Remember The Plans That We Made
Title: Remember the Plans That We Made
Pairing: Ryan/Jon
Rating: R
Summary: Ryan has a husband, a son, and a nine to five job but sometimes it’s just not enough.
Disclaimer: These boys don’t belong to me and this is all totally fake
Authors notes: Written for a prompt on anon_lovefest for my not so anonymous op. Ilu bb!
Ryan’s awake at four in the morning, not by choice but because the baby is up. He shouldn’t be the one getting up, he has to be to work in three hours but Jon isn’t moving and even if Ryan woke him up Jon would just point out how he’s been with their son all day and how it’s not fair. So Ryan is the one who gets up.
Ryan stumbles through their dark house, down the hall littered with toys that he and Jon forgot to pick up. Ryan can hear his son screaming before he even reaches the room. Once inside the nursery Ryan clicks on the lamp.
“Jude, it’s okay,” Ryan says his voice thick with sleep. Jude quiets down but doesn’t stop crying. The dark haired boy is sitting in his crib, chubby hands gripping the wooden bars. Jude stares at Ryan with huge dark eyes and the man scoops his son up easily. Jude grips Ryan’s sleep shirt as Ryan goes to make a bottle.
The walking and quiet talking that Ryan is doing is enough to quite the baby down. Jude George Ross-Walker was born nearly five months ago. Ryan loves his son, he does and he couldn’t imagine living without the little boy being there but being a parent is a lot harder than he imagined. Ryan had no idea that it would put a strain on his and Jon’s relationship, their marriage.
Ryan and Jon have been married for nearly three years now, been together even longer. Ryan can honestly say that Jon and Jude are the loves of his life. But that doesn’t mean that it’s not hard. Ryan works all the time because Jon can’t, Jon takes care of the baby the most because Ryan’s working all the time. When they’re both home there’s never enough time, there’s always cleaning, cooking, or a million other things to be done.
When he and Jon do talk its simple; ‘How’d your day go?’ ‘What did Jude do today?’ that or arguing. Ryan hates when they argue because he hates upsetting Jon. The younger boy misses their more carefree days, back when things were easy, it’s getting harder to remember those days.
Ryan stays up with Jude until the boy falls back asleep, his tiny hand curled into Ryan’s shirt. Ryan smiles down at his and Jon’s son; he looks like a good mix between the two of them though Ryan tends to think he looks more like Jon. The man goes and puts Jude back to sleep before he pads back to his and Jon’s shared room.
Ryan’s husband is still sound asleep, curled on his side with his back facing Ryan, the younger boy still remembers when they always slept so close to one another, their limbs tangled. Ryan sighs quietly as he slides back into bed, lying flat on his back, a good gap of space between himself and Jon.
“Is Jude alright?” Jon asks a few seconds later, Ryan wonders if he’s been awake all this time.
“He’s fine, just hungry I guess. He’s sleeping now,” Ryan tells Jon. The older man makes a soft humming noise. So now they’re both awake and Ryan’s supposed to be up for work in three hours and it’s only now that he’s realizing just how much he misses the physical contact he and Jon used to share.
Ryan rolls on his side, one hand dipping under the covers and sliding down Jon’s arm, coming to rest around his waist. Ryan’s hand spreads out over Jon’s soft stomach.
“Jon,” Ryan whispers.
“Hmm?”
“Come closer…or turn over. Yeah, turn over, I want to kiss you,” Ryan tells the other man. Jon makes a soft confused noise but Ryan feels him rolling over until they’re suddenly face to face. “Hi,” Ryan says softly as he leans in to press his mouth to Jon’s. The other man doesn’t respond right away, his mouth soft and slack against Ryan’s but then his mind must play catch up because his tongue is sweeping out to catch over Ryan’s lips before sliding into the younger boy’s mouth.
Ryan’s fingers curl into Jon’s t-shirt as he tugs the older man closer. He can’t even remember the last time the two of them have really kissed, beyond the soft pecks that are given seconds before one of them rushes out the door. Ryan’s missed this, Jon’s taste, the weight and heat of his body against Ryan’s own. Hell, he’s missed Jon.
The younger boy dips his hand lower, lets it play at the waist of Jon’s boxers. Ryan slides his hand down and strokes a long nimble finger over Jon’s rapidly hardening cock. Jon breaks their kiss.
“Ry, you have to be to work in like…three hours,” Jon says sounding slightly worried. Ryan leans up to nip at Jon’s mouth.
“I don’t really care, I need you.”
Jon smiles against Ryan’s mouth as the younger boy works Jon’s boxers down to his knees. Ryan breaks away from Jon so he can change their positions. Jon lies down on his back and Ryan moves to straddle his husband. Ryan touches at Jon again, those long fingers curling around Jon’s now fully hard cock.
Jon moans into Ryan’s mouth, his hands attempting to pull Ryan’s own boxers off without making the younger boy move away from him. This isn’t possible though so Ryan shifts away to get his boxers down. Jon is watching him with those beautiful brown eyes and Ryan’s chest aches with want.
The two of them kiss again, Jon’s hands on Ryan’s hips as the younger boy resumes his position on top of Jon. Before the two of them can get much farther an ear shattering cry breaks the near silence in their bedroom, Ryan quickly realizes that it’s Jude over the baby monitor.
Jon breaks away instantly. “Shit, I should probably check on him,” Jon says and Ryan’s eyes widen.
“Babe, come on, we’re…we’re doing something here.” Ryan pants desperately. Jon sighs deeply.
“I know Ryan, fuck, you know I want to but I think Jude’s getting sick and that’s why he’s not sleeping well and I need to check on him,” Jon says and he’s pushing Ryan up and off of him so he can get up from the bed. Jon tugs his boxers back up before he looks back at Ryan. “Just wait okay? I’ll be right back.”
“Yeah,” Ryan says back dully. He’s lying there with a hard-on and no Jon. Ryan lies back against his pillow and waits, he can still hear Jude crying, he can hear when Jon enters the room, and the way Jon comforts their son in a soft voice, kind words. Jon is a good parent, was made to be one…not like Ryan.
