(no subject)
this weekend, it helped.
maybe it had something to do with the fact that i did not consume more than a sip of cheap beer, but it probably didn't.
it probably had more to do with the fact that finally, amazingly, i did something different.
there was playing pogs, getting not very drunk on too-blue sickly sweet boone's farm and flavorful dr. pepper and rum, smoking crammed in a room with a million people and having someone's behavior explained to me as being "like eddie johnson," as if that explained anything, succumbing to motown dance party that lives in all of us, but mostly in my living room, receiving a sweet compliment from a stranger. there was wallace and gromit for two dollars and an uncomfortable seat, charming and british and witty as ever, a good time bopping and clapping, sitting, standing, rocking to a queen tribute band, a relatively early bed time for a night filled with refreshingly wholesome activities. there was home, dinner and a movie with my family, sorting through bags of wrinkled clothes and memories, and the prospect of money to be made. and finally, finally, there was coming back to a house with no power lit by candles, and instead of stressing out and going to the library where i would spend the night seething in anger over homework, i shrugged it off, shirked responsibility, watched chupacabra terror in good company, and then sold things on ebay while stoned and watching cartoons, all of which i'm sure were good ideas.
right now, i feel pretty good. pretty stable. i don't feel like ripping off the face of anyone who talks to me or punching through every brick wall i see. i even calmly accepted a less-than-satisfactory grade on my first paper of the semester. i will focus it, i will talk to my professor, i will revise it, and i will get a better grade. it's ok. it's all ok.
i'm really a very calm person at my core. true, i'm also a very passionate person at my core, for better or for worse, and though the two would seem to contradict each other, they can, in fact work together. i believe this. most of the time, though, they are at odds, and i feel a bit like jekyll and hyde.
i do, however, also believe in superior mind control. i can handle this. i can handle anything. it's all in how you perceive it.
plus, if i can will myself out of the hiccups, then SHIT. i can will myself out of ANYTHING.
i've started a new livejournal, because, well, i'm trying everything i can to make life feel better, and this old thing seems to end up the medium through which i broadcast my childish whining rages to the world. perhaps a clean slate will inspire less bitching--because, as much as i hate to admit it, after 5/6 years of this, at least a small part of my inner monologue has become inextricably tied to livejournal. why am i not just giving this up? because i believe in blogging. yeah, i said it. i believe in it as an inspiration for thoughts, a place to share thoughts, a forum for friends and strangers to connect and engage in in all manner of discourse, and a means of communication and keeping in touch. i have not unveiled my creation yet, but you'll know. so BE READY.
let's see how this sunny disposition fares against the ravages of this week. it starts out with a one-two punch of sleepless nights and long days, but hell. who knows. we'll see. we'll just fucking see.
maybe it had something to do with the fact that i did not consume more than a sip of cheap beer, but it probably didn't.
it probably had more to do with the fact that finally, amazingly, i did something different.
there was playing pogs, getting not very drunk on too-blue sickly sweet boone's farm and flavorful dr. pepper and rum, smoking crammed in a room with a million people and having someone's behavior explained to me as being "like eddie johnson," as if that explained anything, succumbing to motown dance party that lives in all of us, but mostly in my living room, receiving a sweet compliment from a stranger. there was wallace and gromit for two dollars and an uncomfortable seat, charming and british and witty as ever, a good time bopping and clapping, sitting, standing, rocking to a queen tribute band, a relatively early bed time for a night filled with refreshingly wholesome activities. there was home, dinner and a movie with my family, sorting through bags of wrinkled clothes and memories, and the prospect of money to be made. and finally, finally, there was coming back to a house with no power lit by candles, and instead of stressing out and going to the library where i would spend the night seething in anger over homework, i shrugged it off, shirked responsibility, watched chupacabra terror in good company, and then sold things on ebay while stoned and watching cartoons, all of which i'm sure were good ideas.
right now, i feel pretty good. pretty stable. i don't feel like ripping off the face of anyone who talks to me or punching through every brick wall i see. i even calmly accepted a less-than-satisfactory grade on my first paper of the semester. i will focus it, i will talk to my professor, i will revise it, and i will get a better grade. it's ok. it's all ok.
i'm really a very calm person at my core. true, i'm also a very passionate person at my core, for better or for worse, and though the two would seem to contradict each other, they can, in fact work together. i believe this. most of the time, though, they are at odds, and i feel a bit like jekyll and hyde.
i do, however, also believe in superior mind control. i can handle this. i can handle anything. it's all in how you perceive it.
plus, if i can will myself out of the hiccups, then SHIT. i can will myself out of ANYTHING.
i've started a new livejournal, because, well, i'm trying everything i can to make life feel better, and this old thing seems to end up the medium through which i broadcast my childish whining rages to the world. perhaps a clean slate will inspire less bitching--because, as much as i hate to admit it, after 5/6 years of this, at least a small part of my inner monologue has become inextricably tied to livejournal. why am i not just giving this up? because i believe in blogging. yeah, i said it. i believe in it as an inspiration for thoughts, a place to share thoughts, a forum for friends and strangers to connect and engage in in all manner of discourse, and a means of communication and keeping in touch. i have not unveiled my creation yet, but you'll know. so BE READY.
let's see how this sunny disposition fares against the ravages of this week. it starts out with a one-two punch of sleepless nights and long days, but hell. who knows. we'll see. we'll just fucking see.