Trust in my...
::sings:: I feel bitter, oh so bitter...
Life is interesting. You can be having the time of your life, surrounded by people, and still be alone and sad.
I feel ugly. And stupid. And really rather useless. And its very sad, because its happiness that makes me feel that way. Everyone else seems to be able to be happy, except for me. Which I know isn't true, everyone has issues, but this is my journal dammit and I'll write whatever the fuck I want.
It makes me angry. I've always wanted someone, a friend or a lover or whatever, who put me as their number one. If someone asked them who their favorite person was, who they most wanted to spend time with, who they would pick if they had to be marooned on a desert island for the rest of their lives, I've wanted someone who would pick me. But I don't have anyone like that. I think I used to, but all of those people found others that they liked better. People who were better than me, more worthy in some way that I just couldn't accomplish no matter how hard I tried. It hurts when that happens. Its kind of like betrayal, but its worse cause you can't be angry with that person for doing it. You just get dropped, or pushed back.
I don't know if I'll ever find someone like that who won't drop me after a few months or years. I guess I just get attached to easily. Love is supposed to take time, right? Maybe I just don't really know what love is, and I'm mixing it up with my needyness or something...
When I was little, I used to sit and my room and think, "I want to go home." It was silly, because I was at home, I was in my own bedroom for gods sake. But it didn't feel like home. I've only felt like home a couple times in my life and each time it eventually leaves. I don't want to get too close, because I don't want to hope and then to hurt. Hoping is even worse than hurting. At least hurting is definite. When you hope, everything is uncertain and shaky and you don't know if it will turn out good or bad or what. And with me, I always think it will turn out for the best, but it usually seems to turn out for the worst.
I have lots of thoughts running through my head right now and I want to get them all out but I don't think I can. I just feel lost and alone in a way that I don't know how to fix. I think if I wait long enough, it will fix itself, but I don't want to wait. I want to be happy now. And I think of things I might be able to do to make myself happy, but it all seems rather pointless. I try to do what will make me happy, do what I want to do, but it never really works. And I'm just living day by day by day, never really noticing any difference or remembering what happened the day before. Nothing is memorable, nothing is distinct. And I want a hug, dammit, but the people up here give crappy hugs. And I'm sick of having to ask for a hug. My mommy would always just give them to me. And I want to cry, but Stephanie is in the room and it would look rather stupid if I just started bawling.
I've just been thinking about my life, my stupid, stupid pointless life and everything thats made me the way I am. Sometimes I wish things had turned out differently, that I could have stopped some of it or changed it and make myself a better person. And I want to do things, like travel and such but then I think whats the fucking point, you're just going to waste money and then die soon anyway.
There are things I want to say that I just can't. I can barely say them to myself, let alone the rest of the world. And there are vague, shadowy things that I haven't even been able to admit to myself.
I want things, and not just material things, that I think will bring me happiness. But when I get them, they never do or at least not for long. Is there a secret to it? A memo I missed? Sometimes I think there is. There just seems to be something out there that everyone else but me is getting (besides sex... or maybe thats it?).
I don't want to sound needy because I know its annoying, but I know I am even though I try really hard not to be, so if you read this could you just leave me a comment? Anything, everything, something to cheer me up or to just help me get out of this funk? It would be nice...
Life is interesting. You can be having the time of your life, surrounded by people, and still be alone and sad.
I feel ugly. And stupid. And really rather useless. And its very sad, because its happiness that makes me feel that way. Everyone else seems to be able to be happy, except for me. Which I know isn't true, everyone has issues, but this is my journal dammit and I'll write whatever the fuck I want.
It makes me angry. I've always wanted someone, a friend or a lover or whatever, who put me as their number one. If someone asked them who their favorite person was, who they most wanted to spend time with, who they would pick if they had to be marooned on a desert island for the rest of their lives, I've wanted someone who would pick me. But I don't have anyone like that. I think I used to, but all of those people found others that they liked better. People who were better than me, more worthy in some way that I just couldn't accomplish no matter how hard I tried. It hurts when that happens. Its kind of like betrayal, but its worse cause you can't be angry with that person for doing it. You just get dropped, or pushed back.
I don't know if I'll ever find someone like that who won't drop me after a few months or years. I guess I just get attached to easily. Love is supposed to take time, right? Maybe I just don't really know what love is, and I'm mixing it up with my needyness or something...
When I was little, I used to sit and my room and think, "I want to go home." It was silly, because I was at home, I was in my own bedroom for gods sake. But it didn't feel like home. I've only felt like home a couple times in my life and each time it eventually leaves. I don't want to get too close, because I don't want to hope and then to hurt. Hoping is even worse than hurting. At least hurting is definite. When you hope, everything is uncertain and shaky and you don't know if it will turn out good or bad or what. And with me, I always think it will turn out for the best, but it usually seems to turn out for the worst.
I have lots of thoughts running through my head right now and I want to get them all out but I don't think I can. I just feel lost and alone in a way that I don't know how to fix. I think if I wait long enough, it will fix itself, but I don't want to wait. I want to be happy now. And I think of things I might be able to do to make myself happy, but it all seems rather pointless. I try to do what will make me happy, do what I want to do, but it never really works. And I'm just living day by day by day, never really noticing any difference or remembering what happened the day before. Nothing is memorable, nothing is distinct. And I want a hug, dammit, but the people up here give crappy hugs. And I'm sick of having to ask for a hug. My mommy would always just give them to me. And I want to cry, but Stephanie is in the room and it would look rather stupid if I just started bawling.
I've just been thinking about my life, my stupid, stupid pointless life and everything thats made me the way I am. Sometimes I wish things had turned out differently, that I could have stopped some of it or changed it and make myself a better person. And I want to do things, like travel and such but then I think whats the fucking point, you're just going to waste money and then die soon anyway.
There are things I want to say that I just can't. I can barely say them to myself, let alone the rest of the world. And there are vague, shadowy things that I haven't even been able to admit to myself.
I want things, and not just material things, that I think will bring me happiness. But when I get them, they never do or at least not for long. Is there a secret to it? A memo I missed? Sometimes I think there is. There just seems to be something out there that everyone else but me is getting (besides sex... or maybe thats it?).
I don't want to sound needy because I know its annoying, but I know I am even though I try really hard not to be, so if you read this could you just leave me a comment? Anything, everything, something to cheer me up or to just help me get out of this funk? It would be nice...