A log
Who: Sigurd and Bernadette
When: BEFORE the second Sun
Where: The bow of the ship
Why: Would-have-been lovers discuss something rather important...
The sunset painted a nice beautiful picture over the lake as Sigurd lead Bernadette out ot the one place he knew he was rarely disturbed. The bow of the grounded ship was a place of tranquility and seclusion that he often found himself coming to when he just needed some time to think. And in this case, it was excellent for a conversation that belonged to no other ears but their own.
Following Sigurd as he headed onto the deck of the ship that had long since become a part of the castle manor, Bernadette blinked for a moment as she took in their surroundings before smiling softly. "Wow, this is ... perfect. Why haven't I thought of coming here before? Of all places, this should be the one to come to mind first ..."
"Well, it certainly is peaceful," he noted, drawing in a breath. He turned to her with a soft look, a bit of a smile on his lips. "Now... you were saying?"
Nodding, she added, "Even in wartime, I find being on a ship relaxing. It's very appropriate." Glancing out at the frozen lake, Bernadette sighed a little. "Have you ever felt like something is wrong but you don't know why? Or have a sense of dread so terrible that you almost feel ill? That sort of feeling came over me suddenly and while it's not so strong anymore, it's still lingering there. In the pit of my stomach ..."
Sigurd took a moment to think on her statement before answering. It was rather heavy and couldn't be responded to lightly. "I can say I'm familiar with the sensation... Is there any recent events in particular that might have caused such a reaction?"
She just shook her head. "Not that I can think of. Other than the nightmares I had been having, I don't understand what could have provoked such a feeling." Bernadette shivered a little as she wrapped her coat around herself more tightly. "Like I said, I can't explain it at all. And it frightens me because I can't."
"The unknown in this world can be more frightening than anything we can see, hear, or feel. I don't blame you for feeling this way. Have you... Have you been able to speak to Kyle about it at all?" he asked, knowing full well the answer may be in the negative. There wasn't much reason for her to be speaking with him if she had Kyle available.
Biting her lip, Bernadette shook her head again. At the mention of his name, she felt that sinking feeling in her stomach again and her hand immediately rested upon it protectively. " ... Ah, no. He has ... still been busy looking after Her Majesty." She sighed and glanced back out at the lake. "There are so many things I want to talk to him about but there's never time ..."
"Hmm... on top of that, I've noticed something else. If you'll forgive my frankness, he's' just been behaving strangely," he remarked, letting out a sigh. "Ive been worried about you since our last talk..."
"Strangely?" She turned towards him, blinking several times. "What do you mean? And other than this strange feeling that's come over me, I've been fine ..." Her confused expression was quickly turning to one of worry again.
"I just never pegged him as the sort ot put his work so far ahead of his personal life that he'd outright neglect you," Sigurd pointed out, once again being very blunt with her. "It doesn't feel right."
Bernadette glanced away immediately at that, shaking her head emphatically as if it would shake away the sting. "He's not ... he's not neglecting me. He is just busy. He is a Queen's Knight after all and he must protect Her Majesty ..."
"Bernadette, I haven't seen you two together in a meaningful way in some time. Given how close you two were before, you have to understand how this looks to an outsider. It really... doesn't feel right to see you being treated this way," Sigurd sighed, admitting some level of personal stake he had in the matter...
She just kept shaking her head as he continued, lifting one hand to rest at her temple and leaving the other on her stomach. "We have our time together when he returns from his duty. Of course you or anyone else wouldn't see it ..." The rest came out as a whisper. "He's not mistreating me, Sigurd. He would never in a million years treat me with anything less than the love he has for me ..." She tried so hard not to add her remaining thoughts as she refused to acknowledge any sort of doubt.
"But...," Sigurd sighed, leaning against the railing and turning his gaze to the sky. "I'm sorry, I just... I still care a lot about you, and the last thing I would ever want to see is you hurt, whether he intended to or not. I know that you are normally happy with him, but lately I'm not so convinced... I've kept my thoughts to myself."
Blinking in surprise as she stared at him, Bernadette swallowed back the lump that was steadily growing in her throat. "Sigurd ..." She had to pause for just a bit before glancing down at the lake below. "I'm happy with him. I just ... miss him, that's all. I feel so lonely when he's not around as often ..."