Ryan knows he must’ve fallen asleep while waiting for Jon because the next time he wakes up its morning and his alarm clock is blaring at him. Jon’s not in the bed next to him either so Ryan figures he’s probably up with the baby. The man drags himself out of bed and moves to the closet, perfectly pressed white button up shirts all in a line for Ryan’s choosing, courtesy of Jon.
Ryan works at the local newspaper downtown. It’s an easy job, its writing and that will always be easy for Ryan. It’s not his dream job, not by a long shot but it’s good enough. Once Ryan’s dressed he goes down stairs. He can hear Jon in the kitchen and he can smell the slight sizzle of pancakes being cooked.
“Good morning,” Jon says as Ryan enters the kitchen. The older boy is seated next to Jude, spoon feeding the baby some mashed up bananas. Jude is happily eating, waving his hands around upon seeing Ryan.
“Good morning, Jude.” Ryan smiles, dropping a kiss on the top of Jude’s fine hair. The baby babbles a response back to him around a mouthful of banana. Ryan turns to Jon, leaning in to press a quick kiss to Jon’s soft mouth. “And good morning to you,” The younger boy adds.
“Hey,” Jon says as Ryan moves to pull away from him. Ryan looks back at his husband. “I’m sorry that we didn’t get to…you know, last night?” Jon says softly and Ryan’s face goes blank.
“Hey, no, it’s okay, I was pretty tired anyway, I’m sorry I fell asleep,” Ryan tells Jon, he steps back up to Jon, wraps his fingers around the older boy’s wrist.
“Maybe we can try again tonight? If Jude manages to sleep through the night,” Jon says, he glances over to their son whose banging his spoon against the hard plastic tray of his high chair. Ryan smiles and nods.
“We can definitely try again tonight,” Ryan says as he dips back in for another quick kiss.
“I made you breakfast,” Jon points toward the kitchen table where there’s a plate with two pancakes on it and next to it there’s a jar of open peanut butter. Ryan frowns, now he feels bad, he’s never really hungry in the morning and he’s already running late but Jon made him breakfast. “You don’t want it?” Jon questions, his eyebrows pulled together in confusion.
“No, no, I do. Just, I’m already late, Jon…” Ryan tries, Jon’s hands drop away from Ryan completely and his face slips into that carefully schooled blank slate, the one he uses when Ryan has disappointed him.
“Oh, well, no, I get it. There’s um…coffee on the counter in your to-go cup...And your briefcase is by the backdoor,” Jon says.
“You didn’t have to do all that, I could’ve-“
“You’re going to be late if you keep this up,” Jon cuts off the younger boy and Ryan sighs, he can feel the tight edge of the beginning of an argument, one that might possibly be picked back up when he gets home tonight. Ryan ducks his head for a moment.
“Right,” He says before he backs away slowly. He gets his coffee as Jon turns back to feed Jude. Ryan picks up one of the pancakes, dry and takes a bite; Jon raises an eyebrow at him. “For the road,” He says and there’s just maybe the ghost of a smile across Jon’s lips. “I love you boys,” Ryan calls back to his husband and son as he heads out the door, picking up his black leather briefcase on the way.
Work is an odd mix of tedious and amusing. Tedious because lately Ryan’s been given the task of writing the horoscopes and he hates having to write the horoscopes. He’s only halfway through tomorrow’s prediction for Sagittarius before he gives up and calls Spencer.
“Shouldn’t you be working?” Spencer asks, Ryan snorts.
“Spence, there’s only so long I can make up fortunes before I lose my mind.”
“Kay, so what’s up?”
“Well, I wanted to ask if maybe you wanted to watch your godson tonight?”
“Sure, Bren and I love having Jude over. Why? You and Jon going out?”
Ryan sighs, “Not exactly. It’s just so we can have a night alone you know? So we can do the thing that parents do when they get a night alone.”
“You want me to watch Jude so you and Jon can fuck?” Spencer asks, he doesn’t sound angry, more amused than anything else. Ryan plays with the cord that’s attached to the phone.
“You don’t get it, Spence. We haven’t…god it’s been so long since we’ve slept together,” Ryan says.
“It’s okay, Ry, Brendon and I will watch Jude so you and Jon can have your night. Besides, this will give me a chance to show Bren that we’re actually capable of being parents,” Spencer says with a laugh.
“You’re still trying to get him to agree to start a family?” Ryan asks. He turns his chair from side to side a little.
“Well yeah, I love Brendon and besides, you and Jon seem so happy with Jude,” Spencer replies.
“Spence, did you not hear me when I said how long it’s been since I’ve had sex? I mean, I love Jude but it’s hard, Spence.” There’s a silence on the other end of the phone and Ryan can practically see Spencer plotting out his next words.
“How do you mean?”
“I mean there’s never enough time. Jon and I barely talk and when we do it’s all fighting or just…shit, just words to fill up space.” Ryan’s words fly out of him before he can stop them. He’s never told Spencer that he and Jon were having problems. Hell, Ryan never even wanted to classify what was going on as problems in their marriage.
“Ryan, are you and Jon? Are you two alright?” Spencer sounds worried.
“Yeah, it’s, it’s alright. Just take Jude tonight yeah?” Ryan asks.
Ryan leaves a little after five in the evening, he drives home and there’s an edge of excitement crawling under his skin as opposed to the usual tired ache behind his eyes. The prospects of getting to be with Jon, just the two of them tonight, has him driving a little quicker. They don’t have to rush and fumble around like inexperienced kids. They can take their times tonight, Ryan can fuck Jon as fast or as slow as the older boy would like, they can do anything and everything because they’ll have the time. Electricity floods through Ryan’s veins at the prospects.
When he gets back home, everything is almost as it was when he had left. There’s some baby food on the floor that hasn’t been cleaned yet and a few toys lying scattered around but Ryan could care less about those things. He sets down his briefcase on the kitchen table and enters the living room.
Jon is sitting on the living room floor, Jude lying between Jon’s spread legs and he’s laughing, his chubby face curled up in a smile and Ryan can just see the beginnings of his first tooth coming in. Ryan thinks that when Jude smiles, when he laughs, he really looks like Jon.
The older boy turns his head towards Ryan and he smiles. “Look Jude, daddy is home,” Jon says as he lifts Jude up into his arms and the little boy squeals and makes grabby hands at Ryan. The younger boy takes his son from Jon and bounces him a little.
