Best form of flattery?
For Ali, Jackie and all the Zelda fans XD
Day 1:
First day on quest to get the Triforce! Better start up bright and early.
Went to the magical forbidden forest and ask nicely for the Kokori Emerald. Old tree said I was tainted and not worthy. Threatened him with pain even more disgusting and nauseating than eating Zora eggs. Said it was impossible, so I showed him!
Later:
Heard that some kid from the forest actually braved entering the very unwashed mouth of the tree to find reason for his bad breath. Killed off my favorite spider! Still, happy because tree will die anyway! So what does the lousy senile ass do? Says he’s the kid is hero with bright future and angst past and gives him the jewel. But does this kid have a harem? I THINK NOT. Besides, green so yesterday.
This kid does give me an idea!
No, not that type of idea. Perverts. This is not a slash-fic.
Day 2:
Rode up to Hyrule castle. Made up bull about joining the King in his quest for peace. Knows that all he wants is MY HAREM. Saw Zelda spying on me through the window. Thinking she totally wants me, but is a little too young for my tastes. Impa, on the other hand...then again a bit too much makeup. Suspects magical Triforce fairies had something to do with it. Am I the only one who thinks that their laugh is annoying?
Later:
Rode up Death Mountain (who names things around here? No wonder no one visits here. It’s actually a nice vacation spot) to Goron City. Talked to leader Darunia and asked about Ruby, refused and also said I was corrupted by evil. Since, I know he doesn’t want my harem, I have sealed off the cave where they get supplies of rocks and reawakened the Dodongos. Figure they could all use a diet.
Day 3:
Heard the Hero also helped the Gorons and Darunia swore brotherhood. Questioning his sanity and sexual preferences. Got to Zora Land, but was told that the Sappire was in the hand of princess. Since I do not want more trophy wives, decided to poison the god fish and hope the Hero will come. Then he can marry her off! HA! Heard Zora wives make men carry the babies. SEE HOW HE LIKES THAT!
Day 4:
Preparing for the final phrase of plan. Scared Zelda off with best evil laugh, fireworks and stories about how I once slept her mother (how do YOU think the Hyrule war started?). Impa came in and thought I was going to try and add her to my harem, so ran off on a milky white horse. Followed with my own horse. Saw the hero near the castle gate. Super wimpy, pushed him back with my level 1 dark bolt. Who’s the hero now? Huh? Huh?
Later:
As I suspected, Hero is a complete retard. Opened up temple of time leaving the front door open, COMPLETELY ignored the Triforce and took the shiny sword in the center. It’s all mine! YAY!
Day 5:
Well, it's done, I've taken the triforce of power. I was aiming for the whole thing mind you, but magical gods decided that I only deserved one part. No idea where other two are. Suspect they are jealous of my harem.
The good side is that I am really powerful now!!!
To summerize everything:
Zora: FROZEN.
Goros: WILL THROW THEM TO A DRAGON.
That farmplace: Gave it to some dolt named Ingo, who promised me a VERY SHINY HORSE. Good, because my last horse just died after eating his daily supply of kittens.
Lake: GONE.
Kinky Fairy People: Well, they are cute but still, I SCARED THEM INTO THEIR HOUSES. SO TOTALLY EVIL.
Hyrule Castle: OWNED! Have redecorated with very shiny organ. Will probably take lessons.
Princess Zelda: Escaped after I went back to get the Triforce. Probably went into hiding, but expect to see her pop up soon. After all, supply of princess shampoo very limited.
Gerudos: NO ONE TOUCHES MY HAREM. Taken out the bridge. That should keep out any local pervert and keep ME safe when they have their PMS phase.
Now, to go around and wreck even more havoc and destruction!
My moms must be so proud!
Year 7:
Last Seven years have been very good. Castle redecoration is complete, nice view and can see Gerudo valley from afar. Fairy neighbor complained about the noise so threw a bolder over her cave. SEE HOW SHE LIKES THAT. Still no horse, but was told I would get it soon. Was told her name was Epona, but will rename her to Deathfyre or something cool like that. Will probably paint her, give her fangs and taint her with evil.
Miss my old horse. Stupid kittens, why do you have to be so bony?
Found prophesy about stupid seven sages that could kick my ass if they have the chance, so going over the countryside in hopes to find them.
In another note, still can't believe that Naboruu was backstabbing me as she was my favorite in bed. Maybe she is angry that my mothers kept watching us?
Year 7, Day 2:
HE STOLE MY NEW HORSE.
The Hero is back, and grown up (still wearing that horrible green outfit, and dragging along that HORRIBLE TALKING FAIRY). Instead of coming up to my castle and falling into the lava like I planned, he STOLE MY HORSE. Suspect he still lacks brains, so will watch him from afar. But not now, need to practice organ. Am getting really good, although a Dinoflos told me that I should try playing something other than depressing slow pieces. Replied by making him eat Zora eggs then throwing him into the lava.
