Brandalynn
This has been a very hard week. I am kind of happy it is over. I really did run away from it on Friday. I have here by cut off Friday, Saturday and Sunday from the rest of the preceding week, forming them into a week of their own. Now that I am trying to post about the week it has all blurred into on mass of madness.
Last weekend I hung out with Kerry and Meghan. I really don’t remember the order. It is weird to say that I was hanging out with Kerry just a week ago because she is now on the other side of the continent. And I feel really bad that the process that took her there was so difficult. On Saturday I think it was we went driving about, really just because we couldn’t think of much else to do. However this adventure was amazing. AMAZING. We started intending to go to Kerry and Meghan’s old houses: A trip of reminisce. However the reminiscing grew exponentially and then transformed into complete fun. We ended up going to Tortilita, everyone’s old house, and just about everyone else’s house we could think of. It was hit the gas pedal fun. Then the following night we played cranium with Kyle and watched movies with Sal. It was great fun. We went driving again on Sunday/ Monday morning and ended up at Denny’s. We called inadvertently called a man a women and he stared at us the entire evening. Kerry and Meghan spent most of it trying to duck behind me. Freaks.
Tuesday I had to wake early and get a cavity filled. This was in no way painful. I was expecting quite eth opposite. It was almost fun. I was a bit irritated by all the filling crud that was left in my mouth and proceeded to flake off for the next 24 hours. But the half numb mouth that felt like it was swollen was really cool. I could touch myself without feeling me touch me. I have often wanted such an experience like this, more so when I was younger, because I wanted to know what it was like to be touched by other people. Weird I know. I never said I was entirely sane. Then I went to Brandy’s specialist appointment. The Specialist felt Brandy could function with the amputation. I had no idea what to do so I called mum and she freaked out when I mentioned the $3,000 figure. I had he money though … I am jumping ahead to Thursday though. We re wrapped Brandy’s bandage and I ran off to get Kerry the going away present that Meghan and I had decided on earlier on that day.
While I was there I called Meghan to find out specifics because I am indecisive and found out our departure time had been moved up to 5. So I ran over to Meghan’s and we waited round for Sal. I am still not sure who it was that decided 5 was better than 6. We went to Sonic and then ran off to Phoenix. There was a mad crazy psycho storm though.
Sal’s sail of a blazer shook and swerved all the way to Phoenix. I was quite impressed with Sal’s driving. He was able to get us there without the slightest mishap and in the madness nature forced him through. We actually got ahead of the storm somewhere between Casa Grand and Phoenix so that when we entered Phoenix we were in a huge dust storm that cut visibility down to nothing greater than the power of ones headlights. There was one really impressive moment where we had entered Phoenix but could see none of it. Near the 202 junction the streetlights transition to the high voltage super tall towers like the ones at Miracle Mile and I-10. It created a moment of mystical illumination as we traveled to from the complete darkness to the quarter mile of visibility illuminated portion of eh junction. Really cool. Sal compared it to car racing games that put you in a fog to keep the graphics simple which I felt was very fitting. We reached Sky Harbor around 8:30 and waited with Kerry until 10:00 because he flight was supposed to board around 10:15 but unknown to us at the time she didn’t leave until 2 am.
Which sucks the big one.
We had a really good hang out in the airport terminal and all of us were able to get some one to stare at us at some point in the evening. There was one point where I was taking pictures of the ceiling
and a sky harbor official walking by gave me the funniest look. And Sal pulled out his silly jerk face moves like he does and ran about the waiting area with Kerry’s shoes.
This caused us all to switch shoes and some how I was the one who ended up with out a pair of shoes.
There were two men there that I found very comforting. It is possible that they weren’t a couple like I thought them to be but they just looked like I picture Steve and Paul from the book I am reading. They belonged in an airport at odd hours for either the adventure of travel to Italy or Greece or even the trip to Canada, or the devastation of Steve's AIDS. But it fit; they in my mind were the heroes I was reading about. So I took a picture of them.