“There’s my favorite boy,” Ryan smiles at Jude and the little boy smiles right back. “Oh, Jon,” Ryan starts and Jon meets his gaze as he pulls himself up from the floor. “I called Spencer today.”
“Okay, how is he?” Jon asks, he brushes his fingers through Ryan’s dark hair and it only serves to make Ryan want more, now.
“He’s fine, so fine in fact that he offered to take Jude off our hands for the night,” Ryan grins, Jon though, doesn’t. “Um…last time I checked that’s good news, Jon,” Ryan says softly, he re-adjusts his hold on Jude who’s currently drooling on the sleeve of Ryan’s shirt.
“No, I mean, it is a good thing but Jude is getting sick and he barely sleeps…I don’t really think Spence and Bren can handle it,” Jon says, his dark eyes trained on the floor and his hand cupping the back of Ryan’s neck.
“Come on, Spencer is the most responsible friend we have! Besides he’s trying to convince Brendon that them having kids is a good idea. Who better to do that then our own kid?” Ryan asks with a smile. Jon lifts his eyes to meet Ryan’s; Ryan holds the smile in place. Jon’s fingers are still warm and thick on the back of his neck and they stare into one another’s eyes, Ryan wonders if Jon needs this night as much as he does, if Jon knows just how much Ryan needs it.
“Are they coming over to get him?” Jon asks and Ryan nods.
“All I have to do is text Spence.”
Jon thinks for a few moments before he smiles, it’s easy and real just like Ryan’s always remembered.
“Fine, I’ll get his stuff ready,” Jon says as he pulls away from Ryan and heads upstairs. Ryan cradles Jude carefully as he fishes out his cell and taps of a text to Spencer. Ryan sits on the couch with Jude, plays peek-a-boo with him because Jude tends to enjoy it and the fit of giggles the boy breaks down into every time Ryan surprises him is enough to lift Ryan’s spirits.
“You must get your demeanor from him,” Ryan tells Jude. The boy reaches for Ryan’s hands. “And your terrible sleep schedule from me,” He adds. He allows Jude’s long (for a baby) fingers to curl around his own and he babbles happily.
Spencer and Brendon show up and Brendon makes huge eyes at the pile of things that Jon had brought down from the nursery for Jude.
“All this is necessary?” Brendon asks as he takes his sunglasses off before tucking them into his pocket and flinging himself at Jon, catching him up in a huge hug. Jon laughs and nods.
“Yes, our child rolls in style,” Ryan says. Spencer comes over to his best friend and his godson and Ryan doesn’t make him ask before he’s standing and allowing Spencer to take Jude from him. Spencer is making big moon eyes at Jude and Ryan really didn’t realize how ready Spencer was to have a child.
“Hi, Jude, are you ready to spend the night with your favorite uncles?” Spencer asks and Brendon steps over to Spencer’s side.
“Ha, look, he’s getting a tooth,” Brendon points out. “And he looks more like Jon every time I see him,” Brendon adds as he throws a look back at Jon. “Lucky kid.”
Jon goes over all the necessary information for taking care of Jude. What he likes to eat, how he hasn’t been sleeping well, Brendon shoots worried looks at Spencer but Ryan trusts that the two of them will do a good job. Spencer used to take care of Ryan for god’s sake, he can definitely manage Ryan’s son.
Ryan and Jon press kisses on Jude’s forehead and Jon looks worried but Ryan’s sure he can make the older man forget in no time at all. Within a few minutes Ryan and Jon are alone. They grin at each other from across the room and Ryan saunters over, slides his arms around Jon’s neck, and let’s his fingers tangle in the back of Jon’s dark hair.
“I’ve missed you,” Ryan whispers, his face mere inches from Jon’s.
“I’m right here,” Jon answers, his warm hands cupping Ryan’s hips.
“Yeah,” Ryan breathes warmly before he leans in and presses his mouth to Jon’s. Just like Ryan wanted he and Jon take things slow. They make out, Ryan cupping the back of Jon’s head as their mouths meet again and again. Ryan gets hard quick and he grinds slowly against Jon’s thigh.
Jon is making these soft little noises and they need a bed, now. They climb up the stairs, Ryan’s fingers entwined with Jon’s. They make it to bedroom, Jon on his back and Ryan straddling him, attacking his mouth while his fingers skim down to the hem of Jon’s t-shirt.
They haven’t fucked since Jon had the baby, five months ago. They didn’t do it much while he was pregnant, Ryan was afraid to hurt the baby and Jon was rarely in the mood. Jon bites at Ryan’s lips, pushes warm rough hands up under Ryan’s shirt, running up his back and the younger boy shivers.
“We need to get naked, like now,” Ryan mumbles against Jon’s mouth and the older boy agrees. Ryan climbs off the bed and sheds his clothes; Jon too undoes his jeans and kicks them down and off, his shirt going with it. They’re naked and Jon’s already spreading his legs for Ryan to settle between them.
“I appreciate your eagerness but we have all night, babe,” Ryan whispers against Jon’s skin. He kisses his way down Jon’s neck, his chest, biting at the soft skin of his stomach, sinking lower to get his mouth on Jon. They continue on that way, Ryan taking Jon in all the way down, the older boy’s hands sinking into Ryan’s hair and holding on.
Ryan’s hands hold Jon’s thighs apart as he sucks down Jon’s length. The older boy doesn’t last long, can’t possibly with how long it’s been for the two of them. Afterward’s Jon lets Ryan take him and it’s slow, Ryan’s hard length buried inside the older boy, Jon’s thighs squeezing at Ryan’s sharp hips, his tanned fingers biting into Ryan’s pale back.
They share kisses and Jon pants into Ryan’s mouth, whimpers when he starts getting hard once again. Ryan fucks him deep, tilting his hips and changing his angle so he can hit Jon’s prostate on each thrust. Ryan groans and lets his fingers dig into Jon’s hips. This is what he wanted, what he’s missed so badly, the physical contact between the two of them, the point where the two of them couldn’t be any closer.