Year 7, Day 3:
Tested the hero by making him fight my dark reflection. WAS THE COOLEST THING EVER. Hero’s expression was priceless! Hope he had a spare tunic! Had great fun by making the phantom fly in portraits and float in the air. Even if it was defeated, was amused that the hero was held back by really lame spears with rope tied to them. Maybe using magical weapons not the answer, perhaps returning to primitive methods a good idea.
Year 7, Day 4:
Testing out theory. Stole all fire resistant tunics (why do they sell tunics if they don’t need any?) so hero can’t enter. Somehow he found one (I don’t even want to know how) and entered volcano anyway. Defeated my favorite dragon using magical hammer and sword. Grr.
Year 7, Day 5:
After finding the metal boots which I had hidden, the Hero entered temple under the lake in the hopes of returning water. Even defeated his own reflection! Worked so hard on the goth look too! Getting tired of him destroying of what I worked so hard during the last seven years. Should have buried the boots and burned tunics in the volcano like I first thought. Will continue to practice organ to change my ideas. I have the Triforce of Power so I don’t need to worry right?
Year 7, Day 6:
Okay, how did he manage to get up to that Shadow temple? I thought that my creature had sealed off the well. Suspecting Hero is very, very flexible. Finally managed to capture Impa but the hero takes her right under my nose. Probably building his own Harem, but mine is way cooler!
Year 7, Day 7:
HE IS AFTER MY HAREM.
FUCK. I KNEW IT.
I WILL RIP OUT HIS SPINE.
He is so dead.
But first, will let him have fun their first, see if he can survive surrounded by many females. Suspect the Hero picked the sword to compensate for his manhood. I know I have no problems there!
…And if anyone wants to argue against that, I will crush them like bugs. WHO HERE HAS THE TRIFORCE OF POWER?
That’s right. Me.
Later:
HE KILLED MY MOTHER. Or mothers. I am always confused.
…wait that’s not so bad after all! They -were- getting annoying recently. “Ganondorf, you must stop the Hero!” or “Ganondorf, you really need to clean your room” or “Ganondorf, stop flinging kittens into the red hot lava.”
Year 7, Day 8:
Hero back in the Temple of Time, after realizing that he can’t walk to my castle. A winner is me!
A few minutes later:
Found out Zelda has the Triforce of Wisdom. Didn’t suspect at all since she did transformed before the Hero right next to my castle. I have Stalfos even less dumb than her! Maybe she has a thing for him. Anyway, I captured her in a crystal right under their noses and taunted the Hero! Hahaha. Crystal so pretty. Should take up collecting maidens that way! Maybe if I’m lucky he’ll try to jump over the lava pit and fall right in so I can go and get the Triforce of Courage. Should have told him I’d make invisible stairs for him. I’m sure he’s dumb enough to fall for it.
Maybe I should go out and meet him…nah. I have the TRIFORCE OF POWER. And soon, I’ll have the whole Triforce!
First wish will be for a new nose.
Later Morning:
The Hero managed to get in using a politically correct rainbow bridge. Suspect Darunia was mostly responsible for it. Still have lots of barriers, so I’m quite safe. Off for lunch.
Early afternoon:
Hero close to entering room. Dammit! Better make the most of it. Planning to taunt him with best organ playing and flying around the room. Note to self: Make sure to shut up his ANNOYING FAIRY before the battle.
After the battle:
FUCK. Why didn’t anyone tell me Zelda found the Light arrows? She knew flashing lights is my weakness. Shouldn’t have attended that Hyrule rave party so many years ago, her father told her all about -that- story a million times. YEAH BUT WHO SLEPT WITH YOUR WIFE? That’s right, ME. Oh well, time for plan B, pressing the castle’s self-destruct button!
Year 7, Day 28:
FUCK FUCK FUCK.
So, I was like sure the castle would destroy him but he managed to survive. So then, I went to plan C, which was transform into really cool monster. I even knocked the sword from his grasp! I knew Zelda would not touch it, since she a clean freak. Probably thought it had Hero germs or something (hope Hero slobbered all over the Ocarina). Also probably thinks HE managed by hold me off by smashing my tail, but I was really distracted by Zelda when she raised her dress. Let me tell you, NO PANTIES WHATSOEVER. Hero managed to get the sword back before I came to my sense. Next thing I knew the sword was in my head and Zelda and those DAMN SAGES trapped me here.
I didn’t write for a while because I was away brooding. This magical sealing dimension is so lame. And worse of all, there’s NO HAREM.
Expect to get out in a couple of a thousand years, then will wreck havoc and bloody revenge in the next sequel.
