Forays, redux
Title: Maybe, baby (4/?)
Rating: PG-13ish?
Pairing: Nick/Greg (CSI)
Warnings/Spoilers: Hmm... Grave Danger inspired angst. Was part of the ngchallenge's Clothing Challenge.Parts 1 & 2 and Part 3. 'Guided By Voices' provides the soundtrack to this fic: "Hold on Hope".
Summary: The first step into the unknown.
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4/
Greg senses Nick's stirring rather than hearing or seeing it. He turns his head, just in time to see Nick's lips moving and a sound floating across the short space of floor and air between them.
"Hey," Greg greets Nick who seems to have a hard time peeling his eyes open.
"Greg," Nick blinks once, twice, and a third time and Greg chuckles. To watch Nick battle sleepiness is one of his favorite pastime. Greg doesn't do it very often (beaten to the alarm clock by Nick, most of the time). But that makes him appreciate how special such occasions are.
"Yeah. Welcome back to the land of living," Greg says, and winces when he sounds like a frog with laryngitis.
"Been back for a while now. Just... uh..." Nick replies, "you know. I don't know what..."
"I know," Greg tells him, and points at the food trolley next to Nick's bed. "Wanna eat? Food's actually quite good." Greg knows that Nick isn't ready yet, might never be ready (ever) and he wonders when Nick will talk, if at all. Isn't this getting old? Greg thinks. Nick is eyeing the food warily. Nick eyes everything warily these days, even Greg, and Greg doesn't even know what he's done wrong to earn it.
Greg waits for Nick to make some sort of gesture, a movement, or make a noise of some kind. Greg needs something to anchor his words to, because he needs to have a conversation to get rid of the oppressive silence he's been since he woke up. Greg thinks that he'll be able to take any scrap of hope of conversation that Nick is willing to give him.
It may be the weather (that usually works), but Greg thinks that they're not going to talk about the weather, because they haven't seen the outside world yet. The curtains are drawn shut in an anally-retentive way, not even allowing a single shaft of light through. So, maybe not the weather then. It could be raining hell-fire out there and they wouldn't know.
Maybe they'll talk about hospital food. But that too seems unlikely as Nick pushes the food trolley aside with a small snort of disgust. Nick leans back down and sighs. Greg waits a little bit more, and decides.
"Okay. I'll bite," Greg says and Nick turns to face him.
"Bite what?" Nick is distracted, Greg knows. This isn't Nick playing along some 'knock-knock' game. This isn't Nick. Is he?
"You, hopefully," Greg baits and earns a scowl from Nick. "Like's that ever going to happen," Greg amends, "at least not in the near future. Come to think of it, we haven't been doing anything fun for quite a while."
"Yes we have," Nick counters. "We went to that pizza place you liked just a week ago. And there's the club, and the jazz lounge, and that porn store that you adore."
"We went, Nick. Going does not mean having fun. In fact, it is anything but fun."
"I seem to remember you scarfing down the biggest pizza they can offer," Nick ventures.
"Yeah, 'cause you wouldn't eat! I finished it all because you wouldn't eat. Couldn't eat. No waste of food and all that! And I don't even like that topping!" Greg remembers ordering the biggest pizza with Nick's favorite topping as a last ditch effort to get Nick to cheer up. His Tante Silje told him once that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. That didn't work, obviously.
"And what about at the club, Greg? You seem to have a good time there." And Greg thinks that Nick has lost his mind, or maybe Greg has lost his grip over reality. Over Nick.
"A good time? You call being groped by half the club, a good time?"
"I know what I saw, Greg." And Greg thinks if Nick is going to blame him on this one too.
"What did you see? Did you see me fried out of my mind because it's the first time in so many years that I have no choice but to fall back on psychotropic substances again? Or did you see me touching other people because I can't touch you anymore? Because you wouldn't let me touch you? What do you want me to say? I'm sorry I touch boys under your nose?" Greg won't cry, because he's done enough crying over the past weeks, but damn it. " 'Cause I'm sayin' it now. I'm sorry."
Nick looks at him, but his eyes give nothing away, and Greg doesn't know what else to say. Fuck! "And I didn't even like them. Too young. I was barely this side of paedophilia."
