you make me sick
okay so first off, i dropped my effin laptop on the way down here. fuckin great. a little box on it smashed to smitherines. and if i touch the eectrical part the box was holding, i get a shock. this sucks.
youre all fucking stupid.
you know, you all meant something to me.
every single one of you. some more than others, obviously.
but still.
and it makes me sick to think that i have come to believe that every single one of you individuals were full of shit. theres a point where i realized that i didnt and i probably never will mean much to any of you. i wasted...spent so much energy on each of you. and i fucking meant everything i said. and i still do mean it all. i mean every fucking word, i mean every fucking action. i feel rejected, and i feel that the past relationships i have had were just pointless. just games. well, they werent to me...and i suppose ive been lied to, too. i remind myself everyday that every word that came out of each of your mouths was fucking crap. because if it wasnt crap, i think the present would be much different for me now. you would all act like you mean what you said. but you dont. because you didnt. fucking crap. blahblahblah im special. i mean something. yaddayadda crapcrapcrap. not special enough obviously. not wonderful, incredible, or exciting enough to live up to your expectations of me. well, i suppose, sometimes im good enough right? when you feel like forcing yourself to believe im an okay girl. when the only people that mean something to you arent around anymore..or for the time being. thats when i come in...the second hand...or the tenth. depending on your mood. CRAAAPPPPP. im only amazing enough when you feel like getting down on your hands and knees and scraping my sorry ass off of the bottom of the 'good enough bucket'. how come it always seems like i put in so much more than i am getting back? how come it seems liek i am the only one who cares? probably because i am, i wouldnt be the least bit surprised. this entry is probably fucking pointless to write because no one would believe what i am saying, nor would they care. this fucking sucks. gosh, i miss all of you too. because when a person cares so much about another they miss them when they go away...but you all wouldnt know anything about that. not in our situation anyways. when will i find someone who truely, genuinely cares? who means what they say and live up to it. i saw something in all of you, and thats why i stuck around. i know its partially my fault, it would be unfair for me to load a huge pile of blame on your backs. and i dont fucking care anymore if any of you believe me. i really dont. well, actually...i do. because you all mean something to me. but i am going to turn my back and pretend i dont care. because i feel like i shouldnt but...i cant help how i feel, and i cant hold back my emotions forever all the time. and i have to come clean at some point and say something. i need to clean myself out. i mean what i say. i always did. and im leaving it at that.
youre all fucking stupid.
you know, you all meant something to me.
every single one of you. some more than others, obviously.
but still.
and it makes me sick to think that i have come to believe that every single one of you individuals were full of shit. theres a point where i realized that i didnt and i probably never will mean much to any of you. i wasted...spent so much energy on each of you. and i fucking meant everything i said. and i still do mean it all. i mean every fucking word, i mean every fucking action. i feel rejected, and i feel that the past relationships i have had were just pointless. just games. well, they werent to me...and i suppose ive been lied to, too. i remind myself everyday that every word that came out of each of your mouths was fucking crap. because if it wasnt crap, i think the present would be much different for me now. you would all act like you mean what you said. but you dont. because you didnt. fucking crap. blahblahblah im special. i mean something. yaddayadda crapcrapcrap. not special enough obviously. not wonderful, incredible, or exciting enough to live up to your expectations of me. well, i suppose, sometimes im good enough right? when you feel like forcing yourself to believe im an okay girl. when the only people that mean something to you arent around anymore..or for the time being. thats when i come in...the second hand...or the tenth. depending on your mood. CRAAAPPPPP. im only amazing enough when you feel like getting down on your hands and knees and scraping my sorry ass off of the bottom of the 'good enough bucket'. how come it always seems like i put in so much more than i am getting back? how come it seems liek i am the only one who cares? probably because i am, i wouldnt be the least bit surprised. this entry is probably fucking pointless to write because no one would believe what i am saying, nor would they care. this fucking sucks. gosh, i miss all of you too. because when a person cares so much about another they miss them when they go away...but you all wouldnt know anything about that. not in our situation anyways. when will i find someone who truely, genuinely cares? who means what they say and live up to it. i saw something in all of you, and thats why i stuck around. i know its partially my fault, it would be unfair for me to load a huge pile of blame on your backs. and i dont fucking care anymore if any of you believe me. i really dont. well, actually...i do. because you all mean something to me. but i am going to turn my back and pretend i dont care. because i feel like i shouldnt but...i cant help how i feel, and i cant hold back my emotions forever all the time. and i have to come clean at some point and say something. i need to clean myself out. i mean what i say. i always did. and im leaving it at that.