life ? maybe this is for god.. or whoever the fuck runs things up there.
why does life give us so very little so very infrequently, just for us to get comfortable with it.. and then rip it all away so suddenly and heart wrenchingly.
why are we indecisive?
why are we unhappy.. when all things in life are things that make us happy?
why do we fight when theres nothing to be fought about.
why do we Hurt when the only reason to do so.. is none at all.
why don't we care about other people the way we so long to be cared about deep inside.
a quote via text from a while ago:
"theres a part of me that screams out,
a part of me that cries.
there's a part of thats happy,
and a part of me that's died."
i hate not being able to just hang out with the people i care about and enjoy hanging out with.. i hate that whenever i dont have to opportunity they all go and do stuff together, stuff i wish i could be doing.
i hate doing everything i can to forge, mend and mantain friendships, and having it thrown back in my face just because all i'll ever have to say.. is please tell me what i did.
i hate the people that know how to hurt me, a couple in particular. and i hate the people that never once reach out when they know i need it, but instead reach out when they realize the storm could cross their path, or remember that they left the cigarette lit that burnt the house down.
i wish i could just run from it all, but i've ran my whole life. its like a run down shack. i fixed the roof, but the floor gave out. then i fix the floor but theres a chimney fire and the walls need fixing.
so many things have gone down lately with my mom and stuff.. with my real dad.. and i've needed to talk about so many things, but theres never anyone there. there's no voice but the ones on the answering machines of *friends* who don't answer my calls. and theres nothing but quiet while i wait for those calls to be returned.
there are days here and there when the amount of ache and hurt and just general brokenness gets to me so much i feel like i can't keep going. there were never any answers to my questions. the ones i know i had a right to hear. never any resolve for my losses. somedays i feel like the part of me that was well.. happy.. has just gone away for a while.. or maybe a little longer.
sometimes i feel like i'm just floating along.. feigning courage, and bravery and smiles and laughter. because i still have no idea what i should do with myself. i mourn almost, the happiness i had at one time.. that i had earned. the future i lost before i even had a chance to begin. and all i have left is hatred.
i used to say that no matter what happened to me. all i've ever had is hope. and i always have. hope for the next day or the day after that. but i dont really know any more.what do i have to look forward to? everything i've ever truly loved. every real happiness i've ever had has been tainted, or stolen, or mutilated into something unrecognizable. and i have absolutely no idea what.
What great sin have i committed to warrant that. i used to say to myself every time another piece of happiness or hope was taken from me; today was not my day. perhaps tomorrow will be. but i no longer know if tomorrow is really coming. i no longer believe myself when i say that today wasn't my day.. and i all i do instead is ask why? why life happened the way it did.. and what in god's name did i do to deserve it.
i wish i could just start over.
i wish i could just be happy again. maybe i have had my happiness. in that case.. i just wish i knew why it was gone.
and i dont really know
why are we indecisive?
why are we unhappy.. when all things in life are things that make us happy?
why do we fight when theres nothing to be fought about.
why do we Hurt when the only reason to do so.. is none at all.
why don't we care about other people the way we so long to be cared about deep inside.
a quote via text from a while ago:
"theres a part of me that screams out,
a part of me that cries.
there's a part of thats happy,
and a part of me that's died."
i hate not being able to just hang out with the people i care about and enjoy hanging out with.. i hate that whenever i dont have to opportunity they all go and do stuff together, stuff i wish i could be doing.
i hate doing everything i can to forge, mend and mantain friendships, and having it thrown back in my face just because all i'll ever have to say.. is please tell me what i did.
i hate the people that know how to hurt me, a couple in particular. and i hate the people that never once reach out when they know i need it, but instead reach out when they realize the storm could cross their path, or remember that they left the cigarette lit that burnt the house down.
i wish i could just run from it all, but i've ran my whole life. its like a run down shack. i fixed the roof, but the floor gave out. then i fix the floor but theres a chimney fire and the walls need fixing.
so many things have gone down lately with my mom and stuff.. with my real dad.. and i've needed to talk about so many things, but theres never anyone there. there's no voice but the ones on the answering machines of *friends* who don't answer my calls. and theres nothing but quiet while i wait for those calls to be returned.
there are days here and there when the amount of ache and hurt and just general brokenness gets to me so much i feel like i can't keep going. there were never any answers to my questions. the ones i know i had a right to hear. never any resolve for my losses. somedays i feel like the part of me that was well.. happy.. has just gone away for a while.. or maybe a little longer.
sometimes i feel like i'm just floating along.. feigning courage, and bravery and smiles and laughter. because i still have no idea what i should do with myself. i mourn almost, the happiness i had at one time.. that i had earned. the future i lost before i even had a chance to begin. and all i have left is hatred.
i used to say that no matter what happened to me. all i've ever had is hope. and i always have. hope for the next day or the day after that. but i dont really know any more.what do i have to look forward to? everything i've ever truly loved. every real happiness i've ever had has been tainted, or stolen, or mutilated into something unrecognizable. and i have absolutely no idea what.
What great sin have i committed to warrant that. i used to say to myself every time another piece of happiness or hope was taken from me; today was not my day. perhaps tomorrow will be. but i no longer know if tomorrow is really coming. i no longer believe myself when i say that today wasn't my day.. and i all i do instead is ask why? why life happened the way it did.. and what in god's name did i do to deserve it.
i wish i could just start over.
i wish i could just be happy again. maybe i have had my happiness. in that case.. i just wish i knew why it was gone.
and i dont really know