First Line

[pinkspider43]

since it didn't make it in, I guess I can share it with you guys. The premise is you have to write a story that uses a certain first line. Other than that, you can do anything. This time the line was "In Pigwell, time is not measured by days or weeks, but by the number of eighteen wheelers that drive past my house

Comments

[alicetheowl]

It definitely has its good points, and I like the overall message. But the voice is . . . Well, I'm not sure you've found this narrator's voice. You have a tense change, and a lot of the word choice signals a drawly, laid-back speech, but then you resist contractions and go a little formal. It makes it harder to get a good view of the speaker.

Overall, though, nice concept, and efficiently delivered.

[pinkspider43]

Yeah, it's hard to resist writing in my tone, and I guess a little of that did sneak in. ^^;;

Thanks for the comment!

[alicetheowl]

You're welcome. ^ v ^