putain bordel du merde
I AM A SENIOR IN COLLEGE. IT IS THE SPRING SEMESTER. THE FINAL DESCENT.
and this is me talking in no particular order, with no particular agenda.
its like being on the edge of something in the dark and falling. but then you land in a swimming pool. were you hoping for an eternity falling, or sharp rocks, or what? i'm hoping for a re-awakening. i'm sitting here, alone for the first time in who knows how long, and i can't motivate myself to do anything.
because i don't give a shit about any of it.
i've got dreams, kids.
i'm going to india. and africa. spain. new zealand. australia. vietnam. cambodia. russia. mongolia. brazil. argentina. mexico. i'm the happiest when i'm everywhere. i want to be everywhere. i want to be on the beach. i need to swim in the ocean. walk through ancient ruins, markets, eat disgusting food. eat incredible food. smell the most foul human stench and the sweetest, purest air. i want to be rocked to the core by places i go. i want to take pictures. i want my life to mean something to me. i don't give a fuck about making money, having security. going to grad school. knowing the right people. i want to know the wrong people. i want to know all the fucking people. i want to make a differnece and not just to look good on paper. i want to grab on. i want insanity. i want a change. i want to be changed. to deeply inhale and breath in the earth. i want to break things here. to be totally, utterly insane sometimes. to take all these people who never look at anything in their lives and slap them. more and more my travel pictures look like the photo's that came in the frame's and i'm worried that the individuality of them is fading in this room. they need to be in a fresh place, like me. they need to be un-stuck from the wall and put somewhere nice. the corners are peeling and they are dusty and now there are empty spaces and tape circles on the wall where individuals have fallen off and havne't been replaced. i want concerts in tiny concert halls and bars and clubs and drugs and drunks and music and dancing. i love dancing. i love laughing my face off and then laughing even after that. i want pictures where i look like a total ididot or a dork because i'm so genuinely happy. i want a group of friends again. some beautiful group of jet setting bohemians. tant pis pour moi..
the food that i'm eating is suddenly tasteless
except this stupid fucking salsa that is not flavor just spicy and annoying because i keep eating it and it is burning my mouth and making me annoyed.
jesus i hate being bored. i dont' even have any alcohol.
you might make a dollar.
my internship is shit shit shiiiiiiiit shiiiit shit. that was musical and pretty in my head, but then again, most things are.
you might make a dollar.
there might be some good ones.
why can't i be in california. why can't i be different. in a different place than here. or here and a different person than i am. no, scratch that last thing. i like me a whole lot, which works out because i'm really the person i hang out with the most. i'm trying to learn languages.. but not the ones i should be speaking.
do you know GPS, all over the earth, anyone who uses it, is a part of the US departement of defense? europe is creating its own called magellen but its not up an running yet. in how many ways ARE we controlled? often i wish i were french. a french girl. yep.
what the fuck is going on? i'm totally losing my mind.
le vent nous portera
and this is me talking in no particular order, with no particular agenda.
its like being on the edge of something in the dark and falling. but then you land in a swimming pool. were you hoping for an eternity falling, or sharp rocks, or what? i'm hoping for a re-awakening. i'm sitting here, alone for the first time in who knows how long, and i can't motivate myself to do anything.
because i don't give a shit about any of it.
i've got dreams, kids.
i'm going to india. and africa. spain. new zealand. australia. vietnam. cambodia. russia. mongolia. brazil. argentina. mexico. i'm the happiest when i'm everywhere. i want to be everywhere. i want to be on the beach. i need to swim in the ocean. walk through ancient ruins, markets, eat disgusting food. eat incredible food. smell the most foul human stench and the sweetest, purest air. i want to be rocked to the core by places i go. i want to take pictures. i want my life to mean something to me. i don't give a fuck about making money, having security. going to grad school. knowing the right people. i want to know the wrong people. i want to know all the fucking people. i want to make a differnece and not just to look good on paper. i want to grab on. i want insanity. i want a change. i want to be changed. to deeply inhale and breath in the earth. i want to break things here. to be totally, utterly insane sometimes. to take all these people who never look at anything in their lives and slap them. more and more my travel pictures look like the photo's that came in the frame's and i'm worried that the individuality of them is fading in this room. they need to be in a fresh place, like me. they need to be un-stuck from the wall and put somewhere nice. the corners are peeling and they are dusty and now there are empty spaces and tape circles on the wall where individuals have fallen off and havne't been replaced. i want concerts in tiny concert halls and bars and clubs and drugs and drunks and music and dancing. i love dancing. i love laughing my face off and then laughing even after that. i want pictures where i look like a total ididot or a dork because i'm so genuinely happy. i want a group of friends again. some beautiful group of jet setting bohemians. tant pis pour moi..
the food that i'm eating is suddenly tasteless
except this stupid fucking salsa that is not flavor just spicy and annoying because i keep eating it and it is burning my mouth and making me annoyed.
jesus i hate being bored. i dont' even have any alcohol.
you might make a dollar.
my internship is shit shit shiiiiiiiit shiiiit shit. that was musical and pretty in my head, but then again, most things are.
you might make a dollar.
there might be some good ones.
why can't i be in california. why can't i be different. in a different place than here. or here and a different person than i am. no, scratch that last thing. i like me a whole lot, which works out because i'm really the person i hang out with the most. i'm trying to learn languages.. but not the ones i should be speaking.
do you know GPS, all over the earth, anyone who uses it, is a part of the US departement of defense? europe is creating its own called magellen but its not up an running yet. in how many ways ARE we controlled? often i wish i were french. a french girl. yep.
what the fuck is going on? i'm totally losing my mind.
le vent nous portera