Greg wants Nick to react, but so far his prayers have been falling back to earth. "You know, Gris pulled me aside the other day. Asked me what is wrong with you. Asked me to fix you. 'Cause they're afraid to ask you."
I know Nick is strong, Grissom told him. But we don't want to pressure him too much.
"They're afraid to ask you, 'cause they're afraid you're going to snap and go crazy. Your lady shrink told them to act normal but carefully. Apparently the emphasis is more on 'careful' than on 'normal'." And they think that Greg can fix Nick. "Well, you're not the only one going crazy. I might just pip you to the post on that one." Greg sighs in frustration, but there is a lone twitch just above Nick's eyebrow, and Greg can see blue veins snaking and pulsating up Nick's neck. The ones he likes to lick when they're having fun in bed.
Which might never happen anymore, because Greg opens mouth and lets foot in. Greg thinks he should be more patient than this, because Greg knows how hard it can be. Greg thinks he needs to apologize to Nick. Greg hopes that Nick will forgive him.
"Am I crowding you, Nick?" Because Greg knows what it feels like to have people hovering around him like a hummingbird. Because Greg wants to hear from Nick and make sure that he gets the message loud and clear. He is tired with whatifs and hopes and dreams, and needs to be told.
And Nick looks at him with so much compassion, that makes his heart clench a little bit more. Nick looks at him with so much care and tenderness, like Greg's the one who is suffering the aftermath of a terrible ordeal. And that knowledge is crushing.
"I should've said something," Nick tells him in a measured tone, low and deep and soothing.
"I should've been more patient," Greg counters.
"You have been patient," Nick smiles and Greg thinks that maybe there's something left for him to take away. "Because in that short span of time I... You know, at first I was quietly confident that you'd come and find me. That I trust in you and the others to come and find me, and I keep telling myself that. I laid still on my back and listened to the silence and told myself that. But..." Nick chuckles sadly, and Greg wants to tell him to stop talking, because talking hurts Nick and Greg's done enough damage, but Nick wants to talk and Greg can only hope that they'll both emerge from this alive.
"...But funny how emotions progressed," Nick continues and Greg doesn't know where they're going. "From confidence to desperation. Fear is a frightful thing, and it eats from the inside. And for the first time there's a mortal fear. Then there's resignation. I told myself to accept it, if this is fate. People die in different ways, I told myself, and it so happened that I was about to die like that. And then there's indifference, like I didn't care anymore. Because I thought I've got nothing to lose anymore." But then they came and rescued him.
Because now Nick has to live with the memory of what it was like to die. "It's weird, huh? I should really be thankful that I'm still alive. But I made this decision, you know, like handing over my life and accept death. And have it thrown back at me. Like it's not sufficient offering, or something." Because Greg knows that Nick is proud of who he is, and Nick is aware of what he is worth. To be rejected like that, Greg thinks. And Greg wants to cross the small space between them and touch Nick and tell him that everything is all right. But Greg isn't sure what is right and what is wrong, because he's been very wrong.
Nick inhales loudly, shoulders slumped, face pale, gaunt and weary. Greg wants to tell Nick to stop talking because Greg knows how mentally draining it can be. But Nick beats him to speech, "But, it's not about 'insufficient offering' anymore." Nick smiles at Greg and Greg thinks that he should know what this means, but he doesn't.
Nick must've seen the confusion in Greg's face and laughs tiredly, "I realize that it's not about 'insufficient offering'. But most importantly, it's not my life to give away anymore."
"What do you mean?" Because Greg is useless when it comes to deep, philosophizing conversations.
"My life is not mine to give away anymore, 'cause you own half of it." Nick tells him and smiles. And Greg falls in love all over again.
"What?" I'm hallucinating, Greg thinks.
Nick chuckles, "You heard right. You own half of my life. It's right there on the lease. It's a joint ownership."
"What lease?" Greg answers. Confused, puzzled, bewildered. "Never heard about it. How come I've never seen it?"
"It's the lease of my life, Greg. It's signed and sealed, and legal tender in the afterworld. I think, that's probably why they send me back. 'Cause you haven't signed the release form yet."
