.

“That one day you’ll find yourself not caring about being an idol as much as you do now, and then you’ll pack your bags and come here to live off your well-off boyfriend with whom you will spend all days on the beach,” Jin jokes.

“I’d like that,” Yamapi mutters.

“Alternatively, Ayano grows up before you get your ass in the gear and for some crazy reason decides to go to university in Japan. Consequently we’ll move back and destroy your career with the talk of your illegitimate daughter that I raised for you.”

“You’re an idiot.” Yamapi tells him.

Jin grins. “So what was the question?”

“It’s not that I’m not happy with how things are right now. But are you okay with this? Are you okay with me just coming and going and never being there when you really need it?”

Jin just tightens his hold on Yamapi’s waist. “As far as I remember, you’ve been trying to be here when it mattered for some time now. As long as I can call you, as long as you don’t get tired of flying across the world to see us just because I am selfish and want to continue living here, I have no reason to complain.”

“What about Ayano?” Yamapi asks, barely a whisper now, and Jin suspects his voice would be shaking if he talked properly. That cry baby.

“I don’t think having a stable long distance relationship and one more person that helps me raise her is a reason for concern. So you should stop worrying too.”

Yamapi still squirms against Jin, so Jin steadies him with his palm on his hip. “The question is still the same, really. What does Yamashita Tomohisa want?”

Yamapi stops fidgeting at that, and Jin finds himself a little panicked yet again. Despite everything that has happened, he still sometimes wonders where he stands. Yamapi never really explained much about his emotions. Just when Jin wants to say something light to change the subject, Yamapi twists in his hold to face him. He tugs a strand of hair behind Jin’s ear and brushes their lips together.

“I want to be here,” he mutters.

They go back to being big tough men who don’t talk about things like emotions afterward, and that is the end of it.

*

“Does this mean we can cuddle in front of you now that you two make eyes at each other all the time?” Ryo asks as they sit on the terrace on Jin’s hotel, no one else too eager to be outside this late at night and in November.

“I don’t cuddle,” Ueda says and elbows Ryo in the stomach where it is pressed against Ueda’s back.

Yamapi almost chokes on his pink drink.

“And the answer is no,” Jin says around his beer. “It’s still disgusting and I still have a daughter.”

“Oh yeah, I was wondering; where do you have sex? I mean, from what I remember, you have pretty thin walls.” Ueda muses.

Ryo laughs at the way both Jin and Yamapi stare at Ueda in disbelief.

“Is this what you think about in your free time? Our sex life?” Jin asks in the end.

“Ryo, you might seriously have a problem,” Yamapi adds.

“It’s a valid question,” Ryo takes Ueda’s side.

“You two both have a problem,” Yamapi amends.

“I might be too old for this conversation after all,” Jin mutters. Yamapi pulls out one Jin’s hair. “Ouch,”

“Look, a grey hair to prove it,” Yamapi says laughing.

“We are the same age,” Jin rages, trying to smack Yamapi over the head. Yamapi dodges and ends up running down the beach, Jin following him to the edge of the water.

“Idiots.” Ueda murmurs.

“Amateurs,” Ryo chuckles. He grabs Ueda and pulls him up to take a walk along the beach.

“Does this make us the old, boring couple?” Ueda asks him.

End


Study Courses

A/N: There’s so much I could say about this fic. About how it touches on things I usually avoid in big circles when writing for fandom. How it is three times more dramatic than things I usually write (but how it just could not be helped), how this grew into immense proportion and might be the longest thing I wrote alone. Or about how I actually researched (post tsunami) adoption in Japan. LOL I also kept thinking someone should remix this to tell Ryo/Ueda story.

In the end, by the time this was done, I was kind of “thought out” in regards to this. I can only hope Ri likes this. It was supposed to be done for her birthday, but I am three weeks late. Sorry for that particular fail! ♥