(no subject)
Currently fighting between the urges to give up on life and instead learn how to hibernate, or go out and save the world.
It is most distressing. I'd like to go back to the feeling of rather enjoying a mundane life, and believing that all the little problems do eventually sort themselves out, and there is no shame in a process being sub-optimal. (ie may drop out and re-register for the new version of my education because shit has piled up. It's impractical but if catching up with the workload I accumulated during long-term illness isn't actually happening then isn't that just a bigger waste of time and money?)
I wish shit was easy.
Also looking forward to going back to working more since taking a break from it just shot down our economy while not taking me a lot further in my education since I apparently do not have the patience or fortitude for the broken bureaucracy that is the institution of pedagogics while AT THE SAME TIME fighting the institution of procrastination and systematic repression of responsibilities that is MY BRAIN.)
But on the other hand being scared shitless of going back to work since somehow I got it into my head that I'm a bad teacher because I decided after two weeks with my last class decided I was not qualified for a job that had apparently mentally burned out an educated and experienced teacher to the point where the doctors told her not to do it.
It does sound rather silly looking at it. I've had some bad days temping, but that's what temping IS: Keeping shit running until the people who're supposed to be doing the job can pick it back up. I feel less worried having said that. I also like to remember the fourth grade class at that same school constantly asking me to please be THEIR teacher instead since they also needed a substitute teacher at the time, and they and their teacher apparently really appreciated my work before. Maybe because of my lenience, but then again it's the one class I've really effectively chewed out when they got out of hand, and that apparently didn't diminish their respect for me. Go figure.
As it turns out, all my bad experiences are in places where I'm either substituting for someone who's not there due to unbearable stress in the workplace, or groups which the staff or other temps have told me are nothing short of a nightmare that no one so far has been able to fix.
Yeah. I'mma sign back up.
As for school I really feel fucked. Guidance councelors, here I come! (To call you in the morning, at any rate.)
Lately I've been on a huge atheism kick. I mean I've essentially always been an atheist, (Not too sure about my very earliest childhood but at worst I can only remember myself being an agnostic or, y'know... a child: Believing in santa or other supernaturals to increase chances of presents and candy.) but I've been youtubing stuff pertaining to it a lot to pass the time. Richard Dawkins is brilliant and in my view very undeservedly criticized for arrogance. Hitchens is a bit of a dick at times, but oh so brilliant. (And humanity will be a bit poorer without him.) Stephen Fry is STEPHEN FRY. Basically youtubing clips of intelligent people speaking reason has been a big thing lately.
And somehow this too now scares me. What if, when I am a teacher, I have to deal with religious parents, etc? ... am I the same person who this entire summer never had a problem with calming parents I disagreed with when they wanted to rage about something because they couldn't afford to spend more time with their children but instead had to work, and tried to take it out on the equally hard-working and underpaid pre-school staff? I'm pretty sure I haven't changed much. I've been prepared to face abusive parents if it came to it. The key is not worrying about shit that hasn't happened.
So why all the fear now?
Well I mean of course I know where it comes from. I've been taking an anti-anxiety pill a day for years now. My GAD is not something that will, as it were, be cured. But why must it return to heightened levels every now and again? Why must every goddamn fall and winter bear the risk of being enough to bring me back down to where I cannot function at a high enough level to support myself?
It's annoying.
But having written about it I do feel better. Still feeling like shit, but I feel more aware now that fear is not the same as danger. The feeling of fear is in and of itself, nothing to be afraid of. If I am one day to become a global crusader for reason I suppose I must indeed start with being reasonable towards myself.
Thanks LJ. This was a good talk.
It is most distressing. I'd like to go back to the feeling of rather enjoying a mundane life, and believing that all the little problems do eventually sort themselves out, and there is no shame in a process being sub-optimal. (ie may drop out and re-register for the new version of my education because shit has piled up. It's impractical but if catching up with the workload I accumulated during long-term illness isn't actually happening then isn't that just a bigger waste of time and money?)
I wish shit was easy.
Also looking forward to going back to working more since taking a break from it just shot down our economy while not taking me a lot further in my education since I apparently do not have the patience or fortitude for the broken bureaucracy that is the institution of pedagogics while AT THE SAME TIME fighting the institution of procrastination and systematic repression of responsibilities that is MY BRAIN.)
But on the other hand being scared shitless of going back to work since somehow I got it into my head that I'm a bad teacher because I decided after two weeks with my last class decided I was not qualified for a job that had apparently mentally burned out an educated and experienced teacher to the point where the doctors told her not to do it.
It does sound rather silly looking at it. I've had some bad days temping, but that's what temping IS: Keeping shit running until the people who're supposed to be doing the job can pick it back up. I feel less worried having said that. I also like to remember the fourth grade class at that same school constantly asking me to please be THEIR teacher instead since they also needed a substitute teacher at the time, and they and their teacher apparently really appreciated my work before. Maybe because of my lenience, but then again it's the one class I've really effectively chewed out when they got out of hand, and that apparently didn't diminish their respect for me. Go figure.
As it turns out, all my bad experiences are in places where I'm either substituting for someone who's not there due to unbearable stress in the workplace, or groups which the staff or other temps have told me are nothing short of a nightmare that no one so far has been able to fix.
Yeah. I'mma sign back up.
As for school I really feel fucked. Guidance councelors, here I come! (To call you in the morning, at any rate.)
Lately I've been on a huge atheism kick. I mean I've essentially always been an atheist, (Not too sure about my very earliest childhood but at worst I can only remember myself being an agnostic or, y'know... a child: Believing in santa or other supernaturals to increase chances of presents and candy.) but I've been youtubing stuff pertaining to it a lot to pass the time. Richard Dawkins is brilliant and in my view very undeservedly criticized for arrogance. Hitchens is a bit of a dick at times, but oh so brilliant. (And humanity will be a bit poorer without him.) Stephen Fry is STEPHEN FRY. Basically youtubing clips of intelligent people speaking reason has been a big thing lately.
And somehow this too now scares me. What if, when I am a teacher, I have to deal with religious parents, etc? ... am I the same person who this entire summer never had a problem with calming parents I disagreed with when they wanted to rage about something because they couldn't afford to spend more time with their children but instead had to work, and tried to take it out on the equally hard-working and underpaid pre-school staff? I'm pretty sure I haven't changed much. I've been prepared to face abusive parents if it came to it. The key is not worrying about shit that hasn't happened.
So why all the fear now?
Well I mean of course I know where it comes from. I've been taking an anti-anxiety pill a day for years now. My GAD is not something that will, as it were, be cured. But why must it return to heightened levels every now and again? Why must every goddamn fall and winter bear the risk of being enough to bring me back down to where I cannot function at a high enough level to support myself?
It's annoying.
But having written about it I do feel better. Still feeling like shit, but I feel more aware now that fear is not the same as danger. The feeling of fear is in and of itself, nothing to be afraid of. If I am one day to become a global crusader for reason I suppose I must indeed start with being reasonable towards myself.
Thanks LJ. This was a good talk.