Jon comes for the second time before Ryan comes once. Jon’s all liquid limbs, soft and pliant and he lets Ryan fuck into him. Jon runs thick fingers down Ryan’s back, tracing the bumps of his spine and sending sparks through Ryan’s skin. The younger boy comes then, with Jon’s hand on his back and in his hair, with his whispered words sticking to Ryan’s skin. “So, good,” Jon mumbles.
The two of them maybe fall asleep that way, naked, with Ryan’s body pinning Jon’s.
Ryan wakes up about two hours later and he could keep sleeping warm and comfortable with Jon but it’s supposed to be their free night and Ryan wants to spend it not sleeping.
“Jon,” Ryan whispers into his husband’s ear. “Jon, you should wake up and take a shower with me.” Jon makes a soft noise and Ryan trails long fingers across Jon’s hip. Slowly Jon turns over so the two of them are face to face. His brown eyes are warm and he’s smiling.
“Tickles,” He says as he reaches up and takes Ryan’s nimble fingers into his own. Ryan leans down and kisses Jon chastely.
“Come on,” Ryan says, “Let’s get cleaned off.”
There are hand jobs in the shower, which is detrimental to their getting clean but Ryan cannot resist when Jon’s all wet skin and dark eyes. After the shower they go downstairs and Ryan kind of revels in the quiet of their home, they don’t get much quiet.
The two of them are seated on the couch together, Ryan pressed all along Jon’s side.
“Feels good doesn’t it?” Ryan asks. Jon turns his head to look at him, a slight look of confusion on his face. “Just the two of us, doesn’t it feel nice?” the younger boy elaborates. Jon looks at him for a long moment before he turns away, his chin pressed to his chest.
“Are you…are you happy Ryan?” Jon forces out and Ryan raises an eyebrow.
“Jon…what kind of question is that?”
Jon looks up and their eyes meet, Jon’s worried.
“It’s just…you say that a lot, you know? How nice it is when it’s just you and I. How much you like it-“
“Because I do, like it,” Ryan cuts the older boy off, Jon frowns.
“It makes me feel like you don’t like being around Jude,” Jon says softly, Ryan’s eyes go wide.
“Jonathan, are you serious? How could you even say that?” Ryan begins; he’s up off the couch now, standing in front of Jon. “Jude…that kid’s my life! Everything I do is to help him!” Jon’s up off the couch now too, his mouth a tight line.
“You didn’t answer the question, George.” Jon snaps right back. Ryan knows that they’re edging into serious argument territory. It always happens when the first names come out. Ryan pushes a hand through his hair, closes his eyes and breathes deep.
“I’m happy with you,” Ryan begins; Jon’s mouth opens so Ryan continues. “And Jude, I’m happy with you two but if you’re asking me if I’m happy with where I ended up? I’m not…I haven’t been happy for a while now,” Ryan finishes.
Jon’s staring at Ryan with large eyes, eyes filled with pain and Ryan can’t even look at him right now because it’s killing him.
“You’re not happy in this life? The one we created together?” Jon asks like he can barely believe it.
“No, I don’t mean it like that,” Ryan starts, he leans forward hand darting out to try and take Jon’s but the older boy takes a few steps back, away from Ryan’s touch. “Jon, please, I only meant that I had to give up so much that it all gets to me sometimes.”
“Fuck, Ryan! Do you think you’re the only one who gave something up?” Jon shouts, normally he wouldn’t if Jude were here. “I gave up my place in Chicago! Seeing my parents! My Job! I gave up a lot for us, Ryan. For our life.”
Ryan scratches at the back of his neck.
“I wanted to play music…” Ryan begins; his voice soft and his eyes focused on the floor. “I wanted to be a writer, a real writer Jon! I wanted to go places and see things and I wanted to do those things with you. But then we decided to have a baby and then we couldn’t do those things anymore. I guess…I guess I didn’t realize all the things I was giving up.”
“So what Ryan...are you trying to say that Jude and I are nothing but a burden now? That we’re just something holding you back?” Jon’s voice is strained and tight. His arms are crossed tight across his chest and his mouth is a deep, deep frown.
“No…Jon,” Ryan says, he stares hard at Jon, pleading internally for the older boy to look up at him, to just look at him and see how he could never think that. “But what if I’m not good enough?”
Jon doesn’t look at him but he scoffs. “Good enough for what?”
“For being a good father for Jude,” Ryan whispers. It’s something he never wanted to admit to Jon or anyone else for that matter but it’s a fear that resides deep inside Ryan and if telling him means that it’ll help things then Ryan will. “What if I can’t be a good dad to him because of my own childhood? It’s…I’m always afraid of that, you know? That I’ll be fucking terrible and you’ll get sick of it and you’ll take him and go…”
Suddenly there are hands on Ryan’s shoulder, strong hands and a firm grip and he tips his head up to meet Jon’s eyes. Jon’s not smiling but he’s not looking as pissed off either, his handsome face is a perfect blank slate.
“You are not him,” Jon begins; one hand moves up to cup the side of Ryan’s neck, he can feel each rough pad of Jon’s fingers pressing against his skin. “You’re an amazing parent already and I know you’ll only get better as Jude gets older,” Jon tells his younger husband. Ryan opens his mouth to keep talking but Jon shakes his head and continues. “And I, I won’t ever leave. I haven’t and I won’t so don’t ever think that…you’re not your dad and I won’t…I won’t be like your mom.”
Ryan brings his hand to rest on his neck over Jon’s. “I know…and I’m sorry. I would…I wouldn’t be anything without you and Jude,” Ryan whispers, he’s open and vulnerable and his heart is still thumping wildly as his body calms down from their fight.
“I know,” Jon answers.
They stand there like that for what could be hours, hands on each other’s skin, holding one another close, and their foreheads touching. Ryan breathes in deep and it’s Jon all Jon surrounding him.
The next day things feel better, Jon and Ryan eat breakfast together and things feel lighter. Spencer calls around noon and asks when they wanted Jude back; Ryan can hear the baby giggling in the background along with Brendon’s. By the time Ryan gets home Jude is back and he and Jon are lying together on the bed upstairs, Jude is asleep and Jon is barely awake but he smiles when Ryan presses a kiss to his mouth before he slides down on the bed on Jude’s other side, his hand linked with Jon’s and their son sleeping soundly between them. Ryan knows that it won’t be easy but he does know that as long as he has Jon and Jude, things will be alright.
