A Revelation of Sorts
So Jesse's been gone since Wednesday morning, and I've impressed myself with my, well, energy. I mean, sure, Eve's still watched too much TV while I've read books. But I've done load upon load of laundry, kept the kitchen straight, taken the garbage out TWICE and even did a big mopping session on Saturday. And I haven't resorted to getting dinner out every night or even breakfast. I haven't even had my Starbucks jones.
And it hit me, as I was feeling a weird sort of pride in washing yet another sink full of dishes.
I think, for certainly the last year, and maybe even the last three and a half, that I've been battling a mild case of depression.
It shouldn't be that surprising. And maybe others have seen it and not said anything. It's something that runs in the family. 2007 alone would kick it into high gear. But dealing with Jesse's mom for all those years in general, and especially after her final suicide attempt in 2006 right before Eve's first birthday -- I guess I hadn't realized how LONG it's been going on. I thought my post-partum was a two-day event. Now I think it's been a three year event -- compounded by people dying and a frustrating job situation.
I hibernate a lot. I have a hard time getting up the energy to see people. Working mother to a three year old who rarely sees her husband alone? Or mild depression?
I can't get up the wherewithal to help clean the house. Jesse and I argue about it and I maintain that I have a lot more on my plate than he sees because it's all "invisible" -- bill paying, arranging doctor's visits, insurance decisions. And while I think I'm right on that, is doing a load of laundry really that much more? I've managed scads of it this weekend and have actually enjoyed it -- as sick as THAT sounds.
I don't write here anymore. My outlets are reality TV and romance novels. Healthy escapes? Or more hibernating in essence?
I used to sleep a lot on the weekends. That's changing for the better. I woke up an hour before Eve did today for no reason other than I wanted to be up.
So I guess it's getting better. We're talking about parties again -- which I really want to do. The idea of making sudden plans doesn't throw me into a tailspin. Although when plans fell through for this weekend for a playdate, I have to admit, I felt some relief that I could just stay home and watch Ella Enchanted with Eve instead.
Even the realization this afternoon was a good one. I've felt a lot better about stuff. Like, if there's an explanation and it's not just that I'm a lazy sloth, that is good.
And it hit me, as I was feeling a weird sort of pride in washing yet another sink full of dishes.
I think, for certainly the last year, and maybe even the last three and a half, that I've been battling a mild case of depression.
It shouldn't be that surprising. And maybe others have seen it and not said anything. It's something that runs in the family. 2007 alone would kick it into high gear. But dealing with Jesse's mom for all those years in general, and especially after her final suicide attempt in 2006 right before Eve's first birthday -- I guess I hadn't realized how LONG it's been going on. I thought my post-partum was a two-day event. Now I think it's been a three year event -- compounded by people dying and a frustrating job situation.
I hibernate a lot. I have a hard time getting up the energy to see people. Working mother to a three year old who rarely sees her husband alone? Or mild depression?
I can't get up the wherewithal to help clean the house. Jesse and I argue about it and I maintain that I have a lot more on my plate than he sees because it's all "invisible" -- bill paying, arranging doctor's visits, insurance decisions. And while I think I'm right on that, is doing a load of laundry really that much more? I've managed scads of it this weekend and have actually enjoyed it -- as sick as THAT sounds.
I don't write here anymore. My outlets are reality TV and romance novels. Healthy escapes? Or more hibernating in essence?
I used to sleep a lot on the weekends. That's changing for the better. I woke up an hour before Eve did today for no reason other than I wanted to be up.
So I guess it's getting better. We're talking about parties again -- which I really want to do. The idea of making sudden plans doesn't throw me into a tailspin. Although when plans fell through for this weekend for a playdate, I have to admit, I felt some relief that I could just stay home and watch Ella Enchanted with Eve instead.
Even the realization this afternoon was a good one. I've felt a lot better about stuff. Like, if there's an explanation and it's not just that I'm a lazy sloth, that is good.