The evening was quite surreal. I miss Kerry a lot. I am happy that she gets to be back with her family now in her new house of madness. It was hard to leave her at the airport though because we all knew that she was going to be so far away on the other side of this island. Actually on her own island. Madness. On the drive back I got to talk to Sal and on a really coherent level. I suppose it was for the purpose to keep him awake but to me it really served for a lot more. I think Sal and I have a stunted friendship and we have been out of touch ish for some time. I miss him and our long chat was a chance to catch up and make sure each other weren’t dead. I hope a development can encourage other in the near future.
Wednesday was a bit of a blur. My mother arrived back home from Missouri Tuesday night as well and my father thankfully picked her up. I haven’t properly thanked him for doing that yet. Wednesday morning mum called me to inform me she had decided that it was in Brandy’s best interest to seek out euthanasia. So I spent a lot of that morning crying and moping. Somehow I managed to call the specialist and canceled the appointment to start the amputation process. I ran home and spent the evening with Brandy.
I came back home from my parent’s house quite late. I just didn’t want to sleep in that house that is no longer my home.
I woke up 5 the next morning and ran back to my parent’s house so I could spend the morning with brandy. She was asleep when I got there and I went and slept by her till seven.
Then a little later I took Brandy and Lanie for a ride in the Camaro out to Marana. I ended up at Marana high which I found odd because I have only been there only one other time in my life. I wanted so desperately to take Brandy on this ride because that is how it was supposed to be. I was supposed to pick her up on the weekends and she was supposed to come here to my new house, my new life and she was supposed to see me happy. She was one of the individuals who pulled me through a lot long before any one else. I could always talk to her and she would only smile in return. She never judged me or expected me to be anything at all. As long as she was feed and received attention. I could cry on her like the most sympathetic pillow in existence. She was the last family member that I hadn’t cut myself from. She was to see all the dreams I confessed to her come true. She was to see me live in this life I am building for myself. On the ride I expressed this all to her along with the suggestion that she should come haunt me at my new place so she could be with me. I got home eventually after I felt that my heart was empty and my eyes dry. I helped Brandy up onto the couch and we just lay there until noon. In the vet’s office as they were injecting my poor Brandalynn, my mum was crying and I was crying and mum went to put her arm around me and I grabbed it and pushed it away. I was just so angry at her. I know it wasn’t her fault and I know my anger drew from more than just this Brandy situation. It wasn’t that I blamed her for putting brandy down because Brandy was very sick but I blamed her for the loss of the chance to get Brandy out of that hell hole of a house. Sort of like I have nearly made it out but Brandy wasn’t so lucky. I know that showing my aggression to my mother was incorrect and I think I have covered it up well enough but I am really tired of it. Brandy was a good person in a bad situation. I love her so and I find happiness in knowing she is no longer suffering of 106 fevers and the pain of a grapefruit size exposed tumor, but I miss her. I will always miss her beacon of light. Thank you for your help and listening skills Brandy. I love you.
After I left Brandy I went to the last Dale Carnegie class and it really lifted my spirits. I am so happy with this class. I hope I can live my life up to the principles I was taught and hope it encourages personal growth forever more. We were to give group presentations of what we felt were the most important aspects of the education. The first group did a skit of pirates looking for the treasure of Dale Carnegie. The second group did a jeopardy impromptu speaking presentation that was fun and had very good calligraphy. My group did “Def Carnegie Jam” an inspiring reading of poetry that outlined the first twenty one principles. It was a lot of fun. I had written a poem about dealing with stress and the class made me read it. That was fun too. After the graduation certificates were handed out they all decided to go to Arizona Ale House, which is supposed to be a family bar restaurant. So they figured I could get in. however they did enforce a 21 and over entrance rule. For the over twenty one family…. DUMB. So I wasn’t able to go hang out with my classmates afterwards which sucked because I had grown very close to them. I had to run to my parent’s house and switch cars anyway. So I guess it got me to bed earlier.
I skipped that during my class I was fretting about Stephanie because she went back to the emergency again for her stomach. I really am sad that she is sick. I hope that the doctor dose something this time and doesn’t let it just pass as he did before. I myself don’t like doctors, but Stephanie dose not deserve such grief. She is feeling better today. But she needs to feel better forever.