He paused for a moment, realizing how saying that must have made him sound like... "I can imagine how that gets. If Geddoe is away even for a weekend, I get restless and needy. It's embarrassing, but I suppose we've both learned that is what love will do..."
She nodded, smiling a little. "Kyle's been away on trips before and I had been fine. Ironically, he hasn't gone anywhere far but ... it's almost like he has." Her smile quickly disappeared at her own comment and the pain was beginning to creep out a little in her voice. "I do need him. Especially now ..."
Sigurd looked over at her, reading her voice and body language... "Bernadette... are you... physically alright?"
Glancing back up at the pirate quickly, nodding quickly. "Of course I'm fine physically. What makes you think I'm not?" And without a thought, her hand goes to hover over her stomach prematurely.
"Bernadette...," he lets out a sigh, casting his eyes downward. "You never were a good liar..."
She chuckled nervously at that. "Perhaps not. I simply don't have it in me, unfortunately ..." Gazing out at the ice again, she sighed as well, her voice lowering considerably. "But I am fine physically. I wouldn't call this baby an illness or a physical ailment ..."
"... So I was right. You're more than just considering one... you're already with child," he remarked, a soft smile on his face. "And you're worried about the father. I guess your mood makes more sense now, after all we've discussed."
Bernadette turned towards him then, attempting to hide the pain from showing on her face. "He doesn't even know yet. I want to tell him so badly but again, he has his duties and I don't want to distract him." Hugging herself tightly, she continued, "But instead of sharing wonderful news with him, I'm ... keeping it a secret as if it's shameful. Maybe it is but I ... I don't care."
"Bernadette...," Sigurd said with a sigh, shaking his head. "If he's the father, it's just as much his responsibility as yours. He has an obligation to fulfill..."
"I know but the baby is not even close to being born." She glanced away again. "I can't tell him yet. Not until he is ... granted some time off. I can't even tell Father for fear that he will go after Kyle's head."
"He won't ask for that time off if he doesn't know there's a pressing need for it, I think. If you don't tell him now, it may be too late when you can no longer hide these things, Bernadette. You... you can't just live like this. It's making you miserable. This was something that was supposed to make you so happy...," Sigurd spoke, his frustration showing. How a situation like this had to happen to her...
Shaking a bit, it wasn't clear if it was because she was shivering or trembling with emotion. She shook her head again, looking very uncertain of herself. "I don't know how to tell him. I'm just ... waiting for the best time and it doesn't seem like that time is now. And besides, I don't think he ..." Bernadette stopped there, afraid to say anymore.
"You don't know if he wants children or not, right? Well that was a risk he took when he slept with you in the first place. There is no right time to tell him anymore. You have to do so soon or else it may be too late to do anything at all..."
Her face reddening in embarrassment, she turned away completely, silently chastising herself for bringing the subject up in the first place. "He ... he was using some special herbs so it wouldn't happen. I don't know what happened ..." Burying her face in her hands, Bernadette just shook her head again. "I can't, Sigurd. I just can't."
Sigurd paused. He wished there was something more he could do. Seeing her like this... It was as painful as that day so long ago when he broke her heart. It shouldn't have hurt, still, but it did. "I... I want to help you. I just don't know how. If there's anything I could do at all, I would do so readily, without a single thought. You don't... you don't need this. You deserve happiness. You deserve better..."
"No ...!" Bernadette quickly glanced up again, unable to hide her pained expression. "Thank you Sigurd but ... Kyle's been good to me. I ... understand that Her Majesty needs him right now and I ..." She swallowed hard, forcing back the tears as she continued in a whisper. "I accept it for now. I know he won't let me down. I trust him ..."
"...Accepting the flaws of each other is part of love, yes, but...," Sigurd shook his head again. "I...," he struggled. Words weren't coming. He couldn't think of any. So, he chose instead to just draw her into a warm hug, offering his shoulder for her to cry on. "I will be here for you, no matter what happens. I will pray that you and Kyle see this through..."
Tensing up a little as he wrapped his arms around her and blinking in surprise she eventually melted in his embrace, letting out small sobs. It didn't occur to her how ironic the situation was, as it was just about a year ago when it was Kyle comforting her as she confided in him about Sigurd. "Th-thank you, Sigurd." Bernadette sniffled a little as she suppressed her sobs again. "I ... appreciate that very much."
