the day my world imploded
i've never felt this emotion before.
i thought i'd run the gauntlet. but never have i experienced bitterness and hatred. not real life.
everything is jepoardized.
this war that has commenced, i'm out of control. no, i'll re phrase that. it is out of control. i can't fix it. i'm not sure what to do about it or what i want to do about it. my future is at stake. my grades, my graduation, my sanity.
and its personal.
and i'm stranded. honestly. i thought i had it figured out. but now i see that i really can't win, that everything is tainted already. that this whole.. everything.. is destroyed. which leads me to question what i'm doing here. what i'm working towards. where i'm going. because i'm not.
perhaps this is the slap in the face i've needed. but now i'm racked with tension. the kind that can't be mellowed, the kind that eats away at your soul. this isn't a question of people anymore its my life. i don't think i've ever questioned that before. i've always assumed i was on some path, leading to some magical finish. clearly i was wrong. i have eight months until reality comes to collect life dues, when i don a black robe and walk at my own funeral, death certificate in hand. i'm not ready. i don't know how to ready myself because i realized today that everything is wrong. everything is wrong. think about that. thats the most terrifying thing you can realize. i wish i could go back and be different. come to different conclusions. act differently. experience different solutions. i'm a fuck up. at least i know that. at least i have the desire to change. but jesus what next?
hatred is disgusting.
everything is disinegrating. everything is illuminated.
this is the straw, i guess.
shit.