"Okay," Greg looks at Nick and thinks that he might be dreaming, or maybe Nick's finally lost it. "Okay, let's just say there's this lease, how come I've never seen it, can't remember signing it, and where is it?"
"It's in my heart, and I signed it over to you the day I fell in love with you."
Greg stares at Nick for what feels like the longest time and laughs. "I love you, too. I wish I'm not hooked up to all these tubes and wires so I can hug you..."
And Nick laughs with him, laughs out so loud until he cries his first tears since that day. "I can wait."
---
They watch the ceiling together. Nurses came and went, friends from work came and went, and they're finally left alone.
"Greg," Nick calls.
"Yeah?"
"Did you know what I was thinking before I woke up this morning?" Nick asks, eyes still firmly fixed to the ceiling.
"No, I don't. As much as I love you, I haven't quite find out how to establish a psychic link with you yet."
"I was thinking about the sea."
"I was supposed to be the sea for you." Greg feels inadequate. He is supposed to be strong for Nick, because he promised to. Greg thinks how easy it is to make promises when the world seems all right. Greg wonders how many times he's broken his promises. "I'm not a very good sea, am I?"
"No, you're not," Nick tells him. "But you said yourself, you're still learning. And I am your shore, remember?"
"Yeah."
"You learn to be a good sea, and I'll learn to be a good shore," Nick replies. "I'll learn to open up to you and not shut you out whenever you come to me."
"And I'll learn to step back and not crowd you so much." Greg feels the need to smile.
"But promise you'll come back to me."
"No rock is going to stop me, that's for sure," Greg chuckles. "I told you once, and I'll tell you again. You're the shore I'll always come back to. 'Cause we're destined to be together, forever."
"Forever," Nick repeats. "Forever. Yeah, I like that."
And Greg knows that there's going to be a lot of talking to come yet, before they can go back to normal again. Only that Greg doesn't believe they'll ever be normal again. But then again, who needs normal, when they can have forever.
That nothing grows on, but time still goes on. And through each life of misery, everybody’s got a hold on hope. It’s the last thing that’s holding me.
---
---
Rating: PG-13ish?
Pairing: Nick/Greg (CSI)
Warnings/Spoilers: Hmm... Grave Danger inspired angst. Was part of the ngchallenge's Clothing Challenge.Parts 1 & 2 and Part 3. 'Guided By Voices' provides the soundtrack to this fic: "Hold on Hope".
Summary: The first step into the unknown.
---
4/
Greg senses Nick's stirring rather than hearing or seeing it. He turns his head, just in time to see Nick's lips moving and a sound floating across the short space of floor and air between them.
"Hey," Greg greets Nick who seems to have a hard time peeling his eyes open.
"Greg," Nick blinks once, twice, and a third time and Greg chuckles. To watch Nick battle sleepiness is one of his favorite pastime. Greg doesn't do it very often (beaten to the alarm clock by Nick, most of the time). But that makes him appreciate how special such occasions are.
"Yeah. Welcome back to the land of living," Greg says, and winces when he sounds like a frog with laryngitis.
"Been back for a while now. Just... uh..." Nick replies, "you know. I don't know what..."
"I know," Greg tells him, and points at the food trolley next to Nick's bed. "Wanna eat? Food's actually quite good." Greg knows that Nick isn't ready yet, might never be ready (ever) and he wonders when Nick will talk, if at all. Isn't this getting old? Greg thinks. Nick is eyeing the food warily. Nick eyes everything warily these days, even Greg, and Greg doesn't even know what he's done wrong to earn it.
Greg waits for Nick to make some sort of gesture, a movement, or make a noise of some kind. Greg needs something to anchor his words to, because he needs to have a conversation to get rid of the oppressive silence he's been since he woke up. Greg thinks that he'll be able to take any scrap of hope of conversation that Nick is willing to give him.
It may be the weather (that usually works), but Greg thinks that they're not going to talk about the weather, because they haven't seen the outside world yet. The curtains are drawn shut in an anally-retentive way, not even allowing a single shaft of light through. So, maybe not the weather then. It could be raining hell-fire out there and they wouldn't know.