"My friends are the treasures I keep in this life. If I can offer even just this small support... I'll know at least I've done right by you," he spoke in a whisper.
She nodded, afraid she would start crying again if she spoke. Bernadette pulled away a little, suddenly feeling a bit self-conscious, and glanced up at him. "You're a good man, Sigurd. Don't feel bad for what happened in the past."
Sigurd flushed slightly, looking away from her as she said that. Was that weight of guilt the reason he felt so strong? He had to accept that it was... "I just want you to be happy, still. Even if guilt is part of what inspires that, I'm still your friend."
Bernadette smiled warmly up at him as she nodded. "And I'm glad I have you as a friend. But please. Try not to hang on to that guilt from so long ago. I should hope you are happy with Geddoe now, after all."
"I am. More so than I ever imagined. You should be so happy as well," Sigurd responded, after some thought.
Breathing a little sigh of contentment, she responded, "Kyle makes me very happy. Things are ... just stressful right now but I believe that we'll get through it, just like you said." Bernadette was still smiling but it wavered just a little, almost completely unnoticeable. "Everyone has their ups and downs, after all."
"You're right... And I can continue being the person you can confide in. That much will never change. I hope for you to have happier times ahead." Sigurd spoke softly, a gentle smile on his face.
"Thank you again, Sigurd." She smiled back more genuinely. "You have been a wonderful listening ear, especially now that I need someone to just talk to." Bernadette leaned forward to give him a gentle hug. "And I think I should be heading back now. It's getting late and getting colder. And you probably have much to do."
"As you wish, then. If you geel even just a bit better, then I've done my job," Sigurd said with a content sigh, returning the hug.
Nodding, she gave him another warm smile. "Only time will tell but I do appreciate your willingness to listen and help." She took a step back before walking back in the direction of the manor. Pausing to glance back at Sigurd, she smiled again. "Take care. Both you and Geddoe." With one last wave, she headed back into the main part of the manor to get some much needed rest.
When: BEFORE the second Sun
Where: The bow of the ship
Why: Would-have-been lovers discuss something rather important...
The sunset painted a nice beautiful picture over the lake as Sigurd lead Bernadette out ot the one place he knew he was rarely disturbed. The bow of the grounded ship was a place of tranquility and seclusion that he often found himself coming to when he just needed some time to think. And in this case, it was excellent for a conversation that belonged to no other ears but their own.
Following Sigurd as he headed onto the deck of the ship that had long since become a part of the castle manor, Bernadette blinked for a moment as she took in their surroundings before smiling softly. "Wow, this is ... perfect. Why haven't I thought of coming here before? Of all places, this should be the one to come to mind first ..."
"Well, it certainly is peaceful," he noted, drawing in a breath. He turned to her with a soft look, a bit of a smile on his lips. "Now... you were saying?"
Nodding, she added, "Even in wartime, I find being on a ship relaxing. It's very appropriate." Glancing out at the frozen lake, Bernadette sighed a little. "Have you ever felt like something is wrong but you don't know why? Or have a sense of dread so terrible that you almost feel ill? That sort of feeling came over me suddenly and while it's not so strong anymore, it's still lingering there. In the pit of my stomach ..."
Sigurd took a moment to think on her statement before answering. It was rather heavy and couldn't be responded to lightly. "I can say I'm familiar with the sensation... Is there any recent events in particular that might have caused such a reaction?"
She just shook her head. "Not that I can think of. Other than the nightmares I had been having, I don't understand what could have provoked such a feeling." Bernadette shivered a little as she wrapped her coat around herself more tightly. "Like I said, I can't explain it at all. And it frightens me because I can't."
"The unknown in this world can be more frightening than anything we can see, hear, or feel. I don't blame you for feeling this way. Have you... Have you been able to speak to Kyle about it at all?" he asked, knowing full well the answer may be in the negative. There wasn't much reason for her to be speaking with him if she had Kyle available.