Pairing: Ryan/Jon
Rating: R
Summary: Ryan has a husband, a son, and a nine to five job but sometimes it’s just not enough.
Disclaimer: These boys don’t belong to me and this is all totally fake
Authors notes: Written for a prompt on anon_lovefest for my not so anonymous op. Ilu bb!
Ryan’s awake at four in the morning, not by choice but because the baby is up. He shouldn’t be the one getting up, he has to be to work in three hours but Jon isn’t moving and even if Ryan woke him up Jon would just point out how he’s been with their son all day and how it’s not fair. So Ryan is the one who gets up.
Ryan stumbles through their dark house, down the hall littered with toys that he and Jon forgot to pick up. Ryan can hear his son screaming before he even reaches the room. Once inside the nursery Ryan clicks on the lamp.
“Jude, it’s okay,” Ryan says his voice thick with sleep. Jude quiets down but doesn’t stop crying. The dark haired boy is sitting in his crib, chubby hands gripping the wooden bars. Jude stares at Ryan with huge dark eyes and the man scoops his son up easily. Jude grips Ryan’s sleep shirt as Ryan goes to make a bottle.
The walking and quiet talking that Ryan is doing is enough to quite the baby down. Jude George Ross-Walker was born nearly five months ago. Ryan loves his son, he does and he couldn’t imagine living without the little boy being there but being a parent is a lot harder than he imagined. Ryan had no idea that it would put a strain on his and Jon’s relationship, their marriage.
Ryan and Jon have been married for nearly three years now, been together even longer. Ryan can honestly say that Jon and Jude are the loves of his life. But that doesn’t mean that it’s not hard. Ryan works all the time because Jon can’t, Jon takes care of the baby the most because Ryan’s working all the time. When they’re both home there’s never enough time, there’s always cleaning, cooking, or a million other things to be done.
When he and Jon do talk its simple; ‘How’d your day go?’ ‘What did Jude do today?’ that or arguing. Ryan hates when they argue because he hates upsetting Jon. The younger boy misses their more carefree days, back when things were easy, it’s getting harder to remember those days.
Ryan stays up with Jude until the boy falls back asleep, his tiny hand curled into Ryan’s shirt. Ryan smiles down at his and Jon’s son; he looks like a good mix between the two of them though Ryan tends to think he looks more like Jon. The man goes and puts Jude back to sleep before he pads back to his and Jon’s shared room.
Ryan’s husband is still sound asleep, curled on his side with his back facing Ryan, the younger boy still remembers when they always slept so close to one another, their limbs tangled. Ryan sighs quietly as he slides back into bed, lying flat on his back, a good gap of space between himself and Jon.
“Is Jude alright?” Jon asks a few seconds later, Ryan wonders if he’s been awake all this time.
“He’s fine, just hungry I guess. He’s sleeping now,” Ryan tells Jon. The older man makes a soft humming noise. So now they’re both awake and Ryan’s supposed to be up for work in three hours and it’s only now that he’s realizing just how much he misses the physical contact he and Jon used to share.
Ryan rolls on his side, one hand dipping under the covers and sliding down Jon’s arm, coming to rest around his waist. Ryan’s hand spreads out over Jon’s soft stomach.
“Jon,” Ryan whispers.
“Hmm?”
“Come closer…or turn over. Yeah, turn over, I want to kiss you,” Ryan tells the other man. Jon makes a soft confused noise but Ryan feels him rolling over until they’re suddenly face to face. “Hi,” Ryan says softly as he leans in to press his mouth to Jon’s. The other man doesn’t respond right away, his mouth soft and slack against Ryan’s but then his mind must play catch up because his tongue is sweeping out to catch over Ryan’s lips before sliding into the younger boy’s mouth.
Ryan’s fingers curl into Jon’s t-shirt as he tugs the older man closer. He can’t even remember the last time the two of them have really kissed, beyond the soft pecks that are given seconds before one of them rushes out the door. Ryan’s missed this, Jon’s taste, the weight and heat of his body against Ryan’s own. Hell, he’s missed Jon.
The younger boy dips his hand lower, lets it play at the waist of Jon’s boxers. Ryan slides his hand down and strokes a long nimble finger over Jon’s rapidly hardening cock. Jon breaks their kiss.
“Ry, you have to be to work in like…three hours,” Jon says sounding slightly worried. Ryan leans up to nip at Jon’s mouth.
“I don’t really care, I need you.”
Jon smiles against Ryan’s mouth as the younger boy works Jon’s boxers down to his knees. Ryan breaks away from Jon so he can change their positions. Jon lies down on his back and Ryan moves to straddle his husband. Ryan touches at Jon again, those long fingers curling around Jon’s now fully hard cock.
Jon moans into Ryan’s mouth, his hands attempting to pull Ryan’s own boxers off without making the younger boy move away from him. This isn’t possible though so Ryan shifts away to get his boxers down. Jon is watching him with those beautiful brown eyes and Ryan’s chest aches with want.
The two of them kiss again, Jon’s hands on Ryan’s hips as the younger boy resumes his position on top of Jon. Before the two of them can get much farther an ear shattering cry breaks the near silence in their bedroom, Ryan quickly realizes that it’s Jude over the baby monitor.
Jon breaks away instantly. “Shit, I should probably check on him,” Jon says and Ryan’s eyes widen.
“Babe, come on, we’re…we’re doing something here.” Ryan pants desperately. Jon sighs deeply.
“I know Ryan, fuck, you know I want to but I think Jude’s getting sick and that’s why he’s not sleeping well and I need to check on him,” Jon says and he’s pushing Ryan up and off of him so he can get up from the bed. Jon tugs his boxers back up before he looks back at Ryan. “Just wait okay? I’ll be right back.”
“Yeah,” Ryan says back dully. He’s lying there with a hard-on and no Jon. Ryan lies back against his pillow and waits, he can still hear Jude crying, he can hear when Jon enters the room, and the way Jon comforts their son in a soft voice, kind words. Jon is a good parent, was made to be one…not like Ryan.