Maybe they'll talk about hospital food. But that too seems unlikely as Nick pushes the food trolley aside with a small snort of disgust. Nick leans back down and sighs. Greg waits a little bit more, and decides.
"Okay. I'll bite," Greg says and Nick turns to face him.
"Bite what?" Nick is distracted, Greg knows. This isn't Nick playing along some 'knock-knock' game. This isn't Nick. Is he?
"You, hopefully," Greg baits and earns a scowl from Nick. "Like's that ever going to happen," Greg amends, "at least not in the near future. Come to think of it, we haven't been doing anything fun for quite a while."
"Yes we have," Nick counters. "We went to that pizza place you liked just a week ago. And there's the club, and the jazz lounge, and that porn store that you adore."
"We went, Nick. Going does not mean having fun. In fact, it is anything but fun."
"I seem to remember you scarfing down the biggest pizza they can offer," Nick ventures.
"Yeah, 'cause you wouldn't eat! I finished it all because you wouldn't eat. Couldn't eat. No waste of food and all that! And I don't even like that topping!" Greg remembers ordering the biggest pizza with Nick's favorite topping as a last ditch effort to get Nick to cheer up. His Tante Silje told him once that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. That didn't work, obviously.
"And what about at the club, Greg? You seem to have a good time there." And Greg thinks that Nick has lost his mind, or maybe Greg has lost his grip over reality. Over Nick.
"A good time? You call being groped by half the club, a good time?"
"I know what I saw, Greg." And Greg thinks if Nick is going to blame him on this one too.
"What did you see? Did you see me fried out of my mind because it's the first time in so many years that I have no choice but to fall back on psychotropic substances again? Or did you see me touching other people because I can't touch you anymore? Because you wouldn't let me touch you? What do you want me to say? I'm sorry I touch boys under your nose?" Greg won't cry, because he's done enough crying over the past weeks, but damn it. " 'Cause I'm sayin' it now. I'm sorry."
Nick looks at him, but his eyes give nothing away, and Greg doesn't know what else to say. Fuck! "And I didn't even like them. Too young. I was barely this side of paedophilia."
Greg wants Nick to react, but so far his prayers have been falling back to earth. "You know, Gris pulled me aside the other day. Asked me what is wrong with you. Asked me to fix you. 'Cause they're afraid to ask you."
I know Nick is strong, Grissom told him. But we don't want to pressure him too much.
"They're afraid to ask you, 'cause they're afraid you're going to snap and go crazy. Your lady shrink told them to act normal but carefully. Apparently the emphasis is more on 'careful' than on 'normal'." And they think that Greg can fix Nick. "Well, you're not the only one going crazy. I might just pip you to the post on that one." Greg sighs in frustration, but there is a lone twitch just above Nick's eyebrow, and Greg can see blue veins snaking and pulsating up Nick's neck. The ones he likes to lick when they're having fun in bed.
Which might never happen anymore, because Greg opens mouth and lets foot in. Greg thinks he should be more patient than this, because Greg knows how hard it can be. Greg thinks he needs to apologize to Nick. Greg hopes that Nick will forgive him.
"Am I crowding you, Nick?" Because Greg knows what it feels like to have people hovering around him like a hummingbird. Because Greg wants to hear from Nick and make sure that he gets the message loud and clear. He is tired with whatifs and hopes and dreams, and needs to be told.
And Nick looks at him with so much compassion, that makes his heart clench a little bit more. Nick looks at him with so much care and tenderness, like Greg's the one who is suffering the aftermath of a terrible ordeal. And that knowledge is crushing.
"I should've said something," Nick tells him in a measured tone, low and deep and soothing.
"I should've been more patient," Greg counters.
"You have been patient," Nick smiles and Greg thinks that maybe there's something left for him to take away. "Because in that short span of time I... You know, at first I was quietly confident that you'd come and find me. That I trust in you and the others to come and find me, and I keep telling myself that. I laid still on my back and listened to the silence and told myself that. But..." Nick chuckles sadly, and Greg wants to tell him to stop talking, because talking hurts Nick and Greg's done enough damage, but Nick wants to talk and Greg can only hope that they'll both emerge from this alive.