Biting her lip, Bernadette shook her head again. At the mention of his name, she felt that sinking feeling in her stomach again and her hand immediately rested upon it protectively. " ... Ah, no. He has ... still been busy looking after Her Majesty." She sighed and glanced back out at the lake. "There are so many things I want to talk to him about but there's never time ..."
"Hmm... on top of that, I've noticed something else. If you'll forgive my frankness, he's' just been behaving strangely," he remarked, letting out a sigh. "Ive been worried about you since our last talk..."
"Strangely?" She turned towards him, blinking several times. "What do you mean? And other than this strange feeling that's come over me, I've been fine ..." Her confused expression was quickly turning to one of worry again.
"I just never pegged him as the sort ot put his work so far ahead of his personal life that he'd outright neglect you," Sigurd pointed out, once again being very blunt with her. "It doesn't feel right."
Bernadette glanced away immediately at that, shaking her head emphatically as if it would shake away the sting. "He's not ... he's not neglecting me. He is just busy. He is a Queen's Knight after all and he must protect Her Majesty ..."
"Bernadette, I haven't seen you two together in a meaningful way in some time. Given how close you two were before, you have to understand how this looks to an outsider. It really... doesn't feel right to see you being treated this way," Sigurd sighed, admitting some level of personal stake he had in the matter...
She just kept shaking her head as he continued, lifting one hand to rest at her temple and leaving the other on her stomach. "We have our time together when he returns from his duty. Of course you or anyone else wouldn't see it ..." The rest came out as a whisper. "He's not mistreating me, Sigurd. He would never in a million years treat me with anything less than the love he has for me ..." She tried so hard not to add her remaining thoughts as she refused to acknowledge any sort of doubt.
"But...," Sigurd sighed, leaning against the railing and turning his gaze to the sky. "I'm sorry, I just... I still care a lot about you, and the last thing I would ever want to see is you hurt, whether he intended to or not. I know that you are normally happy with him, but lately I'm not so convinced... I've kept my thoughts to myself."
Blinking in surprise as she stared at him, Bernadette swallowed back the lump that was steadily growing in her throat. "Sigurd ..." She had to pause for just a bit before glancing down at the lake below. "I'm happy with him. I just ... miss him, that's all. I feel so lonely when he's not around as often ..."
He paused for a moment, realizing how saying that must have made him sound like... "I can imagine how that gets. If Geddoe is away even for a weekend, I get restless and needy. It's embarrassing, but I suppose we've both learned that is what love will do..."
She nodded, smiling a little. "Kyle's been away on trips before and I had been fine. Ironically, he hasn't gone anywhere far but ... it's almost like he has." Her smile quickly disappeared at her own comment and the pain was beginning to creep out a little in her voice. "I do need him. Especially now ..."
Sigurd looked over at her, reading her voice and body language... "Bernadette... are you... physically alright?"
Glancing back up at the pirate quickly, nodding quickly. "Of course I'm fine physically. What makes you think I'm not?" And without a thought, her hand goes to hover over her stomach prematurely.
"Bernadette...," he lets out a sigh, casting his eyes downward. "You never were a good liar..."
She chuckled nervously at that. "Perhaps not. I simply don't have it in me, unfortunately ..." Gazing out at the ice again, she sighed as well, her voice lowering considerably. "But I am fine physically. I wouldn't call this baby an illness or a physical ailment ..."
"... So I was right. You're more than just considering one... you're already with child," he remarked, a soft smile on his face. "And you're worried about the father. I guess your mood makes more sense now, after all we've discussed."
Bernadette turned towards him then, attempting to hide the pain from showing on her face. "He doesn't even know yet. I want to tell him so badly but again, he has his duties and I don't want to distract him." Hugging herself tightly, she continued, "But instead of sharing wonderful news with him, I'm ... keeping it a secret as if it's shameful. Maybe it is but I ... I don't care."
"Bernadette...," Sigurd said with a sigh, shaking his head. "If he's the father, it's just as much his responsibility as yours. He has an obligation to fulfill..."
"I know but the baby is not even close to being born." She glanced away again. "I can't tell him yet. Not until he is ... granted some time off. I can't even tell Father for fear that he will go after Kyle's head."