By the time Friday came round I was dead. I really gave in Friday. I decided to do nothing. Nothing at all. I would just take it as it came. I saw the video that was due Thursday and so I returned it. Then Kris called and wanted a ride to the Volvo repair shop south of Davis Monthan. So I got to spend a good car ride with Kris. It will be fun when she and many other folk are going to the U of A and I can see them all. And there are those out of state losers. Pshhh. Then I went to dinner and pool with Katie and Callista. And then off to bowling with Rachel Callista and Stephanie. Got to meet a lot of people that Rachel works with. There I learned that I am really fat just through comparison. I was being a horny boy and checking out ever guy, comparing and such…. The three guys that we were bowling with were attractive. One was drunk (maybe) and flamboyant. It was a lot of fun. I was not found of the cigarette and cigar smoke. But still it was a happy evening. I ran into Kelly and got to meet her boyfriend. I look forward to actually talking to him, MEETing him without the blasting music and madness of the bowling ally on cosmic bowling night.
This morning I woke and dismantled the chain link fence in front of my house. Other wise I haven’t done much. I have to go shopping for groceries and other such. I want to have the house done this week. Well… done to an extent. Plants and mirrors and such. I would like to invite everyone to my house warming party, I am going to try and call everyone but that didn’t work very well last time. If you want to RSVP prior to me calling you it is much appreciated. It will be this Saturday the 13th at 6:00 at MY HOUSE!!! Call for an address because I am a bit scared of internet creeps and the address of my house. We are going to make hot dogs and burgers or something like that, but we ask that everyone bring some thing along with them pot luck style. We figure the old people will disperse at 8 or so and I think we are going to watch movies and play games and have a lot of funness. Thank you all.
I just want it to be recorded that I am a lot happier right now. I feel like a lot of doors are now open to me that I couldn’t even look at before. And though this week was hard I will be able to get through it.
On this goodmorning, we could pretend like it’s the weekend, we could pretend it all the time, can’t you see that it is just raining, there ain’t no need to go outside. Wake up slow.
Last weekend I hung out with Kerry and Meghan. I really don’t remember the order. It is weird to say that I was hanging out with Kerry just a week ago because she is now on the other side of the continent. And I feel really bad that the process that took her there was so difficult. On Saturday I think it was we went driving about, really just because we couldn’t think of much else to do. However this adventure was amazing. AMAZING. We started intending to go to Kerry and Meghan’s old houses: A trip of reminisce. However the reminiscing grew exponentially and then transformed into complete fun. We ended up going to Tortilita, everyone’s old house, and just about everyone else’s house we could think of. It was hit the gas pedal fun. Then the following night we played cranium with Kyle and watched movies with Sal. It was great fun. We went driving again on Sunday/ Monday morning and ended up at Denny’s. We called inadvertently called a man a women and he stared at us the entire evening. Kerry and Meghan spent most of it trying to duck behind me. Freaks.
Tuesday I had to wake early and get a cavity filled. This was in no way painful. I was expecting quite eth opposite. It was almost fun. I was a bit irritated by all the filling crud that was left in my mouth and proceeded to flake off for the next 24 hours. But the half numb mouth that felt like it was swollen was really cool. I could touch myself without feeling me touch me. I have often wanted such an experience like this, more so when I was younger, because I wanted to know what it was like to be touched by other people. Weird I know. I never said I was entirely sane. Then I went to Brandy’s specialist appointment. The Specialist felt Brandy could function with the amputation. I had no idea what to do so I called mum and she freaked out when I mentioned the $3,000 figure. I had he money though … I am jumping ahead to Thursday though. We re wrapped Brandy’s bandage and I ran off to get Kerry the going away present that Meghan and I had decided on earlier on that day.
While I was there I called Meghan to find out specifics because I am indecisive and found out our departure time had been moved up to 5. So I ran over to Meghan’s and we waited round for Sal. I am still not sure who it was that decided 5 was better than 6. We went to Sonic and then ran off to Phoenix. There was a mad crazy psycho storm though.