Ryan knows he must’ve fallen asleep while waiting for Jon because the next time he wakes up its morning and his alarm clock is blaring at him. Jon’s not in the bed next to him either so Ryan figures he’s probably up with the baby. The man drags himself out of bed and moves to the closet, perfectly pressed white button up shirts all in a line for Ryan’s choosing, courtesy of Jon.
Ryan works at the local newspaper downtown. It’s an easy job, its writing and that will always be easy for Ryan. It’s not his dream job, not by a long shot but it’s good enough. Once Ryan’s dressed he goes down stairs. He can hear Jon in the kitchen and he can smell the slight sizzle of pancakes being cooked.
“Good morning,” Jon says as Ryan enters the kitchen. The older boy is seated next to Jude, spoon feeding the baby some mashed up bananas. Jude is happily eating, waving his hands around upon seeing Ryan.
“Good morning, Jude.” Ryan smiles, dropping a kiss on the top of Jude’s fine hair. The baby babbles a response back to him around a mouthful of banana. Ryan turns to Jon, leaning in to press a quick kiss to Jon’s soft mouth. “And good morning to you,” The younger boy adds.
“Hey,” Jon says as Ryan moves to pull away from him. Ryan looks back at his husband. “I’m sorry that we didn’t get to…you know, last night?” Jon says softly and Ryan’s face goes blank.
“Hey, no, it’s okay, I was pretty tired anyway, I’m sorry I fell asleep,” Ryan tells Jon, he steps back up to Jon, wraps his fingers around the older boy’s wrist.
“Maybe we can try again tonight? If Jude manages to sleep through the night,” Jon says, he glances over to their son whose banging his spoon against the hard plastic tray of his high chair. Ryan smiles and nods.
“We can definitely try again tonight,” Ryan says as he dips back in for another quick kiss.
“I made you breakfast,” Jon points toward the kitchen table where there’s a plate with two pancakes on it and next to it there’s a jar of open peanut butter. Ryan frowns, now he feels bad, he’s never really hungry in the morning and he’s already running late but Jon made him breakfast. “You don’t want it?” Jon questions, his eyebrows pulled together in confusion.
“No, no, I do. Just, I’m already late, Jon…” Ryan tries, Jon’s hands drop away from Ryan completely and his face slips into that carefully schooled blank slate, the one he uses when Ryan has disappointed him.
“Oh, well, no, I get it. There’s um…coffee on the counter in your to-go cup...And your briefcase is by the backdoor,” Jon says.
“You didn’t have to do all that, I could’ve-“
“You’re going to be late if you keep this up,” Jon cuts off the younger boy and Ryan sighs, he can feel the tight edge of the beginning of an argument, one that might possibly be picked back up when he gets home tonight. Ryan ducks his head for a moment.
“Right,” He says before he backs away slowly. He gets his coffee as Jon turns back to feed Jude. Ryan picks up one of the pancakes, dry and takes a bite; Jon raises an eyebrow at him. “For the road,” He says and there’s just maybe the ghost of a smile across Jon’s lips. “I love you boys,” Ryan calls back to his husband and son as he heads out the door, picking up his black leather briefcase on the way.
Work is an odd mix of tedious and amusing. Tedious because lately Ryan’s been given the task of writing the horoscopes and he hates having to write the horoscopes. He’s only halfway through tomorrow’s prediction for Sagittarius before he gives up and calls Spencer.
“Shouldn’t you be working?” Spencer asks, Ryan snorts.
“Spence, there’s only so long I can make up fortunes before I lose my mind.”
“Kay, so what’s up?”
“Well, I wanted to ask if maybe you wanted to watch your godson tonight?”
“Sure, Bren and I love having Jude over. Why? You and Jon going out?”
Ryan sighs, “Not exactly. It’s just so we can have a night alone you know? So we can do the thing that parents do when they get a night alone.”
“You want me to watch Jude so you and Jon can fuck?” Spencer asks, he doesn’t sound angry, more amused than anything else. Ryan plays with the cord that’s attached to the phone.
“You don’t get it, Spence. We haven’t…god it’s been so long since we’ve slept together,” Ryan says.
“It’s okay, Ry, Brendon and I will watch Jude so you and Jon can have your night. Besides, this will give me a chance to show Bren that we’re actually capable of being parents,” Spencer says with a laugh.
“You’re still trying to get him to agree to start a family?” Ryan asks. He turns his chair from side to side a little.
“Well yeah, I love Brendon and besides, you and Jon seem so happy with Jude,” Spencer replies.
“Spence, did you not hear me when I said how long it’s been since I’ve had sex? I mean, I love Jude but it’s hard, Spence.” There’s a silence on the other end of the phone and Ryan can practically see Spencer plotting out his next words.
“How do you mean?”
“I mean there’s never enough time. Jon and I barely talk and when we do it’s all fighting or just…shit, just words to fill up space.” Ryan’s words fly out of him before he can stop them. He’s never told Spencer that he and Jon were having problems. Hell, Ryan never even wanted to classify what was going on as problems in their marriage.
“Ryan, are you and Jon? Are you two alright?” Spencer sounds worried.
“Yeah, it’s, it’s alright. Just take Jude tonight yeah?” Ryan asks.
Ryan leaves a little after five in the evening, he drives home and there’s an edge of excitement crawling under his skin as opposed to the usual tired ache behind his eyes. The prospects of getting to be with Jon, just the two of them tonight, has him driving a little quicker. They don’t have to rush and fumble around like inexperienced kids. They can take their times tonight, Ryan can fuck Jon as fast or as slow as the older boy would like, they can do anything and everything because they’ll have the time. Electricity floods through Ryan’s veins at the prospects.
When he gets back home, everything is almost as it was when he had left. There’s some baby food on the floor that hasn’t been cleaned yet and a few toys lying scattered around but Ryan could care less about those things. He sets down his briefcase on the kitchen table and enters the living room.
Jon is sitting on the living room floor, Jude lying between Jon’s spread legs and he’s laughing, his chubby face curled up in a smile and Ryan can just see the beginnings of his first tooth coming in. Ryan thinks that when Jude smiles, when he laughs, he really looks like Jon.
The older boy turns his head towards Ryan and he smiles. “Look Jude, daddy is home,” Jon says as he lifts Jude up into his arms and the little boy squeals and makes grabby hands at Ryan. The younger boy takes his son from Jon and bounces him a little.
