Comments | pineapple_rabu: story part II

pineapple_rabu

story part II

Oct 27, 2009 21:47

She wears a simple, short dress, colored black because red would look too slutty.

But, she’s sitting next to this girl, this goody-two-shoe of a girl, and now she’s wishing that she had bought the red dress instead. There’s something about the pristine nature of this girl that strikes her nerve, makes her feel like rolling her eyes and gagging on ( Read more... )

sexy, failz, fanfiction, crazy, lesbian, girls

Comments 6

thenexmessiah October 30 2009, 03:23:03 UTC

OH MY GOD I LOVE IT. D: / :)
it's perfect the way it is. i don't think you need to edit it at all. :)
But, Nicole had never felt so hurt in her entire life when her mother slowly walked out of her room and clicked the door behind her. that had to be the best part in my opinion. it's just so... realistic.

pineapple_rabu November 1 2009, 22:54:00 UTC

Haha, thank you! =D

That's probably my favorite line, besides the beginning. I'm glad it had the effect I wanted it to have because we all know that even if you're putting your foot down, it hurts like hell to be resented.

pooltides October 31 2009, 08:18:19 UTC

i actually saw this post a few days ago, but i was WAAAY to busy to read it until now =p

you know, i know some people don't like narratives, but i really do enjoy them. i always thought it gave a story a nostalgic sort of like. Despite the fact of all the action and dialogue that happened at the end, it still had this reflective feel to it all. Gah, it's kinda late so i may not be making any sense. But i really liked that kind of disregard nicole had at the beginning...at least i hope i was reading it right. Oh and i kinda liked it at the end where even though it was for a serious issue, i got that teenage rebellion kind of feel ^^

oh by the way, i noticed some tense conflicts in there, just a few sprinkles of present tense is all, no biggie.

pineapple_rabu November 1 2009, 22:51:33 UTC

Haha, no worries. I'm glad you commented. =)

Thank you for your criticism. Yes, my thought was that this was a pretty, brainless girl that she wanted to tease and have fun with. (Hint: She'll be in future chapters, too.) As for the teenage rebellion issue, I thought it came off that way. The thing is, though, I don't want it to completely be about that, you know? I don't want her fooling around with girls just because, but obviously, once someone is kept captive, they want to escape. Rebellion is a sense of seeking and expanding worldly knowledge, right?

Also, thanks for pointing out the tenses. I've been meaning to ask Maria to beta it, lol.

pooltides November 1 2009, 23:29:21 UTC

Oh yeah, don't worry, it's definitely not just about that. That was what I particularly liked about the conflict. There's a very real conflict with real issues going on, but it's all packaged within the anger and the angst of teenage rebellion, which makes it much much more realistic because...c'mon, she's a teen, right? ^^
It's kinda like how you look at the conflicts you had back then (hahah wait...well you're still a teen, right?)...but even then, looking back to some conflicts you had when you were much younger, regardless of who was right or wrong, you kinda wonder why you acted so hostile and unforgiving, ya know?

pineapple_rabu November 2 2009, 00:13:46 UTC

Oh, good. I was worried that it would be skewed to feel that way because when I've seen shows (taking The O.C.'s lesbianess to mind), I've felt like the girl was doing it because she was trying to get at her parents, but then she went back to dating boys. In this, it was strictly girls, girls, girls.

She's currently 18, so you could say adult in the eyes of the law, but I'd still call it teenage rebellion. I myself am going through the "I'm 18 and can go to a bar until 3:30 in the morning without you telling what to do," phase. Of course, maybe it's slightly different, but not really. I see that part of me in her now as we both try to independently discover and celebrate who and what we are.