Sal’s sail of a blazer shook and swerved all the way to Phoenix. I was quite impressed with Sal’s driving. He was able to get us there without the slightest mishap and in the madness nature forced him through. We actually got ahead of the storm somewhere between Casa Grand and Phoenix so that when we entered Phoenix we were in a huge dust storm that cut visibility down to nothing greater than the power of ones headlights. There was one really impressive moment where we had entered Phoenix but could see none of it. Near the 202 junction the streetlights transition to the high voltage super tall towers like the ones at Miracle Mile and I-10. It created a moment of mystical illumination as we traveled to from the complete darkness to the quarter mile of visibility illuminated portion of eh junction. Really cool. Sal compared it to car racing games that put you in a fog to keep the graphics simple which I felt was very fitting. We reached Sky Harbor around 8:30 and waited with Kerry until 10:00 because he flight was supposed to board around 10:15 but unknown to us at the time she didn’t leave until 2 am.
Which sucks the big one.
We had a really good hang out in the airport terminal and all of us were able to get some one to stare at us at some point in the evening. There was one point where I was taking pictures of the ceiling
and a sky harbor official walking by gave me the funniest look. And Sal pulled out his silly jerk face moves like he does and ran about the waiting area with Kerry’s shoes.
This caused us all to switch shoes and some how I was the one who ended up with out a pair of shoes.
There were two men there that I found very comforting. It is possible that they weren’t a couple like I thought them to be but they just looked like I picture Steve and Paul from the book I am reading. They belonged in an airport at odd hours for either the adventure of travel to Italy or Greece or even the trip to Canada, or the devastation of Steve's AIDS. But it fit; they in my mind were the heroes I was reading about. So I took a picture of them.
The evening was quite surreal. I miss Kerry a lot. I am happy that she gets to be back with her family now in her new house of madness. It was hard to leave her at the airport though because we all knew that she was going to be so far away on the other side of this island. Actually on her own island. Madness. On the drive back I got to talk to Sal and on a really coherent level. I suppose it was for the purpose to keep him awake but to me it really served for a lot more. I think Sal and I have a stunted friendship and we have been out of touch ish for some time. I miss him and our long chat was a chance to catch up and make sure each other weren’t dead. I hope a development can encourage other in the near future.
Wednesday was a bit of a blur. My mother arrived back home from Missouri Tuesday night as well and my father thankfully picked her up. I haven’t properly thanked him for doing that yet. Wednesday morning mum called me to inform me she had decided that it was in Brandy’s best interest to seek out euthanasia. So I spent a lot of that morning crying and moping. Somehow I managed to call the specialist and canceled the appointment to start the amputation process. I ran home and spent the evening with Brandy.
I came back home from my parent’s house quite late. I just didn’t want to sleep in that house that is no longer my home.
I woke up 5 the next morning and ran back to my parent’s house so I could spend the morning with brandy. She was asleep when I got there and I went and slept by her till seven.
Then a little later I took Brandy and Lanie for a ride in the Camaro out to Marana. I ended up at Marana high which I found odd because I have only been there only one other time in my life. I wanted so desperately to take Brandy on this ride because that is how it was supposed to be. I was supposed to pick her up on the weekends and she was supposed to come here to my new house, my new life and she was supposed to see me happy. She was one of the individuals who pulled me through a lot long before any one else. I could always talk to her and she would only smile in return. She never judged me or expected me to be anything at all. As long as she was feed and received attention. I could cry on her like the most sympathetic pillow in existence. She was the last family member that I hadn’t cut myself from. She was to see all the dreams I confessed to her come true. She was to see me live in this life I am building for myself. On the ride I expressed this all to her along with the suggestion that she should come haunt me at my new place so she could be with me. I got home eventually after I felt that my heart was empty and my eyes dry. I helped Brandy up onto the couch and we just lay there until noon. In the vet’s office as they were injecting my poor Brandalynn, my mum was crying and I was crying and mum went to put her arm around me and I grabbed it and pushed it away. I was just so angry at her. I know it wasn’t her fault and I know my anger drew from more than just this Brandy situation. It wasn’t that I blamed her for putting brandy down because Brandy was very sick but I blamed her for the loss of the chance to get Brandy out of that hell hole of a house. Sort of like I have nearly made it out but Brandy wasn’t so lucky. I know that showing my aggression to my mother was incorrect and I think I have covered it up well enough but I am really tired of it. Brandy was a good person in a bad situation. I love her so and I find happiness in knowing she is no longer suffering of 106 fevers and the pain of a grapefruit size exposed tumor, but I miss her. I will always miss her beacon of light. Thank you for your help and listening skills Brandy. I love you.
