The genre of fanfiction
So, I have been of the opinion for quite some time that if you can write, then you can write. But I'm finding myself in a somewhat self-made dilemma about this attitude.
As many of you know, I'm doing an M.A. in writing. I'll graduate in five months. Now, doing an M.A. in writing sort of sends a message to yourself and those around you that that's what you'd like to do with your life, right? And I write short stories in my free time and last summer I wrote full time on a public grant, etc., etc. I.e. I'm a person that writes. Like most of us, actually, here in fandom.
I like to consider myself fairly intelligent. I'm educated. My life is very relaxed, I've got every luxury I need. And I like to think that I can write. But I've come to understand that I can't for the life of me write fanfic. I just can't. It comes out strained, and stupid and I feel embarrassed. I can't think of a single fic of mine I've been proud of. And that's starting to affect my confidence when it comes to other kinds of writing.
I tried to write fic today. Got about 800 words into it, but it was all rubbish and I threw it away. The last fic I wrote before that I posted under a one-person filter because it was so horrid that it couldn't be imposed on people.
Some of it is undoubtedly the dreaded language barrier. Languages have layers. A foreigner can never appreciate all of those layers, can never quite grasp the subtlety of a phrase, can never pick quite the correct word. No matter how hard they try.
But I can tell stories. I can portrait people. I think. And I'm doing okay at school - hey, I got into a programme intended for native speakers and I'm not even getting the lowest grades in the class. That's something, right? But I am sort of struggling with the idea that if I can't write fanfic, how can I pretend to be "a writer"? How can I devote my life to something that thousands of people are doing in their free time - way better than I ever could? Fandom is filled with people that are doctors, lawyers, chemists, and god knows what else, that are still writing absolutely mind-blowing stuff.
I can't do that. I went to law school and I dropped out during the first semester. I could never become a doctor, never an astronomer, never a programmer. I'm just not smart enough. And that's okay. Because I can write. I think. I do have a certain confidence in my abilities - I get positive feedback, I get paid for writing stuff, I got into this school. But this inability to do produce the stuff that I like to read is really getting me down. When I sit down to write in English (it doesn't affect my writing in my native tongue all that much - probably since that's in a very different 'box' in my head. The first things I ever wrote in English were fanfics, and so writing fiction in English is linked to that. I think.) my shoulders slump. I feel unable to write anything remotely interesting. But in the case of original fiction, I get over it and write something. Often something good.
Which (finally!) brings me to my point. Is fanfic just another genre? I mean, it is kind of accepted that if you write romance then it doesn't mean that you can write suspense. Or if you write horror that you can write coming-of-age stories. I know many of you write original stuff - how do you feel about the difference? Does one come easier than the other? Because damn it, fanfic is supposed to be easier than original stuff! It's supposed to be like riding a bicycle with the training wheels still attached.
But I can't, and I still seem to think I should be signing up for the Tour de France.
All thoughts on the difference between writing fanfic vs. original fic are welcome :)
ETA: As I could've predicted, this turned out more like emo-whining and fishing for compliments than I had intended. I'm actually really interested in the difference about fanfic and original fic, and only intended to use my feelings on the matter as a platform for discussion.
Also, would you consider Love Actually a chick flick? Because I wouldn't.