“There’s my favorite boy,” Ryan smiles at Jude and the little boy smiles right back. “Oh, Jon,” Ryan starts and Jon meets his gaze as he pulls himself up from the floor. “I called Spencer today.”
“Okay, how is he?” Jon asks, he brushes his fingers through Ryan’s dark hair and it only serves to make Ryan want more, now.
“He’s fine, so fine in fact that he offered to take Jude off our hands for the night,” Ryan grins, Jon though, doesn’t. “Um…last time I checked that’s good news, Jon,” Ryan says softly, he re-adjusts his hold on Jude who’s currently drooling on the sleeve of Ryan’s shirt.
“No, I mean, it is a good thing but Jude is getting sick and he barely sleeps…I don’t really think Spence and Bren can handle it,” Jon says, his dark eyes trained on the floor and his hand cupping the back of Ryan’s neck.
“Come on, Spencer is the most responsible friend we have! Besides he’s trying to convince Brendon that them having kids is a good idea. Who better to do that then our own kid?” Ryan asks with a smile. Jon lifts his eyes to meet Ryan’s; Ryan holds the smile in place. Jon’s fingers are still warm and thick on the back of his neck and they stare into one another’s eyes, Ryan wonders if Jon needs this night as much as he does, if Jon knows just how much Ryan needs it.
“Are they coming over to get him?” Jon asks and Ryan nods.
“All I have to do is text Spence.”
Jon thinks for a few moments before he smiles, it’s easy and real just like Ryan’s always remembered.
“Fine, I’ll get his stuff ready,” Jon says as he pulls away from Ryan and heads upstairs. Ryan cradles Jude carefully as he fishes out his cell and taps of a text to Spencer. Ryan sits on the couch with Jude, plays peek-a-boo with him because Jude tends to enjoy it and the fit of giggles the boy breaks down into every time Ryan surprises him is enough to lift Ryan’s spirits.
“You must get your demeanor from him,” Ryan tells Jude. The boy reaches for Ryan’s hands. “And your terrible sleep schedule from me,” He adds. He allows Jude’s long (for a baby) fingers to curl around his own and he babbles happily.
Spencer and Brendon show up and Brendon makes huge eyes at the pile of things that Jon had brought down from the nursery for Jude.
“All this is necessary?” Brendon asks as he takes his sunglasses off before tucking them into his pocket and flinging himself at Jon, catching him up in a huge hug. Jon laughs and nods.
“Yes, our child rolls in style,” Ryan says. Spencer comes over to his best friend and his godson and Ryan doesn’t make him ask before he’s standing and allowing Spencer to take Jude from him. Spencer is making big moon eyes at Jude and Ryan really didn’t realize how ready Spencer was to have a child.
“Hi, Jude, are you ready to spend the night with your favorite uncles?” Spencer asks and Brendon steps over to Spencer’s side.
“Ha, look, he’s getting a tooth,” Brendon points out. “And he looks more like Jon every time I see him,” Brendon adds as he throws a look back at Jon. “Lucky kid.”
Jon goes over all the necessary information for taking care of Jude. What he likes to eat, how he hasn’t been sleeping well, Brendon shoots worried looks at Spencer but Ryan trusts that the two of them will do a good job. Spencer used to take care of Ryan for god’s sake, he can definitely manage Ryan’s son.
Ryan and Jon press kisses on Jude’s forehead and Jon looks worried but Ryan’s sure he can make the older man forget in no time at all. Within a few minutes Ryan and Jon are alone. They grin at each other from across the room and Ryan saunters over, slides his arms around Jon’s neck, and let’s his fingers tangle in the back of Jon’s dark hair.
“I’ve missed you,” Ryan whispers, his face mere inches from Jon’s.
“I’m right here,” Jon answers, his warm hands cupping Ryan’s hips.
“Yeah,” Ryan breathes warmly before he leans in and presses his mouth to Jon’s. Just like Ryan wanted he and Jon take things slow. They make out, Ryan cupping the back of Jon’s head as their mouths meet again and again. Ryan gets hard quick and he grinds slowly against Jon’s thigh.
Jon is making these soft little noises and they need a bed, now. They climb up the stairs, Ryan’s fingers entwined with Jon’s. They make it to bedroom, Jon on his back and Ryan straddling him, attacking his mouth while his fingers skim down to the hem of Jon’s t-shirt.
They haven’t fucked since Jon had the baby, five months ago. They didn’t do it much while he was pregnant, Ryan was afraid to hurt the baby and Jon was rarely in the mood. Jon bites at Ryan’s lips, pushes warm rough hands up under Ryan’s shirt, running up his back and the younger boy shivers.
“We need to get naked, like now,” Ryan mumbles against Jon’s mouth and the older boy agrees. Ryan climbs off the bed and sheds his clothes; Jon too undoes his jeans and kicks them down and off, his shirt going with it. They’re naked and Jon’s already spreading his legs for Ryan to settle between them.
“I appreciate your eagerness but we have all night, babe,” Ryan whispers against Jon’s skin. He kisses his way down Jon’s neck, his chest, biting at the soft skin of his stomach, sinking lower to get his mouth on Jon. They continue on that way, Ryan taking Jon in all the way down, the older boy’s hands sinking into Ryan’s hair and holding on.
Ryan’s hands hold Jon’s thighs apart as he sucks down Jon’s length. The older boy doesn’t last long, can’t possibly with how long it’s been for the two of them. Afterward’s Jon lets Ryan take him and it’s slow, Ryan’s hard length buried inside the older boy, Jon’s thighs squeezing at Ryan’s sharp hips, his tanned fingers biting into Ryan’s pale back.
They share kisses and Jon pants into Ryan’s mouth, whimpers when he starts getting hard once again. Ryan fucks him deep, tilting his hips and changing his angle so he can hit Jon’s prostate on each thrust. Ryan groans and lets his fingers dig into Jon’s hips. This is what he wanted, what he’s missed so badly, the physical contact between the two of them, the point where the two of them couldn’t be any closer.
Jon comes for the second time before Ryan comes once. Jon’s all liquid limbs, soft and pliant and he lets Ryan fuck into him. Jon runs thick fingers down Ryan’s back, tracing the bumps of his spine and sending sparks through Ryan’s skin. The younger boy comes then, with Jon’s hand on his back and in his hair, with his whispered words sticking to Ryan’s skin. “So, good,” Jon mumbles.