Day 1:
First day on quest to get the Triforce! Better start up bright and early.
Went to the magical forbidden forest and ask nicely for the Kokori Emerald. Old tree said I was tainted and not worthy. Threatened him with pain even more disgusting and nauseating than eating Zora eggs. Said it was impossible, so I showed him!
Later:
Heard that some kid from the forest actually braved entering the very unwashed mouth of the tree to find reason for his bad breath. Killed off my favorite spider! Still, happy because tree will die anyway! So what does the lousy senile ass do? Says he’s the kid is hero with bright future and angst past and gives him the jewel. But does this kid have a harem? I THINK NOT. Besides, green so yesterday.
This kid does give me an idea!
No, not that type of idea. Perverts. This is not a slash-fic.
Day 2:
Rode up to Hyrule castle. Made up bull about joining the King in his quest for peace. Knows that all he wants is MY HAREM. Saw Zelda spying on me through the window. Thinking she totally wants me, but is a little too young for my tastes. Impa, on the other hand...then again a bit too much makeup. Suspects magical Triforce fairies had something to do with it. Am I the only one who thinks that their laugh is annoying?
Later:
Rode up Death Mountain (who names things around here? No wonder no one visits here. It’s actually a nice vacation spot) to Goron City. Talked to leader Darunia and asked about Ruby, refused and also said I was corrupted by evil. Since, I know he doesn’t want my harem, I have sealed off the cave where they get supplies of rocks and reawakened the Dodongos. Figure they could all use a diet.
Day 3:
Heard the Hero also helped the Gorons and Darunia swore brotherhood. Questioning his sanity and sexual preferences. Got to Zora Land, but was told that the Sappire was in the hand of princess. Since I do not want more trophy wives, decided to poison the god fish and hope the Hero will come. Then he can marry her off! HA! Heard Zora wives make men carry the babies. SEE HOW HE LIKES THAT!
Day 4:
Preparing for the final phrase of plan. Scared Zelda off with best evil laugh, fireworks and stories about how I once slept her mother (how do YOU think the Hyrule war started?). Impa came in and thought I was going to try and add her to my harem, so ran off on a milky white horse. Followed with my own horse. Saw the hero near the castle gate. Super wimpy, pushed him back with my level 1 dark bolt. Who’s the hero now? Huh? Huh?
Later:
As I suspected, Hero is a complete retard. Opened up temple of time leaving the front door open, COMPLETELY ignored the Triforce and took the shiny sword in the center. It’s all mine! YAY!
Day 5:
Well, it's done, I've taken the triforce of power. I was aiming for the whole thing mind you, but magical gods decided that I only deserved one part. No idea where other two are. Suspect they are jealous of my harem.
The good side is that I am really powerful now!!!
To summerize everything:
Zora: FROZEN.
Goros: WILL THROW THEM TO A DRAGON.
That farmplace: Gave it to some dolt named Ingo, who promised me a VERY SHINY HORSE. Good, because my last horse just died after eating his daily supply of kittens.
Lake: GONE.
Kinky Fairy People: Well, they are cute but still, I SCARED THEM INTO THEIR HOUSES. SO TOTALLY EVIL.
Hyrule Castle: OWNED! Have redecorated with very shiny organ. Will probably take lessons.
Princess Zelda: Escaped after I went back to get the Triforce. Probably went into hiding, but expect to see her pop up soon. After all, supply of princess shampoo very limited.
Gerudos: NO ONE TOUCHES MY HAREM. Taken out the bridge. That should keep out any local pervert and keep ME safe when they have their PMS phase.
Now, to go around and wreck even more havoc and destruction!
My moms must be so proud!
Year 7:
Last Seven years have been very good. Castle redecoration is complete, nice view and can see Gerudo valley from afar. Fairy neighbor complained about the noise so threw a bolder over her cave. SEE HOW SHE LIKES THAT. Still no horse, but was told I would get it soon. Was told her name was Epona, but will rename her to Deathfyre or something cool like that. Will probably paint her, give her fangs and taint her with evil.
Miss my old horse. Stupid kittens, why do you have to be so bony?
Found prophesy about stupid seven sages that could kick my ass if they have the chance, so going over the countryside in hopes to find them.
In another note, still can't believe that Naboruu was backstabbing me as she was my favorite in bed. Maybe she is angry that my mothers kept watching us?
Year 7, Day 2:
HE STOLE MY NEW HORSE.
The Hero is back, and grown up (still wearing that horrible green outfit, and dragging along that HORRIBLE TALKING FAIRY). Instead of coming up to my castle and falling into the lava like I planned, he STOLE MY HORSE. Suspect he still lacks brains, so will watch him from afar. But not now, need to practice organ. Am getting really good, although a Dinoflos told me that I should try playing something other than depressing slow pieces. Replied by making him eat Zora eggs then throwing him into the lava.