After I left Brandy I went to the last Dale Carnegie class and it really lifted my spirits. I am so happy with this class. I hope I can live my life up to the principles I was taught and hope it encourages personal growth forever more. We were to give group presentations of what we felt were the most important aspects of the education. The first group did a skit of pirates looking for the treasure of Dale Carnegie. The second group did a jeopardy impromptu speaking presentation that was fun and had very good calligraphy. My group did “Def Carnegie Jam” an inspiring reading of poetry that outlined the first twenty one principles. It was a lot of fun. I had written a poem about dealing with stress and the class made me read it. That was fun too. After the graduation certificates were handed out they all decided to go to Arizona Ale House, which is supposed to be a family bar restaurant. So they figured I could get in. however they did enforce a 21 and over entrance rule. For the over twenty one family…. DUMB. So I wasn’t able to go hang out with my classmates afterwards which sucked because I had grown very close to them. I had to run to my parent’s house and switch cars anyway. So I guess it got me to bed earlier.
I skipped that during my class I was fretting about Stephanie because she went back to the emergency again for her stomach. I really am sad that she is sick. I hope that the doctor dose something this time and doesn’t let it just pass as he did before. I myself don’t like doctors, but Stephanie dose not deserve such grief. She is feeling better today. But she needs to feel better forever.
By the time Friday came round I was dead. I really gave in Friday. I decided to do nothing. Nothing at all. I would just take it as it came. I saw the video that was due Thursday and so I returned it. Then Kris called and wanted a ride to the Volvo repair shop south of Davis Monthan. So I got to spend a good car ride with Kris. It will be fun when she and many other folk are going to the U of A and I can see them all. And there are those out of state losers. Pshhh. Then I went to dinner and pool with Katie and Callista. And then off to bowling with Rachel Callista and Stephanie. Got to meet a lot of people that Rachel works with. There I learned that I am really fat just through comparison. I was being a horny boy and checking out ever guy, comparing and such…. The three guys that we were bowling with were attractive. One was drunk (maybe) and flamboyant. It was a lot of fun. I was not found of the cigarette and cigar smoke. But still it was a happy evening. I ran into Kelly and got to meet her boyfriend. I look forward to actually talking to him, MEETing him without the blasting music and madness of the bowling ally on cosmic bowling night.
This morning I woke and dismantled the chain link fence in front of my house. Other wise I haven’t done much. I have to go shopping for groceries and other such. I want to have the house done this week. Well… done to an extent. Plants and mirrors and such. I would like to invite everyone to my house warming party, I am going to try and call everyone but that didn’t work very well last time. If you want to RSVP prior to me calling you it is much appreciated. It will be this Saturday the 13th at 6:00 at MY HOUSE!!! Call for an address because I am a bit scared of internet creeps and the address of my house. We are going to make hot dogs and burgers or something like that, but we ask that everyone bring some thing along with them pot luck style. We figure the old people will disperse at 8 or so and I think we are going to watch movies and play games and have a lot of funness. Thank you all.
I just want it to be recorded that I am a lot happier right now. I feel like a lot of doors are now open to me that I couldn’t even look at before. And though this week was hard I will be able to get through it.
On this goodmorning, we could pretend like it’s the weekend, we could pretend it all the time, can’t you see that it is just raining, there ain’t no need to go outside. Wake up slow.