The two of them maybe fall asleep that way, naked, with Ryan’s body pinning Jon’s.
Ryan wakes up about two hours later and he could keep sleeping warm and comfortable with Jon but it’s supposed to be their free night and Ryan wants to spend it not sleeping.
“Jon,” Ryan whispers into his husband’s ear. “Jon, you should wake up and take a shower with me.” Jon makes a soft noise and Ryan trails long fingers across Jon’s hip. Slowly Jon turns over so the two of them are face to face. His brown eyes are warm and he’s smiling.
“Tickles,” He says as he reaches up and takes Ryan’s nimble fingers into his own. Ryan leans down and kisses Jon chastely.
“Come on,” Ryan says, “Let’s get cleaned off.”
There are hand jobs in the shower, which is detrimental to their getting clean but Ryan cannot resist when Jon’s all wet skin and dark eyes. After the shower they go downstairs and Ryan kind of revels in the quiet of their home, they don’t get much quiet.
The two of them are seated on the couch together, Ryan pressed all along Jon’s side.
“Feels good doesn’t it?” Ryan asks. Jon turns his head to look at him, a slight look of confusion on his face. “Just the two of us, doesn’t it feel nice?” the younger boy elaborates. Jon looks at him for a long moment before he turns away, his chin pressed to his chest.
“Are you…are you happy Ryan?” Jon forces out and Ryan raises an eyebrow.
“Jon…what kind of question is that?”
Jon looks up and their eyes meet, Jon’s worried.
“It’s just…you say that a lot, you know? How nice it is when it’s just you and I. How much you like it-“
“Because I do, like it,” Ryan cuts the older boy off, Jon frowns.
“It makes me feel like you don’t like being around Jude,” Jon says softly, Ryan’s eyes go wide.
“Jonathan, are you serious? How could you even say that?” Ryan begins; he’s up off the couch now, standing in front of Jon. “Jude…that kid’s my life! Everything I do is to help him!” Jon’s up off the couch now too, his mouth a tight line.
“You didn’t answer the question, George.” Jon snaps right back. Ryan knows that they’re edging into serious argument territory. It always happens when the first names come out. Ryan pushes a hand through his hair, closes his eyes and breathes deep.
“I’m happy with you,” Ryan begins; Jon’s mouth opens so Ryan continues. “And Jude, I’m happy with you two but if you’re asking me if I’m happy with where I ended up? I’m not…I haven’t been happy for a while now,” Ryan finishes.
Jon’s staring at Ryan with large eyes, eyes filled with pain and Ryan can’t even look at him right now because it’s killing him.
“You’re not happy in this life? The one we created together?” Jon asks like he can barely believe it.
“No, I don’t mean it like that,” Ryan starts, he leans forward hand darting out to try and take Jon’s but the older boy takes a few steps back, away from Ryan’s touch. “Jon, please, I only meant that I had to give up so much that it all gets to me sometimes.”
“Fuck, Ryan! Do you think you’re the only one who gave something up?” Jon shouts, normally he wouldn’t if Jude were here. “I gave up my place in Chicago! Seeing my parents! My Job! I gave up a lot for us, Ryan. For our life.”
Ryan scratches at the back of his neck.
“I wanted to play music…” Ryan begins; his voice soft and his eyes focused on the floor. “I wanted to be a writer, a real writer Jon! I wanted to go places and see things and I wanted to do those things with you. But then we decided to have a baby and then we couldn’t do those things anymore. I guess…I guess I didn’t realize all the things I was giving up.”
“So what Ryan...are you trying to say that Jude and I are nothing but a burden now? That we’re just something holding you back?” Jon’s voice is strained and tight. His arms are crossed tight across his chest and his mouth is a deep, deep frown.
“No…Jon,” Ryan says, he stares hard at Jon, pleading internally for the older boy to look up at him, to just look at him and see how he could never think that. “But what if I’m not good enough?”
Jon doesn’t look at him but he scoffs. “Good enough for what?”
“For being a good father for Jude,” Ryan whispers. It’s something he never wanted to admit to Jon or anyone else for that matter but it’s a fear that resides deep inside Ryan and if telling him means that it’ll help things then Ryan will. “What if I can’t be a good dad to him because of my own childhood? It’s…I’m always afraid of that, you know? That I’ll be fucking terrible and you’ll get sick of it and you’ll take him and go…”
Suddenly there are hands on Ryan’s shoulder, strong hands and a firm grip and he tips his head up to meet Jon’s eyes. Jon’s not smiling but he’s not looking as pissed off either, his handsome face is a perfect blank slate.
“You are not him,” Jon begins; one hand moves up to cup the side of Ryan’s neck, he can feel each rough pad of Jon’s fingers pressing against his skin. “You’re an amazing parent already and I know you’ll only get better as Jude gets older,” Jon tells his younger husband. Ryan opens his mouth to keep talking but Jon shakes his head and continues. “And I, I won’t ever leave. I haven’t and I won’t so don’t ever think that…you’re not your dad and I won’t…I won’t be like your mom.”
Ryan brings his hand to rest on his neck over Jon’s. “I know…and I’m sorry. I would…I wouldn’t be anything without you and Jude,” Ryan whispers, he’s open and vulnerable and his heart is still thumping wildly as his body calms down from their fight.
“I know,” Jon answers.
They stand there like that for what could be hours, hands on each other’s skin, holding one another close, and their foreheads touching. Ryan breathes in deep and it’s Jon all Jon surrounding him.
The next day things feel better, Jon and Ryan eat breakfast together and things feel lighter. Spencer calls around noon and asks when they wanted Jude back; Ryan can hear the baby giggling in the background along with Brendon’s. By the time Ryan gets home Jude is back and he and Jon are lying together on the bed upstairs, Jude is asleep and Jon is barely awake but he smiles when Ryan presses a kiss to his mouth before he slides down on the bed on Jude’s other side, his hand linked with Jon’s and their son sleeping soundly between them. Ryan knows that it won’t be easy but he does know that as long as he has Jon and Jude, things will be alright.