"...But funny how emotions progressed," Nick continues and Greg doesn't know where they're going. "From confidence to desperation. Fear is a frightful thing, and it eats from the inside. And for the first time there's a mortal fear. Then there's resignation. I told myself to accept it, if this is fate. People die in different ways, I told myself, and it so happened that I was about to die like that. And then there's indifference, like I didn't care anymore. Because I thought I've got nothing to lose anymore." But then they came and rescued him.
Because now Nick has to live with the memory of what it was like to die. "It's weird, huh? I should really be thankful that I'm still alive. But I made this decision, you know, like handing over my life and accept death. And have it thrown back at me. Like it's not sufficient offering, or something." Because Greg knows that Nick is proud of who he is, and Nick is aware of what he is worth. To be rejected like that, Greg thinks. And Greg wants to cross the small space between them and touch Nick and tell him that everything is all right. But Greg isn't sure what is right and what is wrong, because he's been very wrong.
Nick inhales loudly, shoulders slumped, face pale, gaunt and weary. Greg wants to tell Nick to stop talking because Greg knows how mentally draining it can be. But Nick beats him to speech, "But, it's not about 'insufficient offering' anymore." Nick smiles at Greg and Greg thinks that he should know what this means, but he doesn't.
Nick must've seen the confusion in Greg's face and laughs tiredly, "I realize that it's not about 'insufficient offering'. But most importantly, it's not my life to give away anymore."
"What do you mean?" Because Greg is useless when it comes to deep, philosophizing conversations.
"My life is not mine to give away anymore, 'cause you own half of it." Nick tells him and smiles. And Greg falls in love all over again.
"What?" I'm hallucinating, Greg thinks.
Nick chuckles, "You heard right. You own half of my life. It's right there on the lease. It's a joint ownership."
"What lease?" Greg answers. Confused, puzzled, bewildered. "Never heard about it. How come I've never seen it?"
"It's the lease of my life, Greg. It's signed and sealed, and legal tender in the afterworld. I think, that's probably why they send me back. 'Cause you haven't signed the release form yet."
"Okay," Greg looks at Nick and thinks that he might be dreaming, or maybe Nick's finally lost it. "Okay, let's just say there's this lease, how come I've never seen it, can't remember signing it, and where is it?"
"It's in my heart, and I signed it over to you the day I fell in love with you."
Greg stares at Nick for what feels like the longest time and laughs. "I love you, too. I wish I'm not hooked up to all these tubes and wires so I can hug you..."
And Nick laughs with him, laughs out so loud until he cries his first tears since that day. "I can wait."
---
They watch the ceiling together. Nurses came and went, friends from work came and went, and they're finally left alone.
"Greg," Nick calls.
"Yeah?"
"Did you know what I was thinking before I woke up this morning?" Nick asks, eyes still firmly fixed to the ceiling.
"No, I don't. As much as I love you, I haven't quite find out how to establish a psychic link with you yet."
"I was thinking about the sea."
"I was supposed to be the sea for you." Greg feels inadequate. He is supposed to be strong for Nick, because he promised to. Greg thinks how easy it is to make promises when the world seems all right. Greg wonders how many times he's broken his promises. "I'm not a very good sea, am I?"
"No, you're not," Nick tells him. "But you said yourself, you're still learning. And I am your shore, remember?"
"Yeah."
"You learn to be a good sea, and I'll learn to be a good shore," Nick replies. "I'll learn to open up to you and not shut you out whenever you come to me."
"And I'll learn to step back and not crowd you so much." Greg feels the need to smile.
"But promise you'll come back to me."
"No rock is going to stop me, that's for sure," Greg chuckles. "I told you once, and I'll tell you again. You're the shore I'll always come back to. 'Cause we're destined to be together, forever."
"Forever," Nick repeats. "Forever. Yeah, I like that."
And Greg knows that there's going to be a lot of talking to come yet, before they can go back to normal again. Only that Greg doesn't believe they'll ever be normal again. But then again, who needs normal, when they can have forever.
That nothing grows on, but time still goes on. And through each life of misery, everybody’s got a hold on hope. It’s the last thing that’s holding me.
---
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