"He won't ask for that time off if he doesn't know there's a pressing need for it, I think. If you don't tell him now, it may be too late when you can no longer hide these things, Bernadette. You... you can't just live like this. It's making you miserable. This was something that was supposed to make you so happy...," Sigurd spoke, his frustration showing. How a situation like this had to happen to her...
Shaking a bit, it wasn't clear if it was because she was shivering or trembling with emotion. She shook her head again, looking very uncertain of herself. "I don't know how to tell him. I'm just ... waiting for the best time and it doesn't seem like that time is now. And besides, I don't think he ..." Bernadette stopped there, afraid to say anymore.
"You don't know if he wants children or not, right? Well that was a risk he took when he slept with you in the first place. There is no right time to tell him anymore. You have to do so soon or else it may be too late to do anything at all..."
Her face reddening in embarrassment, she turned away completely, silently chastising herself for bringing the subject up in the first place. "He ... he was using some special herbs so it wouldn't happen. I don't know what happened ..." Burying her face in her hands, Bernadette just shook her head again. "I can't, Sigurd. I just can't."
Sigurd paused. He wished there was something more he could do. Seeing her like this... It was as painful as that day so long ago when he broke her heart. It shouldn't have hurt, still, but it did. "I... I want to help you. I just don't know how. If there's anything I could do at all, I would do so readily, without a single thought. You don't... you don't need this. You deserve happiness. You deserve better..."
"No ...!" Bernadette quickly glanced up again, unable to hide her pained expression. "Thank you Sigurd but ... Kyle's been good to me. I ... understand that Her Majesty needs him right now and I ..." She swallowed hard, forcing back the tears as she continued in a whisper. "I accept it for now. I know he won't let me down. I trust him ..."
"...Accepting the flaws of each other is part of love, yes, but...," Sigurd shook his head again. "I...," he struggled. Words weren't coming. He couldn't think of any. So, he chose instead to just draw her into a warm hug, offering his shoulder for her to cry on. "I will be here for you, no matter what happens. I will pray that you and Kyle see this through..."
Tensing up a little as he wrapped his arms around her and blinking in surprise she eventually melted in his embrace, letting out small sobs. It didn't occur to her how ironic the situation was, as it was just about a year ago when it was Kyle comforting her as she confided in him about Sigurd. "Th-thank you, Sigurd." Bernadette sniffled a little as she suppressed her sobs again. "I ... appreciate that very much."
"My friends are the treasures I keep in this life. If I can offer even just this small support... I'll know at least I've done right by you," he spoke in a whisper.
She nodded, afraid she would start crying again if she spoke. Bernadette pulled away a little, suddenly feeling a bit self-conscious, and glanced up at him. "You're a good man, Sigurd. Don't feel bad for what happened in the past."
Sigurd flushed slightly, looking away from her as she said that. Was that weight of guilt the reason he felt so strong? He had to accept that it was... "I just want you to be happy, still. Even if guilt is part of what inspires that, I'm still your friend."
Bernadette smiled warmly up at him as she nodded. "And I'm glad I have you as a friend. But please. Try not to hang on to that guilt from so long ago. I should hope you are happy with Geddoe now, after all."
"I am. More so than I ever imagined. You should be so happy as well," Sigurd responded, after some thought.
Breathing a little sigh of contentment, she responded, "Kyle makes me very happy. Things are ... just stressful right now but I believe that we'll get through it, just like you said." Bernadette was still smiling but it wavered just a little, almost completely unnoticeable. "Everyone has their ups and downs, after all."
"You're right... And I can continue being the person you can confide in. That much will never change. I hope for you to have happier times ahead." Sigurd spoke softly, a gentle smile on his face.
"Thank you again, Sigurd." She smiled back more genuinely. "You have been a wonderful listening ear, especially now that I need someone to just talk to." Bernadette leaned forward to give him a gentle hug. "And I think I should be heading back now. It's getting late and getting colder. And you probably have much to do."
"As you wish, then. If you geel even just a bit better, then I've done my job," Sigurd said with a content sigh, returning the hug.
Nodding, she gave him another warm smile. "Only time will tell but I do appreciate your willingness to listen and help." She took a step back before walking back in the direction of the manor. Pausing to glance back at Sigurd, she smiled again. "Take care. Both you and Geddoe." With one last wave, she headed back into the main part of the manor to get some much needed rest.