[LOVIN' YOU] Jaejoong - The Month of Jaejoong
Other people count the months of their relationships by how long they've been together. Special months are the birthdays, Valentine's, White Days, Christmases and anniversaries.
Jaejoong and I, we count the months by how many we've been apart. Special months are marked by Jaejoong being in Korea for more than a few days at a stretch, or taking centre-stage in a full-page calendar.
We don't have what anybody'd call an ordinary long-distance relationship. Ordinary people don't get full page pictorial spreads in photobooks and wall calendars that sell by the thousands - and certainly not posed in exotic locales like Paris and Prague looking delicious in spite of doing the most apparently mundane things.
But that's how I come to call July the month of Jaejoong, with him sitting on a washing machine hanging on my wall.
It almost - almost - makes up for him not being here.
Each time I enter my bedroom I am relieved to see him still sitting there, occupied with his reading material in the serenity of everyday's mundanity. That way I don't think too much about how he's traipsing all over Seoul, being stalked by dozens of persistent fans. So much so I even know which is Hyesoo who starves herself to pay for her cab fares home from seeing him; Jin-ah the budding papparazzo who loves to photograph him; Kyungmin who studies Chemistry while waiting for him to finish a recording. Sometimes I wish they knew how much he cared... but then they'd never go home, and he'd never come home to me.
Not that he does that often.
In the month of Jaejoong, however, I allow myself to fantasise.
The first Saturday of the month I go out till late, clubbing, and when I get home, he's waiting for me, minding his laundry and reading his magazine, and I can picture him looking up as I come through the door, wide eyes giving way to crinkles of welcome.
"어 - 둘아왔어! 방금 자러 가는 생각하고 있다~" I picture him saying, before getting off the washing machine to help me with my things. {Oh - you're back! I was just thinking of going to sleep~}
It's refreshing, coming home to a little piece of what I know I can't always have. It's nice to be able to lose myself in what is slowly becoming less and less of a reality.
But coming home to Jaejoong tonight is a bit more sombre than usual. He's still absorbed in his magazine, one that I have no doubt he doesn't know how to read. It's all in French, and his studious expression doesn't hide the lip-pursing that show his disapproval with my late homecoming. I say nothing, as does he.
I chide myself for over-thinking. Even if he were to really be sitting in the living room - which he isn't, I remind myself harshly as if it were his fault - he wouldn't say a thing. When I come home to a flesh and blood Jaejoong, he's sleeping, more often than not - too tired to stay awake waiting for me to get home from wherever.
Surprisingly, the phone rings, filling the room with his voice. It's almost surreal - he's not here, and yet the room reverberates with the full melodic notes of Hug.
"Yeoboseyo."
"Moshi mos~" Tired but cheerful, his voice in my ear would thaw ice even in the middle of winter. "아직 자지 않았지? 야~ 그래 잘 아니죠..." {Still not asleep? Yah~ that's not good...}
"오빠 도 아직 자지 않았지." {Oppa isn't asleep either.}
"아... 야, 진짜... 오빠는, 당신을 진짜 보고싶다니까..." {Ah... Yah... Really... Oppa misses you, that's why...}
"정말? 오빠를 또 진짜 보고 싶어..." {Really? I miss oppa too...}
"Paris is nice," he says. "I'll take you, someday. Then we can be like all the other couples and do normal things, like in the calendar pictures."
I nod, fingering the miniature Eiffel Tower keychain on my bag.
"It's busy in Japan. I'll call you when I have time, okay?"
I nod, pulling the Cinamaroll plush he carted home closer.
"You know, we should make you a calendar too - so I can see you everyday like you see me."
I nod, wanting to say 'it's not the same' - but someone calls his name and he has to go.
After he's hung up, I look at the calendar and whisper "Fighting! Saranghaeyo..." - and I don't know if it's more for myself, for him, or for the calendar.
I bathe and finish my regular night-time routines - the ones I'm sure the real Jaejoong has no idea about - and stand before the calendar. Impulsively I reach up and lift the page to see who it is next month. Yoochun. Junsu. Changmin. Yunho. It's another four months before Jaejoong graces the page again.
I wonder for a moment if keeping the page unturned will stop time - I wish it was always the month of Jaejoong.