Year 7, Day 3:
Tested the hero by making him fight my dark reflection. WAS THE COOLEST THING EVER. Hero’s expression was priceless! Hope he had a spare tunic! Had great fun by making the phantom fly in portraits and float in the air. Even if it was defeated, was amused that the hero was held back by really lame spears with rope tied to them. Maybe using magical weapons not the answer, perhaps returning to primitive methods a good idea.
Year 7, Day 4:
Testing out theory. Stole all fire resistant tunics (why do they sell tunics if they don’t need any?) so hero can’t enter. Somehow he found one (I don’t even want to know how) and entered volcano anyway. Defeated my favorite dragon using magical hammer and sword. Grr.
Year 7, Day 5:
After finding the metal boots which I had hidden, the Hero entered temple under the lake in the hopes of returning water. Even defeated his own reflection! Worked so hard on the goth look too! Getting tired of him destroying of what I worked so hard during the last seven years. Should have buried the boots and burned tunics in the volcano like I first thought. Will continue to practice organ to change my ideas. I have the Triforce of Power so I don’t need to worry right?
Year 7, Day 6:
Okay, how did he manage to get up to that Shadow temple? I thought that my creature had sealed off the well. Suspecting Hero is very, very flexible. Finally managed to capture Impa but the hero takes her right under my nose. Probably building his own Harem, but mine is way cooler!
Year 7, Day 7:
HE IS AFTER MY HAREM.
FUCK. I KNEW IT.
I WILL RIP OUT HIS SPINE.
He is so dead.
But first, will let him have fun their first, see if he can survive surrounded by many females. Suspect the Hero picked the sword to compensate for his manhood. I know I have no problems there!
…And if anyone wants to argue against that, I will crush them like bugs. WHO HERE HAS THE TRIFORCE OF POWER?
That’s right. Me.
Later:
HE KILLED MY MOTHER. Or mothers. I am always confused.
…wait that’s not so bad after all! They -were- getting annoying recently. “Ganondorf, you must stop the Hero!” or “Ganondorf, you really need to clean your room” or “Ganondorf, stop flinging kittens into the red hot lava.”
Year 7, Day 8:
Hero back in the Temple of Time, after realizing that he can’t walk to my castle. A winner is me!
A few minutes later:
Found out Zelda has the Triforce of Wisdom. Didn’t suspect at all since she did transformed before the Hero right next to my castle. I have Stalfos even less dumb than her! Maybe she has a thing for him. Anyway, I captured her in a crystal right under their noses and taunted the Hero! Hahaha. Crystal so pretty. Should take up collecting maidens that way! Maybe if I’m lucky he’ll try to jump over the lava pit and fall right in so I can go and get the Triforce of Courage. Should have told him I’d make invisible stairs for him. I’m sure he’s dumb enough to fall for it.
Maybe I should go out and meet him…nah. I have the TRIFORCE OF POWER. And soon, I’ll have the whole Triforce!
First wish will be for a new nose.
Later Morning:
The Hero managed to get in using a politically correct rainbow bridge. Suspect Darunia was mostly responsible for it. Still have lots of barriers, so I’m quite safe. Off for lunch.
Early afternoon:
Hero close to entering room. Dammit! Better make the most of it. Planning to taunt him with best organ playing and flying around the room. Note to self: Make sure to shut up his ANNOYING FAIRY before the battle.
After the battle:
FUCK. Why didn’t anyone tell me Zelda found the Light arrows? She knew flashing lights is my weakness. Shouldn’t have attended that Hyrule rave party so many years ago, her father told her all about -that- story a million times. YEAH BUT WHO SLEPT WITH YOUR WIFE? That’s right, ME. Oh well, time for plan B, pressing the castle’s self-destruct button!
Year 7, Day 28:
FUCK FUCK FUCK.
So, I was like sure the castle would destroy him but he managed to survive. So then, I went to plan C, which was transform into really cool monster. I even knocked the sword from his grasp! I knew Zelda would not touch it, since she a clean freak. Probably thought it had Hero germs or something (hope Hero slobbered all over the Ocarina). Also probably thinks HE managed by hold me off by smashing my tail, but I was really distracted by Zelda when she raised her dress. Let me tell you, NO PANTIES WHATSOEVER. Hero managed to get the sword back before I came to my sense. Next thing I knew the sword was in my head and Zelda and those DAMN SAGES trapped me here.
I didn’t write for a while because I was away brooding. This magical sealing dimension is so lame. And worse of all, there’s NO HAREM.
Expect to get out in a couple of a thousand years, then will wreck havoc and bloody revenge in the next sequel.